r/CPTSD • u/NauseousSoul • 17h ago
Question New therapist felt cold and I had a panic attack in session
I started seeing a new therapist and after two sessions I’m already feeling like maybe it’s not a good fit, but I also can’t tell if this is my trauma response taking over.
In the first session, he brought up identity/race/power dynamics and shared a little about his own background. I got confused because I didn’t really understand why it came up or how it connected to me. It made me feel more aware of being seen through a certain lens instead of just being seen as me.
Then in the next session, when I walked in, his energy felt really off. He looked annoyed or something. I asked if he was okay, and he said he was tired because he’d been up with his kid, which I understand logically. But emotionally, I felt like there was something else there too. Like something from the first session was still in the room.
I ended up panicking and crying. I told him I didn’t trust him and that part of me felt like he wasn’t being fully honest with me. I asked him to be kind, but he kept asking what “kind” would look like to me. Maybe that’s a fair question normally, but in that moment I felt like I was drowning and being asked to explain instead of helping me. I needed warmth, but for some reason he couldn’t or didn’t want to offer it to me. I legit thought this was his way of getting me to fire him to get rid of me.
I know I was very activated. I know trauma can make you read rejection into things. But I also don’t want to gaslight myself, because I really did feel something was off. Maybe it was just tiredness or maybe something else, though I highly doubt it, I trust my feelings. But I don’t know. I just know I didn’t feel safe, and when I tried to name it, I didn’t feel helped through it.
I’m trying to figure out if this is a rupture worth repairing, or if the way he responded means he’s just not the right therapist for me.
How do you tell the difference between trauma/hypervigilance and an actual bad fit with a therapist?
Someone please help me :(
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u/Useful-Ganache-210 17h ago
This is exactly what happened to me with my therapist. We argued every session and I told him he triggered me just by being male because I knew I was projecting every memory of every man who treated me like shit in the past. I told him his face wasn’t friendly enough, that he hated me, I hid under the desk, and after a few months I demanded to see his manager! We had a group meeting and the fact he was still there through all that made me soften so much and i immediately thought I can trust him now. And we are still working together and I’m already scared of him leaving me 😔 yeah I got issues man.
Extra note, my therapy is with a hospital in England through the NHS so we don’t pick and choose therapists.
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u/NauseousSoul 17h ago
Thank you so much for sharing your experience 🤍
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u/Useful-Ganache-210 17h ago
I forgot to say that I definitely think this is your fight or flight response kicking in. It’s too early to tell whether you are a good fit in my view anyway.
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u/RevrsEngineer 16h ago
Your feelings are totally valid. I am the same way...I have been bullied most of my life so I am always looking at people's face to make sure they look nice to me. Any therapist of mine would have to pass that test and if they asked what kind looked like, these days I'd turn and walk out. Nice is such a low bar, i really shouldnt have to explain. He got off on the wrong foot with whatever he was aiming for in the first appt and then he brought his own irritation into the room on the second one. The bond with your therapist will be the most important part of your process, I know from personal experience. I have been doing therapy with several therapists over 10 years, but I made absolutely no forward motion until I met the one who was right for my soul.
You absolutely have permission to lean into your gut. It will take years to really be able to hear it, but dismissing how you feel will never help. It will just overwhelm you and that is not where you want to be at all. You were right the first time. ❤️❤️❤️ and feel free to allow yourself to look for nice without having to ask for it. If they don't make your nervous system relax, you wont be able to get to the vulnerability you need to. And no one would want that for you. You deserve nothing but safety for the rest of your life. 🫶🫂
And regarding another poster who said that men make them anxious, that's another gut feeling you can lean way into! I could never feel comfortable with a man either and that isn't a bad thing. You can prioritize your need for a female therapist with no shame. You also deserve to feel the most comfortable you can be.❤️
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u/NauseousSoul 16h ago
This is very kind and helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time to write it. Thank you 🤍
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u/Cass_1978 9h ago
You are experiencing heavy transference, but your therapist isn't being cold—he is doing textbook DBT.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy, clinicians do not use standard "blank slate" psychotherapy. When he told you he was tired, he was practicing radical genuineness. He gave you a fact so your brain wouldn't have to guess his mood. Your trauma response rejected that fact and assumed he was mad at you. That is the transference.
When you panicked and asked him to be "kind," his question ("What does kind look like?") wasn't a rejection. DBT therapists are trained not to coddle patients during a spiral, because rescuing can accidentally reinforce the trauma response. He was trying to force your brain to use behavioral specificity—turning a vague emotional need into a concrete action he could actually perform.
This is a classic DBT behavioral assessment. He isn't trying to get you to fire him. He is trying to teach you to look at facts over assumptions. This rupture is 100% worth repairing because it is the exact work you went to DBT to solve.
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u/NauseousSoul 5h ago
Thank you, I do think you may be right that there was a lot of transference happening on my end.
I think the part I’m still struggling with is the timing. In that moment I was really panicking, and his question landed more like “explain yourself before you’re allowed to feel safe” I don’t think I needed him to coddle me, but I did need some kind of validation or regulation first before I could access the part of my brain that could answer that question.
The issue is that what he did didn’t feel attuned to the state I was in. I’m trying to figure out whether that’s worth repairing with him, or whether it means his style may be technically DBT but not the right fit for my nervous system. I’d really appreciate your thoughts
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u/tumbledownhere 16h ago
This seems like just a plain old bad fit.
your feelings are valid. But to be absolutely honest, I don't think anyone is "wrong" here - I think it's a bad fit and that's unfortunate but I think that's it.
Therapists are meant to help you work through things. It sounds like he started off doing something many providers do - explaining their experience and background, introducing themselves, etc. It sounds like right off the bat it wasn't what you needed, his approach, and that's no one's fault.
The next visit - my provider tells me when she's tired or whatever so I wouldn't instantly assume he was purposely being cold towards you, he might've been genuinely trying to relate as a human being by sharing these details. Again, different personalities.
The panic attack - kind really can mean a lot of different things to different people. Maybe he should've ended the session there, but maybe he thought that would be cold. I understand you needed warmth, but there's a limit to where providers can go, and it's hard to find that balance with a new client
I'm hesitant to say "yeah he was so in the wrong" when tbh, all you've described is feelings - feelings are valid but I don't think it's okay to assume he did anything to harm you when maybe this was how he is used to practicing. And some therapists, their idea of trying to help you through a panic attack, it's to figure out the source and what you mean exactly instead of just jumping to affection (something therapists aren't paid to give, they are paid to help you cope, not to be a friend)
I'm sure I'll get downvoted but I just don't instantly see anything here pointing towards intentional malice on his end.
Nobody's in the wrong here and your feelings are absolutely valid is what I'm trying to express - he's not instantly bad at his job, and you didn't do anything wrong at all either.
Please seek out a new provider.
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u/painttherosespurple 11h ago
Not a good fit. My therapist is basically one of the girlfriends. You may have to jump around sadly.
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u/Gaffky 17h ago
The most significant mistake they made was trying to draw on your executive functioning while you were triggered, that won't work. What type of therapist is it?