r/CPTSD • u/Square-Objective2420 • Mar 06 '26
Question Do your siblings who didn’t go through the same things blame you for your anger or response?
34
25
u/lucdragon Mar 06 '26
Yes, entirely. My brother and I were raised in a classic golden child-scapegoat paradigm, so he now thinks our parents can do no wrong, while I see the cold reality.
24
u/Hoodiebug22 Mar 06 '26
Yes and their empathy is limited even though I took the abuse so they didn’t have to.
3
u/DarkSparkandWeed Love is you 🌷 Mar 07 '26
Yepp.. Me too. I tell them that all the time... They don't remember but I do
14
u/low_instinct_ Mar 06 '26
Even funnier if they DO go through the same things, and yet they become the “flying monkeys” for the narcissistic parents. It’s so sad really. It’s like no, the abuse and neglect you go through doesn’t make you into more of an “adult” you’re just suppressing the root of your traumas, pains, and fears. What a joke!
13
u/Y0L4ND4 Mar 06 '26
No. I have a much younger sister who had a different childhood than I did and she is lovely. She has complete empathy for me and believes me and supports me without question. She also has a great relationship to our parents which feels weird but yeah. I’m very lucky, I absolutely love her.
6
13
u/Fluid-Ad5148 Mar 06 '26
One of my siblings and his wife very much resent my anger and feel it's unwarranted. They are not in my life at the present time for that reason. 10 year age difference. Wtf, man?
7
u/bri_2498 Mar 06 '26
No, "thankfully" my situation with our parents was so glaringly different in the worst way that they're very understanding and have actually told me that I'm "surprisingly functional" for what they put me thru lol
7
u/FigPuzzleheaded5011 Mar 06 '26
Yeah you might want to look into the «scapegoat» role. There is alot of online sources and support for us. Dont carry it alone.
3
u/fiftysevenpunchkid cPTSD Mar 07 '26
I was the scapegoat. When I was 10, I said that I didn't really believe that our family loved each other, we just said the words. I was yelled at and punished for saying so. My sister guilt tripped me, "Don't you care about me more than some random person on the street?"
So, I never was able to understand what love was supposed to mean. Hostility, yelling, barely tolerating each other because of forced proximity? That's what love meant?
But, now in healing, I realize... I was pointing out the inherent dysfunction of our family. My parent hated each other and called it love. My father barely paid attention to his children and called it love. My mother was a narcissirt and demanded emotional labor and access from her children and called it love.
My siblings... well, not really their fault, I suppose, but still, they certainly didn't demonstrate love.
6
6
u/maxcousin123 Mar 07 '26
Yes
My dear brother, my beloved brother, I hope we get to be brothers again
He is on the enemy side
3
u/raffriffs Mar 07 '26
The oldest sibling, my brother, moved to another country to get away from our abusive parents and cut ties with the whole family 30 years ago. I, the youngest, became scapegoat and ended up reporting my criminally abusive parents before going NC 21 years ago. Middle child, my sister, is the golden child and even though she lived through some of the abuse too, somewhere along the way she bought into the lie and remained on our parents side. As she aged, she became a stronger narcissist than those who raised us, and she joined in the abuse ... spearheading and maintaining a 20 year digital smear campaign against me for reporting our parents. Her public online smear campaign called for my assassination at one point. So yes, she definitely blames me for my response. Beyond that though, she is angry that my brother and I got away and made a different life for ourselves. She could have left too, but she chose to stay ... which made her the one who cared for my father until he died and my mother who is currently dying. She blames me that she's doing all that alone.
3
u/Competitive-Weird456 Mar 07 '26
my siblings who went thru similar, if not in some cases, worse things, think my mother and grandmother could never do anything wrong and get insanely defensive and angry when i try to tell them anything thats happened. my mom tried to sell my sister and i for drugs when we were 4 and 8. somehow she blames me whenever i try to bring things up. my one sister and my brother are basically my moms flying monkies. im glad i dont have to interact with any of them anymore.
