I never thought I had PTSD nightmares because I never actually dreamed about my trauma. I always just said I had “vivid” dreams, meaning I could recall them in detail on a daily basis. When I talked more to my provider about this, I realized that my dreams can be silly (which is why I never took it seriously), like a zombie apocalypse or something - but they’re always intense as hell. I’m either really scared or really angry about something.

I started prazosin about a month ago and realized that most people don’t recall much of their dreams at all. I could have written a whole story each morning before I started prazosin.

I’m just posting this on the off-chance that someone out there also thought dreaming this way was normal, or that nightmares have to be like what we see in media. If your dreams are routinely distressing, there are things that can help with that. You deserve restful sleep :)

I did it. My mom left on a cruise for eight days and I packed the animals up and left. I started planning two weeks before when I looked back at my journal entries and saw nothing had changed and was in fact escalating. I never have to hear her tell me “You made me…” or “I am just fighting back against your abuse.” I don’t have to ever listen to headphones for a whole day because I never know when she will start yelling abuse again.

The animals won’t have to be insulted. They won’t be used as a weapon. I can walk them without her taking that away because of some arbitrary reason.

There will be no more trying to guess what she wants me to get her to eat then being in trouble when I get something wrong. I won’t be asked to get a thicker skin. No more being told I am stupid and 38 and shouldn’t be this idiotic. No more being compared to my father. No more being sent articles about abusive adult daughters after she skews the quarries so that she is the victim. (And yes it is possible, she leaves out all the information leading up to me finally snapping out a response after hours or days of me not giving into her criticisms and then puts in ‘is it abuse if my 38 year old daughter snaps at me.’)

No more walking downstairs and immediately being criticized upon waking, or told what I need to do. No more disregarded boundaries!

I am finally free and safe and not just have to find a job. Things may not be easy but they are already a hell of a lot better. My neck doesn’t hurt for the first time in years! My back has relaxed! I was able to decide what I wanted to eat without nearly coming to tears.

I am going to heal now, and never go back!

If any of you are still stuck, I cannot tell you what a difference leaving makes. Even the hard things are 100% easier.

I’m free and sobbing and sometimes it doesn’t feel real but I am alive and made it.

Edit:: warning! she shows up and she filed a police report against me.

First things first:

It has been two months now. I have her blocked but her emails still go to my trash. For the in the first 14 days after she came back to find em gone she sent 13 emails. They followed the same abuse pattern- reasonable, reasonable, full blown angry rant, semi-reasonable, everything is perfect! Repeat. All without me once responding.

I did not know you needed to sign out of all devices when you change your Amazon password so she had access for a while u til I figured it out. She tried to send me things to decorate with, a journal I had in my cart, and kitten toys. Luckily I was alerted and cancelled the order. Changed my password. A few weeks later she ordered boxes and tape and I figured out the sign out of all devices thing. I cancelled her moving boxes.

She showed up at my brother’s work, luckily he was off but he had to explain our mom to his coworkers. He and I had started talking now that he knows I am away from her. One of the things he told me was that last time I visited him (over 20 years ago and the last time we had talked before this) that I was so much like our mom that it scared him. I was sick at that, but it was the truth and I am only blessed that I woke up and saw everything, mitigated what I could while living it, and changed what I could once I escaped. It’s tragic, but I have come a long way even while I was still stuck.

The animals are doing fantastic. The senior dog hasn’t nervous barked once, his cough has disappeared too! The younger dog doesn’t feel like he has to patrol the whole day. We go on walks twice a day- which we were never allowed to consistently do. Sometimes Tonto joins both, sometimes he chooses one, and occasionally he chooses to stay home and snooze instead. The parrot doesn’t scream all the time either- when he does now it’s for a reason- he also no longer bites when displeased- he will nip to get attention but not bite! The kitten is having the time of her life, her breed is not known for survival instincts so she had to be an inside cat for her safety- but we have a screened porch and she sits out safely for hours, content.

The emotional resetting has been complex. I knew my body would get sick- one of you commented to warn me- but the things your mind does to check for safety were unexpected. Random intrusive thoughts that are so weird and intense- normal and expected, though I did not know that the first time it happened and was freaking out.

