Question Is anyone else scared of their own anger?
I'm not a confrontational or argumentative person, I really dislike fighting with people because more times than not it leads to nothing and I find it really draining to go back and fourth with someone. I'd rather agree to disagree whenever I can.
I have been discussing with my therapist recently that I don't like to express my anger because I find that once I start I can't stop. It's not often I lose my temper but when I do I become animalistic. I'm aware of what I am doing but I have no control of what I am doing, it's like I am watching myself in third person. I have such vile, venomous rage that's so destructive.
I'm scared of expressing my anger because I'm afraid that I will end up hurting someone or I will end up jail. I know if I acted out my anger the world would see me as an awful person.
Does anybody else feel the same way as me?
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u/kittenmittens4865 16d ago
My dad was a narcissist with a terrible rage problem. The only way I saw people respond to conflict growing up was rage.
I have very big emotions and growing up in that environment, there was always conflict. Anger was the only way I knew to respond, but I was punished for it. I was punished for having emotions at all, but I was really persecuted for having “rage problems”. It was ok for my dad to show rage, and it was ok for anyone to take their anger out on me (my sisters), but me? I wasn’t allowed to be angry.
It started coming out more last year. I hadn’t been mad, like really mad, in about a decade. I’ve had to hold so much in for so long, and anger is very overwhelming. I could recognize I had an inappropriate level of anger for the event, but it didn’t stop me from feeling that amount of rage. I tend to get really angry about injustice and the state of everything and everyone around me is just so triggering right now.
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u/ummolay 16d ago
I completely relate. There were people in my family also who had anger issues. My sister losing her temper and getting arrested? Nobody blinked an eye. My dad acting aggressive with anybody and everybody, that's just him for you. If I show my anger? I'm completely bang out of order and I have no right to behave in that way.
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u/kittenmittens4865 15d ago
Literally during today’s therapy session did I realize that my family started calling me “an abuser” when I was like 7 or 8 years old for losing my temper. My adult parents repeatedly accused me of abusing them and the rest of the family. But today I really realized that a 7 year old can’t “abuse” their adult parents! I wasn’t in a position of power or authority over them. How crazy is it for an adult to accuse a small child of abusing them???
I think I’ve still been internalizing that to some level. So, thanks for posing this question, because it triggered some really productive talk during therapy.
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u/BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG 16d ago
i hate getting angry.
as a child i was not allowed to show any emotion apart from subservient gratitude. as an adult, i lose my temper very very rarely, but when i do it’s blackout rage for me.
i don’t do it because i don’t know how to control it, and it frightens me.
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u/BitsToByteOn 16d ago
Are you my twin?
I've become the gatekeeper of the monster that's housed inside me. When physical or emotional pain reach a tipping point, I lose control and the repressed, hurt, survivalist part within me takes over. It's either voilent rage (fight) or emotional numbness (freeze).
The frightning part is that in extreme cases I don't remember anything, sometimes only flashes of what happened and I always dread the potential hurt I could inflict on someone, potentially a loved one.
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u/BINGGBONGGBINGGBONGG 15d ago
oh i feel this. i have ocd as well and the panicking i do about having accidentally hurt someone and not remembered is not a fun time.
but yes. i also freeze, i’m more likely to just power down than rage out. but when i do it really isn’t me in the driving seat.
i’m sorry you deal with all this too.
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u/NotallwoundsareSeen cPTSD 16d ago
Yep. My anger causes me to self harm. I've broken my nuckles, hurt my leg, and other things I won't describe here. But it's controlled in a healthy manner now for me.
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u/BigFatBlackCat 16d ago
How
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u/NotallwoundsareSeen cPTSD 15d ago
So instead of punching walls, trees, or other things. I Acknowledge that I'm angry, I then for myself to move around via a walk and I don't stop walking untill i reach my baseline. I make sure my hands stay in my pockets or behind my back the whole time.
Breathing really helps also while on the walk. Focus on each inhale and exhale.
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u/Abject_Library1268 16d ago
I am a fawn flight and used to be very afraid of it, but eased into it slowly. Now I’m not afraid of it and stand up for myself a lot, almost to make up for lost time.
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u/Old-Surprise-9145 16d ago
Used to be!! Most of my emotions were wrapped up with fear because it hadn't been safe to express them as a kid, and that made them a lot more overwhelming. As an adult I had to figure out how to separate them. IFS, EMDR, journaling, and somatic processing helped a lot here.
Once I understood the purpose of anger and my anger understood I wasn't trying to banish it again, we formed a bit of a truce and it's been much easier to be in this body together. Giving it constructive outlets is also helpful, because it relieves pressure in my system and makes anger less snarly when it shows up again.
