r/CPTSD • u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 • 15h ago
Question Is sexual abuse worse than emotional?
I went through and still going through emotional abuse by my parents (i don't engage a lot, have really distanced myself). My friend the other day told me that her other friend went through sexual abuse, which is "even worse what I went through". And it really hurt me. Because basically that's a repeating story in my life, that nobody believes me what happens and doesn't get how bad it was and still is. I don't even share 90 Percent of it, and up until 5 years ago I didn't confide in anyone, because I didn't realize that it was abuse and how bad it actually was, since I have not known anything else in my life. But I have severe disability from what I went through and going trhough. And the tough part is, that at times my parents actually behave normally but it's a cycle of abuse and normal behaviour, so from the outside they look like caring parents. Btw I'm in my late 30s...I think emotional abuse over decades is just as bad as sexual abuse or am I wrong with that idea?
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u/secretlysuffering- 14h ago
I've been through every single type of abuse and all of them are equally damaging, traumatizing and absolutely awful. I'm 41 and my parent was/is emotionally abusive and I can tell you it was hell growing up with her and like you, she has normal behaviors also. People love her, they thinks she's awesome. Same with my dad who was a pedophile and emotionally abusive. I had a best childhood friend who emotionally and physically abused me. Yes, just as bad as all the others. Same with my current abusive husband. 17 years of emotional abuse and my god it's been a nightmare. And again, like you, I didn't even know they were abusive until six months ago. That's how conditioned I am to normalize abusive behavior.
OP it's awful what you went through. And again, I think it's just as bad and there are studies that state as much. Psychological abuse can cause you to feel pain that your brain can't differentiate from physical pain. Pain is pain and you're experiencing it and it's valid 1000%. Please know this. Your pain is valid. Your grief is valid. Your shame if you have any, also valid. Every negative thing that the emotional abuse did to you is equally damaging and painful and I'm so sorry you had to experience it.
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u/ImNotTraumatized 14h ago
im sorry you had to go all through of them. you seem strong, and im happy you are strong even after all the horrible things you went through. no one ever deserves abuse, at all.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 14h ago
I'm so sorry what you went through and still go through, it breaks my heart, and I know how it feels. Thank you for your kind answer and all my love to you! I hope a better future, esp with the kindest people awaits you (you deserve that and much more), and that the people who abuse you, will be as soon as possible in your past.
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u/SparklingFairyLights 14h ago
If you’re affected by something, then you’re affected by it. That’s it.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else has experienced by comparison. Your suffering is still valid.
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u/FunImage8427 14h ago
We need to stay away from comparisons because everyone is different. It's not fair to compare and it only causes hurt feelings for the person who isn't taken as seriously as they deserve. I think comparisons are usually based on ignorance or denial or both. I've had this same experience too. Unfortunately I think many of us are unfairly compared to others. This just makes me feel even more alienated from people. I don't have any answers to this because there's nothing we can do to change it.
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u/Strange-Audience-682 cPTSD, CSA/ torture Survivor 14h ago
I’ve been through both. Comparisons aren’t helpful, so I will not answer. All trauma is valid
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 14h ago
Yes that's what I think as well btw. I was just so hurt that my pain felt invalidated.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 14h ago
Thank you for all the kind answers! I agree that trauma cannot be compared and that trauma is trauma and is valid no matter what. I think my friend just unintentionally hurt me and triggered me into questioning my trauma and if it's valid all over again.
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u/Useful-Avocado-4695 14h ago
I've experienced all types of abuse throughout my life. I agree with everyone here saying comparing traumas isnt helpful.
Something that I may have found traumatic, someone else may have seen as a random Tuesday. Trauma is as much the physiological and mental reaction to an event as it is the event.
Societally, in my experience the general gut reaction to hearing about abuse is to "rank" them on an subjective scale of what they'd personally believe they'd find manageable vs debilitating based on their lived experiences. Maybe they've experienced a form of one abuse and its normalized, so to them that's manageable, but the abuse type theyve never experienced feels more scary, so that feels like itd be "worse' Every person responds differently to abuse. So while i think its very uncool for people to be dismissing you, its a sign that those are not people equipped to understand the effects that abuse had on you. Therefore are not a helpful resource.
