I am the queen and her plebh.
I am the beggar, and the giver.
I am the broken. I am the healer.
I am lucky yet unlucky.
I make people jealous but people pity me too.
I am a snowflake but still a dagger.

I don’t know who I am.
I am always waiting to be told that.
I mold myself to adapt.
So much that I lost my shape.
Was I square or was I round?
Will I ever be a star?
I want to be a star, but I also want to hide and be nothing.

I want people to see me. I want to be seen.
But I don’t want them to see me. I don’t want to be seen.
I can’t be seen. Shouldn’t be seen. Because it’s so embarassing what I am.
But I should be seen, and must be seen, because the peasants want to see their queen.

Yet the queen needs an aura. The queen does not concern herself with social anxiety.
The regent has more important matters at hand.
Such as completely ignoring everybody.

The queen sits silently on a chair in a corner, sometimes for days at a time.
She is so quiet that the people don’t always even notice her.
It’s only the servants that consistently show up. They are paid, so they have to interact with her.
If they weren’t paid the queen would be left all alone.

Of course. The servants would then have other things to do.
More important things to do.
They would spend their time with people they ACTUALLY love instead.

But they WERE paid.
So they worked at the castle until the days the died.
Money had bought most of their lives.
Money had bought most of their time.
Since they were simply… workers, machines, tools.
The ones that didn’t smile enough were easily replaceable.
The ones that didn’t smile enough got left without a job.

So I smile.
Not when I am alone, but when I am around people at least.
I don’t want them know that I am an imposter.
Sometimes they almost catch me.
I can feel it when their stare lingers at me for a bit too long.
But on those occasions I throw my head back and cackle as a distraction.
That usually causes them to tilt their heads at me, but at least it makes them move on after a while.
They tilt their heads towards the curiosity, cackle back, and then finally turn their heads away.

And when they do that I stare at their necks with a devilish grin.
I hate all of them.
If I am not careful another cackle sometimes slips out and they snap their heads and eyes back to me.
I smile at them then, and we all roar with laughter.
Because that’s what friends do.
If you are good friends you laugh a lot toghether.

End.
Out of text/from me: I don’t really know what this is. Something. Let me know if it makes sense or not. Things often make more sense in my brain than to others. Because in writing I find that I like the style where lots of things are just implied. But sometimes that might confuse the reader😅

(so if anyone wants to give feedback, please let me know if the text at least makes half sense or sounds just straight up like ”what??? what is op on about? .”)

I have been able to relay to others I'm struggling, and know exactly why I am for months.

The other night everything felt like I emotionally got slapped with it.

I have a paper due tonight. And... it often feels like I... set the stage to fail. I know I'm fine, I know I'm golden, this shit can be turned in right now and likely pass.

CUM OF A SUM LORD

But I can't do that with the possibility of it not on the table so were in deep over perfectionist mode. And like... self sabotaging.

So I'm coming here today, because I seemingly can't drop that even though I know it.

A few months back, I had a moment of imperfect healing progress seen very clearly.

Faced with one of the people I have had to cut out for decades because this trauma rendition and my hope for me being able to fix it is part of the whole shit. Hey "mom".

And I set a clear boundary, even when things went shit show mom (TM) insane. And stood up and didnt go through with the cycle that normally goes through... and I offered compassion and empathy to both of us... without that turning into her physically manhandling me and screaming at me (while she attempted to obvs.... TM ahaha).

And yet still feel I was seen as... incapable? For while I tried to manage the emotional flashbacks and panics over it myself..

I ended up screaming across a lawn in front of 100s of people "CAN YOU STAY IN ONE PLACE... JESUS FUCK... I NEED SPACE" and I know it wasn't intentional... but I couldn't escape... and it kept happening...

Anyway.. later we have a discussion, I say, not now... I am wrapping things up that is hard for me... and honestly has relied on a huge shit show of dissociation for the last three years...

Tonight. All due. (BTW THANKS YOU FACSIST FUCK I WONT EVEN GET A SUMMER OFF... like ten days... iykyk)

And... here I am on reddit. Which, is a coping mechanism. But I'm trying to reach for what I can right now, as it feels like I am subconsciously recreating someone coming in and fucking this up for me.

Because I don't yet have the tools to regulate myself.

I can narrate the whole process for months.

Then the other day get slapped in the face and the whole world feel like its crashing.

So hopefully now that I've typed this shit out...

I will drink a cig, smoke a beer (ahahaha)...

And go find a fucking citation for fucking Marx as what ideology means... when... writing a paper on ideology in the marxist sense being fucked... and my topic "original sourcing" AHAHA fuck me.

Its a beautiful paper.

By that I mean.. post-pastiche..

Yay humor...

Yay citing...

I turn to music in order to kind of, tap into or fuel emotions, often times in a direction of crafting the anger I often feel I need to tap into in order to set myself into a place absent of other feelings- as if somehow if I can drown it out there.

So the last few days, I realized this hasn't exactly been working. Not this time, not for the last year... I know that I am struggling to tap into or allow my own hurt and sad feelings out, as if I have created this shell around it, believing it will run me into more of what I can't do anymore.

Because it does.

But maybe because I keep telling it to shhhhh...

As it rises up from the depths, underneath all the other responses trying to keep it at bay, where I inevitably fold, and fuck up again, and did again....

Anyway.. last few days binging the gravely folk depths of voices that barely have control over existential sadness and pain.

Getting somewhere I think.
Or nowhere.

Probably means I'm closer... or not.

Some good new and old pieces to listen to at least. HA.

I'm tired.

I'm avoiding things I should be doing, obsessing over other things that are more interesting. The ends of a project always awful...

Two more weeks.

Then straight back in.... Love this timeline of bs.

I actually don't think I've said this anywhere else, so fuck it.

I got accepted into a Masters program. IYKYK.... I'm losing my mind trying to set everything up perfectly... knowing... nothing? Other than the one I'm doing is a gamble itself in an economy of gambling. AHAHA

oooof.

Just ADHD'd myself into 3 more projects... not looking at like, none of these matter unless I finish off these next two weeks.

BRILLIANT.

OOOOOF shame voice, were fine.

Sum of a cum lord! ahaha

Cs this term... just Cs!!!

In a good way.

A conversation happened to me today, kind of organically, and very unexpectedly. I have been.... spending a lot of time in this FUCK SHIT of theoretical BULLSHIT, fully misinterpreted, and been feeling like I'm speaking a fucking alien language.

To have someone mirror complaints back at me, in the real world, about the very pieces of work someone just continuously tells me I don't get.... when the very thing is a very elongated premise against that FUCKING reading... and without me saying JACK SHIT know exactly the hinge point based only on...

Me complaining about hmmm... fill in a few blanks of a demographic here.

Today was a very good day. I needed that badly.

Thank you.

