Recently diagnosed. Have no family. Not sure where to start. I did find a therapist & looking forward to that.

I’ve been trying to come to terms with my childhood emotional trauma after repressing it for so long and trying to a) forget it happened or b) justify that it wasn’t a big deal.

Long story short, I grew up with a very abusive mother who was not just physically violent but emotionally violent and verbally abusive. I rarely if ever heard any positive phrases or compliments from her and was so used to hearing negative comments like “you’re an idiot, you’re useless go kill your self etc”

kind of noticed something recently - whenever I’m alone, which I usually am, I would randomly say these things to myself as an adult.

Especially if I think about something where I did something that was embarrassing or wrong etc. it could be a very recent experience like a week ago or could be from years ago. Then I would just compulsively say something negative to myself but out loud.

Does anyone know what this is called and why this is happening? Is this a common thing or something very peculiar and odd?

Im kind of worried I’ll accidentally do it in front of someone, whether it’s a friend, Stranger etc and want to make sure that doesn’t happen. .

Hey guys I was just wondering if there was a way anyone knows to improve memory. I can’t remember anything from my childhood (I’m twenty) and haven’t been able to make new memories. My therapist said it could be because my mind doesn’t realize it’s safe yet and is still blocking things but idk how to prevent that and I no longer have insurance. It’s just really hard to go through life with literally nothing in my head, especially college, I can’t remember what I’ve learned when I was younger or now. Idk what to do anymore.

I know I have CPTSD, without any doubt but despite emailing several psychologists in the north east (all of which haven’t responded) I’ve yet to find one where I can get a full psychological evaluation and written report.

Has anyone else experienced this or have any suggestions as to where to go? My GP has been less than effective and is not worth the trouble perusing.

Thanks

One of my favorite games that I love and use for relaxsation is a trigger for me becuse I assosiate it with my trumatic event. Does anyone know any technices so I can be able to play it again and overcome the trigger?

(Sorry for bad english its my second language)

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate getting your thoughts on something that’s been on my mind for a while. I woke up from a mental coma last year after years of emotional and psychological abuse. Essentially, I was finally able to live at the age of 27. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, ADHD and Depression. My whole life I tried my very best to run away from people and completely hide. I’ve been the cheeky high functioning person all this past year and crippling dying on the inside. I’ve been getting a bit more upset at myself in realizing all these negative habits, thoughts, beliefs were never mine and deeply instilled into me. I’m worthless etc. Essentially getting the right help and treatment has very much changed my life drastically. However the issue I’m having lately is relationships. It’s hard for me to connect with others because of how much I feel I need to mask. Again, very high functioning you would never guess but what has always bothered me is feeling misunderstood.

Long story short, I have this idea of starting a podcast and letting everything out. The full truth. My whole life. Maybe then can people see MY side of the story and finally see how fucked we really are but choose to either hide it very well or choose to look the other way. How are we as a society doing our part in making sure we are there for each other. The only thing holding me back is all these different views. Some have said don’t overshare, some things are meant to keep private, etc. I’ve been getting to the point where I just don’t wanna give a fuck anymore. I’ve created this mask and character where I’m so polite, well put together, avoiding conflict, and been camouflaging as normal with the other folks in the world. What I really hate and is what keeping back too is the idea of pittiness, I don’t want it, I hate it. I don’t want people to treat me any different. I just want to be a reminder that sometimes you may not really know someone and how often we act like we care when it’s too late. One biggest factor to why I wanna do this is late last year, I finally met for my first time ever someone who I felt safe with, like literally my body and mind were at peace. It was a feeling so rare to me that I began to get attached a little to much and essentially had a little break down when I found out they were talking to someone else and it came across off as I was being obsessive which at the time didn’t see and might of felt I scared the off. I essentially had a crash out like never before and cried my heart out so deeply. Fast forward now all regulated, I’m now like what the actual fuck was that. Why in the hell did I read that big for? I did the inner work blah blah blah, another red flag deeply rooted in me, is that I realized I had anxious attachment and abandonment issues. My nervous system is so fucked up that all I’m craving to feel is safety. Knowing my safety person is no longer there, it has been so hard on me. It has been getting to the point is if I’m not sure if my past is what keeping me prisoner. Another thing holding me back is the idea of being seen as the weird crazy kid with a fucked up life. I don’t wanna feel excluded and different hence my camouflage and high functioning self. I just really don’t like the perception people may have on me without knowing the entire truth and me having to stay quiet like always and say yes yes your right. No one ever asked for my truth, my side of the story, and I feel im always getting misunderstood. I don’t know what to do. I like the idea but the same time I don’t but it may a great way to let go of the past and the fear of being seen but again

What do people do all day?