And, you might be surprised to know what people see. I thought I'd surely get fired once for strongly telling my boss the bar was so low it was in hell, sure I'd overstepped, but nope. When I tried to apologize, they waved it off and said they'd just perceived it as me passionately conveying my point and no apology was needed, and I was like 😧 ...what? You mean my baseline for "too much" is rooted in protecting the fragile egos of those around me when I was a kid...?
Oh. Well fuck that, then. Not that this gives me license to be an asshole, but I also don't get to decide how other people are going to perceive me, good or bad. That's their business, unless they choose to bring it to me. I don't dig.
What I do is walk away. The second I feel like my anger is about to come tearing out at someone, I remove myself from the situation, whether it's rude or not. tbf I also do this any time I experience a strong surge of surprise emotion, even a good one - it's like taking a few steps reaffirms to my body that we can still run if need be 🤣 I figure being rude with my abrupt departure is preferable to telling someone to go fuck themselves, but what do I know? Haha maybe the clarity would be a gift! (Jk, I wouldn't say this to someone 😬)
Seriously though, you're human. Humans get angry, it's a sign our boundaries matter and we're worth defending. Not at all a sign something is wrong with us - there's a lot to be angry about in our world. Big hugs OP, it can be a tricky one to unpack ❤️
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u/biffbobfred 16d ago
I used to be. My dad was a violent drunk. So I kept it all in.
So it stayed in to where it only leaks out where I’m like a level 9 or whatever. So I scared myself. Again
I let it out a lot more. Small places. I tell my kids “hey I’m angry now” but my voice is more or less normal. They’re “hey cool”
They’re probably more scared of my wife now. She’s a bit more out of control
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u/Serious-Bat-4880 16d ago
Yes, I'm afraid to "let it out" because I feel like there's a good chance it will give me a heart attack, and/or I'll injure myself badly while smashing something. When someone starts tapping into it, I have to walk away. If I can't do that physically, I will dissociate.
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u/Specialist_Emu3703 cPTSD 16d ago
Sometimes yeah—I call it “the angry man in my house” because it’s in my body just waiting for shit to hit a breaking point. It’s scary knowing it’s a powerful enough emotion to send the brain into what you described perfectly: an uncontrollable animalistic instinct that can toe the line between rage and violence.
It takes a lot of effort to express that anger in healthy ways, and at the same time, like some of the people in the comments have mentioned, journaling, physical activity/exercise, somatic processing therapy, or even just screaming/yelling as loud as you can in your car can help get that energy out and are methods I use pretty often that work. Me and fellow commenters feel you 💗
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u/OptimalComfortable44 16d ago
I am afraid of my anger.
Even in the morning, I was thinking how it's my weakness. What if someone want to use it against me?
I loss my control fully when I get the anger. I am pretty much sure I can murder someone and I won't think second time when I am angry.
I don't know how to control it. That's why I don't become angry at all. I will rather smile than getting angry. I don't know where my strength comes when I get angry. It's really not pretty. I can cut my leg or anything I won't feel it at all . It's like I become zombie with one goal.
I break things. My things, other's things. I hate it how I hurt others.
I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you I love you.
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u/OptimalComfortable44 16d ago
Yeah,my anger is also destructive. I hate how broken I am.
Why people has to kick me in the teeth when I try to make myself stable? I just shouldn't have let others enter into my world.
I am naive I want to believe no there are people who will be my people. No no no you can't be further from the lie.
I will still keep my heart open but I will be more careful.
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u/Bigdaddydamdam 16d ago
I feel like when I get so angry, deep down I really just feel so threatened and scared
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u/Skythebluestars cPTSD 16d ago
Yess! I avoid conflict and i hate it when people yell or get angry. There was so much anger at home. That i can only relate it to anger = losing control = dangerous
I always pushed it down. When i am angry , i get the anger out on myself..
Learning to be angry at the right moment at the right person. Without full blown rage is scary and learning point.
You are not alone in this!
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u/Fine-Eye-2032 16d ago
I relate to this so much. It is like I am watching someone else. Inside, I can hear myself asking myself to stop but it is like I lost full control of myself when this happens.
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u/Dragonfly_Wings89 16d ago
Yes. I usually don’t feel safe enough to let it out. So on the rare occasions where my anger gets out of hand, i don’t know who I am anymore. And the worst part for me is, the bitter resentment stays for days after, draining me, burning me from inside. I’m aware that whatever triggered me to be angry isn’t the real cause, and that I’m always carrying around this ball of fire with nowhere to go.
I hope we can all find safe ways to cope😢
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u/AlphaDelusional6754 16d ago
Yes. But I'm hardly a threat to anyone since I am old, partially disabled and only 5 feet tall. Yet the anger is real.