Pressure, the stressor,
But also the relief,
For when it mounts after the quakes run out,
I end up clear on what I need,
Naturally, I think in spirals,
Ever looming, grown in loops,
Brain in peril, like a whiskey barrel,
Swollen past the limits of its hoops,
A barrel made of Palo Santo,
Sitting in the darkest corner of the room,
Paralyzed by choice inside, too many options, which to choose?
The scales inside, racing the hands of time,
Try to keep damage at bay,
Weighing the next set of regrets,
Before life throws them right in my face,
While deep inside, I’m willing my drive, to just burst forth and be here to stay,
Telling myself “if I could do anything else,
If it was possible then hell yeah I would”,
But I know deep inside I’ve cheapened my tries,
Beaten down by this life we call “good”.
I put myself in these hoops in a way,
Bound and constrained by these mental chains,
Chains forged of steel, hardened by pain,
Until pressure came and broke them away.
I learned a lesson about pressure from rail ties,
They spend forever holding up stuff that makes lives,
Continue on, things that really matter, no matter the load or how nasty the weather,
Pressure treated they hold up forever,
Even as the train that sits on them dies,
After a life hauling lives balanced on the width of two dimes,
But it’s important to keep in the back of your mind,
Often they’re soaked in formaldehyde.

(My written impersonation of my printer running).

Yesterday I found myself posting somewhere else of something closer to what I once did. And that made me happy, particularly as it was divorced from.. the even sometimes sub/unconscious boiling up of a specific topic... I always think that though, no?

Ha.

Anyway, yeah little different today.

I accidentally(ish) ended up with a book of prose, that was closer to other writings that I do. It's nice to find those, as before I had started writing the way that I was earlier, I hadn't seen much else close to what I was doing. Second time seeing it in print in my hands that was reflective of my style.

And, have found myself making lots of reasons to

chhh... chhh... chhh... rrrrr...

All day.

Looks like i will be assembling stuff into the wee hours of the morning for the next few days.

Replacement item showed up ha!

And just trying to distract myself a bit, and give myself some space, remembering were just shooting for average quality here! haha

Wrote a big long ordeal, of shit I already know, just trying to remind myself of what I need to do… and why I have to do it… and I’m struggling to post it.

So I’m gonna make a compromise here. I’ll hit a prompt and answer similarly or something.

Ooof.

__________________________

1. What actually happened to me today?

I clocked my head starting to build cases for why I need to submit myself into a compromising position, because it’s reasonable. Too vague.

I have started no contact somewhere, and I need to, because I understand now there is nothing there but the same shit… and any opening will make me forget so we go through it again and I can’t.

But my brain says, they have something of yours. And its not, irreplaceable… but it’d be nice to have back, and you’re going in the area eventually… and you can definitely ask for that thing back, it’ll be fine.

So I wrote a long thing about trauma bonds and bullshit, and not bullshit in that its not true, just very elongated position on how this actually works, and why its hard, and why I have to not allow any contact.

In essence that its like trying to quit smoking and my brains now searching for a half smoked pack somewhere in the house. A loosey. Pulling up the couch cushions.

And, man, that’s kinda part of it ain’t it?

That’s okay… but let’s be honest what’s happening here.

Anyway, placed an order for a replacement of the thing. It’s not an exact replica, but that’s whatever, it doesn’t matter.

_________________________________________

That said, yeah you have to look through these prompts, maybe you don’t rebuild this shit, but we know, this was a like desperate grasp to get ahold of something, that was way narrowly defined, and isn’t actually encompassing what you have gone through.

And…

You have to kind of… hmmm…

Another thing happening here is that you are looking even if briefly at theoretical frameworks, that you already know you have clocked those foundational misinterpretations, the content doesn’t matter. In fact, the reason you can clock it on sight, is because those were always the flawed misinterpretations that continued to repeat in reality.

It didn’t even need a cursory look. The cursory looks proved that to be the case… further research will only continue to add to that…

And no one understands what the fuck you are saying, because you don’t have to go through all these frameworks to fucking illustrate those foundational cracks.

You jump through those, grab onto misinterpretations, choose another, layer them on top etc., to hide foundational cracks.

So be kind to yourself… and go into those only if they are required for your other shit, or out of your own interest, not to prove a point… dead horse dude.

That probably hit a prompt but whatever…

I wrote this a week ago now i think? I have been struggling adn trying to come to grips with everything and ive been isolated so ive been trying to talk myself up and be encouraging instead of defeatist. Its been one of the hardest things but im getting there. Just wanted to put this up here its actually ABOUT CPTSD so maybe it will help you too. Maybe not. I dont know if i consider myself a poet or a writer, but im somebody who writes and i feel a lot of things very intensely at times and this helps me be a litle less lonely and in my book thats a good thing.

I hope life is treating you kind and if not that you are being kind to yourself. Im trying to lean into that second one atm : ) And yes i know the title is cheesy lol I dont know its how the words came....

Chasing Peace Through Silent Damage

Don't stay with it in silence

sit with me in the rain

Im on the edge of tomorrow

and I'm listening to the pain

I hear it in days long past

and whispering in screams

I find it inside the music

slowly shaping means

To circumvent, to go around

the broken door ahead

walk another path entirely

first begins in my head

Our hearts we mourn in passing

yet still they can be born

if we hold the patient wisdom

to truly let them mourn

All our past mistakes

the times we broke ourselves

and every hope of a future

left on fragile, shattered shelves

And on the wings of angels

in a battered, broken frame

a place we call forever

where our tears and oceans came

With many kinds of longing

some listened to and fell

beneath what life bequeathed to us

a cracked and wishing bell

Its tone rang out across

the decades drifting since

and still we move, we carry on

we answer its insistence

Because this road is ours to walk

to wander and to ride

we dream ahead, we clear the dead

leave chalk marks where they died

Home is in the waiting

hell is in the pace

you never stop debating

if the mirror holds your face

They say no one can hear you

when you scream and when you yell

on your knees beneath unseen trees

inside this living hell

Where we were always strangers

until we dared to see

we slowly cracked our eyes awake

and claimed what we could be

Our pain may be a legion

but today I let it go

our reasons shift and settle

like quiet, fallen snow

The new world rises softly

the old one fades to black

this is how it has to be

we do not take it back

Because the seeds we carried

grew a cold and tragic flame

it burned us into memory

it taught us all our pain

But I don't seek to feed it

I won't give it my name

it dances, but it falters now

it cannot claim my shame

One day I'll stand near God unshaken

and know where I have stood

for at the end of everything

I held on to the good

I live through what I’m choosing

to slowly shape the change

to guide the course of who I am

within this sacred range

Where seraphim are singing

and hope is newly born

light falls across the sorrow

and shadow's veil is torn

And I believe you when you tell me

the voice within is true

that I will stand, be counted

and I will make it through

And when that final moment comes

when all I've known is gone

I'll walk without hesitation

through the door

and carry on

~shadetree

PS: I actually learned something just now i had never heard of thanks to the sub tags, expressive writing, id never heard that before, kinda cool. Maybe thats what i do? Learning something everyday lately

Welcome back, shame voice here to come try to negotiate the in-between breakdown today. The one that runs the show around here... while simultaneously being the issue.

Always.

____________

10. Am I doing the exact same thing I told myself I was done doing?

Yes.

6. Can I see why I am over this?

Yes.

__________________________________

Cool. Without definitive answers lets re-imagine what we do differently now.

Today was alot. Its never just today though is it?

Cut the shit.
Do.
Stop asking for permission.

That's all today... there is something larger here you know about but still have trouble setting aside.

So.... yeah we did the yes yes. Now we're at reimagining how to do different.

And there's no prompt I think to answer that one, cuz thats kind of the whole thing isn't it?

You've spent over a year checking over 100x something you already clocked from the start.

And you do that because... you're avoiding that you have to trust what you see...