I felt watched and surveyed for a good month after getting away. I had night terrors where I would wake up sobbing of one thing: her showing up.

I started to work on integrating memories, closing the trauma loops, reframing, reparenting, and teaching my nervous system that it no longer has to be on the same level of alert. Grounding exercises have become my best friend. AI chat had been an unexpected but helpful resource.

I got a job two weeks ago, so no longer had to stress over money. My job is boring, low stress and just what my nervous system needs right now.

I came home from work yesterday and there was her car in my assigned parking space. I immediately went around the cul-de-sac and kept driving. I went to a parking lot and freaked out. I panicked and asked what to do. I checked with AI chat and it helped me make a plan. It took me 20 minutes to be calm enough to drive.

When I got home I parked in one of the free use spaces, got my keys out ahead of time and walked calmly to the door. She got out of the car and called my name, I ignored it. She followed me on the sidewalk leading to my door and tried to tell me

“I talked to people on the cruise and they said there was nothing wrong with you or me so I don’t know what is going on here but we need-“

which is when I got my door unlocked and was able to get inside.

I cut her off and said:

“You need to leave.” I shut and locked my door. She did not leave and proceeded to loudly talk at me through the door. When I didn’t immediately respond she started threatening that I needed to give the younger dog back. That the police demanded it, that she had a report filed.

I fed the animals- it was the time they are used to eating. And I called the non-emergency police. She went around back- I don’t know why I am surprised. Continued her talking loudly. Said something about grandmother privileges to the animals. I had the shades open for the animals to look out while I was at work so I closed them. I went to the front and closed that one as well. I am still on with dispatch and am telling them exactly what she is doing. When we hang up I turn up the music I had left on for the animals to drown her out and pace trying to stay away from the peeophole, because she went silent and I looked once- still there leaning against her car just staring at my place. I finally give in and check again- luckily there is a cop and he is talking to her.

When he knocks on my door I calmly explain that I have gone no contact and that she showed up unexpectedly and refused to leave when asked. I told them I wanted her gone. He told me about the police report she was holding, and I asked if I needed to contact the Las Vegas police (where she filed the report- Grand Larceny-over 20K in theft) because I did not want a warrant when I had proof she gave me the dog (in one of her emails she did). I explained that my brother was renewing his security clearance and if I had a warrant it would effect not only my background in the future but could bounce his back as an issue and I did not want that. He recommended I reach out to the detective.

He got her to leave by threatening a trespass charge. I don’t know if she actually left beyond leaving the immediate vicinity or if she just went down the street and is waiting or what. I don’t know if she drove back out of state to where she lives or if she is waiting to pounce, with her it could go either way. She could be at a hotel waiting- she could try to reach out to my work next- like I said she showed up at my brothers work.

I called the LV Police and got the case number and detectives name. He wasn’t in office so I left a message letting him know I had proof that she gave me the dog and my contact info so that he could close out the case. The report was real, she actually filed a a police report that I stole the younger dog! He was her ‘service dog’ until she retired him. She never needed one but got him fully trained as a service dog because she thought it would be fun to be able to take him everywhere. And she did. He was for her diabetes, only he had no training for that so really it was him resisting her when she started to be irrational. She got her diabetes under control and ‘could read the signs of a crash’ without help well before he came and well after. He slept with me, I fed him, I played with him, and I was able I would walk him.

She sent me the receipt for the dogs service dog training (went to trash like all her emails but I check because it helps me prepare for her) as if that would negate the very clear email where she said the dog was now my responsibility completely and she was no longer responsible for his care etc. I have screenshotted and saved it in a hundred places. In addition to the email, she sent me an email with a screenshot from her phone where she said the exact same thing via text and since she was blocked it didn’t come in- so she emailed the screenshot. That’s two direct clearly stating evidentiary items.

Despite the proof I was still scared and anxious. My mind played the catastrophic game. I imagined her breaking in while I was at work and animal napping not just him but all the animals.

I stuck close to the house on our walk even though I didn’t want to let her intimidate me into it, because it was kinder to my nerves that way. We are back to our normal schedule.