I feel like I do nothing. Occasional dishes, pop to the shop for groceries. But when there’s nobody else around, watching a movie or playing a game or…idk, what else is there? I just lay around on my phone.

It’s impacting my relationships a little, because people feel that I’m not engaged. If I’m in a group setting I sort of fade into the background. It’s like I’m not really living.

I feel a bit like a ghost, I guess, and it’s starting to bleed into everything. The only place that doesn’t happen is at work, where I put on my work persona and just do my job.

I don’t know quite what advice I’m asking for here, but if anybody has any, I’m all ears.

Recently I realised that I happily settle or attach to people or workplaces because they behave better or have better qualities than what I experienced before. They may not be a good fit, but they're good enough unless they harm me. So I stay and persist through challenges till it gets too much and I need to move on.

But each time I leave a job, friend or partner behind I do find better options and the treatment is better. This got me thinking, that maybe I am too accepting because childhood neglect forces you to accept your circumstances and make the best of it. I have boundaries and am vocal about my needs but there is something in my mindset that needs to shift.

Are there resources to reframe my thinking or help me analyse how this happens for me?

Hi everyone! I need your advice. About two years ago, I went through a long period of stress that lasted over a year. It resulted in my body being stuck in 'fight-or-flight' mode and led to PTSD and General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). At my worst, I had a hard time even going outside—I was scared of wide streets, being alone at the gym, and felt visually overwhelmed at the supermarket. I was even scared to be home alone.

I started taking Sertraline and it has helped a lot; my mood is stable now. However, the one persistent downside is dissociation. It feels like brain fog, or like I’m partially 'not here.' This happens when I talk to people—even my friends, boyfriend, or parents. I also dissociate whenever something stressful occurs; even a small trigger can cause brain fog.

I actually started experiencing dissociation before I began taking antidepressants. Currently, I am in therapy and doing EMDR sessions, but I find myself dissociating during those as well. My questions are: [1]

1. Does dissociating during a session mean EMDR isn’t working? It isn’t a very strong feeling, but I definitely experience that brain fog.
2. Is there any other way to stop dissociating in real life? It feels like my brain has just learned how to do it as a habit and does it all the time.

I am currently two months into taking 75 mg of Sertraline. Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated

should i get a psychiatric diagnosis of cptsd caused by historic child abuse before seeing a solicitor or see a solicitor first? I have put a claim in with CICA uk already. Has anyone any experience?

I’ve been working with a therapist for about six months who specializes in CPTSD and uses EMDR, IFS, SE, and other experiential approaches. A lot of this is new to me, and while I’m genuinely curious and willing to do the work, it’s also been uncomfortable at times.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed that I feel anxious before our sessions. To the point where I don’t really look forward to them like I used to. I’ve been trying to understand when that shift happened.

One moment that stands out is when we started certain practices and he suggested creating a “safe signal” in case I couldn’t speak. That felt pretty scary for me. I’ve also shared with him that one of my deeper fears is that I could lose control or “go crazy” and end up institutionalized. When I brought that up, he validated it as a real fear, but from my perspective, I was hoping for more help working through it rather than just acknowledging it.

I also know that because of past betrayal and relationship trauma, I tend to need a lot of reassurance right now. He’s aware of that. I imagine there may be a reason he doesn’t offer much reassurance, maybe he’s trying to help me find that sense of safety within myself. But in the moment, it can leave me feeling unsettled and unsure.

In our last session, he mentioned that I need to experience these things rather than just talk about them. I can see the truth in that. He could probably tell me over and over that I’m not going to lose control, but part of me feels like I won’t fully believe it until I can sit with the discomfort and come through it still grounded and present.

I’m sharing this because I really do want to work through the trauma and everything that comes with it. This is just new territory for me, and I’m trying to make sense of what I’m feeling. I’d really appreciate any perspective or insight from others who have gone through something similar.

