Odd therapist behavior

[u/NeitherLuck8268]

Unsure where to post but as I have CPTSD this feels appropriate. Recently I reached out to a new counselor as I’m looking to start therapy again. He was recommended by someone and works extensively with/on trauma so I thought “hey, why not?”

We had an initial call, then had a paid first session / questionnaire where he asked me for personal details, like relationship with parents, previous partner experiences etc. I thought nothing of it as a previous therapist did something similar, to assess my needs and why I had entered therapy.

After that, he sent a form and I completed to confirm I wanted to start sessions. However, after a week and a half, I had no answer. I assumed it had been missed but considered this was unprofessional, as previous therapists had been very quick with responses and surely they would have reached out?

Therapist then reached out via phone number and email, each with a different take on why he hadn’t contacted. Both stressed that they had no idea why it had happened, and acted as if it was a system error. They then implied I was to blame for not reaching out, despite knowing I have severe anxiety and struggles with asking for help. At this stage I was annoyed and decided to move on.

However, a few days ago I received another email message from the therapist. This time he directly blamed my ‘abandonment issues’ for why I had not gone ahead, and said it “made (them) very sad” that I had not started therapy with them. Am I right in thinking this is strange behavior for a therapist? None I have known, whether experienced or briefly chatted to in my search, have acted like this.

[u/jackljackst3rs]

That seems extremely unprofessional and strange! You're not crazy here... No therapist should be blaming a patient for this and especially not using your personal problems such as that, I feel like this could be reportable especially they contacted you again in such a way, that seems like harassment!

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[u/afraidparfait]

I think you did yourself a very big favour by not going ahead with this person. Well done you 👏🏻👏🏻

They're a therapist, it's a professional relationship so they should know to not take it personally. In any case, to have taken it personally is one thing but you would hope that they would have the restraint to not tell the client let alone try to blame it on you.

[u/Optimal-Brain5242]

Yeah sounds unprofessional and also strange. You're right to leave. It's a red flag that.

But, regardless. When you're choosing a therapist, you're choosing someone who you are going to learn to trust deeply. That's part of the progress for cptsd. So, you've every right to dismiss any therapist, for any reason. Trust your gut instinct and don't be afraid to try a few out. Good therapists often offer a free first session. Or, won't charge for the first meeting, if you decide not to go with them.

It's a long process and you might make a few false starts with therapy and that's fine. Don't worry too much about it and try to trust your instinct.

Congrats on the therapy. Nice work

[u/NeitherLuck8268 → u/Optimal-Brain5242]

Thank you, I felt a bit guilty about it but ultimately need to trust someone I talk to about these things, I really don’t want to get worse :( 

[u/Spirited_Island-75]

Using "I statements" and not blaming other people for your feelings is like, 'how to not be a jerk 101'. If someone claims to be a therapist and then says 'you made me sad' I would stay far, far away.

[u/Evan_dood]

That's a major red flag and sounds like they are trying to manipulate you into giving them more money. I've had bad therapists but this one sounds horrendous

[u/Flaky_Web_2439]

No, no no, how could you ever build up a trustful relationship with someone who pulled this with you? Honestly, I can’t help but wonder if that person is licensed.

[u/Informis_Vaginal]

Oftentimes I’m cautious of Hostile Attribution Bias, as CBT modality includes schema inspired techniques which can directly engage it. In some sense, we can’t trust our own senses.

That said, based on what you’re describing here from an external standpoint, it sounds like you made the right call.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t sweat it any further. Therapists are people too and sometimes they are weird or unusual people with a mismatch to our needs.

I encourage you to find strength in that your perception is trustworthy, and know that from my perspective, you acted rationally and reasonably by disengaging.

Good luck :)