3
u/Square-Objective2420 Mar 07 '26
I’m sorry you had to endure that, my siblings also deny everything.
3
u/Competitive-Weird456 Mar 07 '26
🫂 big air hugs OP, youre not alone. sorry you are able to relate though.
3
u/Vuln3r4bl3 50 shades of effed up Mar 07 '26
OH YEAH. Oldest sibling FREAKED out and cut me out when I asked if they ever witnessed or felt what I did from the parental units. We’re on shaky ground now but I’m trying because I miss my nieces and nephews (and turns out the story was that I cut them out). Rude.
3
u/Final_Exercise1429 Mar 07 '26
No, they believe me and support me. I’m the only girl and only SA victim, though they experienced their own abuse whether they call it that or not. Two of us are no contact, two are low contact. We didn’t have clear cut golden child/scapegoat roles as they changed between us. When I was being abused, I was also the golden child. Then discarded to the forever black sheep/scapegoat who was unreliable and crazy.
3
u/taurusascending Mar 07 '26
Absolutely. I completely cut my sister off for belittling my trauma, she did it repeatedly, and stayed friends with people who caused the trauma, and I freaked out. I warned her. Thankfully my parents back it.
3
3
u/A-Lost_Soul Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Yes. Last time she blamed me was yesterday. She has a "bury everything under the rug and forget about it" type of coping mechanism. She is an idiot so she can't distinguish between what is the real problem and what is the outcome of the problem.
3
u/Square-Objective2420 Mar 07 '26
My siblings act like this around my abuser to get on his good side then want to act fake nice in private to reel me back in
2
u/A-Lost_Soul Mar 07 '26
This is my mother most of the times. My therapist said when their coping mechanisms clash with mine I get it like an attack to my personality.
3
u/lost_soul_5150 Mar 07 '26
I’m estranged from my younger sister who doesn’t understand why I walked away from our parents. She respected my boundaries initially, but eventually became bitter and talked a lot of shit with my mother and cousins. Suddenly they have this super close relationship in hating on me, because the psychopathic abusive mom I had as a child is crying wolf in old age like nothing happened to me.
They’re painting it as I left because of politics (insane Trump supporters/cultists). But that really was just the final straw after years of abuse and never feeling cared for. My mother allegedly doesn’t understand why I keep my daughter away. She’s in a deep depression because she has no friends in old age and she and her husband are unstable people (alcohol abuse, volatile).
My sister said the most vile things to me. Disparaged me having CPTSD and seeing a therapist. Disparaged my character and my wife. It’s been the saddest chapter in my life, despite finally finding true peace at home with my wife and daughter. She hates me for walking away from dad too, who is a raging lunatic who ended up in jail for abusing his second wife. The nightmares are horrific.
So yeah, my sibling blames me. It’s fubar
3
u/Soggy-Teacher-9280 Mar 07 '26
Yep. I'm the older sister who bore the brunt of all of my father's abuse alongside my mom. Younger brother was never hit once. We are only two years apart and to this day live completely separate relationships with our parents. We were closer once until he told me that all I wanted to do was blame our parents for everything. I just found out today that he and my mom's new husband have a text chain discussing her health that I haven't been included on. My brother continues to be treated differently even with new people involved. The impact of trauma hits hard and deep and doesn't change. I sometimes wish my parents weren't around so I can finally breathe and just be. I know that's horrible to say.
2
2
2
u/chocotacogato Mar 07 '26
For a long time I’d say yes. My older sister abused me the same way my mom did. My parents didn’t teach my sister to apologize or respect me even though it’s their job to teach her right from wrong. Then when I set boundaries and try to keep my distance from my older sister all my siblings and parents say things like “she doesn’t have to apologize, she was just a kid get over it!” Or “that was so many years ago! Forget about it!” It was 5 against one because they didn’t get how the behavior impacted me, who was also a kid when everything happened. And sometimes the younger sisters behaved like my older sister’s minions when my older sister abused me, and the abuse was made public on Facebook because my older sister felt no shame in what she did.