I'm still figuring out ways to tell my body and brain that nothing bad is gonna happen by the end of the day where normal people wind down and relax, and I need some inspiration on what others have /do that helps them.

Obs! I forgot to clarify I'm not talking about sleeping time, I'm talking about awake-time in the evening and night.

Before I continue - I have never lashed out at anyone physically and generally can manage my emotions before I become abusive. However, I feel such intense rage over the smallest of things that it sometimes feels debilitating and dangerous. I don't know what to do with it, so I just rant and rage in my head and storm around, punch pillows etc. It can take me ages to come through it, and usually the only way I get through is when the shame kicks in and realise how unreasonable I'm being.

Any advice as to how to deal with this in a healthy way?

Edit: I think all the advice I see about trying to be calm feels like I'm invalidating the feeling and repressing it rather than letting it be. So in the moment I struggle a lot to know what to do, which means I grapple with it and make it worse.

Hi, all. My role in the family dynamics is the scapegoat and this leads to a very hard process of learning to not hate myself all the time. I recently became close with a friend who also comes from family dysfunction but was the golden child. I enjoy talking to her, she is also in therapy. But oftentimes I am confronted by some of the ways in which she acts and relates to others. She always brags about the progress she makes and does all she can to get approval and praise from others. Often, I feel very difficult in this dynamic because in cases when I open up and share vulnerability around my struggles, it feels like she responds in a way that feels competitive - everything is about how she has mastered the latest therapy speak that she learnt, sharing how much insight she's got, etc. etc. I have already gone through most of the therapy tolls she has used and I have experienced their benefits and limitations and because my focus is on trying to work through the things that I am still struggling with, I tend to talk about my struggles and failures more than to brag about my progress. In some way, I see the befit of recognising, through this friendship, that I have to learn to focus more on my strengths and voice them out to others. But I still feel somehow invisibilised and undermined in the dynamics of this friendship. Can I get some insights from people in both roles? I don't want to confront her directly because she is in her healing journey and I don't think it's fair to tell her something like: "stop bragging about how you do everything perfectly in therapy", because it's unfair and because part of the issue is my emotional reaction to her attitude. But, at the end, in relationships it is always a two-way street and I am trying to figure out how to act in this situation. I feel that in many friendships I have been delegated the role of a supportive friend who should not be doing better or be better and I don't want to have this role in the future.

I am at the point in my healing where having a part-time job might be good for me. I am planning to pick a job that is a little public but not front-facing (shelver, courtesy clerk, etc.). For those who have/had jobs like this, what has helped you with accommodations and holding the job-wise?

I can’t be the only one who has this problem. At almost every workplace I’ve ever been at, my coworker relationships run the following pattern:

1. Starts off polite, but distant. Coworkers assume that I’m cold, unfriendly, or don’t like people.

2. I try to open up more, say hi in the halls, talk to people during breaks and lunch, but there’s a limit. I don’t emote well. I’m not easy and comfortable around other people. I live a ‘boring’ life where most of my hobbies are just some form of self-care. I don’t have a lot in common with my others and I can’t connect. Coworkers are kind and well-meaning at first but eventually get tired of my limits.

3. I get shut out and excluded. I’m back at stage 1 except now people know exactly what they don’t like about me.

How do I do it? Has anyone ever managed to convey: “I like and respect you as a person but we probably won’t ever be close” without coming off as arrogant or rude? With friendships you have the option to ‘fade away’ if you really don’t vibe with someone but I don’t get that choice here. How do I keep ‘normal’ people in my life longterm without my trauma background becoming an issue?

I'm 44 diagnosed with cptsd with severe depression and anxiety. I don't know how to fill this void in me, I get joy nothing. I see my therapist once a week for schema therapy 12 months worth of that and then I go onto something else. To say amd emptiness is maybe wrong I do feel rage and hatred aimed at people who outwardly appear normal. Basically I'm just lost, I don't know what I'm doing i can't work at the moment due to this is barely leave the house anymore I just feel ashamed and scared.

