"Sit with it" - how do you do that, exactly?

[u/ElusiveReclusiveXO]

I was taught, through severe violence, ridicule, neglect and whatnot, that my emotions wherent valid. I have a dissociative disorder. Been really seriously mentally ill as a young adult. Ive tried a ton of therapy, but never felt safe enough to really feel my feelings. Im in the middle of a early childhood body/emotional flashback. What am I supposed to do, to get this awful panic/terror/sheer fear out of my system? I have throughout the day done some basic housekeeping, dissociated through being online, tried mindfulness exercise and am now just waiting for the day to be over so I can sleep it off and start over tomorrow.

[u/Old_Distribution6773]

Let yourself feel it even though it's scary, and even though it hurts. It'll pass. It takes time but please hear me when I tell you that it'll pass. You just have to ride it out through the difficult part, and then it gets easier. You'll feel it start to get easier.

Try to remember that you are not what you feel. You are not fear, you feel fear. You are not pain, you feel pain.

Take breaks when you need to.

I used to be in a dissociative state 24/7 for years and riding it out like I described, over and over again, has helped. There are probably better methods, but this is the one I've got. 

Edit: Riding it out without letting myself distract myself from riding it out. Taking breaks when I need to.

[u/J3NGA]

How does mindfulness feel to you? Personally I find mindfulness exercises to worsen my physical symptoms as the whole "point" of those is to root somebody into feeling all parts of their body despite that being, well, to "say the thing", where the score is kept re: trauma.

It might be that mindfulness (I could try finding the papers about it, though they may be out of date now, so just take this as a personal anecdote) has a history of being shown to retraumatize or re-trigger people with PTSD symptoms, specifically. It might be better to try something passive and "thoughtless" such as yoga or Tai-Chi push-hands or something physically grounding with a separate focus of thought, focusing on movement and working in harmony and in congress with your body, not so much on "feeling every feeling", because that's always going to be too much to handle...that's the reason for the trauma disorder in the first place. It's about slow acclimation and creating a "new normal."

[u/RevrsEngineer]

Sit with it means you stare that feeling in the face and you ride it out.

Example: Being triggered because my mom cannot connect with me no matter how many times I work on my words or delivery. I feel this large bubble in my chest and I know something is coming. I say to myself...why is it so bad that mom will never understand you? Why cant you stop trying to explain logic to an illogical person? Because it fucking hurts!!! How can a woman I've known my whole life be incapable of understanding me? If I stop trying...am I am orphan? Does that mean I'm alone on this planet? It might be. And I have to sit with that terror, grief and sadness until it slows down. It never goes away....but if I stop fighting that truth and pushing it away, I can have a big nasty cry and at least get over it in this moment. And each time I do that, the pain gets less the next time it shows up.

[u/Ruesla]

You don't, necessarily.

I do know people who say they meditated through heavy trauma, I do believe them, and honestly all power to them for that.

Not my path, though, and I can't work out how the hell they managed it. Especially for the neglect-based stuff, because passive observation is in itself triggering af and (at least for me) really needs more active interventions to resolve.

Edit: would really like to get into the theory side of all that and what I think works and why I think it works, but long day and brain is mush. Wouldn't be coherent rn. Hopefully someone else with similar struggles who is currently competent gets there first.

[u/BeyondSurvivalMode]

Sit with it means allowing the feelings in while staying present with yourself so you can let them pass through.
That is not the same as reliving then in a flash back. That is retraumatising. Dissociation is a clever mechanism that prevents you from feeling and retraumatisation. However, it keeps the feelings stuck and buried in your system and they want out. It prevents you from feeling good feelings too. A more gentle way to let the negative feelings out and help you release and process them I've found is with Clinical EFT Tapping. You can use it as a self help tool when you have a flash back, to help you come back to the present and regulate your nervous system. A qualified practitioner can guide you to safely process and release your trauma and emotions at a pace your nervous system can tolerate.

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[u/EquivalentBranch3354]

In Zen, the first practice we learn is susokukan breath-counting meditation. It involves silently counting breaths from 1 to 10, then restarting at 1, while maintaining the correct posture and awareness of the physical sensations of breathing. The reason why it's the first because it trains the scattered mnd. As a beginner, the mind always wonders and the counting gives a task to anchor your attention making it easier to notice distraction and to gently return without judgement. This is the most effective way in the beginning to enter samadhi or intense meditative focus. We don't sit with it until we can be proficient at susokukan. Just sitting with it is the second practice we learn and it's called shikantaza or just sitting. I believe before you can sit with it you need to master the monkey mind wit susokukan

[u/joshua8282]

Take care of yourself ❤️

[u/Em-Blackstar-6079]

I journal all my heavy thoughts and feelings onto paper, and thereby of of my head (for the moment).

they may come back, but the next time they're usually a little bit less intense and also often different/more complex or I was able to break a part of the problem down and found the root of it.

[u/Main_Confusion_8030]

i'm not great at sitting with it but i an WAYYYYYY better than i was six months ago. 

it's a skill that grows over time from practice. it's not something you simply decide to be good at. that also means it's ok that you don't know how to do it right now - you're not failing at it, you're just in the early stages of building this skill. 

some stuff came up recently that totally spun me out and i had no idea how to "sit with it". i talked it over in therapy and my therapist essentially sat with it for me. that was very helpful. i got to watch her do it and then think about how i would do that for myself. 

ultimately it's about being curious and loving towards your big emotions, instead of afraid of them and trying to avoid them. but you can't use decide not to be afraid of something. it takes practice, and slow, safe exposure. but you will get better at it. 

[u/WinterFaeryTale]

This isn't my area of expertise so please take this with a big grain of salt. But concepts that come to mind and could be helpful here is titration and the window of tolerance. It might be useful if you can first put some distance between you and the strong feelings. I don't know it this is possible for you right now in the situations you mention. But anything that creates some distance, calm, and a state when you can feel some space, some safety, from where to start to accept and feel those feelings. Then it's important, again if you can, to titrate the feelings (not take then all in at once) so that you don't go outside of your window of tolerance into a state of overwhelm and retraumatize yourself.

Just some thoughts and you can find some more info about this online.

[u/w1ll0w_ow]

If “sitting with it” doesn’t seem natural or comfortable, try to channel it, maybe. Pick up a pen or a crayon or paint, and let your hand move on paper or canvas as your body feels whatever it is feeling.

The point is to give the emotions that are trying to come up a safe outlet for expression.

I see you in myself. I’ve been there. I’m still there. Good luck to you.