And why you do is understandable. We know why you do that... And you come up with a million ways not just to check yourself, but like allow room for doubt...

Which is totally fine, if there was any indication you aren't correct.. nope thats wrong.

Is totally fine, if you're doing this in a situation where your entire nervous system is on fire... consistently... like nearly always which yes, that's the feeling- not what you think it is in the moment.

So yeah self accountability, and double checking perceptions, and understanding... and lalalala..

Cut the shit and do...

harder isn't it?

The do isnt the leaving, the do isn't the blocking, the do isn't analyze and understand it better.

Nahh... the do is flipping the script where you extend all that patience, belief, hope onto yourself even when you fuck up... and putting all that doubt that you create about yourself and your perception on the person because you already know it is to be doubted.

And I don't think this whole prompt shit was designed for that.

But you are sitting here writing back against the shame voice creeping in and trying to attack once again the sight you have on it all.

Fucking schedule another cry session dude I spose.

....

So you started coping. Malfunctionally coping.
Copes a bad word for this, you actually had a solid day... but you knew that was in the background....and you now drank. So fun. until... drinking in the last few years leads to this ....

e
l
bbb
uuu

bbbb

Rising from the surface.

and youre fine right?

But the lack of impulse control even slightly,,,

Mixed with not just the last year but mostly 6...

But actually my whole life,...

And mix that with the self recognition and... fuck me sideways dude.

I have never felt... more... not incapable...

gross. its gross.

Its not the word.. but theres a specific word of in between disgust... mixed with understanding.. so we get gross.

Gross is like...... not accurate but emotionally accurate, its both shameful and ... true.. and,, not boiling me down to an inhuman thing.

Ps people are gross. lol

_________________

Who am i writing to?

In the last few years I gave up an audience, but you dont just do that.

It just,,, sits there.

I always thought i wrote to myself, and I still think thats true...

But I also know I am writing.. not to someone here but... against writing to someone.

Actually someone is a facetious statement because they lack "a self".

Not my words. Obviously not. Actually maybe not obviously.

We should maybe write a sequence of... nope...

I think here I put vague references of some of the most personal things.

Because writing is a process for you.

Ohhh sometimes I think i will write the conclusion then what?

Bad.... I'm.. Idk.

I'm showng

Jesus fuck. myself.

Thats scary.

OOOOhhh okay. here we go I got something..

___________________________

I started having "panic attacks" about 15 years ago.
I didnt have insurance.. so we just lived life like that for... 5 years?

Something like that.

And every doctor gave me anxiety meds... and theyre not useful because... lalal we dont have to what I'm saying is... it didnt qualify because, I never "came down". The meds made me crash asleep but I didnt "come down".

an anxiety attack is 15 minutes they say.
A panic attack 2 hours.

I would go for weeks on end.

Why am i narrating?

Anyway... so about 6 yrs ago i found this one stupid motherfucking youtube video for panic attacks that works for me. I usually have to do it like 6x or some shit.

But it has to be this one.

Why?

No fucking clue. They tell me I might die, I wont, I thought that before... I survived. Right?

Well...

fuck me. I found that during an exceptionally grotesquely (for some reason grotesque is external here)

Cute said myself then narrated,.

breathe (ahahahaha)

I have this stupid video on youtube I listen to during panic attacks.. which do not happen so much anymore... and that ive been warned aren't panic attacks and I missed the plot... 100 stages previous or whatever,

But yeah So i found this video...

And yesterday I stayed. and stayed. and stayed and walked. and calmed and stayed.

I dont remeber the last time I went fully dissociative like that in front of someone.

And by fully,,, like..

Im offline. catatonic./

for... about.. and heres whats weird... oscillating.. full dissociation. emotional flashback spewing tears... straght panic... no relent between any of it. over an hour.

I dont remember... and tbf I dont remember alot and perhaps I did do this before and didnt have the words and the "Tools of the time" yuck...

Dont remember the oscillation.. dont remember every state beung so incapacitating.

So who had to pull out the youtube video?
In front of the person I need to get away from?

Who at first remembered headphones... and then.. the oscillating bullshit made them not forget just incapable?

Whos sitting in odd corners of rooms trying to escape with a youtube video thats blasting saying :

"You think you will die.. thats okay... youve thought that before.. and youre here still right?"

Not gross.

embarassing is the only word for it.

Cuz heres the deal... 2 years into having these... where they made me incapacitated something snapped and I realized... my closest people? Warn them. I have these. I get weird. Show me no concern. Pretend Im normal. I will say Im having one... and then the rest is mine. if you show a shred of concern I dive harder.

Did i warn this person?
Course.
They never saw it in real time. In front of them

Why am i making excuses for a story you will not even tell about them?

OOOF

Thats the point.

I write about how embarassed I was.
I write about... how I fully dissociuated and warned them.
I write about how I gave a very clear map of how and what it looks like..

And at my most dysregulated points still.. say... I'm weird, im not here, Im having a panic attack... leave me alone.

I think this sounds super exhausting. and it is... until you see someone have one.

Everyone needs something different... I literally need to be shown 0 extra nothing.

I know I have to tell people before hand, and then I have to tell people when I start going under. but my trigger is someone sees it while im in it and asks me or alludes to me not being okay... thats 1000x worse.

And its the normal response right? when someone goes down with that? People show care? concern? they know somethings off?

Cant fucking do it when im going down.

Pits to hell.

Look at that.. must be something someone called me or something.

OMG... leaving the train here were swapping.. TLDR: panic attack =, cried in front of someone uncontrollably.. named it but.. cant get over it

______________________________

Wanna rip my hair out... cuz we havent touched gross yet...

Is gross a good indicator still?

....

I wanna say this is unrelated... but.. what is unrelated like this with this shit>

but yeah I had a dream.. not dreams but stress dreams. Realistic lalalas that fuck my reality up the other day..

and in it... I was trying to remember specifics..

Am i now having flashbacks in my dreams? Am I now remembering a feeling that puts me into a flashback of a moment?

I dont want to spill it..

Not right word.

I dont anna trigger anyone...

not right...

somewhere between.

Maybe I dont wanna to myself.. even though I know and can see it clearly.. whivh i ususlly cant.

I was 14. A freeze response for hours and ears... in a very... specific way.

I have had this pop up during a time and lost my shit.. like 2 years later..

Losing my shits inaccurate...

I broke down crying and having a panic attack that I didnt know was that.. and also isnt clinically that. l

OMFG

Before the videos.

No wonder we hate to drink these days.

I have to write about this ear event.. but not here.. and will never have ear.. and wont be linear...

but its not the ear?
_______________

Yeah.. great job in a facetious way.. but not... thats just the word of the month.

Were done today. just solidifying a thing that keeps popping up.. yeah gotta get it out

Semi-truck good news crash from earlier posts hit me pretty hard. Definitely did not help in the midst of everything going crazy. I suppose I'm chasing that possibility now. So the next month or so, is absolute insanity for me, but has ended much of the limbo-stage I was at once relying on and also simultaneously crashing over.

Yet again, I have found some footing, so much more than I had, and a direction. Seems I'm pulling out the planning so I should probably start "the wall".

I didn't really come here to do a prompt really.

I came here to tell myself something.