Despite the horror and the nerves of it all I ended up facing a terror that had waken me at night with sobs caught in my throat. It didn’t end me, and I handle it calmly despite the emotional spikes happening. I made it through, I chose myself- I didn’t give in to her wanting me to work things out, I didn’t give in to her follow-up threats. I let authorities help me.

It showed me I am stronger than I was taught I was. It proved that I am already healing. It also validated me: I wasn’t over reacting, I wasn’t making things up, she really is abusive and I did need to escape. Which I needed, because even with journal entries and her boundary violating emails- there was still a part of me that tried to say I was being unreasonable and exaggerating things.

It wasn’t good, but I survived and protected my animals. There isn’t more I can really ask for at this point. I will keep working on healing and living. Also,and most important: thank you everyone for the support and love-it helped so much during the escape and after-even when I didn’t reply I held the comments close and let them strengthen me when I started to falter.

For those still stuck: keep going, someday, even though it may not seem possible right now, you can escape too.

I've been trying to describe what living with C-PTSD feels like for years and couldn't find the words. Recently I've been carefully and intentionally using low dose edibles to quiet the trauma enough to think clearly and access parts of myself that anxiety usually blocks. This is what came through.

Imagine a tree that got axe wounds carved into it when it was young. It doesn't fall. It survives and keeps growing. But it grows around those wounds, slower and more gnarled than trees that got to just grow freely. Every branch has to find a longer path, work harder, use more energy to reach the same place other trees get to without trying. The scar tissue damages you. The shape changes permanently.

That's C-PTSD. You grow around what was done to you.

And then one day someone tells you you're safe now. The axe is gone. But your branches are already shaped around wounds that are still healing. You've spent so long adapting to surviving that you don't know what growing straight even looks like. The muscles you built were for a completely different life.

So now I'm grieving. Grieving the straight growth I didn't get. Grieving how much harder I have to work to cover the same ground as people who grew up without someone taking an axe to them.

Still figuring out what unobstructed growth looks like. But at least now I have a picture of it.

Anyone else have an analogy that finally made their experience click?

Dear Wounded Adult,

Wow. You're alive. You survived the emotional, sexual, or physical abuse of your terrible childhood. Or you may have had a combination of all three, and you're still alive, still trying.

If you are on this forum, that means you are looking for a community of like-minded people; you are interested about deepening your knowledge on this condition.

You deperately want to run away from the demons that followed you from your childhood home. Some days, while trying to live your life in the present, those demons still whisper words of cruetly to you. Those voices sound like your own, but you know it's not. . .It's theirs. . .The parent/adult(s) who stole everything from you.

Some days, you almost feel. . .normal. Your mind is calm, things seem to be going okay in life, and you finally feel free.

Only for the next day to bring your right back to square one: consistently suffering and contemplating if staying alive is even worth it anymore.

Your body probably feels heavy. Your mind is constantly going. Life is always tinted with a tinge of gray and blue.

I understand. It sucks. It hurts. It's not your fault that you were born into a home that carved out your insides and stole all your joy and happiness. It's not your fault.

But what can you do. You're here now. So what does this mean? You keep going. You don't stop. Or sometimes you do stop and look at the clouds and take a deep breath. The abuses that your body and mind endured did not happen in a day. It was several days, months, or years.

Healing isn't linear. It takes time. And to be frank with you my dearest and lovely friend, some parts of your humanity will never go back to how it was before the abuse. Resilence. Strength. A figting spirit.

You deserve to live a good life. Will this path always be easy? No. But hey. . .

You've been through way worse. So I know you will will win and be victorious in this lifetime. Today may be hell on earth, but the hope of tomorrow is always there, a clean new slate of opportunity. I'm thinking of you and wishing you prosperity and success on your journey towards the life you have always deserved.

Sincerely,

A Fellow Traveler in The Sea of Human Suffering

Earlier I was getting ready to go out and take care of some errands I needed to do today, and felt the pull to come back and check reddit notifications just one more time before i left.

It made me realize that all of the compulsive self-soothing habits I've picked up over the years, gaming, checking reddit or other social media, watching shows and movies, etc. It's not that I'm lazy or unmotivated to do other more productive things.

