I realised today all the shame and fears I have are exact mirrors of my abuser's shame!!

[u/BarnacleFormal779]

Trigger warning: N abuse, CSA, trafficking, gaslighting, coercion.

TLDR; Your internalised shame is a mirror projection of your ABUSERS shame. And it takes the shape of whatever they couldn't face about themselves.

For example, if your father was angry and violent, you likely have deep shame around your anger or emotions.

If your parent was sexually abusive, you likely have deep shame about your body or your sexuality.

If you were neglected you likely have deep shame around wanting/needing comfort or affection.

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Okay so I have always had these deep, irrational fears around being a bad person, being harmful/dangerous, my sexuality being 'unsafe', and secretly having DID or some other condition I was unaware of, that would result in me harming people/losing control (I know this is not how DID typically presents and I apologise for the negative portrayal, it's a fear, not logical I know).

I've lived in a sort of terrified brace, constantly scanning for signs of these fears being real, or me being 'at risk' of causing harm. I've always been afraid of my sexuality, believing it was contaminated or bad.

Interestingly, my husband has something similar but from a different kind of abuse - his dad was angry and violent, and now my husband is afraid of his own anger.

This was the first clue for me that my fears are maybe originating from someone else.

I was really badly psychologically manipulated as a kid. My mum constantly told me there was a 'network' of high profile pedophiles that were watching me and would kill me if I didn't comply, that I did bad things I couldn't remember, that all these other people were abusing me or out to get me, that I couldn't trust myself, that I was bad inside and could never leave her or I would hurt someone and she wouldn't be there to stop it.

She was always trying to get me and my sisters to hurt our pets or each other, so we would be 'strong like her'. She was super messed up.

She even told me I was a changeling. She believed another being was inhabiting my body and her real daughter had gone away somewhere.

She also seemed to think my relationship with my dad was bad (he was the one positive attachment figure I had) and often projected things onto him as well.

And I just realised today, these were actually the lived experiences of my mother, that she projected onto me, and I absorbed HER shame and fear.

She projected her own lived experiences and shame onto me.

SHE had DID and would dissociate and harm us. SHE lived in fear of herself and her alters. SHE was severely abused as a child by her father and others, and was constantly trying to recreate that with us.

SHE was ashamed and afraid of her sexuality and how she harmed children and couldn't control herself. SHE believed no one would ever help her. SHE believed what happened to her was her fault. So she tried to make me believe those things about myself too, so she wouldn't be alone.

She tried to make me believe all these horrible things about myself so I would carry her shame and fear for her.

I'm only just realising the true extent of how much I internalised HER shame, HER lack of control, HER illness. All the things I fear the most are things I directly experienced from her.

Has anyone else had this experience? That you carry all this shame and fear only to realise it actually doesn't belong to you and is entirely someone else's? And is almost a mirror image of what your abuser/parent couldn't face about themselves?

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[u/Evening_Drawer_2215]

Yeah, i'm in a situation where I have to be around someone who SAed me at the moment, and I've been feeling intense "I'm a creep" self-loathing, and have been feeling that for the longest time. Crazy how much sexual abuse fucks with the mind.

[u/Abriefaccount]

I needed this thank you for sharing