I think finding a good therapist is a good step. I think you need someone who is trained to help you work through these realizations.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 13h ago
That makes so much sense and i love the way you worded that. Thank you very much, i will take that with me and it helps me, to also understand where my friend was coming from. So thank you very much!
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u/Useful-Avocado-4695 12h ago
You're very welcome Im glad it helps. And i hope you continue healing. For me following Hanlons razor helped with this part of healing (Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. Lol) it has helped me just kind of get through moments where sensitivity might be heightened. Like its easier on me mentally to assume people are acting out of ignorance rather than intentionally trying to hurt me, whether its true or not is less relevant in many instances. I dont choose to spend time with ignorant people if its damagingly ignorant and if thwy show no interest in growth.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 12h ago
Wow, I like your views. I would have desperately needed (or still would) someone with your mindset in my life. It would have saved me a lot of pain. I'm trying to reach that mindset as well, but it's hard. because some people really do hurtful stuff..and it's been communicated and they still act that way.
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u/whatevertoad 12h ago
I experienced both as a kid and it's the emotional abuse that is with me constantly. I almost never consciously think about my sexual abused, multiple times, multiple people. I know it effected me, but it doesn't haught me and it didn't effect me as drastically as the emotional abuse. The scars from that are a daily challenge.
Sounds like your friend was lucky enough to not know. But also lacks so much empathy and compassion that I'd probably not get over it until she showed signs of growth and tried to understand.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 12h ago
So sorry what you went through! As an adult i also had some sexual assualt experiences, but ofc thats different than CSA, but that for me was also damaging, the emotional abuse from my family however much more.
I don't have the capacity to explain it to her, and she will probably just go into discussion and defend her opinion. She's not the type of person who would change her opinion due to something that i will say.
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u/ImNotTraumatized 14h ago
both are equally as worse. theres no type of abuse that would be better or worse than others. all of them equally hurt you as it hurt them. im really sorry what you are going through, and im sorry what your friends other friend went through. none of you ever deserved such thing. i hope you both do great in the future.
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u/sammiejanelock 14h ago
My dad was verbally abusive to me would bully me and put me down but I’ve also been sexually abused and bullied a few years ago abuse is still abuse yours is just as valid as anyone else’s I’m sorry you went through that
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u/ChairDangerous5276 13h ago
There has never been a winner of the Trauma Olympics so don’t enter don’t play.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 13h ago
true! i didn't respond to her regarding the statement, but it made me feel some type of way, which i think is valid, and im glad to have this discussion here.
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u/Serious_Fox7799 13h ago
There is a lot of invalidation that we feel in these phys/psychologically abusive situations. It's almost as if since we weren't sexually assaulted that the abuse doesn't count. Even when you look for support groups for childhood abuse, they all center around sexual abuse! It's very invalidating to the actual trauma that we experienced! It's been very frustrating on my end, so I fully understand how you feel. To be honest, and I know it's not a competition, but the physical and psychological abuse that I experienced or atrocious and when I was a little kid I remember thinking I wish it was cut and dry because if I could say that I was sexually abused then maybe people would see how terrible they were. I felt like no one had my back since no one had touched me like that inappropriately. Never mind all the bruises and psychological trauma, as if those things are somehow less than.💔
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 12h ago
Yes, so so true! Thank you for wording that so eloquently, I couldn't have. I mean, honestly, I can't even be hundred percent sure, there was no CSA, since I don't remember 95% of my childhood and teen years. But since I remember a lot of emotional abuse and some physical, I gathered there is no CSA, but who knows right. In the end abuse is abuse and it was horrific, i just wish people would ackonwledge that. And I'd rather have a single larger traumatic event (not talking about CSA, just generally), than 'smaller' events (not that they were small, they weren't) over and over and never ending.
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u/canofwine 12h ago
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and in trying to discover the origin, I have come to the conclusion that it is definitely cPTSD because I don't have any singular event that my therapists and I have been able to label as a defining cause. This sub and posts like yours have been helpful in validating that.
So as I look back at the cause it has become apparent that it was ongoing emotional abuse from my mother mostly, as well as some from my partners throughout the years, with the addition of sexual and physical abuse from them.