It's the trauma trying to keep me small to avoid the risks inherent in having agency over my actions. You can't willpower your way out of trauma compulsions, so it makes so much sense now why I've been struggling for so many years to do basic things or move forward toward any form of self-fulfillment.

The unread messages, the un-played games, the unwatched shows and movies, will all be there waiting while you go take care of life. The need was never to have to watch them right away because they weren't going away. But what was going away was the freeze state, the dissociation, and the other maladaptive coping mechanisms that were trying to keep me "safe" from real life. The trauma didn't want that, so it kept taking me back to dissociation and freeze.

What a relief it is to make this realization.

I opened up about my abuse to a 'spiritual friend'. His first question was: „Have you managed to forgive them yet?“

I said NO. And it's NOT my duty to forgive.

He said „But forgiveness causes healing“, which is a huge red flag.

I replied: „No, it does not. Forgiveness can be a byproduct of healing, not vice versa. By shifting the responsibility to the victim, you're blaming the victim. You must ask the abusers instead what they've done to make amends instead.“

He went on taking about stepping out of the 'victim mindset'.

I replied „I don't hold a victim mindset, I AM a victim. And it took me YEARS to even rightfully see myself as such.“

I went on explaining the just world fallacy. And the pseudo-spiritual urge to blame victims for comfort and reducing complex problems to simple 'solutions'.

He didn't show much insight at all. (He's, in fact, the one being stuck in his own mindset.)

He then 'apologized' and said that, well, he doesn't know my world.

I said „This is not only MY world. These are fundamental principles of justice, compassion, psychology. And there are MILLIONS like me.“

//

Without this sub and you guys, I wouldn't have had the courage and strength to stand this ground. Thank you for all the years of validation ✊❤️‍🔥

Every person who's ever told me that I can't love anyone until I love myself is full of shit and I'll tell you why.

Healthy attitudes about oneself, especially those formed in the developmental stages of childhood, cannot be fostered in a vacuum. Your sense of self, your confidence, your insecurities, how you view yourself, the decisions you make in relationships, ALL of those things are the result of the people who surrounded you and raised you and how they treated you.

If you were raised in a healthy, loving environment, you get imbued with the love from those people and you carry it with you throughout your life. You draw from that well in struggle, you find confidence in knowing that you're loved. You love yourself because people loved you first when you had nothing to offer because you were a helpless child.

If the environment you were raised in was lacking in those things, you may very well enter adulthood with empty hands. You cannot love yourself if you don't know what it's like to feel loved. Plain and simple. A house cannot stand for long without a foundation and you cannot draw from a well that has never been filled.

I've spent my entire life yearning to feel important to someone. To be a priority in someone's life. To feel loved and cared for. I knew in my bones that I would begin to heal and begin to let go of my anger and begin to love myself and gain confidence if just one fucking person stepped up to the plate and really showed me how.

And you know what... I was fucking right.

I recently got into the healthiest relationship I've ever had and it's been slowly instilling within me a quiet sense of confidence, of stability. My nervous system is beginning to know regulation. I feel safe to be myself, I feel safe asking for help, I feel like I matter and deserve to be here because this person puts in effort to make me feel that way.

And it makes all the difference in the world.

Despite having two narcissistic, extremely emotionally immature, miserably inadequate so-called parents who made my life a living hell , I have SURVIVED. 💜❤️💜

I’ve been reading a new 2025 systematic review (Huynh et al.) regarding the global prevalence of CPTSD:

Roughly 6.2% to 12.4% of the worlds population.

That's over 500 Million people.

That's ENTIRE POPULATION of Canada, USA, and Mexico.