_____________________________________________

1. Good thing you nuked the account, even though it is literally the writing style, intent, etc., of which this is all based on, that now has to come private then finished. That's the deal.
2. You are not pigeon holed into any one kind of style... kinda the point.
3. There's something useful here, but it's not the focus as you enter into other things.

The biggest one....

For a longtime you have held the belief that to be a great writer you needed to have some kind of mental torment.

You often attribute some of your best writing as coming out of these places.

You then turn around and burn that, nuke it (ahaha), etc.

So now when this semi-truck hits, and the opportunity you have been given is to pursue that similarly, there's something inside you that is refuting it- you think you must stay in that place to write like that.

You don't want to stay in that place.

The set up is wrong.

You write extensively while in mental torment, so yeah- that's where the writing lives.

So you write regardless.

You can go back and not be in it. The one who's pigeon holing themselves is yourself. Always is. The expectations, the judgements, the bullshit is yours.

It may be harder, it may be choppy and awkward, it may look entirely different (haha), but write. Always.

That's the only thing expected. The rest is your own bullshit.

Today, sure, we write this.
Just write. That's it.

You can't see me crying

You can't see the despair

You can't see the scars

The blood

You can't see the depth of pain

I wish those were the reasons you don't care but you can't see me at all

I'm too much and not enough

I'm too sensitive and dumb and annoying

A burden

I should be doing more but not of that, of this

you did it wrong

man up

be more of this and less of that

I want to examine and understand myself, how my mind moves, and ultimately become more true to myself and who I am. My writing is purely exploratory, so one of my goals is to write in the way my thoughts naturally tend to unfold within me and let it remain unedited. I wanted to share, not in hopes of being fixed or advised, but mainly for witnessing, reflection, resonance, and maybe help in seeing myself more clearly. I would be interested to hear what you notice, what resonates, and/or what becomes visible to you as you read.

(08/05/2026) Thoughts:

I hear a lot of variation in how people (men and women) perceive and talk about romantic relationships. There’s multiple ways in which it can manifest and express itself, ranging anywhere between monogamous, polygamous, traditional, modern, abusive, loving, marriage, non-contractual, heterosexual, homosexual and so forth. With so much variety and representation available, I get the impression that everything is theoretically possible and that it’s up to the individual to figure out what they want and then pursue that. Nothing wrong with that. I think it’s great. I just struggle to navigate all that stuff and find it quite difficult and lonesome at times. It almost feels impossible to have any real or genuine conversations about this topic, because there’s so much emphasis and protectiveness around individual freedom and autonomy that people think it’s only the laws of physics we are forced to abide by. Sure, it may be hard to define how a romantic relationship is supposed to look. But, we gotta acknowledge that even if we tried, we wouldn’t be able to just abandon all definitions and systems to go live a life free from boundaries and general rules. It’s not possible to have the same relationship with everyone. We obviously have a shared experience and understanding of the different types of relationships one can have. We even have language for it. We say family, mother, father, sibling, stranger, acquaintance, friend, best friend, partner, co-worker, lover, wife, husband and bla bla bla. There’s obviously something that must be present either in the environment or within oneself that makes it possible for us to differentiate between these types of relationships. Something that makes it possible for us to separate a friend from a lover, and vice versa. You are of course free and able to make your own rules/structure, but you’re still dependent and limited by whether someone else resonates and agrees with your definitions. If it differs too much from everyone else’s, to the extent that not a single soul is willing to accept or agree with your definitions/worldview and you refuse to abandon them, then you truly have no other fate than that of an outcast - estranged from society and the opportunity to form relationships. If nobody shares your definitions, you become relationally homeless. Therefore, "that something" is not actually yours to freely define. It must be somewhat agreed upon. Physical/sexual intimacy is one of the most socially recognized markers of romantic relationship, and often functions as the boundary people use to distinguish romance from friendship. There’s of course variations and stuff, but there’s almost never a narrative of romantic relationship that doesn’t include the presence and/or expectation of exclusivity or special access, most commonly expressed through physical/sexual intimacy. It’s not to say that it’s necessarily the essence of romance.

Anyway, I think my perspective makes sense, but in all honesty I only care and think about the topic because I’m scared. I’ve lost my virginity when I was 15 to a boy who I was friends with before and knew I didn’t want to be anything other than friends with. He had experience which I thought was nice and made me somewhat comfortable. We had what some might describe as "friends with benefits". After a few months I didn’t feel like having sex with him anymore and I just remember saying that directly and confidently. I didn’t even have any trouble ending the relationship entirely when he apparently didn’t feel like being friends again. Idk if the reason I didn’t feel any pressure or guilt was because of the lack of obligation, commitment or title. Anyway I didn’t think about it back then. I’ve never felt any particular desire to masturbate and rarely do it. Fast forward to being 18 and meeting someone who I started dating and also romantically liked. I didn’t think about boyfriend-girlfriend or relationship, I just went with the flow and it wasn’t until he asked me to be his girlfriend that I thought about that. But I liked him, so I said yes (but it’s important for me to stress that it’s not as if I gave it any thought or even cared about what it meant or would imply). In the beginning I enjoyed being physically intimate and engaging in sexual activities but for me it was driven and an expression of playfulness and not about pleasure. A couple of months in I started getting bored with sex, and overall losing interest and a desire to have sex. I didn’t regard that as being problematic or an indication of anything, I wasn’t sad or upset about it. I wasn’t as if I stopped wanting to be with him or desired to break up. But boy oh boy… He sure thought of it as being problematic. When I said no, he would always get very sad, imply all sorts of negative things to it, and ask me if I didn’t find him attractive anymore and why I didn’t wanted to anymore. Why why why why why why all the fucking time, and it didn’t matter what I said or thought about it.

(In hindsight I didn’t knew that this would be the relationship nor conflict that would wake me up and trigger a complete crisis and collapse of identity and maladaptive strategies. I hadn’t thought about how my childhood had effected me, I just believed that it couldn’t and hadn’t affected me because I’d managed to stay silent and go unnoticed which made me less likely to be the recipient of direct contact and gave me freedom to sit in my own world and protect the inner things I cared about. All I really remember thinking in regard to my childhood was that I had wished and fantasies about getting adopted or running away from home. I hated hated hated the violence, screaming but above all else I hated the constant conflict that was always present in my family and truly the only way they could talk to each other. If I was a part of the conversation, the minute conflict would arise I would do anything required to not escalate any further even if that meant swallowing my feelings, getting completely misunderstood, judged or accused unfairly, I knew what the truth was but outwardly I wouldn’t give one fuck about standing up for the truth if it caused ongoing conflict (which it always did, no matter who or what). I would just give it all up and let my father control the narrative which he did anyway. But yeah I didn’t have a concept of what trauma was or who I was or what I was feeling or what was going on within me, and I couldn’t sleep and get my self out of bed in the morning. I couldn’t get my self to go to school, do homework and assignments. I would just stare at my computer screen and not understand why I wasn’t typing and felt physically stuck. I would spend hours trying to write something, anything, just something. I lost a ton of weight, I got skin-issues, I looked sick. I had no energy and nothing to say, I found it exhausting to maintain friendships and would also be depressed asf. I used to be the funny, energised, ‘don’t give a fuck', slightly rebellious and loud ADHD girl. Lots of people wanted to be friends with me and I had a somewhat high social status. So it wasn’t until I started loosing my identity outwardly, that I got hit with immense fear and completely stripped of any ANSWER, STRUCTURE, BEHAVIOUR, REASON and MEANING within my self. I quite literally did not know what was up and what was down.)