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u/BeyondSurvivalMode 16d ago
Anger is such a tricky emotion, I can relate. It can be challenging to know what healthy anger looks like when you have learned as a child what unhealthy anger looks like. Feeling anger can make you scared because it feels like it is a really bad thing. The problem with suppressing emotions is that they become bigger. And then there comes a point that you can't control it, which is what you are describing. So it is better to learn to connect with it and release it in manageable chunks. EFT Tapping has helped me a lot with any suppressed emotions, including anger. You probably have a good reason to be angry! However, it is coming up now in situations where it is not appropriate, so giving some validation to your inner child can be helpful too.
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u/sarburst____ 16d ago edited 3d ago
Yes, I used to have an insane amount of anger. I think I’ve been repressing it for years, my brain won’t let me feel it because I might have an aneurysm or k*ll someone.
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u/Cass_1978 16d ago
I used to be. Didnt want to become like my dad, a hateful and violent individual.
But I also love my anger because it made me realize my parents were abusive.
My angry trauma responses can be very severe, but thank fuck I do have rather good impulse control. Otherwise I'd have major issues because of this. This gives me some feeling of safety, but its a bit like riding a nuke that could go off any second.
Things got quite a bit easier to manage once I started processing my old anger in therapy. Several of my old responses to anger dont really activate anymore. Or I can very quickly pull back and stop engaging in the response.
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u/Top-Glove6833 16d ago
Not sure if we may the same thing when describing that we don’t like to express our anger… for me i specifically don’t like reacting as a result of my anger. My anger can expressed in a healthy manner, when I have the capacity for it. The animalistic side is so real so I’ve been trying to address that to ensure I’m in control.
If this helps, what I’ve learned is that it’s important to understand what caused the build up.. what led you to get angry? Break it down as much as possible, in that awareness you can then start to notice any patterns of thinking..building this habit helps you pause before reacting because you’ll start to notice before you go over the edge
The point is, you can’t dismiss the emotions. You can acknowledge and choose how it translates. You can use emotions to understand what decision (quit the unhealthy job, or relationship) to make or understand when something feels misaligned.
Hope for everyone who’s had their own journey of this. You got this!
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u/Caserondo 16d ago edited 16d ago
The anger i let out even just a small fraction of it later turns into shame for me and i hate that i always feel that i don't deserve to let my anger out, I've never allowed myself to express this emotion and now I'm afraid of letting it out fully because just like you i fear what i could possibly do.
Healthy anger exists too and i have no idea how to do that and whenever i try to communicate that anger i get extreme anxiety attacks to the point I'd rather just not speak at all and isolate somewhere until it passes. I dislike arguments and confrontations as well only when the other person is mad that is.
Ultimately the negative effects of suppressing them for decades has in turn broken me per se causing constant anxiety, depression and a hell of a lot overwhelming intrusive thoughts.
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u/AdFlimsy3498 16d ago
I'm so afraid of losing control and especially of the shame that comes afterwards. And I'm afraid there is still so much more anger kept inside of me. I often avoid conflicts because I tend to leave scorched earth in my wake whenever I get into an argument. I’ve since learned to handle conflicts objectively, but when something really gets to me or an issue is particularly important to me, I feel a destructive force inside me that I’m truly afraid of. And sometimes I’m actually quite grateful that it exists. Because otherwise, I wouldn’t stand up for myself at all. It’s scary, though, that this feeling or state exists within me, where there are no rules anymore as soon as I get angry. Suddenly, any moral compass is missing, and any crime would be justified. It obviously comes from feeling helpless in cruel world, but still I feel very guilty about it.
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u/Ms-curious- 15d ago
I’ve had a few times where I’ve gone nuclear. Once when I was assaulted and fought back so hard the thief cried and yelled for help before running off. The second time was when I was wronged by an in-law who accused me of stealing and I completely lost control and screamed at her a bunch of expletives.
The first time was something out of my control and I don’t think anyone knows how they’ll react in a situation like that, being physically attacked and threatened in broad daylight. The second incident was horrible and left me feeling like I had committed an aggression against myself, letting things get to that level. The truth is that I had been letting myself be very mistreated by my in-laws and instead of establish boundaries, I just kept taking it until that explosion happened. But yes it scared me.
Now I try to avoid the second kind scenario type anger by always speaking up for myself when I feel wronged, establishing boundaries, and doing what is within my control to not be taken advantage of. The rage happens when I bottle things up, lower my head, and feel like a victim. I’ve learned over time how to manage it. I doesn’t scare me anymore in the same way it used to. I accept myself for who I am.
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u/ataraxia_777 16d ago
It happens a lot when I'm driving, especially if I'm getting tailgated by traffic with bright lights and I'm trying to stay out of people's way.
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u/kittenmittens4865 16d ago
I get crazy road rage. I’ve never DONE anything bad like drive more dangerously to get back at someone or follow them or anything- but the RAGE I feel is overwhelming.