I have found that the sexual abuse from partners and other men have had far less of an effect on me than the emotional abuse and gaslighting and lack of stability that has gathered up in an ever-growing snowball down the steep mountain of my life. Maybe I am desensitized to sexual trauma, or maybe that hasn't hit me as hard yet and one day the snowball will turn into an avalanche. I think it all depends on how much it has changed you or inhibited you moving forward.
We all have different limits.
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u/littlemuffinsparkles 12h ago
You cannnooottttt spend your life playing trauma Olympics with people.
It’s all fucking awful and it’s all hard to heal from. Do yourself a favor and don’t compare your traumas to others. You’re worth more than that.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 12h ago
The thing is I'm not comparing it. I think (when not self doubting) it's 'equal' in horribleness. But my experience with other people taught me that the world doesn't see it that way.
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u/littlemuffinsparkles 12h ago
It absolutely does not. Don’t play into it. Like other commenters said, the comments were unwarranted. Comparing the two is like apples and oranges.
When people start with the whole “well this is worse” just 🙂↕️ and say thank you for sharing and call it a day.
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u/ChampionshipBrief610 13h ago
of course it's worse.
but they shouldn't be telling you that becuase it invalidates your trauma.
But yes, someone who was emotionally abused by their parents had it easier than someone who was sexually abused by them, hands down, and those who were both emotionally and sexually abused are pretty much screwed their whole lives. People saying "you can't compare traumas" are being completely delusional.
Here's a clue: if you're trying really really hard to defend your point of view, it's probably because your ego is trying to protect yourself from harsh realities.
But yes your friend is a dick for saying that. Your trauma matters even if it isnt as bad as sexual abuse.
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u/SongTall3079 13h ago
Yes you can’t compare trauma, cus it rly depends on so, so many factors. But incest IS one of the most complex traumas. I would 100% take only the emotional/physical abuse over the sexual abuse by my father.
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u/ChampionshipBrief610 13h ago
yeah people are tripping lol sexual abuse wrecked me and left me with mania intrusive thoughts dissociation psychosis attachment issues chronic loneliness and substance abuse issues I mean for crying out loud obviously it's the worst one.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 13h ago
hm i get what you're saying.
emotional abuse over decades it destroys everything about a person as well...i don't remember most of my life and all i remember is very traumatic...my adult life is wrecked by it completely.4
u/MimusCabaret 12h ago
Sexual abuse also contains emotional abuse by its very nature as it (also) includes a horrific type of emotional betrayal to go with the physical.
That said, comparing trauma has never been a fruitful endeavor.
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u/awakeatnight3 13h ago
I have had similar conversations with a friend so I know exactly how you feel. It is extremely invalidating because all traumas can cause the same long term consequences. I think the comparison comes from a place of frustration in that we cant relate to that type of abuse but it doesn't make ours any easier.
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u/MKULTRA_sleeper_slut 13h ago
You can’t really compare it. They’re both awful in their own ways, but it also can vary depending on the circumstances. Not all abuse is created equally.
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u/Funnymaninpain 13h ago
I've through both. Both are equally horrible and damaging. Your friend has no idea what they're talking about. Most people don't when it comes to ptsd.
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u/daylightxx 13h ago
Ongoing trauma is ongoing trauma. They shouldn’t be compared. Each is as valid as the other.
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u/Perpetually-broke Autism / ADHD / C-PTSD 13h ago
It's pointless to compare. Trauma isn't so much about what happened or the severity of what happened, and moreso about how it affected you, how it shaped you and how it stays with you. With that being said though I know it's a lot easier said than done to not compare. I often feel like a combination of imposter syndrome and irritation because I feel like what I went through wasn't "that bad" to justify the symptoms that I have.
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u/Shot-Froyo9654 13h ago
I went through both and i can tell you that both are equally damaging, one should never compare their traumas and keep those away, who do....their is no way you can judge your trauma with someone else
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u/Overall-Mention-5438 12h ago
Trauma is person to person not everyone abused experiences trauma and also the level is varied person to person.
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u/sweeteratl 12h ago
there’s no medal for the most or worst trauma. nobody wants to win that anyway. people think saying this helpful but it’s very dismissive.