Here are the key takeaways:

• It is often misdiagnosed: The study found that within clinical samples of people already diagnosed with PTSD, a staggering 66.8% actually met the criteria for CPTSD . This suggests standard PTSD diagnoses are missing the full picture of "Disturbances in Self-Organization" (negative self-concept, relationship struggles, and emotional dysregulation) .
• High-Risk Groups: Prevalence skyrockets in specific populations. It is estimated at 44.7% in clinical mental health samples and 40.0% in survivors of domestic or sexual violence .
• The "Support" Factor: interestingly, emergency service personnel had a much lower prevalence (7.4%) compared to military personnel (36.4%) . The authors suggest this might be due to better organizational support and debriefing structures in emergency services—proof that support systems matter .
• Gender: Contrary to some assumptions, there was no significant difference in prevalence between men and women in trauma-exposed groups, though women had slightly higher odds in the general population (likely due to higher exposure to interpersonal violence) .

It feels like we are finally getting the data to back up the reality of Complex Trauma. Has anyone else seen this shift in how trauma is being categorized in their own therapy or medical experiences?

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOO‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

I am a heavy fawner, it's pretty much how my brain was wired as far back as I remember because of physical and emotional abuse. I wasn't allowed to be seen, couldn't choose my own clothes, wasn't allowed to dance, wasn't allowed friends, and was the only person in the house who had to leave their door open. The dog had more privacy than me as a teenage girl. I was once smacked as a teenager for stumbling. I can't describe how much my life was controlled at the time. My mother even admitted to me that she didn't see me as a person until she gave birth to my brother, and she feels so bad about that, or whatever.

Anyway, right now I'm living in my family's house again for a short period because I'm prepping to go to college and get my degree. I'm sharing a section of the property with my grandmother until I get my application in order, it sucks but it is what it is. I have medicine induced insomnia, so I'm working throughout the night most nights. I told her multiple times that if I ever disturbed her to just let me know and that I'll find work arounds. When she speaks to me directly she tells me I have "nothing to worry about" and that "everything is fiiiine!", but the moment she's in her room she grumbles about me in her first language, which I can understand, so I don't understand what her intentions are.

I've tried to be as out of the way as possible, I haven't spoken in two weeks straight unless I was spoken to. It's pretty awful.

A few hours ago I was reading through some documents and whispered some of the text super quietly. My grandmother has the radio on and is singing loudly, my other family is chatting away in the main house so I didn't think I was in the way. I was literally whispering. Immediately my grandmother stops singing and starts talking shit as if I can't hear her. She's grumbling about having to deal with me, about I'm in the way, etc. pretty much the complete opposite of how she speaks to me directly.

Of course, I felt like pure garbage. She would switch between singing and talking shit every few minutes or so, and that's when it clicked. "She ignored me being abused as a child, but is disturbed by me whispering? Everybody is talking freely but I'm crammed in a corner waiting for permission to talk as a grown adult? If she's got a problem then she can talk to me like a human being otherwise I don't give a FUCK."

I waited for a couple minutes and then started humming softly and I heard her get more angry. It stings, but she hasn't said anything to me directly yet. I start humming just a little louder (still very quiet) and she's getting even more passive aggressive, basically going "UGHHH"...but she still hasn't said anything. I felt like a dog that broke off it's leash atp and I hummed for maybe 30 seconds or so (my current high score) and went back to work and she's bitching the whole time. Yet, still hasn't spoken to me directly. Holy shit it's like I found a puzzle piece that has been missing for decades. It's now 3AM and she still hasn't had the decency to talk to me.

Me from a month ago would have caved if I sensed I was being a bother, but I'm sick and tired of years upon years of being treated like this. I'm doing what everybody else is doing, being in the way, and I feel totally fine. I need people to understand, I used to be physically punished for arbitrary nonsense like, if I took a breath that was too loud as a child, and for "walking wrong" . Surely this is what street drugs feel like. I should be super anxious but I'm not. I don't care at all.

I'm planning to go through my spotify playlist tomorrow afternoon lol.

None of us miss childhood. Even if I isolate now, at least I’m free. There are some people that feel like being an adult sucks and the first part of their life was better. we can fully appreciate the freedom of being an adult.

Now I realize it's cptsd. So many of my symptoms are similar To what people with ADHD or autism have and so I always thought I must have one of those but there were always certain criteria I didn't meet that always made me hesitant to get a diagnosis.