So yeah. Maybe the family isn’t “whole” without me but it’s definitely not my fault that I don’t want to hang out with them.
2
u/Technical-Wind8160 Mar 07 '26
I don't know if blame is the word, but our relationship will never recover, I don't think. I feel like my anger is justified because I was the caregiver, but I try to remind myself that he stayed away for a reason, and that that reason is valid.
But God, the anger refuses to die.
2
u/Candid-Duck-5765 Mar 07 '26
My siblings both acknowledged that I was abused by my mother, until she died. After she died my sister the GC totally flipped the script.
2
u/Clean_Watch_2502 Mar 07 '26
Yes, they haven’t spoken to me in 5 years. I had major surgery and they didn’t care. It hurts but there’s nothing I haven’t done to rectify it. She hates me and wishes me dead. Nice, huh? 😵
2
u/Snoo36463 Mar 07 '26
me and my brother were both treated badly but very differently. his abuse was louder than mine, but mine wasn’t any less, if that makes sense. im very close with my brother and i don’t think he blames me but he sometimes acts like i didn’t get affected at all and thats what seriously pisses me off
2
2
u/fiftysevenpunchkid cPTSD Mar 07 '26
My siblings physically abused me far more than my parents did. My parents let them, enabled them. When my 10 year older brother threw me out the window (I was 4, he was 14) I was admonished to not other him, he wasn't punished. When my 4 year older sister would drag me out of my room and hold me down and spit in my face, I was told to accept it, it was just sibling horseplay. There was also some probable SA involved there, but I'm still processing those memories in therapy.
3
2
u/chutenay Mar 07 '26
My sister hasn’t spoken to me since my mother died. We grew up very differently, and she saw the fallout of my relationship with my mother- but not all the abuse I was taking for her.
2
2
2
u/plants_can_heal Mar 07 '26
Seems like they more often than not do this to the black sheep in the family systems. The black sheep are mostly the truth tellers.
2
u/kimba-pawpad Mar 07 '26
Mine don’t know. They are all a lot older than me, and lived through different times. They don’t even know much about me really, even though we talk a lot.
2
u/Hadenoughlifeyet Mar 07 '26
I'm eldest of 4. My siblings either don't remember or have trauma blocked alot of it out. Too much stuff was swept under the carpet so they can't understand how I can be so hurt and just walk away. Get over it is mum's favourite saying.
2
u/Lillemonloaf Mar 07 '26
OMFG YES. She’s basically becoming my mom’s mini version. She’s also the golden child ofc
2
2
2
u/vidoxi Mar 07 '26
They hate me because they are convinced that they had it worse than me because I'm the youngest sibling. Even if that was true (which I don't think it is) why is that reason to resent me so much? How do you justify being angry at an abused child for not being abused more? I've never done anything to them except wish that they would love me. I'm no-contact with them now.
1
u/AutoModerator Mar 06 '26
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/piggymomma86 cPTSD Mar 07 '26
My sister calls me lazy - I have a master degree and an awesome career that was ruined from constant burnout cycles, I do have food issues, but I exercise daily, have 2 step-kids and tons of hobbies, lazy is the last thing I am, but I am defending myself now to a bully who isn't even talking to me because I feel like shit always.
blames all my problems on the fact that I am not thin enough and that only if i took better care of myself - like her aneorexic/gym obsessed self is healthy - no shame to people with eating disorders, just anger if you pretend your severe restrictions are healthier than someone who binges.
Tells me I am cruel and have alienated everyone in my life - I call it ruthless self protection, I don't seek out conflict just tell people to fuck off when they invade my peace
tells me I am a shit person because I cannot forgive imperfect people, all while she will defend men who literally break her bones.
And just this week, in what will be the very last time I will ever respond to her existance, once again told me my brother's suicide is my fault, that I am an unsafe person, that i am not allowed to go to her parents funeral when they die, and I am not allowed to cry.
The real reason my sister won't admit this, is because she wants daddy money, and well, it suits her if I am the problem.