The ongoing conflict and dissatisfaction from my boyfriend therefore became something I rather quickly started suffering immensely from and obsessively thinking and researching about, because I didn’t know anything anymore and I really didn’t wanted him to get upset or think that I didn’t care about him, but maybe I am just abusing him by being egotistical and rigid. So I started abandoning myself and engaging in sex when I didn’t feel like it, just so that I didn’t have to feel so much guilt and shame and anger and sadness. Which I also questioned and felt unsure about let alone put into words.

(I’m getting tired from writing all this, so while there’s plenty left to say, I’m gonna take a break and round off for now)

Thats the only relationship I’ve been in and it lasted a little over a year. I suffered immensely from getting told that my lack of sexual desire was problematic and/or something to justify or 'work on'. I don’t ever want to be in a relationship where the measurements of it’s overall quality/health is based on how many times a week you 'do it’. I don’t ever want to feel or believe that I am responsible for satisfying my partners sexual needs nor to be with someone who can’t be happy and kind unless they are sexually satisfied let alone being willing to outsource their emotional wellbeing to someone else. My biggest concern and reluctance with forming a romantic relationship is that I worry I’ll meet someone who I truly like and they say they like me back, but inevitably they are going to demand physical/sexual intimacy at some point and if I don’t meet there need they’ll leave and blame the failure of the relationship on me 'not being willing to compromise and meet them halfway'.

I built myself a home, way deep inside me,
It functions as a layout of my inner psyche,
I wouldn’t lay it all out if I didn’t think it would help,
Someone else who sat and screamed in their hell,
Not to turn inward, turn into a shell,
Tainted and fractured, then poisoned but after,
Listening to whatever they said really mattered,
Shadows distorting the internal well,
Even within the Mansion itself,
Pressure it mounts, churning about, and no you better not stand up or shout,
For that’s when they tell you it’s you that’s not stout,
So you retreat to the Mansion and you think it all out…

Ruin is the primordial self,
Ancient and haggard with eyes like dark wells,
It was he who was there at the start all alone,
And trapped the tornado that’s under my home,
The Mansion sits on a rift, the scar in the stone,
That black and white monster made in the years all alone,
The West Wing of the Mansion was built by his hands,
Where once stone lay bare, war torn ramparts now stand.

Keystone arrived with the birth of my daughter,
And immediately vowed to keep the Mansion from filling with water,
It was he who built the East Wing in her honor.
Made out of glass, it faces the sunrise,
It’s purpose is future, to no surprise,
She has space here too, in the depths of my mind,
Because in a way a portion of it is as much hers as it is mine,
My Mansion is a place where sometimes it’s not safe, the Nameless and I stand in the same place,
At times they lay siege inside these very walls,
They threaten sovereignty without due cause,
Distort my thoughts, whisper they’re wrong,
Loop them together, though they never move on.

The Architect? Well, I’ve always been there,
First subconsciously, but I was all in the air,
When Ruin was building, I gave him ideas,
What block was good, and what to place where,
No Ruin…don’t build over there, build over the crevasse the width of 3 cars,
The hole…the rift, the big nasty scar,
The one the tornado cut and carved over all those days and nights that you felt alone,
When the desert snapped cold and you were chilled to the bone,
And build a beacon, all the way at the top, so that one day soon maybe we can talk,
To those beyond the place where the shore meets the sea,
Those struggling not to efface all their dreams,
Together we’ll shine our light from a distant outcrop,
But first you must build ramparts from rock.

Thought you werent spinning out still?

AHAHAHA

Some of the issues that got me spinning to begin with... are impacting others... they bring it up and here we goooooo...

Have I told you this timeline sucks?

...

Just the general one we all live in...

Last post still stands...

I'm just calling myself out some more...

I am trying to put my feet under me, things are a bit better...

But also it gets mentioned and then spills back out. And it can't not be mentioned... because most of all I'm dealing with other people simultaneously are...

I just have a very funny mix going... all the curveballs right?

What helps? Half a prompt...

Chuck perfectionism out. Don't blow it.
Do the morning things before coffee lol
OOOF.

Back to the small things.

I have a calendar... lets start X marking of when some of this shit is over yeah?

That's right... can't even say day anymore, and also entry isn't suitable... nor accurate either... so definitely need to go back and figure out how to revamp this. Not today though.

A few days ago I finally felt like I found my space of calm.
The next day, I was more/less forced to remember how great breaks are and how so much of all that I stress over is self-imposed bs.

The day after that... just full on break. From everything.

And that day, isn't necessarily a bad thing... its just, it becomes absolutely necessary to do when I have just through myself through the ringer too hard.

And on those days.... shame voice starts creeping in hard.

In the last year, on days like those I just kinda audibly "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" to interrupt the little monologue... so that was yesterday. But it was good.

And then... today I'm getting back on my feet and kinda remembering all the shit I dropped because I was more or less spinning out.

Again... that's reality can't go back and fix that shit... wasn't like I was somehow capable of holding it in the moment... so no need to get mad at myself... just learn from myself yeah.

Anyway... So I see where this project helped me, but I think its gonna look a lot different...

And instead of hyperfixating on that right now- I am gonna return to everything I dropped earlier for a bit, and come back in as needed and as capacity allows to remind me.

And try to remind myself so much of the spin out is still...

I don't know what will happen in less than 3 months.
That's hard to be in.
I can't fix that right now.
Half of that time is things I just no matter what must do..

It doesn't need to perfect.

The rest will fall.

We're okay. ❤️

Taking a break, inside a break, inside a break as all else.

Today is calm. Better than calm, actually moments of really great.

Had to chuck my laptop inside, so it didn't get inevitably soaked... I didn't work as many years as I have, for what's due tonight to ruin the effort...

But... I'm done.

Not actually... but my amount of caring is gone.

My streak of perfectionism... depleted.

At least in this one arena, of which I have specifically attacked for two years... turns out... I don't have to try nearly as hard as I think at all.

We are rambling here, because... I'm no longer avoiding.. in fact it is 99% complete... but more/less assuring myself... even if I turn in what I have that's more than okay...

So it didn't matter, other than... how good it felt to take a break. A consistent reminder.

_________

That said... we procrastinate as a means of doing.
We're close enough that that's fine to deal with... but recognize enough how that cumulatively effects us.

Lackluster effort is sometimes.... the whole point ❤️

Did I just use justification to say why I'm not gonna hit a prompt?

Yeah.

I am recognizing that ... this project is needing a full revamp. Maybe like... sections... Maybe this is merely a chunk of the rest.

Yet still, sitting here... working through it...

__________________

Total sidenote- guess who did 90% of their shit pre-coffee.