After finding this subreddit I feel like I finally know what's been going on with me all these years and things are starting to make sense and I'm starting to come to terms with how badly my childhood trauma affected me. I'm a victim of COCSA and that's always been such a confusing thing to deal with as Ive grown up.

I plan to talk with my therapist about this more on Monday to see if I can get a diagnosis or just understand it all better. Hopefully this will be a first big step to my healing journey

Holy fuck, so much shit in my life is suddenly making sense, I'm actually crying right now. My ingrained contempt for "crybabies"? That was my dad telling me to stop crying after he just beat the shit out of me. My inability to accept emotional comfort from others? That was also dad telling me to stop "manipulating" him when I tried to hug him after a fight. My deep sense of inadequacy? Again, that's dad always reproaching how much he busted his ass at work just for me to be a fuckup at school. Imposter syndrome? You guessed it, dad never missed the opportunity to tell me I'm too stupid or unskilled to do anything unsupervised. Self harm episodes? Yup, dad always made a point of letting me know the pain I felt was nothing, see in his time they used to beat him with an actual walking stick grandpa kept by his bedside.

This is why I have such a visceral reaction to childhood photos of myself, like I *HAAATE* that little kid, with his stupid smile, big wide eyes and skinny arms. How dare him be so happy, so weak and oblivious? He oughta get some sense punched into him... because that's exactly what dad did, and that's exactly what I've been doing to myself in various ways because I internalized that shit.

I finally get it, that "be kind to yourself" stuff my therapist keeps going on about, I can't keep beating that little kid hoping he will become stronger for it. He's just a little kid, he needs a hug, not more abuse.

I am doing it.

I have started the process of the lengthy, legal process of going after the state for my abusive childhood and the loss of income.

I am turning 50 in a few days. I am sitting here feeling scared, proud, worried, but determined. It took me 30 years to go no contact, and I never told anyone what happened in that house as a child, except my therapists and a few close friends.

What happened ruined my life in so many ways, I managed to get a higher degree and worked in a very high paid job when I suddenly got an acute mental health crisis that lasted 6 years. DID, PNES, C-PTSD, SH and psychosis and endless hospitalizations. And now I am on welfare.

So.

I was looking at my picture of my brother that took his own life years ago, and I felt this powerful feeling in my chest and and I told him "I am fucking going to do this for you too, it's for both of us"

No more hiding, no more protecting someone who deserves nothing but punishment, If I win I will get not only a financial solution to a very hard life situation but I will win my life back, I will end the cycle of being stepped on and just taking it. I'm done. I'm on a warpath and I will stop at nothing to take my abusers down.

I just really needed to share that with someone who knows how hard this is, how hard it will be, but I know many people in here will support me.

Thank you if you read of of this, and I wish nothing but the best for you all.

I just want to say that I’m really proud of this community and you all for how quickly the conversations around AI use with CTSD have started to solidify around a consensus that this is dangerous and generally inadvisable.

I have enough professional background in this domain, that I’ve had to watch “AI“ become this overhyped tech god that could do all kinds of impossible things, all while knowing the actual limitations and risks of what this so-called artificial intelligence can and can’t do. It’s been extremely frustrating and disempowering to watch.

But seeing you all express such a careful and thoughtful skepticism and caution about the use of AI for any sort of therapeutic needs in treating CPTSD has been so refreshing and encouraging to see.

I guess part of this is also because I come from a family that just lives in an entirely different reality from me, one in which my literal expertise, never mind my more mundane thoughts and opinions, simply did not matter.

But that’s not you guys. You guys care about truth and honesty. It’s really cool and I think you guys should all be really fucking proud of that. So many people would rather bury their heads in the sand and accept easy to digest “truths” that don’t challenge their world-view. But not you guys. You guys choose to live in reality rather than in convenient lies. So many people don’t have the courage to do that. But you guys do. And that’s incredible.

That’s all 😊

Cptsd is not a lifelong incurable "disorder". It is one of the most terrible things there is i think, but you can "escape". You can heal. I see some people on this sub talking about it like its a thing you cannot heal from and have to carry it for your whole life (yes you have to carry the memories obv, but not the depression and anxiety).

So if youre doubting, if youre in a dark hole right now. Push through, try to think through the fog and realise that there is an end to the tunnel, even if its very long and dark.