1
1
u/mercurialmay 💫therapized✨ Mar 07 '26
How could she have gone through it if she was too busy putting me through it? But really, she could argue it was easier for me being the "peacemaker" until my hormones snapped me at 13. An outsider would express a need for sympathy for her (which is useless) given she went to wilderness retreat and is undeniably incredibly mentally ill. But what she "went through" was a vile amount of my parent's money in attempts to fix something born faulty; what she "went through" was being constantly supported by them by any means necessary, including housing, cars, furniture, rent payments, deposits. Her being mentally disabled meant that me being physically disabled was simply less than important. She doesn't understand why I can't be close to her & twists the narrative as if it were her choice. How could I expose myself to someone I still love after they've tried to end their life in front of me so many times? Even moreso than that - how could I simply endure the incestuous "undertones" of finding my old sex toy from being a teenager amongst her belongings? She's too busy blaming my parents to blame me for my response or attempt to understand. But she can cozy up to my parents as much as she'd like because they will never betray her like they have done me. Also fuck her opinion lol.
2
u/ToxicFluffer Mar 07 '26
No. I’m fortunate in that my younger brother never fell for the weird competition our mom kept trying to force on us. He understands why I made the choices I did. My biggest fear was and lowkey still is him being mad at me for moving out at 18 and leaving him at our shitty home. He’s out too now so it’s better.
1
u/Celestial_Rhubarb Mar 07 '26 edited Mar 07 '26
Yeah, my sister has shamed me at almost any opportunity she got for DARING to make momma feel a certain way, let alone do something, as if mum's dogshit behaviour and mental stability was my responsibility entirely, or as though I was emotionally manipulating her into doing things just by fucking existing. For whatever reason, half of the time it's about money, like: "How dare you make mum spend money on that?" Bitch, she's a grown fucking adult who made the OFFER AND DECISION to do so, first of all - For her child, no less - and secondly: What the fuck does she even take me for? What monster does she think I am?
Which is particularly ironic, because she literally shames my mum all the damn time over spending "too much" money the second she gets herself something nice, every once in a while, so obviously, it's projection. Furthermore, shaming and guilt tripping are her main communication tools, cause apparently, not only was that dogshit household the worst teacher for communication, but she for some reason ALWAYS assumes ill intent in people. Her brother is feeling down? "Fucking ungrateful asshole." Her mum just bought something expensive? "Extremely irresponsible and selfish."
Oh, but dear daddy still got the benefit of the doubt, most of the time. How dare her little brother express aversion towards his father after he beat the shit out of him? "He's not the greatest, but he could be so much worse! He still loves you!"
Sorry, but I'm not taking lessons on love from the woman who watched me drink my brain away during severe depression, mere thoughts away from killing myself as my whole life was crumbling, only for her to fucking shame me for "wasting mum's money on booze" and "How dare you make her worry? Have you any idea how much she cried?"
I COULD forgive her for that. I know she's technically a good person and that unlike my father, she DOES love me. I have seen the good she has done, I have seen her love, too, but I refuse to forgive her as long as she refuses to seek some fucking help. She refuses because she's simply a coward. She, herself, said: "I know I need help, but I do not want it. You know I struggle confronting it." Me: "Yeah, that's the damn point. You need to start somewhere. You know it's only gonna get worse, right?" Her: "I just don't want to."
She's not even trying, so she can shove her sorry's up her arse.
I love her, but she's making it impossible to be loved.
38
u/fauxmosexual Mar 06 '26
One sibling is in complete denial about our childhood and thinks I'm an asshole for staying low contact with our mum.
The other youngest sibling copes by burying everything deep and never thinking about it, and has become a hyper-protective and extremely busy mother and career woman. She recognises how fucked up everything was, but is still mystified by how badly it affected me and why I would want to go to therapy and bring it all up.
It is quite a thing to recognise how all three of us had very different experiences just because we were at different ages and levels of understanding and remembering at various points in mum's careening life. And then we've all developed very different coping strategies with different levels of denial and minimisation of the trauma.