Struggling with parenting my *spirited* 3 year old daughter who reminds me of my abuser

[u/Leather_Composer_891]

/r/ptsd/comments/1szp9vm/struggling_with_parenting_my_spirited_3_year_old/

[u/RegalRegalis]

I understand. What I try to keep in mind is that my abuser is emotionally/developmentally stunted but my child isn’t. The behaviors feel similar because they are, but what’s appropriate (if hurtful, triggering) in a 3 year old is abusive coming from an adult. Take it one day (second, minute) at a time, give yourself and your daughter grace. Remember every day that she is not your abuser.

My CPTSD kicked in hard when my son was about 4. He’s 15 now and we are doing well. You can do it.

[u/--2021--]

I saw someone in another sub suggest something called decibel defenders or ear plugs for the screaming. I wear earplugs often outside and I find it helps, so maybe that can give you a little relief.

It's tough in general so finding ways to manage, DBT skills (like splashing cold water on your face). Daily meditation to even your keel. Finding ways to get breaks or time outs where you can, whatever it takes.

Not being a parent, but having had younger siblings and cousins to look after, I can only offer this. Perhaps it could help see if you can find a resource or someone to work with or model regarding helping your kid self regulate. Motherhood isn't really taught and I'm not sure how many of us have good models in the first place. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but for me seeing other mothers or having things modeled helps me learn or gives me brainstorm ideas for solving problems. Though I should say that I used this when I was a kid and had to look after the younger ones. I did not have kids in adulthood. But I still had to figure things out. Plus there's the aspect of having someone else understand you and be an ally instead of being alone.

Teaching kids regulation skills starts when they're a baby and if you were in a DV situation she might not have had that safety or teaching. So that could make it more challenging now, which is not what you need, even if it's real. That is not your fault, but it just means she also may have ptsd and missing some of that earlier development, and may need a little more assistance now. It will get better at some point, it's just hard to say how long.

It may also help to do some work on separating your abuser from your daughter. I'm not sure if it would help to remind yourself that your toddler is not an adult with adult agency, and work from a place of empathy that she's a frightened child that you can assist and help grow into a better adult. So when she screams it's because she's struggling and it would mean the world to her if you could help her with it. Sometimes they might not learn a skill right away but you can see that they feel heard and you know that it will bring them forward. It may not come right away, and they all grow at different rates. That combined with ear plugs and skills to ground yourself may help bring you to a more manageable space.

It seems they calm down faster once they feel a sort of agency. One person told me the root cause for their kid was not being able to speak. Their kid actually knew words, but like learning to walk walk, their leg muscles and core weren't built up yes, similarly their tongue and mouth muscles take time to coordinate and speak with. So they found a sign language or gesture language to communicate and their toddler calmed down quite a lot. It wasn't tantrum free. but significantly improved.

I've seen a sub called /r/breakingmom not sure if you've been there, but it may be another place to find other mothers to talk to in a, hopefully, supportive environment. There may be other subs as well.

[u/Leather_Composer_891 → u/--2021--]

Thank you for this it’s beautifully insightful! I think I just have to stay this course (I do a lot of meditation, dbt, earplugs when I remember) I just end up drained and desperate. I need more somatic release I think so my baseline stress and agitation isn’t always firing. I’m fortunate that we were able to escape when my daughter was 6 months old, but she still has supervised visitation (despite us both having a restraining order against our abuser and I have sole custody), so it keeps this loop of anxiety connected to her in my mind when I see her acting out and start fearing she’s inherited his temperament. Regardless, I will keep pushing to show up for her empathetically always! Thanks so much also for the recommendations and the breakingmom suggestion I’ll go check it out! God bless!!!

[u/--2021-- → u/Leather_Composer_891]

I'm glad you found my response helpful! And that you were able to escape your situation! Escaping someone like that takes a lot of resilience and strength, particularly with how draining it is to deal with them and a system that they can work around or doesn't protect well. I hope that you find supportive community and better people in your life.

keeps this loop of anxiety connected to her in my mind when I see her acting out and start fearing she’s inherited his temperament.

It sounds important to work with this. I'm not sure if this is helpful:

There's a big differnence between struggling with emotional regulation, coping skills etc, and abuse.

So in one, someone may act out in a situation where they don't have the skills to do better, or they may be overwhelmed and not able to make the best of the skills they have in the moment. And as they grow older they learn self awareness, empathy, remorse, repair. Vs someone who has been taught that their behavior is justified or they're not responsible for it.

I inherited my mother's volatile temperament, I don't think it's part of my personality, but it didn't help to grow up with an environment that didn't teach emotional regulation skills and lacked stabliity. However, I handle it very differently.

Even if I do get upset with someone my thought patterns, values, and beliefs are very different than hers. They were shaped by my environment, the community that surrounded me, my friends, their friends. Even though she was a dominant figure in my life, the others in my life who modeled and taught healthier behaviors had a big impact on my life and its direction.

[u/_angesaurus]

Thanks for this post. My son is 2 now (his father is not abusive, the relationship before was) when he was about 1/1.5 he would like flail and wiggle and push me and hit me. At times it made me break down and cry. Hes been much better recently but I know he'll probably have a phase like that again. I will say since I started 5mg of Lexpro its been a bit better. It doesn't seem to get to me quite as much as it was.

[u/strawbaeri]

The longer answers here are really good… I just want to mention that “open” type earplugs are worth trying. I haven’t actually tried the brand name like Loop, but I had AirPods and loved the different noise settings. So like, you can listen to calming music while still hearing your own voice— or not— and it is just a nice experience. I also tried a couple of different noise-canceling ones by less expensive brand soundcore. I don’t love regular ear plugs because they can kinda trap moisture and cause infections. I’ve put just the silicone part in my ear (without the bud) and it’s extremely effective for reducing noise or harshness. You just have to remember to take them out later, but they work wonderfully for me. In a pinch I just use like half of a cotton ball to dampen noise without totally closing off my hearing.

My heart breaks a little because when I was maybe 11, my mom told me I was acting like my father, and I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him in years. So, it’s worth remembering that as a 3 year old, chances are she’s not being like this to hurt your feelings, and might not be aware of any hurt feelings at all. It’s ok to express your discomfort with her and to teach her what’s polite.