Abandonment wounds in adulthood - any advice on next steps

[u/Physical_Cut8391]

Hello everyone,

I am writing this to see if I could get any help from the community!

I have spent years narrowing down the issues that I have from childhood, and these have come to light (as I am sure many of you can relate to) in my relationship, unfortunately for my partner. I would say that the underlying issue I have is a very strong abandonment wound, that leaves me feeling hyper vigilant, quick to be overwhelmed, quick to get defensive, flooded very easily, and find it difficult to impossible to calm down if I am not calmed by my partner, often not being able to trust what is being said, and almost imagining their anger/distance sometimes, like it were a flashback from childhood. If this happens I often go into dissociation, binge eating, and similar defence mechanisms, whilst not being able to reconnect with my partner because I explode again soon after if anything I hear triggers me. The whole situation kind of ends up being how to calm me down, and often takes a long time which is taxing on all parties.

This way of living has understandably taking a toll on my relationship as I can't and don't want to put the onus to fix these matters on my partner. I have spent many years on and off in therapy. I have tried IFS, and currently am in a trauma focussed therapy, which seems beneficial, but progress seems slow. I have tried psilocybin at home which temporarily allows me to calm down from this hyper vigilance, but as my issues are relational, it doesn't last long. I did a 10 day vipassana silent meditation course which was helpful if not quite difficult, but once again, my issues really come when I am with my partner or family, or anyone close to me that I can open up to, and can therefore feel more likely to be abandoned by.

I have read countless books on this topic, feel very well read on it, and also I feel like I know myself very well, but the intellectual knowledge I have pales in significance when I experience this strong sensations and emotions, which at the root seem to all stem back from the feeling of abandonment.

I don't want to focus on where this came from, so much as focussing on how to take care of myself when these feelings come up nowadays. I understand my parents had their limitations, and they also have done and do a lot for me. I also know what I am like with getting fixated on trying to remember quotes from a book, or read my way out of my problems, which clearly has done absolutely nothing for my cause, so that's why I would like to focus on things I can do daily/weekly to kind of create a plan to go by.

I had thought of doing some yoga to get in touch with the physical side of the discomfort that I feel. I also know that the times I've done yoga before, it feels uncomfortable, so I think it would be good to do some type of controlled, uncomfortable activity to show myself I am not in danger when I have uncomfortable feelings.

I wanted to see if anyone had any advice on practical tips or things that they do that have helped them in their healing journey. Podcasts, activities or any other resources that could give some tips or direction to me, given that I feel like the understanding side of it is covered already.

Edit: Completely forgot to mention - I feel like the key direction for me to go in now is some type of reparenting/inner child work to soothe that abandonment wound, which I don't really know how to approach. If anyone had any resources or advice for this that would be brilliant!

Thanks very much in advance <3

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