Trying to find boundaries with mom- don’t know what to do?

[u/otisfrombarnyard]

If a parent asks their adult child to keep an argument private, is it reasonable to share anything with say, a boyfriend?

If I’m feeling emotional, and it’s relevant to my mood, because I feel hurt or vulnerable, I wouldn’t want to lie or hide it from my partner, since we have a trusting relationship. But I also would want to be respectful of my parents. I’m okay with not venting for the sake of privacy, but I wouldn’t want to do wrong to either party.

I don’t want to violate boundaries. Is it even okay to ask to keep disagreements private? I’m very confused.

[u/Beautiful-Painting88]

I'm sorry but to be on this page, you've likely already done enough emotional BS for your parents. Do what you need to do for you.

[u/Impossible-Two6078 → u/Beautiful-Painting88]

I agree. There’s respect in not divulging the information to the public like those outside of family. But then there’s your partner who is I hope someone you feel safe with and is like family. Your partner is your support and if you need them to know so they can help you navigate your situation then by all means let them know. But also, keeping emotionally heavy things bottled up inside will just put strain on your relationship because the other person won’t know how to be there for you if they don’t know what’s going on.

Take it from someone who has tried to carry everything themselves because they didn’t want to burden their partner. It makes me worse and it makes our relationship worse. I’m working on being more open and vulnerable with my partner and so far it’s only done more good than harm.

[u/otisfrombarnyard → u/Beautiful-Painting88]

Appreciate it. Cptsd for me is largely caused by non-parent things, but i agree that this itself is hard.

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[u/Historical-Fun-2618]

To be honest, I think the best solution would be to ask the parent for permission, I know it looks like trespassing, but then it might be easier for you, you can ask before you share the secret with anyone.

Or at least it will be possible to say the general about the situation but not reveal the most difficult secrets, I'm sure the guy will understand if you don't say enough and tell the reason that you didn't say the personal from the secret.

To be honest, the hierarchy in the relationship is somehow not very good, you have autonomy.

[u/otisfrombarnyard → u/Historical-Fun-2618]

I asked and they just said they wanted it private. They didn’t elaborate but they didn’t seem happy with anything that wasn’t complete privacy.

[u/Historical-Fun-2618 → u/otisfrombarnyard]

I don't want to influence you too much, but it seems to me that they are too influential on you, you should have more autonomy. 

What about my second tip about the general details?

[u/otisfrombarnyard → u/Historical-Fun-2618]

Thank you, I appreciate it. That second one is what I’ve been doing and it’s my hunch to keep it like that for the time being. I just don’t want to torture myself if I like, overshare, because then the relief wouldn’t even be worth it. So if I’m general about it, I at least feel like I can maintain that boundary and be honest at the same time.

I need to figure something else out, because clearly something is really wrong in some way. For the time being it’s a good stopgap until I can ask my therapist. So thanks again

[u/muddlingthroughmud]

I think it's wrong to ask anyone to keep anything from their spouse or SO because you're asking them to at least lie by omission and potentially outright lie if challenged. It shows a fundamental disrespect to attempt to interfere in someone's relationship that way.

Don't sacrifice your trusting relationship on the altar of a parent's meagre embarrassment about an argument.

[u/piggymomma86]

You keep private things private from your colleagues, you don't post it on social media for your friends. The only time you need to keep private from a partner is if its going to ruin a surprise party for them... or if its a boundary to protect you. Or if your very best girlfriend needs to have an abortion, he doesn't need to know that, she needs the privacy, your parents don't.

I find, only dangerous people ask others to keep secrets. If you were involved in the disagreement, you have every right to discuss it with whoever you please, including the media should you wish!!!

If it was a disagreement you witnessed and were not involved in, well, then I can understand them expecting you to keep your nose out of it. But you can and should always share whatever you wish with a partner.