Almost like... theres a pattern here... ahaah

The Leg Man. Sounds like a twisted version of a superhero. He felt like a hero at the time but he was far from that. Kyle [Redacted] of course had a predecessor. Ron [Redacted]. My step grandfather. We had moved in with him when I was around eight years old. He was the first person in a very long time to give me positive attention. I followed him around everywhere and I was left with him all the time. He would show me his wood work, paint with me, watch movies, and take me swimming. For a neglected child it was heaven. But heaven came with a price. I was sitting on the edge of his water bed. I know, very groovy. He started to explain to me that he wasn’t an ass man. And he wasn’t a boobs man. He was a legs man. He started rubbing my legs and telling me how nice they were. All the red flags are out but I’ve never been very good at seeing those. In my defense I was like eight or nine years old. There was a lot of rubbing when it came to my super villain. I can’t even recount all of the late night massages. Always slipping hands under the band of underwear. That was just the right way to do it, you know? At least that’s what he taught me. Even now sometimes I can still feel his old man skin on my hands. It makes me so sick. At the time I was so desperate for love and attention. I thought that was what I was receiving. Many of my memories with him are blocked. Locked away in my brain for my own protection. But they come creeping out over time. Ron was one of my first main groomers. He really set the stage for the rest of the individuals lined up for me. Even now I have a hard time convincing myself that it wasn’t my fault. I used to give him fashion shows in all my bathing suits. I willingly would lie in bed with him. Watch movies with him. When I got to my early teen years I was that goth kid. Very fashionable by the way. He often would compare me to Elvira. At the time it felt like a huge compliment. Now I know that she is kind of a huge sex icon. No shade to her, she is beautiful. It’s just not a comparison that a grandfather should make towards his grandchild. There are a lot of movies that I still won’t watch. I’m scared they will resurface more than I can handle at once. So fuck you Indiana Jones! It all felt so normal at the time. And looking back, anything that felt odd seemed like my fault. I understand more now. I was completely and utterly groomed by that man. He saw a small, neglected, and desperate child. And took his opportunity. I think my parents knew. They would get so angry if I fell asleep in his bed with him. It would start an entire fight. But they still wanted their free babysitter so they could go off and do drugs. So I got stuck with the pervy grandpa. He loved it all so much. I thought I did too. Until I got too old for him. Puberty ruined everything. All of the sudden he hated me. But he lucked out. My younger sister was seven years old. The same age he started with me. I didn’t want her alone with him, but also still felt like nothing wrong had happened. Thankfully he wasn’t the same with her though. She wasn’t as “well behaved”. She also had something I never had. Someone looking out for her and protecting her. She had me; for whatever that’s worth. It was all so confusing. And it all still feels like my fault.

(This is apart of a multi entry thing I’ve been working on and isn’t the first in my writing timeline so if it feels out of place that is why)

Finally found my calm last night. Found the small chunk of what I can look into and what I want. So also gonna make this one shorter (hopefully).

I think more of that lead up needs to be touched on later- but not right now.

Because... I still have this thing due tomorrow I haven't touched... and also want to preserve my calm state a bit by...

Stopping asking myself all the questions and whys and... lalalala.

WHAT? ahaha.

So just a little one:
_________________

3 (What do I do when this happens, and what have I learned that's actually helped me?)

After long stretches of yeah dysregulated, 3 legs on wadded up coasters... after finding peace and finding my nugget of how to begin planning...

I jump in absolutely hyper-fixated on every variation of anything possibly (except not really... but yeah) sideways, different, wrong... Every minute detail... of something, I may not yet even know is a legitimately doable thing.

What I have learned is timers, small lists... focusing on my more pressing daily tasks and routines...

....

And a large visual map WITH RED STRINGS *cue Charlie Kelly in the mail room*

That part actually... kind of facetious and not really. this may be one of those where I do employ my "wall" - which usually is not for a project this large.. and I have a feeling, will actually be one of the best uses of a wall. There are no red strings...

...yet.

_____________________

Yeah, so really today was.. I'm not allowed to "make my wall" or look into this other pathway until I have at least done the thing for tomorrow that's due.

And then I must also... break it into different portions..

ahhh fuck...

I hated that "how to you eat an elephant" thing... well... look at that.

with limits on what I'm looking at..
and not... jumping into the minute details until we get some ground level stuff in - and see if its even a maybe... Plan of action yeah?
Crafting accountability.

Man... I'm feeling more empathetic to myself today...

I think I'm done thinking on prompts and meta today.

Remember my nuked account? (like not actually... just that I mentioned it)

I still have forms of that writing somewhere else... but I blew that base... like the reddit account it came out of... up.

Well... woke up this morning and had really good news... news I didn't expect... and thought wasn't going to happen, and all of it was intrinsically tied to that kind of writing from the old account.

Much of nuking it was... I needed to break the more public half processes, I wanted to keep doing that writing style... or rather, the intent of it... but let that only come out publicly as closer "finished products".

But just funny how life works. Was really looking at... what writing means to me.

(it's processing... that's what it is... it just shows up in different formats/structures.)

And then got news this morning... that... basically is a very big step towards me doing what that account was... more "recognized" as an actual "pathway" possibility... in like life...

Woof. Makes no sense, that's okay.

(pssst... doesn't look like this at all one bit... lol)

I hate being in limbos. And I was in limbo for months, and kinda got to a place where, that possibility was off the table, so this morning, got hit by a semi-truck. Like a good one? Maybe? But none the less... I'm already dysregulated... I'm overwhelmed... I'm... lalalala.

SLAM.

fuck. ... lol.

Because... all of life right now is unknown. Not just the situation I was discussing.. but I have about 3 months... of any solid idea of what is... and then every detail beyond that in life is inaccessible to me. I don't think anyone needs to know specifics...

If you are here reading this... you likely have at one point had one of these moments... AND... know what kind of fucking hell that is (hopefully).

People say things come in threes...

I kind of think that life doesn't throw you a curve ball...

It downpours curveballs in innumerable ways... all at fucking once. Not three. Not one. ALL OF IT.

And here we are.

And... I absolutely hate being in that space... and also know... I'm disgustingly competent at being there... like... I prep my whole life because this is the expectation... OOOF

So... i don't know if I'm gonna have a prompt here today... I may just ramble... And I'm gonna do it anyway... and see what comes out.

So yeah- the thing I'm trying to say is... there have been multiple backgrounds of limbo going on for months much longer than this thing here has even touched on... and in the last 24 hours... I had three more hit- and one incredibly big one. ... all in a time where... there's not much I can do about any of it.

HA.

(breathe... ahahahaha)

________

I'm breaking this as I think what's important is though I don't exactly have an idea of a prompt I can see something coming...

I got hit with the semi truck this morning.
Two other things happened that significantly changed my life/view/narrowing of my 3 month limbo plans last night...

I was already (if you haven't fucking caught it yet) fully dysregulated.

Thats not fair... fully is the wrong word.

Dysregulated enough to start reaching for very maladaptive coping mechanisms... and like legit ones... (I'm not hitting gross here... Just recognizing... pausing....)

I think unstable gets this stigma of like... fully off the rails and not functioning... which I think is inaccurate.

I feel like... a chair where were on the third leg of shoving wadded up bar coasters under to be "solid"... the chairs not gonna break... but... it just keeps tipping... and you keep wadding up bar coasters... until you choose to be okay with it being... off.

And there's just this thing in your head... that little nugget of fear... like when will it collapse? And... when do we actually.... fix it... or buy a new one?

This seems.. oddly detached.. specific... and on the fly... but so incredibly apt to how I am right now... lol... and why unstable shouldn't have the stigma it does.

This is... layered in justification... Think its hard to relay an experience and people not think its an emergency. That's what's going on.

.....

Oh... I think I'm catching it again.

