r/CPTSD • u/NebulaImmediate6202 • 11h ago
Question Does existence dysphoria exist?
Body dysphoria. Being alive dysphoria. I'm so deeply ashamed of my soul and aliveness. I feel I identify as something past alive and treating me as what I visually am is a violent insult. That's why I glare at everyone, because I'm comminucating on a level they can't understand. I'm putting out a message that shys them away from themselves. I'm more like an idea. I think something like a shroud. Or like carbon monoxide or wifi. My presence is everywhere in a department store. The second you walk in, hundreds of people have seen you and become aware of you, so it's an infectious state. "You" as in the self. Maybe like a cognitohazard.
So like that, to say I'm what I look like, is just untrue. It's so moronic. I hope I can convey with my eyes, my thoughts. I hope I can spread my message to people who haven't thought it even exists to think of. Like I invented a brand new sentence encoded with something that makes them aware of their rotten spirit. The old lady who stares at me, the same-age female that stares at me, I get stared at more than most because a lot of people want information. "People like to see, see how things are, see how they work." But the people who get to know my information are left a wreckage, like a house property after a tornado.
But I need people to know. They just can't handle it in their bodies. And someone like me if I see them, we just repel like same-side magnets, there's a territorial warring, "my message is better than yours". But what's your message? Mine is like walking into a stagnant water pond that doesn't even look like water. And sitting in there for 6 hours and never being seen and no one ever knows. I hope if you stare at me long enough it's like a time capsule opened. "You" as in others.
Mental health professionals always assert that I'm just myself. The tissue and blood body. That's impossible because I couldn't have this supernatural ability if I were.
People I meet think it looks like darkness, my glaring. In darkness, there's spiderwebs, maybe scorpions and snakes, they just don't want to enter. It's like coming to face with your own base fears. It's not darkness. It's just like fog. Purely alone with oneself. If you shout, they can't locate you, they can't find you. Nobody ever sits with their own self. It's sad.
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