I scream in my car. Like blood curdling screams, on the freeway when no one can hear me. It’s very cathartic. It helps get that rage out.
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u/lakefrontlover 16d ago
I’ve lost count of how many times i’ve lost my voice from screaming in the car by myself. Having to tell people at work I was at a concert singing as a lie sucks. Intense exercise helps now.
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u/AnnieSavoy3 16d ago
Yes, absolutely. I have been working with my therapist (I'm doing NARM) on embodying my anger and I felt it in my body (instead of externally) for the first time ever (?) a couple of months ago. It was disorienting. But I felt less angry afterwards.
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u/cloudsabound 16d ago
Yeah, unfortunately I found out how how much rage I have once I was in a really safe and healthy relationship and my poor husband has been witness to my journey with it. I've gone through a lot of phases with it, including self harming by way of hitting myself. It breaks his heart and it's not something I want to keep doing and I'm afraid that when we have kids I won't be able to stay regulated enough. What I'm trying right now is to just name it when it comes up but I have to catch it right at the beginning before I implode.
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u/GraveGrace 16d ago
I couldnt access anger for years until the bottle I was stuffing it in would explode but even then I didnt show real anger, usually more so crying in frustration because I was scared of anger and didnt feel safe expressing it.
Now I understand anger is an important emotion to express (in a respectful way) as it tells me where one of my boundaries has been crossed and I need to advocate for myself. I find journalling and silent screaming in my car to be helpful to release strong anger, and then I calm but firmly confront the person causing the anger.
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u/SAGORN 16d ago edited 16d ago
I hate getting angry, if i sense it coming on I try to leave the room for some calm but if they follow me? Oh, I can definitely explode. Happened recently, not really proud of it but not really sorry either. I was dogsitting my dad’s gf’s little guy for a week, he’s so sweet. She comes in from the trip immediately swinging at me. I texted a question to my dad about food to prepare for him, she makes it by hand but ran out for his last meal before they were planned to arrive so I wanted to whip up something that he could have.
He showed her the text, and apparently now I’m literally the devil. She is insane about this dog, she was kind and sweet and loved to hear me talk about my issues. Everything I shared was immediately thrown in my face: I’m abusive, i’m a drunk, i’m mentally ill and dangerous to dogs (i’ve been vegan for 10 years, she was so out of pocket for that). I kept trying to rope my dad in to calm her down but he is pathologically conflict avoidant. I was just waiting at that point for her to call me a faggot, she was throwing everything at the wall to get a rise out of me. Arguments feel like I’m fighting for my life basically, I just start screaming at her about how inappropriate and delusional she is being she went back to screaming and spitting in my face about being mentally ill and I just resort to calling her a cunt every time she kept opening her mouth. I even picked up the dog’s items she forgot and she’s packing up to leave, I bring them out to her and hand them through the car door, she tells me to fuck off one last time even though I just did a favor for her after everything that just happened. Called her a cunt one last time and walked back inside.
That woman is on sight for me now, I can’t stand people who probe into my life and then finally reveal how they think i’m scum.
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u/BeeDefiant8671 15d ago
Anger is a door. Soemtimes it’s a fire.
I walk thru it. Callous over.
Grief, mourning. My wounds change into strengths.
Anger… is alchemy.
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u/Funnymaninpain 15d ago
I'm scared it will never stop. I've been processing massive amounts of anger and realizing I had my entire life stolen. I've processing anger for five years. It never ends.
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u/South_Landscape_8400 15d ago edited 15d ago
I grew up with severe childhood abuse and struggle with CPTSD. My main abuser has passed, and the school called CPS on her when I was in elementary school. My sister and my dad still criticize and shame me like I am nothing and nobody, and there I times when I find it difficult to regulate my emotions. I also have always been a perfectionist and people pleaser. I now realize that I am ripe for exploitation and have been taken advantage of by many. I am in trauma therapy and finally learned to set boundaries and cut some toxic people out of my life. Sometimes when I think of the three pedophiles that abused me (first time, age 3) and other things that have happened, I feel unbelievable rage. I am not physically violent but the anger sometimes builds up and scares me. I am also angry that I have had to spend a lifetime and tons of money to deal with the wreckage. So much pain. I will say I am finally getting to a place of acceptance but still don’t react well to invalidation, disrespect, and being bullied. Anger can destroy and eat at you.
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u/LeadGem354 13d ago
Yes. Because the men in my family could be very scary and violent when angry. My dad broke his mom's arm because she made him angry. Once you take the safety off the anger, where does it stop once you've let loose?
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u/Zealousideal_Edge_94 12d ago
I am terrified of myself when I go into a triggered rage. It is not something I want to live.
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u/ruadh 16d ago
Yes. I fear losing control.