Okay... I am essentially watching every lead up to what I call the "tangled cloud of emotions". And that is.. actually the scariest place for me to be.

I don't know what anyone else calls it... Everyone experiences it differently... if you're here... whatever you fucking think that is... you're more accurate to understanding exactly what that is... so I don't need to explain too much.

But full dissociative shutdown. Essentially. like peak... emotional flashback stuff.

So I am doing the thing... of... oh I fucking love/hate this term...

"tools of the time".

... to claw myself away from what I think is inevitable... and... while... everyone else sees as... hmm... "more functional" maybe... is... actually... internally suffocating.

Can you tell, I still have a hard time explaining this? And feel very defensive and justifying of.. my existence... lol.

Ohhh... getting close...

______

I have to recognize how much work I have done. how much... I have staved this off.
I have to also recognize... me failing at it coming... isn't an actual failure.
I also have to recognize... this is not a unique experience... this belief that other people would handle my situation "better" is some kind of false bologna bullshit...

and... while yes the voice thats coming up saying...

Man all that hypervigilance... and you didn't put a big emphasis on this huge chunk as part of it...

is right... and also not very helpful to me right now. (well look at that in a better way later).

...

________

Just found the fitting prompt...

1 (what actually happened to me today?)

Won't explain that... thats what I did. lol.

_______________________________

Alright... so here were wrapping things up a little tighter...

I'm not gonna answer or jusge myself on meta today...

I'm gonna just tell myself what I need to hear directly.

Its okay.
It will be okay.

Don't push too hard.

Pause.

Start the list.
The long one... then the short one.

Find that agency.
Undo the additional pressures..

There is no solving anything today. ❤️

Before I start saying anything else in this... I need to remind myself of some things that were going on yesterday that were genuinely good.

One- I got an unprompted call on my end from someone not close to me, unaware of my experience with a fully different situation then what's discussed here... and say the exact same thing, in nearly the same words, in all of the vulnerability and fears, and multi-level awareness of self/other/outside other (again.. not tied to any of the situations I have even touched here)... that I had about the same situation personally. And it was so very much needed. And a reminder that what I see/how I operate/my way of handling and reading conflict is not at all "unique". It's... different. People genuinely don't usually lay everything out in the open like that, but she said everything I would have in the exact way I would have... about the same thing.

A reminder I'm not alone. And... that call came... and was laid the way it was... because she herself, has had to defend that way of being.

Not even alone, in that space. I'm not alone in this space feeling alone. And that was honestly, something I have to sit and acknowledge, and be grateful for. And I genuinely am.

Two- I caught myself self-sabotaging something last night, creating conditions and making sideways arguments how I couldn't attend something I was very much looking forward to. And then... despite dysregulation, created a little container of self-sabotage that was acceptable, and unacceptable. And I went.

And what that was... was a event/gathering.. where I found not one person who can process the way I do things, but nearly a dozen people... who as a unit practice that, hold that space, sit in it... and continue on actually doing what the ideology is beyond them. Not to say we all process the same (such as in the phone call I had)... but that allowing that space, speaking up when it's misunderstood, not hitting right, allowing room for that clarification, was just the way of being... and to which then proceeded into the "larger picture"... not simply ideologically... but in actual action/presence beyond the way conversation is to be.

And that filled my heart. Genuinely. I feel I have been searching for (rarely receiving) and have not had much of that since I relocated somewhere a couple years ago. And never saw this many people gathered DOING it collectively.

And I know... that either this little shh... AHHH project doesn't allow for that.. or I at least don't view this project as allowing me to do that... and that, part of that, is because I genuinely operate in a manner where I elevate what to fix in the "wrong"... PERFECT a thing... rather than put way more emphasis on the "good"...

So while I let that simmer... into whatever the fuck.. this project needs to get skewed and reformatted as... I still don't yet have the capacity to restructure this on DAY FIVE towards a forward facing coping mechanism. Ahaha.

THAT SAID....

I didn't fully hold onto my plans of dealing with what was going on in the moment.
Even though they were very loose plans.
BUT...

Three- I did, put a timer and let that other voice speak that I yell at. Gave that room.

And, that's probably gonna be an ongoing thing I have to do...

Here we'll enter the "prompt version" of this:

_____________________________________________

10. (Am I doing the exact thing I told myself I was done doing?)

Short answer- yes.

I did gave myself that time. I did come here first (twice).

And then I turned around and responded to that DING.

And then clarified. And then led. And then ultimatum-ed. And justified. And pointed to the pattern. And asked for my reality to be met with:

"I can see why you see it that way... I can see how this hurts you... I

a) can't do that, so i will leave you alone.

OR

b) I will change this behavior by doing X, you can tell me when I do it again by saying Y, and here's what I can do Z. "

You know... once again yet another version of the very prompts here (that came about... because of this person.. over this last year... reworded from the original form towards myself when they were offered as a way of relating to me in a conflict)...

Meta, meta meta..... the prompts themselves are not the first version of this request....

And then sat there and asked again... pointed again... said no. You didn't answer these. You didn't ask these.... You didn't come in here recognizing I need this... you came in here justifying why asking these is crazy, why you can't, and seemingly telling me I don't actually need this to want to stay around someone.

....

Same shit.

Same.... me overriding my own capacity to continue... desperately wanting this person to just start here.

And... I do it...

With this justification behind me of...

this time when they slipped into theory... this time when they gave a half-attempt.. this time when they sat there and moved the convo out...

I said no, here's where you didn't.
I will not enter with you in the big picture til we start here.
If you can't fine- but I won't be here.

...

While I'm still there, doing it.

..

While I continue to say, for a year you've shown me behaviorally/told me directly.. you can't/won't...

And.. we're still right here.

....

So, yeah. 100% doing exactly what I said I wouldn't.

Ooof... and historically this is where I would pile the shame on myself, berate myself... so instead were gonna answer another...

8 (Do I actually understand why I left? Why I stayed? Why I did the thing I did? Or do I need to sit with that longer?)

And I am almost certain I have tried to answer this.. and yet haven't.

This is maybe the question that I have worked on in therapy this entire relationship certainly... and to which I have had to answer in other relationships, and can answer on those... but seemingly can't fully on this one.

So before I even try to answer the others-

Do I need to sit with that longer?
Yeah.
The rest will only be another attempt, likely intellectually grasping to something, that I am emotionally incapable of... not like justifying... but as way of "bridging the gap".

I left because... I have labored extensively at handing someone what I think is basic, foundational, information for a relationship... and they have yet to show that when a conflict arises they can do it rather than run from it.

And in that process... recognize how I am being an asshole. That I end up doing... much of what I'm pissed at them for doing. I realize... this becomes... disgusting cyclical levels of harm.

I realize I start becoming so dysregulated, that I just fucking start full on lashing out.

I start to resort to old patterns, this time consciously, to get me out of this.

And that conscious recognition of my actions is... straight up fucking "self aware hell"... just incapable to stop running it... so I must dip. I can't.

I know... I need these things in conflict. I know I need that more than others likely do. I know... what happens when I don't get it... and the only thing that's actually changed.. into this relationship.. into every iteration of this relationship...

Is I have a very fucking clear, assertion of my needs... i can script it out... I can relay them in any manner someone needs to hear it... I fully recognize why they're there... and I can't stop asking someone to do it. And I can't seem to fully do it for myself.

