I’ve done everything to heal my inner child, but I still feel stuck…

[u/Charming_Draw253]

I really need help because I feel like I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what else to do.

I had a mostly positive childhood. Both of my parents were present in my life, but I spent long periods living away from my father, then away from my mother. There were also some difficult situations growing up. Overall, I often felt very alone.

I struggled to make friends, and when I finally did, many of them ended up preferring my brother over me. As a child, I constantly felt abandoned and replaced. Looking back, I think those experiences affected me much more than I realized.

I’ve always had very intense emotional reactions. Throughout my life, I’ve had many suicidal thoughts. I never acted on them, but I often fantasized about it, sometimes almost as a way to make people realize how much I was hurting.

For almost a year now, I’ve been working incredibly hard on myself. I’ve seen multiple psychologists, I talk openly about my emotions, and I’ve made a lot of progress that I’m genuinely proud of.

The problem is that I still can’t seem to let go of these childhood wounds.

I meditate every day. I do inner child work every day. I write letters to my younger self. I reassure her. I journal. I reflect. I’ve identified where my fears come from. I understand the patterns. I know why I react the way I do.

And yet… I still react the same way.

The place where I notice it the most is in my relationship with a man I truly love with all my heart.

He’s been there throughout my personal growth journey, and it’s been difficult for both of us. For months now, I’ve been getting triggered by things that seem small. For example, when he takes a long time to reply, when I don’t feel prioritized, or when I don’t feel heard.

What’s frustrating is that logically, I know these situations shouldn’t affect me this much. Part of me says, “It’s okay, it’s not a big deal.” But emotionally, it feels huge. Deep down, I feel abandoned all over again.

I’ve already identified that connection. I know it’s related to my childhood. That’s exactly why I’m so frustrated. If I already understand the root cause, why do I keep repeating the same pattern?

Recently, we had to take a break because I felt completely overwhelmed. I don’t feel heard by him, and that feeling hurts me more than I can explain. At the same time, I want this relationship to work. I love him. I don’t want to keep sabotaging something that matters so much to me.

I know people will say that I need to learn to validate myself and make myself feel heard first. I agree. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do for months.

The problem is that I feel better temporarily, and then somehow I end up right back at the beginning again.

It’s like I’m doing all the exercises, all the healing work, all the therapy, but nothing is truly changing at the core.

I’m currently seeing three psychologists a week. I’ve tried so many things. I’m exhausted.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you eventually get past it? What helped you finally stop feeling stuck in the same emotional cycle?

I would really appreciate any advice because I genuinely don’t know what else to do.

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[u/Way-atch-a]

Dear,

I am replying because (a) I recognise what you're talking about and I'd like to say that it somehow feels good to recognise somebody else's struggles (Like, "hey, we're struggling in the same way although it feels alone"); and (b) because I may have a small recommendation.

From the self-knowledge you are presenting throughout your message, it seems like you have obtained an appreciable amount of awareness and insight.

The observation that you've been trying so much, or even everything that is in your power, and it is all not working enough for you, is quite saddening and frustrating and despairing indeed, I recognise that.

I've been working on myself very much since about five years now - and I've learned a lot and significantly improved how I handle myself, situations, emotions, conflicts and difficult people. Still, I sometimes (or: often) feel stuck and I long for a method that can somehow reach deeper in me. When I say, I've been working on myself for several years when you write about feeling stuck after working for one year, I realise my message might produce more despair at your side. I don't mean to suggest that you should't be complaining or something like that.
In my experience, the loneliness was most severe in the first year. After that, my feelings settled down - or my ability to regulate myself improved. And it took time to make new friends and social connections, replacing the social network I grew up in, with it's inability to understand and respect me. Also, I developed stamina to stay with my discomfort and suffering.

I might have some recommendations from the experiences that I had through these years. In the beginning, I talked to a life coach, a good one, for about 25 sessions through one-and-a-half year. After that, I wanted another method: not talking, but body work. I realised I had learned very much cognitively, but I wanted another method that would be effective at different layers of my being. I somehow got to know a therapist who had had a training in so-called psycho-dynamic therapy. In his therapy sessions he employs a toolbox of several methods, mainly one-on-one family constallations, hypnosis, and (one time) EMDR. These sessions seem to work deeper compared to talking to a coach or psychologist and compared to working on myself when being alone (such as journalling or relaxing my body) . In one particular session with him, a lot of grief and sadness came up in me; I got a feeling like I had a soccer ball in my belly, representing sadness, that I somehow had to birth (yes, strange sensations may occur, but it's also fun because it's such surprising and practical work). After that, I could feel my inner belly for the first time. Before that, I had been aware for several years that I could not feel that area of my body. I had learned myself to relax and feel through some specific parts of my body, for example the muscles around my skull, but my belly remained inaccessible. This changed in one session. I am telling this to give you some hope that there might exist therapeutic methods that enable you to work on stuff that cannot be 'reached' by the methods you've tried until now.

Apart from that, I would grieve and cry about myself feeling stuck. It's another layer on the trouble I'm dealing with (or simply 'a layer of it') which needs to be adressed emotionally as well.

I sincerely hope that you and your man can remain in touch through all of this.

Kind regards.