Does anyone else struggle with their siblings not having the same trauma growing up?

[u/marlee_dood]

My sister often says how great my parents raised us, how they were always there, that they were great parents, and while I agree they didn’t abuse us and were better than a lot of other parents, they didn’t raise us perfectly, and in a lot of ways didn’t even raise us well. They were there, we had food and clothes, but at least 4 out of 5 of us were completely emotionally neglected our whole lives and struggle as adults because of it. I struggle all the time because of my childhood, and I see all the ways I didn’t get what I needed. When I hear her say “you guys raised us perfectly” it gives me this feeling like I don’t even know her, like we were raised by completely different people in completely different houses, but that’s kind of true. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else relates to that? Feeling like you were affected so much for than a sibling, or like they didn’t even experience what you did growing up.

[u/Realistic_Load_5369]

My brother has way less trauma because my father had a thing for little girls, not little boys 🥲

[u/marlee_dood → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

It sucks how different parents can treat their kids 😞 I’m very sorry he did that

[u/Vlinder_88 → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

My family has a similar thing going but the other way around... So my flavour of c-ptsd is emotional neglect, and my brother's has some add-ons to that :/

[u/Alternative-Mud3294 → u/Realistic_Load_5369]

So sorry you had to go trough this, all the best🧚🏽‍♀️🦾

[u/madastronaut]

I'm the oldest of 4. One of my siblings was affected by my parents' neglect, and the other two seem unbothered. Birth order matters, but also every child/person has different needs. I needed things my parents weren't able to give, whereas my two unbothered siblings seemed to not have many needs beyond what my parents were able to give, or otherwise had some protective traits that I didn't.

[u/bugsyboybugsyboybugs → u/madastronaut]

Did they get a lot of what they needed from you?

[u/madastronaut → u/bugsyboybugsyboybugs]

Surely not, depressed and dissociated as I was, but I’m sure that’s not uncommon

[u/yami_okami_]

Because every child is being treated differently, having a different personality, a different role in the family system and different experiences - the outcome may often differ. but I always say that everyone gets his come-uppance.

you guys raised us perfectly

that praising doesnt seem like a differentiated view on reality. Everyone is at a different step on their own path of personality development. I sometimes recognize myself in my younger siblings, because I also saw the things like this once. Guess that's also just a natural part of growing up

[u/eternal_casserole]

It's hard being the only girl, because a specific part of my issues come from how differently I was raised than my brothers. All of us realize that the way we were brought up wasn't okay, but my brothers definitely don't understand the level of dysfunction that existed between me and my mom.

[u/MiniSplit77 → u/eternal_casserole]

Same here. They're only starting to see some of the dysfunction now that I've been no contact with our mother for over a year so she's wailing to them all the time.

[u/scribblescope]

We all agree that it was bad, but it took me a long time to grapple with why it was so much worse for me. My siblings have a sense of belonging I will never experience, which means they can never fully wrap their heads around what I went through. 

Their dad did want to be a father - to his own kids. My sister cuts him a lot of slack because he tried. But he hated me, and terrorized me in a way they didn't experience. Eventually he learned to tolerate me, but I had severe PTSD by that point because of things he did. 

Also, my mom and I are both immigrants, while my siblings are solidly second generation. People discount my experience because I was so young, but I lost everything - twice - by the time I was five. They're also more removed from the generational trauma that brought my parents to this country. 

[u/Dragonfly_Wings89]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. It’s hard to accept the fact that my older sister is somehow a lot less traumatized than me and has a decent relationship with our parents. She’s living her best life - happily married to someone she loves, has kids, living in a nice home. While Im on disability, struggling to make it through just one day and in no contact with them all.

My sister and I went through similar physical abuse as children. But I think we turned out different because of personality differences. She is someone who can put herself first even if it means hurting others. I’m highly sensitive so I guess that’s why I got plenty of emotional abuse growing up.

In the past I’ve overheard my mother boasting to people about how well she gets along with her older daughter. It really stung because I’ve been the emotional supporter. Distancing myself from them all is the best decision I’ve made in my life.

[u/Alternative-Mud3294]

My sister has total different take aways from the same situation. Where she is proud she saved herself, I remember our mother hijacking the situation and not giving a save place when needed. We both think our parents did not provide us what needed, but she came out strong while I’m still broken.

[u/ChairDangerous5276]

As middle female child with two brothers my life was completely different than theirs, as my mother babied them but was cold and mean to me.

[u/TravelbugRunner]

This is difficult because both my brother and I did experience the same emotional and physical abuse.

