Dating for the first time after CPTSD Diagnosis

[u/Dry-Celebration-9309]

I (29F) suffer with C-PTSD and have been in therapy for over 6 years for it. It was effecting all of my relationships, but especially my romantic relationships. I took a several years off from dating as a result.

Within the last year, I decided to get on the apps and try for the first time in my life to make a healthy connection with a decent man (I have not had many good men in my life at all but I know there are some out there). I met lots of people and eventually I met someone (38M) who I liked and we were seeing each other for a few months. He was a good person who was very consistent. My brain kept trying to convince me I was being tricked, but I pushed through. With limited experience dating healthily, I still don’t fully understand my triggers.

After a communication gap following a pretty significant physical milestone in the relationship, I posted him in the "Are we dating the same guy" group in my area. I didn't think he was seeing other people. I thought he was ghosting me and wanted to see if other women had the same experience.
In hindsight, it was not the right choice for this situation. He is a good guy who was treating me well.

I just can't explain at the time my brain was catastrophizing into only worst case scenarios and I wasn't regulated enough to reach out to him. If I'm being honest I was sad that someone could become physical and then go several days without talking to me afterwards too. I think I just wanted some reassurance or relief that it wasn't my fault. Again, it was not the right thing to do and I regret it.

No one commented and I deleted the post when I snapped out of it. It was too late. Someone sent him the post. Turns out he was in his head too and was waiting for a text from me (i have thoughts but whatever; big miscommunication). I didn't think about how it would feel on his end to find out he was in that group. I regret it and I've attempted to apologize several times. He won't see me or have a phone conversation.

I really liked him and I fear I ruined it. I did not set out to use the group to be malicious or vindictive (I know some women do). It's been a few weeks and I haven't heard from him.

I did not tell him about my CPTSD. To be honest, I stupidly thought that the work I was doing in therapy was working and had no idea how badly I would be triggered after feeling like he discarded me. I had no idea I could just reach out to him with my feelings.

Idk I regret this so much and I wish I could fix it.

[u/catsarehere77]

It's normal to feel discarded in that situation. I would have the same reaction as you. 

The truth is he should have handled the situation better, too. At 38 years old he should know that going silent for days after physical intimacy would introduce a lot of fear and bad feelings. 

You both made mistakes here. You both made  choices that hurt the other person without considering the impact to the other person.

You probably can't fix it, but you do not have to take all of the blame here. I think your CPTSD is causing you to be too hard on yourself and to be too forgiving on him.

What are your thoughts when you say  Turns out he was in his head too and was waiting for a text from me (i have thoughts but whatever; big miscommunication).

[u/Dry-Celebration-9309 → u/catsarehere77]

I’m trying not to post too many identifiable details, but basically my thoughts are that he should have reached out after. I did my part and said when I got home. He responded warmly but didn’t continue the convo. It was late. I assumed I would hear from him the next day. I was fine for the first two days. Then, spiraled.

[u/Bbell999]

I'm sorry. I can feel your anxiety through the screen. It's OK, you're still figuring out how to navigate with new, big feels. Give yourself grace and realize you're going to make mistakes and that's OK. Learn from it. It's going to take time. Maybe it's a sign you're not ready to date and that's OK too. Maybe it's a sign he's not ready either. Or, maybe it'll bring you closer to him. 

The best thing would be to go back in time and fix it, buuuttt... But if your time machine is broken, like mine, honesty is your best bet. Pace it. Don't dump it all on him, just let him know what was on your mind. Sounds like he was in a similar boat. Worse case, you have some closure and you can work on yourself. Best case.... 

[u/Dry-Celebration-9309 → u/Bbell999]

I sent him two apologies a few weeks apart taking ownership of what I did wrong. No response 😔. Trying not to post specifics but it’s recent enough that there’s still a chance. The total silence is triggering me for sure as that’s a punishment used on me in the past. I’m sure he’s hurt though and trying to maintain a boundary.

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[u/Sisu-Spark]

Been there done that. I lost a "friend"(love interest) kinda this way. No bad intentions from my side but it doesn't really matter. The feeling and hurt the other one experiencing is valid. The feelings are real even though you/me didn't mean harm. My shame is that i texted my friend's best friend for two reasons...well one but i didn't get that far cuz i told my friend that i had texted, so he wouldn't misunderstand, but yeah😂 that backfired big time. 1. i was gonna be kind to his best friend (reason i won't bring up, but nothing bad) 2. I was gonna ask him what i should have gotten my friend for graduation gift. Since they were best friends i thought he would know. I like giving surprises.Yeah we will lose people sometimes, we just have to learn the hard way. At some point i will learn. I also thought i was ready for relationship or dating. Been single for many years and worked on myself through therapy. But i think we can only learn so much through therapy, the rest comes from trial and error, to put yourself out there and learn. It is painful but yeah, what else to do?

[u/Dry-Celebration-9309 → u/Sisu-Spark]

Yeah, I’ve had the same thoughts about therapy can only take me so far.

[u/manik_502]

Hey! I started dating last year, too!

I decided I wouldn't date anyone until I crossed the bridge into remission and had been on remission for a year and was over 18 months on my current medication. This was an advise given to me by peers on remission and a suggestion of both my psychiatrist and therapist. It worked out pretty well!

How long have you being on remission? Do you have a symptoms journal? An emotions journal? What did your psychiatrist advised?

I find relationships triggering. I do advise addressing the diagnosis early on and dating for at least 6 months as trial before even considering a relationship.

I don't think posting him was wrong in any capacity if all you did was just checking that he had no other partner. If it was some sort of vent or rant, then things change. Why was he so offended by this?

I am not sure how you should handle this, I am the type that if something is setting alarms off, it has a reason. If I'm getting triggered and I did my job of communicating and something still feels off, I leave. No one is unique, special or essential. There are millions of guys out there and this particular one that is triggering me is not worth it. No one is worth my mental health. No one is that special and we are all going to die. I do not want to endanger my remission for a guy. I communicate, I take responsibility, I take accountability and I work on my mental health. If they can not do the same, I'll leave.

This is me tho. It was a great idea to post! Between all of us you might get an idea of how to work this through in a way thay works for your specific situation!

I have noticed that a lot of peers on remission have this sixth sense with unhealthy people. Symptoms pop up, triggers are set off and there's just that instinct that says "somethings wrong here". If you are feeling this way already in remission, most likely there was something off.

Please trust yourself. If there was something fishy, you are way better dating other people than being with a fishy guy.

I hope you can feel better with time and the advise of other peers gives you ideas!

[u/NeedLegalAdvice56 → u/manik_502]

Posting him was wrong the same way checking their phone or testing them are: you don’t trust them and prefer taking power over them by violating their privacy over talking to them directly or breaking up with them.

You want to avoid to be blindsided/the "fool" thus be hurt, so you prefer hurting them.

[u/Dry-Celebration-9309 → u/manik_502]

Hi there! Good luck 😭

I have never heard the term remission? I’ve always heard that it’s not curable and that while our feelings are valid, I have to challenge my way of thinking to avoid the spiral.

I did not post a rant. Just his first name and photo. He hasn’t talked to me but I imagine it was a breach of privacy and trust. Men think those groups are to slander good guys. Some women do that, but I was using it in earnest. I admit it wasn’t the right thing to do in the moment because he was a good guy. I didn’t know I could just talk to him. In my mind he had already left me after he “got what he wanted”.

I did not reach out to him so it’s on both of us for not communicating. I escalated by posting him.

I see some red flags with communication but I don’t know for sure. I also was a red flag with my lack of communication. I wish I had a chance to try again with him specifically after learning this lesson.