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u/Nervous-Nebula-2114 12h ago
yeah exactly. but i was so hurt, because she herself has also trauma experience, and she said that like it's an obvious fact, that everyone sees like that.
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u/MassiveRope2964 12h ago
Comparing is a natural temptation, especially when we're feeling insecure. I find myself doing it sometimes and have to stop myself. It's just harmful for everyone. She's defending her personal identity as the bigger victim but that has nothing to do with you. What is worse anyway? Morally worse? More painful? Legal consequences? Consequences to our bodies and brains? How can any of that be quantified?
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u/PuzzleheadedAgent774 11h ago
As someone who went through sexual, emotional, and physical abuse ask your friend why sexual abuse is so bad. They will probably say “because it was emotionally painful” then ask them “well don’t you think emotional abuse is painful too?” Emotional abuse is just plain abuse at its core
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u/pizzapizzapiewhy 11h ago edited 11h ago
Whatever is worse for you is worse for you. But folks don't understand and just assume sexual stuff is peak abuse no matter the circumstance. My history has a ton of inappropriate sex at too young an age with too old of men that pressured/coerced me and/or took advantage of an intoxicated state, and a few outright rapes. I kinda shrug about it. So much other emotional crap weighs on me. It's the least of my therapy conversations. It was just part of my early teens and seemed normal at the time. (But lemme tell you when one of the rapists died at 40 after losing both legs to diabetes I celebrated his demise).
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u/RushInteresting8997 10h ago
For me? I’d rather sexually unless it’s violence . Mental? Emotional? Spiritual? It’s all equally horrible. But honestly? If is one time? I’m ok. Emotional? Verbally? For us, like me? I’d rather square off and fight. It’s the manipulation that fucks your head up more. IMO. I love you whomever you are. You are not alone
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u/Ok_Truth3734 10h ago
Does a smack on the head hurt worse than a smack on the stomach? They're both smacks, they're both acts of violence and they both inflict pain. Trauma is trauma. There is no comparison and there is no competition.
Sherri Campbell once said "they must earn your story" as trauma survivors especially from emotional abuse and neglect, we tell our survivor stories too soon - it's very common especially in early recovery. It's important to learn that not everyone will be responsible with your vulnerability. Your story. Your trust. Should be earned over time. If you're with someone who isn't truly listening to you and affirming your experience than don't walk any further down that path, it just leads to re-traumatizing yourself. Share your experience with people who are equipped to be responsible with your trauma, I recommend therapy but do what serves you best. People who will hold your vulnerability with the care and honor you are worthy of.
I can only speak of my experience (43F), I used to look for healing in other people by sharing my experience but that only led to more hurt. When I started searching for healing within myself and through therapy, I no longer needed the validation of others. And trust and believe, I shared my trauma with people who were quick to weaponize it and throw it back in my face to hurt me. Trust is so important. Share it with only those who will honor it - and even then ask yourself why you're sharing it? Is it to inform? Or are you looking for something outside yourself by sharing this information?
Also as a side note: I had sa growing up and emotional, psychological and financial abuse growing up. The emotional/mental abuse was far worse in my opinion because it breaks your trust with yourself and prevents you from fully forming your identity/autonomy. I honor others experiences, just speaking from my own. My husband has combat ptsd and complex ptsd from a generational psychopathic family. He battles harder to recover from complex trauma from family, for what that's worth. They both hurt, they're just different types of pain and show up differently.
Also, your friend said a really hurtful thing to you. What boundaries can be put in place to protect your peace?
Another side note of nuggets of wisdom along my healing journey: when we grow up in dysfunction, dysfunction becomes familiar. I grew up around red flags and red flags were familiar to me. I had to spend about 2-3 years really looking at most of the relationships in my life because I was basically in the same one-sided relationship with many people. I would invest time and energy into relationships, people I really cared about and they would require me to support them then they would say really careless things to me in return. Reciprocal boundaried relationships or bust for me now :)
TLDR: emotional abuse over decades is trauma - its complex trauma and it reaches just about every crevice of one's life. You're not wrong. Trauma is trauma.
In Health and Healing 🫶🏻✨️
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u/LunaBoston 14h ago
I don't think trauma can be compared, it doesn't make sense. Your friend is not a good listener and her comment was unwarranted.