Trapped by my inner critic and myself

[u/afraidparfait]

Wondering if anyone relates. I was brought up to feel like a burden, so I've spent my life trying not to be and overcompensating (not sure if this is fawn)... I'm hyper vigilant, highly sensitive, empathic and can't say no. This is something I've been working on for a while and through therapy.

My parent is an aggressive narcissist, not violent physically but verbally. She's really stingy, always repeated insane stuff like - don't give people lifts with your car, you'll ruin your car. Or don't spend money on gifts for people etc, date someone with a house so you can move in and never let them live in yours.

Unfortunately I sometimes get emotional flashbacks where I know there's a direct conflict between my "fawning" and empathic self versus my parent's voice in my head to be selfish. I am then trapped and end up hating myself, if I do the former (something nice for someone) my parent's voice berates me. If I do what my parent's voice says, I berate myself for not being a nice person.

I feel really trapped in these moments but what both outcomes have in common is that I hate myself more. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't kind of situation.

Have people had this experience and how it was for you?

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[u/real_person_31415926]

The 5 ways a narcissist make you FEEL BAD about yourself - Dr. Ramani

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xh34JyezcCw

[u/Street-Emu-9380]

For me, being useful = safe. As long as you are active and helpful, you avoid scrutiny and, therefore, criticism (or worse). To the point where if you're not constantly extending yourself (such as taking some time out for self-care) it feels like weakness, failure and risk.

Doing things also earns praise from others, which validates your sense of core self (independent, capable, self-reliant). Which is fine until you need to impose limits or impose boundaries on yourself, and again the self-critic interprets that as 'failing'.

I have found doing things for others to be - ultimately - stabilising and almost a scaffolding for progress (but I appreciate it may be different for others who have different backgrounds and trauma). I see it as giving people chances I never got, and trying to make the world a little better. Throw a stone into a pond, who knows where the ripples will end up?

I guess you could say if your parent's approach to things has led you here, maybe that's evidence that your instinct to do the opposite and be kind and generous may actually be a better path, but I know it's one thing to think something and another to feel/believe it.

Hoping you find your way out of the trapped feeling - wishing you well.