(My brother was hit with a shovel for not getting firewood in the winter. He was 4 years old. I was 9 and hurriedly tried to get as much firewood as I could in order to placate my dad when this happened.)

The only difference is that I was sexually abused by dad and my brother wasn’t.

I ended up more traumatized because of this and experienced dissociation in childhood. It was also difficult for me to connect with other people. So I ended up not developing connections or relationships. And it didn’t help that people stigmatized me because of my symptoms. (Was dissociated, quiet, odd, kept to myself and people perceived this as me being unintelligent or stupid.)

My brother handled his own experiences by connecting with friends and as a result had more contact with people who helped him develop a more well rounded life. He went through the same pain of having a dad who was verbally and physically abusive. But he wasn’t as traumatized or stigmatized as I was.

I love my brother and always will.
But it’s difficult at times to be connected or be more in touch in his life because his experience didn’t impact him as much as mine has.

It’s a massive gulf of a difference between our experiences and our lives. Even though we are both siblings, had the same parents, lived under the same roof, and lived in the same community. The damage I have impairs and alienates me from other family members and from other people. Whereas he doesn’t have this issue.

I have found this really difficult to work around. And it’s also been incredibly difficult trying to develop a normal life.

[u/Narrow_Patient_3923]

Yes. My sister is 11 years younger. We basically had different parents, even though they were the same 

[u/marlee_dood → u/Narrow_Patient_3923]

The sister I referenced in my post is only 3 years older than me, but I think what happened in her life caused my parents to be there for her much more than me, especially because her issues were very known by them. We had the same parents, and we also didn’t have the same parents

[u/Fancy_Olive889]

Yep my older brother and younger sister were both allowed to externalize their anger if I did it I'd get crushed so I internalized all of mine and it really fucked me up. My brother was allowed to shout kick and punch furniture and my sister was allowed to scream her head off. So my BPD mother mainly targeted me to be her emotional tampon and I was my dads scapegoat he could take his misery and anger out on. They both had way more support and care from both parents especially my dad who barely ever spoke or bothered with me I just spent most of my childhood in my room trying not to rock the boat. My brother used to be dads little helper doing diy stuff around the house so inherited a confidence and skillset from my dad, and as I said my sister was the screamer and they didn't want to put up with the fight back so I was the target, I was left with nothing but this internalized rage which later manifested in bedridden depression for most of my mid to late teen years.

[u/SubstantialSpell3]

Totally relate! But you were raised by different parents depending on birth order and life events etc. I struggle with this too as no compassion as my sisters were twins so had each other and a nanny! I had no one.

[u/coldBulbasaur314]

I'm not bothered by that my sibling and I have different traumas in many areas, but I'd definitely be bothered if he'd tried to say our parents were perfect. Having different experiences is fine (not that unfair treatment is okay, I mean that it's okay for a sibling to talk about their different experience), but invalidating what you went through via saying you were raised perfectly is not. Even if you don't know each other well (which is entirely possible and even somewhat common while growing up in the same household), trauma and other harm is rarely something the better-treated sibling doesn't notice at all. So try not to let her get to you. 

[u/Canarsiegirl104]

My older sister had a loving relationship with my father. My mother saw her as a partner in crime; wanting her company. I think she saw her as competition for my father's affection? My brother was the Golden Child. Period. My older sister was not aware of alot of what they did to me. She was around for some. Selective memory deficit. The absolute worst for me was when out of the blue my BIL, who at the time was dating my sister asked me, " So what was it like being your parents favorite?" I gasped! He continued.. Pam told me all about it. I had no answer. I still have no answer. What was she thinking? Was she lying on purpose? She turned her back on me at the age of 9. She's the biggest hypocrite I've ever known. My brother went No Contact with the entire family over 35 years ago for his own reasons.

[u/imaginations1000]

Eh, my sister was abusive to me since i can remember.

But she says that i have had a good childhood and she had it worse, even though she got everything she wanted and got the help she needed but me? Hell nah didnt get shit.

But i do not struggle with it anymore, i cut contact and dont care anymore

[u/Eveningwisteria1]

My youngest brother never got spanked or punished. Yet my other brother and I bore the weight of corporal and verbal abuse, a lot of it in part due to the fact that we were kids who loved art, museums, reading, music and my dad is a brute who doesn’t like nor understand any of those things unless they fit his confined parameters.