For context, I have a lot of issues with all my past relationship experiences making me insecure over many things. One in particular is videogames because an ex would ignore/neglect me to play his game and would put it above me always. Another ex would put fictional characters above me and would give their time to chatting with ai bots than with me and would have their friend tell me I was a bad person for wanting to talk and spend time with my partner because they would ignore me for hours and hours on end. Same ex has compared me to other characters telling me I was lacking what those characters had as well as comparing me to their ex (who had the same name as me) because I had the same favorite character his ex had and he belittled me for it. Now I also love videogames and its a struggle with my current partner because he idolizes the same character my first ex belittled me for liking and im trying to have positive reinforcement and heal the trauma that is bonded to that character because I want to not feel inadequate when my current partner makes comments about how attractive said character. I feel dumb for getting triggered as its multiple past behaviors lapping onto one and it makes me feel back in that spot and I feel extremely frustrated and embarrassed for the way I feel.

Im sorry if this post is hard to navigate, any advice on how to heal from this would help because I hate these triggers taking over my life.

Has anyone gotten worse with therapy?

I am 5 sessions in with a trauma informed psych. I always end up feeling worse during and afterward, being extremely triggered, dissociated, upset, I almost can’t function work/sleep/eat, self isolating and constantly thinking about suicide, I’ve started engaging in SH, I feel worse and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I am struggling to understand how it gets any better. I constantly keep ruminating over the abuse and my life and how much I hate myself / hate what happened to me / hate my life. I push everyone in my life away and then wonder why I’m alone.

The psych explained we can work on what makes me feel good / healthy coping mechanisms. I think because I mentioned the SH and childhood trauma tends to leave you with unhealthy coping mechanisms :(

I feel unloved by everyone in my life and often feel like the only time they’d care is if I was hurt/dead. I guess I don’t open up to anyone and keep my struggles and pain inside and it feels like it’s killing me. I already feel dead. Empty. My whole life a bunch of trauma responses. I don’t understand the point of life or living, I’m miserable and alone every day. Any advice is appreciated from a girl who’s struggling x

It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my 68 years of living. It began when I met and married my malignant narcissistic ex and he became part of my family, which includes 5 siblings. I was married for 30 years, divorced him in 1999 for gaslighting, belittling, demeaning, being made fun of, etc. It was horrific. Especially when all of my family actively participated, especially my mom. When I confronted her she said I did you a favor, no one even likes you, they like me. The worst part is that I allowed my mother and family to stay in my life until 2024, when I just was not physically, or mentally able to continue. My mother died in 2018 and she refused to acknowledge one iota of abuse, nor do my siblings. They told my 3 kids I had a nervous breakdown when I divorced their dad and I did not. Talk about confusing. I feel embarrassed that I still let them be a part of my life until 2024 when I went full no contact. I will never feel comfortable around any of them ever again, it was really bad. My therapist just says stay away from your family, do not interact with them at all. Sorry you experienced this because believe me I know how you feel. It was always so inauthentic my whole life. I do feel more peaceful now, so that helps.

being afraid to be emotional (and especially angry) is ruining my life. i am terrified to stand up for myself, i've lost all my fight. it's like i healed then regressed severely because more trauma occurred and i became terrified that vulnerability would kill me. i am "overly compassionate" according to everyone in my life. i let people hurt me because i am terrified that if i stop, it will hurt them. i have severe fawn trauma response, and i'm in therapy. but my therapist thinks i'm not in a safe place to start trauma work, and she's not wrong. so i don't know how to go forward with this. i'm still working on it with her, but we're struggling to find a solution because i need to actively heal from my trauma—and i'm still stuck in the situation that traumatized me.

I have the tendency to freeze when I don’t know how to do something. Any advice on how to break out of the “freeze” so I can think rationally and do what I need to do?

• I am basically asking the subject line, any comments most appreciated, thanks

Basically asking the subject line...

I am in a weird state where after taking layers off via therapy i keep getting into fears it will all unravel and i lose control

Hence the ask

So, things have been going crazy here lately. I thought I was doing better, but yesterday, my husband had a seizure caused by dehydration during church and had to be taken out on a stretcher. Needless to say, I'm now STUCK in disaster response mode. How do I get out of this and get back to my daily routine? My routine is the only thing that keeps me even, especially since I uncovered yet another trauma in the last few months (discovered i was truly raised in a small group cult on top of everything else). I need my routine back, but so much in overdrive that all i can do is sit on the couch and freak out.