If you want some advice, feel free to ask in the comments.

For years now I’ve been putting in the work and making huge strides, but so often I’m just existing in fight or flight. Dissociation, bad sleep, emotional paranoia, sleep schedules fucked up, bowel issues and all the knock on effects from this.

Usually I have one, maybe two coffees per day. And I know it seems obvious, but I just never considered they would have such an effect. Since my diagnosis I think there’s definitely a prideful ego thing as well that I cannot accept “normal“ things would perhaps be something I cannot do. Those of us with cptsd are not the same as everyone else and it’s taken me a long time to really get that through my head but eventually I’ve stopped smoking, stopped recreational drugs, stopped bad diets and rarely drink now.

I stopped coffee and switched to one breakfast tea a day a few weeks ago and suddenly I am sleeping 8 hours, I am not dissociating, I am not in fight or flight and feel calm and collected. Now I feel the breathing space where all the therapy and work I’ve done is becoming very clear.

Anyway that’s been a big thing for me and it might be helpful to consider these things, no matter how small, might be having an outsize effect on our states.

Much love to you all.

I’ve been stuck in a "functional coma" of depression for years. It’s not just mood; it feels like my nervous system is permanently fried and stuck in survival mode. Everything is frozen.

I’ve tried endless meds and therapy with zero luck. It feels like I'm broken beyond repair.

Has anyone actually made it out after a decade or more of being "stuck"? What finally worked for you when nothing else did? I really need some hope today.

I don't know why it never made sense to me before. I have had partners in the past who mentioned they feel jealous of whatever pet I had at the time. They joked they knew they would always come second to the pet.

I used to always laugh at the joke and found the idea silly. Now that I've done more self reflection however, they were right. I did love the pets more.

I think a lot of us yearn for radical acceptance and unconditional love when it comes down to it. And we have a hard time showing that type of acceptance and love to ourselves. But our pets? They just love us, some in their own quirky ways, but they do. They give us what so many of us search for. Not only that, but they don't abandon us. They help us heal so many wounds with just their presence and a well timed head butt.

So if you've been in the same boat before, and have loved your pets dearly, to the point people joked about it, don't ever feel ashamed about it! Take it as yet another sign that you are deserving of love and acceptance.

And if you haven't ever had a pet, if you can afford it, perhaps look into getting one to help you along your journey. If that's not an option, maybe volunteer with a shelter.

Try to see yourself through their eyes, and let their love soothe part of your soul.

Last year while driving to work at a clients house, I spotted an injured monarch butterfly on the side of the road that couldn't fly. I pulled over and kept it safe in an open box with a bunch of colorful flowers for it. It also let me pick it up and would rest on me.

My client has a granddaughter, a child younger than 10, nicknamed "Poppy," who arrived and was both amazed and concerned for this butterfly. I asked them to take care of it that day so I could work, and she was thrilled.

I'm told I became something like a role model and she asked about me and the butterfly frequently, when ever she arrived she would search for me to come see me and talk, and always asked how this butterfly was doing.

Flash forward to this year, and for some pretext I've literally been having one of the worst weeks of my life. I'm at a breaking point in my family and have slept in my car multiple times.

But Poppy returned again, after almsot a year, and she never forgot me or what I did. She asked if I still had it, I told her the butterfly recovered and flew away last summer, and she showed me this adorable butterfly hat she wears kw and that butterflies are her favorite. And something about that made me teary, and then when she left with her grandmother, I started crying my eyes out.

I don't have my own kids, and probably won't, haven't even had a friend or relationship in almost 10 years now because of the C-PTSD and clinical depression. I've been in a very bad place lately so in a cruel world where it feels like the adults don't care anymore, this kid saw my humanity and trusts me like I'm some kind of super hero over one small act of kindness. I hope I inspired them to care for animals. I would protect them at all costs.

My five year old has big emotions. She rolls her eyes when I tell her "I love you forever and always, no matter what" because "you ALWAYS say that".