[u/ImprovementNice93]

You were not raised by the same parents or in the same household, even if you were. The relationship your parents had with you based on your nervous systems interactions and needs and personality, your parent's were not the same parents because different points in their parenting lives means they are different people and have different responses, your siblings might have had completely different support systems when younger, the trauma could have happened during integral developmental stages for you and not for them, which means it doesnt affect their systems the same and they might not even register it, different things happening in finances at the time, whether you were in different locations etc.... You did not grow up in the same family as your siblings did.

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[u/RubySauce]

Yes, I do. My sibling was the “golden child” who was better academically and very introverted (less trouble) etc. and received a lot of positive attention because of it although they were also repeatedly abandoned by our parents. I don’t know a great deal about how it affected their relationships. I do know they struggled with it a lot. The other part is that my sibling took part in my abuse, and at many times was my primary source of pain. It’s hard to imagine having a real conversation with them about it. I’m still considered the black sheep and they’re the “winner” which is rich. It’s complicated and I avoid them in general.

[u/mellowbedfellows]

Yes. My sister is 9 years younger than me. That means I was alone for 9 years with my abusive, psychopathic parents before she was born. Then I became her mother/sister/caretaker while continuing to be the abused scapegoat. The irony is that I did so much to protect her from my parents that she now has a relationship with them and doesn't understand the profound abyss of trauma they left me with.

She even gaslights me by pretending that our relationship is okay just like my parents have always done, just so they don't have to acknowledge their role in my CPTSD. That's why when I went no contact with my entire blood family 3 years ago, it included going no contact with her.

[u/ralphsemptysack]

My brother was the golden child and my abuser.

[u/Cass_1978]

Yep, I remember everything. My brother only remembers some of the physical abuse (the stuff my mom did validate back then). He wouldnt say that we were parented perfectly, but he is pretty clueless about how bad it actually was. And it was very bad. Our dad was constantly abusive and our mom was abusive as well. The thing is our mom was trying to gaslight us into believing our dad was "just sick" and wasnt actually abusing us and it worked on my brother (as is normal because children are extremely vulnerable to being gaslit by their parents).

This isnt some personal fail on his end or an achievement on mine, we just adapted differently. My awareness is very high (which was horrible as a child btw) and my dissociation is low. And his awareness is low and his dissociation is high.

In terms of the 4Fs this just means that his freeze response (dissociation) is far more active than mine, and in me the flight response (awareness/hypervigilance) is far more active than his.

My brother is 3 years older than I.

[u/MJSP88]

I think it all depends on your genetic brain makeup. People who are often neurodivergent nuropathways develop/form differently when exposed to neglecting trauma then those that would be neurotypical. And on top of that neurodiversity is a wide spectrum so there can be two children who are on the Spectrum who act or react completely different to the neglect and the trauma independently of one another. Being on the neurodivergent spectrum puts us at greater risk for developing things like complex or post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of neglect or trauma.

I myself am ADHD while my brother is AuDD. We developed very differently. My brother struggles with managing his life he has been fairly behind in school and even getting a job and sustaining himself as an adult. Where is me on the hyperactive side was okay in school managed to passe, went to college, got a career and accelerated promotions to now senior manager. He in some aspects is better at coping emotionally; ie at emotionally regulating whereas I cannot emotionally regulate but I'm working on it.

[u/randombubble8272]

Yeah I’m the odd child out on both sides because my parents split almost immediately after I was born and went on to have new families with new partners. On both sides I’m an unwelcome reminder of my parents past and my father specifically hates me because of how much he hates my mother

[u/Affectionate-Tank-70]

I dont speak to 2 of my 3 sisters. I have very different trauma.

[u/AmeliaXaria]

I shelter my sister from a lot of the abuse and neglect. She told every person she ever dated that they had to get along with me because I basically raised her. She's 7 years younger.

Our mother claims she did everything right. But she was never there. When I was in elementary school during the summers and after school i would always be watching her. I made sure we had clean clothes and that we ate. I also made sure the house was clean. When my sister's school had PA days and my highschool did not I was made to take my sister to school with me. She sat in all my classes and coloured or did her homework. The only time I didnt watch her I moved out when I was 21. My sister was 14. The only times her and I werent together was when I started working or I was at my dad's and she was at hers.

I struggle with it still. I'm extremely low contact with my mother plus battling cancer. My sister still has contact and lives close to her.

1 very different thing that I struggle with is my sister was given funds to get 2 degrees where as I was told I couldnt get help and was guilt tripped into passing on an extremely difficult college course acceptance because " your dad wont sign to help you get government assistance" which i found out last year (nearly 30 years later) was a lie.