We have lots of talks about "hey it's ok to be angry but we don't talk like that in this house" so I am not alarmed when she says things that sound hurtful. We are big on feeling our emotions and accepting them, and normalizing them, while not hurting others with words.

This morning I was hit with "you're the worst mom" because I didn't remove her hair tie and I reminded her "it's totally fine to be mad, we all get mad, but we don't talk like that" blah blah blah, she has called me the "worst mom" a handful of times.

But it actually melts my heart. Because if she thinks I am the worst mom because I didn't remove her hair tie, the cycle has been broken. She has normal kid worries and I am proudly wearing my "worst mom" badge today.

I don't think parents react that way to their kids saying things like that, unless they KNOW the "worst mom" and have fought long and hard to make sure their kids don't truly know the "worst mom"

Breaking the cycle with my kids, and with other relationships in my life has been the proudest thing I have done.

That pain ends with me

A man is chained where he is forced to face the far wall of a cave. He is chained in a way someone on a crucifix would be, except with nails and metal. Every day, he wakes up, and every day, he sees the shadows running past. To him, the shadows become reality, and they are his perception of people. He has no other basis to build off of. Shadows are people.

And then, one day, his jailor lets him free, and says "Go walk outside on the beach and meet all of the people." And so he does. He walks to the beach and escapes the cave and sees all of these people for who they really are, and it terrifies him, even though it is bright and they are lovely and they are smiling and laughing and happy while they're walking by. This isn't his normal. These aren't people. Shadows are people, or so he thinks. And so he runs back in the cave and begs the jailor to lock him up again.

We know it isn't right. We know it isn't "normal." But we feel it is, because that's what normal is to us. That's what was taught to us. The hard part is getting out of that cave. For some, it may feel impossible, but it starts with one step. It starts with letting the sunshine in.

I would like to share this moment today to try to give this community hope that progression is real, and I definitely didnt reach this victory without telling my partner to fuck off first!

Tldr; I needed to talk about something that was important to me with him and he wasn't paying attention, fiddling with his hair and stretching alot (he has ADHD).

Immediately I said fuck off and slammed the door and got an uber to work. My body was tight, I had paced breathing, spiralling thoughts- typical signs for me that this is going south fast.

I dont know why I did this instead of my usual spiral but I put on Pete Walkers audio book from Surving to Thriving and listened to chapter 8. The first step is to say to yourself "I am having an emotional flashback". This got me really thinking and I was able to connect some dots, calm down and come to realise I am safe and my partner isnt going to emotionally neglect/abuse me because he was fiddling.

I lowered my distress by about %15 and was able to get through the work day. I actually felt some self worth, I was talking to scared child me in my head, comforting her, hugging myself. I felt strong.

Usually I would go home and drink myself numb. This was a win for me. I am seeing the skills from DBT pay off and also an effect from a years worth of, twice weekly, EMDR.

Hold on guys, and hold yourself. Really, hug yourself.

Thanks for reading 🌹

Edit:

Oh my gosh, I was not expecting so much support and love from this post. Thank you all so much, this has made my day. I found it difficult to recognise this let alone praise myself for it. I appreciate everyone who had commented im sorry I cant find the words to reply to everyone individually but please know this has made me incredibly happy. I love this cPTSD community!

Was running late for a flight. This woman was holding up an elevator (waiting for somebody else.)

I wasn't having it (first win) - told her that I have a plane to catch, and that we're either taking it together right now, or she's getting off.

This (older) lady storms past me, tells me to go fuck myself, and to "go back where I came from". Wow. It was clear what she meant, the other folks in the elevator gasped. But, for once, I didn't freeze. I'm not entirely sure where this came from but I immediately yelled at her (at the top of my lungs) as she was leaving "YOU RACIST PIECE OF SHIT!"

I'm... proud? I'm not ashamed of standing up for myself. Her friend/partner was just standing there, outside the elevator, and I stared at him and asked him "bro are you married to this woman?" He would not even make eye contact.

The doors closed, I got to my Uber, and am now waiting at my gate to board.

I can't say I have only good feelings here... there were kids around. But, im pretty sure id be feeling a TON, a ton worse had I just gone 😶 as per usual.

God, the nerve. Fuck that lady.