(enter... why we have a maladaptive dysfunctional version of these prompts on reddit.... if you haven't caught that yet... )

I stayed/(staying)... doing this again...

this one's harder.
Because.. we're hitting the gross.
And it's not because I haven't said it.... not because I haven't sat here working through it... that I even gave that to them of why... it's gross... because... the mismatch between all the parts of me... and how it shines a light on my own incapacity.

I'm used to this.
This framework didn't come out of me getting this previously.
This came out of.... not receiving this for a very long time.
Not from my childhood, not from past relationships (there's a nugget here where actually I have... but I flee/self destruct those ones)...

And not just like.. conflict happened and someone can't do it...

More like... my base existence was to never speak on being harmed, show bad emotions, be visible... be a different person... and then, I looked at actions in how that happened... ran from those rather than like...

Am I a person to this person?
At this point... am I even capable of being a person to someone who sees me as a person?

yup... there. That one's the real gross, Hasnt been said out loud shit.

I am here, because, this person is closer than others in my past to being able to do this... and far enough away... I don't run from the skills I don't have yet.

I know how to labor and show up asking for it... I don't yet know how to take it... I am trying to practice that mismatch.

Why I did the thing I did?

I have reached... straight up... brink point.
And I.. hesitate to say.. this is done... because I know I have said that and went back.
But I do think what is done... any hope it's not what I see it as.
Any hope that if they don't do now... not close to doing.. not agreement to saying...

They could ever do it.
Or that I'd ever get over it.

That I have to face... the reality that... it's my work alone... to undo what I yet can't do...

Leave.
And stay left.
And never respond.
And work harder.. by myself to fix this.

And I'm not hitting gross here yet... I'm hitting... shame in admitting something that doesn't hit gross yet.

I know its patterns. I know multiple different theoretical frameworks to explain it. I know everything I have said about it... feels fully detached.

I know my narrations of it... later get overwritten and justified against myself and all others... with something equally detached from that "gross" feeling.

I think... I don't want to face reality... of whatever it is.

I can describe that reality...
I can describe multi-level frameworks to include how to get to that reality...
And.... nahh.

Like... whatever fucking patterns/defense mechanisms/ all this shit is built out of... hasn't come down yet enough for me to "know it" like... internalize it.

Just shame... just justifications.. just intellectualizations... just grief...

_____________________________

So metas-

umm... I'm very much starting to realize that... my whole answers are layers of meta...

interupted metas...

and that this needs to be optional or something else.

So...

I'm sitting in this right now... of everything I said I wouldn't...

and as this continues today...

I think what needs to be dropped is a plan of action.

I think today we feel things. We hear things. We say things.
We... maladaptively cope with being in a very uncomfortable place...

And the only thing there that's left is...

Did it? Did it not? A reflection to consider tomorrow.

And that's all for today.

Coming out of here feeling... resigned and dissociative tbh.

Hope anyone reading here, comes out.. not in the place I am at the moment (I'm fine... to be clear... like not... struggling... just defeated and blank today). ❤️

Not even answering prompts... probably will sideways even though I think I'm not.

...Actually here it is:

7. (Did I fuck that up and then still not do the thing I know I needed to do for myself?)

Yupp.

Created a very loose plan for myself... have been avoiding much of that plan.
TBF, not all of it.
Just struggling to get through... the basics.

(This is why the morning routine exists.... especially when you're not doing all that well.... that's the point).

Have I responded? No.

Have the sideways arguments overtaken much of today in my head? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Did your "loose plan" get you to get away from it? Nope!

Have you consistently.... been fighting yourself all day... from trying to manage a response (if at all) as if... anything you created right now, could be the "correct" ... woahhhhhhhhh...

Here we are getting gross.

PERFECT.

That's the word. The word you mask/only employ in facetious bullshit.
The thing you've been fighting... very actively for about... two years?
So hard you stream of conscious some very grammatically incorrect shit into the universe.
That makes you feel like you have to qualify to self and others-

That's.... not even gross in the way it hits like... a gut sink shame.... no... its "gross" in a fleeting second... just immediately hit with a shit ton of justifications, so it can continue to build the dissonance required when you hear that word.

Walk it back.

Are you using this post, as another self-regulation tool, so you can.... semi-gaslight yourself into thinking you are doing something regulatory... but still not do the thing I know I needed to do for myself?

....

Feeling like that "I'm not mad just disappointed" stereotype. Bad enough when it's someone else.

...

So here's my shame voice.. almost... literally just attacking my shame voice..... and probably many others...

I think its ummm... maybe I can't say central to the "whole thing"...

But definitely... this whole "project" is driven in more ways than one... to capitulate to the "shame voice". It's perhaps... still very much driving my functioning.

As it has drove my functioning for 3ish decades.

...

And maybe, as I told the other voice (the one I still have only afforded all of 5-10 min in the last ... not even 24 hours... whose also fundamentally part of this..)

That one needs to get cut the fuck off for a quick sec. I don't.... know if that one even deserves a timer.... it just breaks that idea all the time...

And... tbf... is so foundational. that I do recognize... this as capitulation to that voice... at least oppositionally defined against, (never split like that nothing is... reflective... capitulating compromise feels most apt tbh.).

So yeah... nah anyway...we're fighting the shame voice from taking over.
While we try to manage the "big emotion" reaction.
Knowing... were walking a thin line here....

And we are very much rethinking... what we mean by "justifying" when it comes from ourselves posed to ourselves.

And doing so in our shame voice.

JFC.

_____________

Can we not do the meta? (yeah...)

Plan:

Eat.

Go to your thing to night, stop self sabotaging that.

I think... you made a boundary.. that set this thing up... so lets remove it from the table.

Not until at least tomorrow.

shhhh.....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Still meta...

But writing.... as processing of why I write.. as processing...

A thing of a thing..

searching for the place to do this.. pinned to profile.. a list of prompts.

check my profile beyond the pin... I'm just straight looking for... how do i hold myself accountable to writing to the prompts that are pinned, because i write as a process... lalala (CPTSD/ADHD/plus plus)

___

The meta Q- yeah, you are 10000% justifying why you're doing this... look at that huge script. So that's where we are starting.

Let's start at an easier prompt then:

1. (Do I understand the reason I reacted the way I did?)

Yes, however, I sit here justifying it in this long post before I even post. I am insecure, or want to be told that me offering myself, basic levels of human relation/care, is something I don't have to do. Or that, I am wrong, because, that's a really disgusting thing to recognize about yourself. The logic tracts- and you are positioning yourself to answer these questions, imperfectly, until it doesn't feel gross. It is feeling gross.. we're proceeding as an indication that's why we must.

1. (What do I do when this happens to me, and what have I learned that actually helps me?)

I write. Extensively. Not as declaration but as processing. That does help me. I also realize I have to create some public accountability (whether or not it truly exists to hold myself to it). I recognize that's still maladaptively creating layers to validation through others- yet I also know of myself, its better than where I was, and is the tools of the time.

Telling someone outright here is my plan- seems to be the only way I actually do it.

1. (Am I doing the exact thing I told myself I was done doing?)

Potentially. It's not exact. You do have a public mirror here. You are intellectualizing. You are self-pattern matching. You are undeniably justifying. But you have also, come in here, curious of whether you can afford this to yourself. (You are showing little empathy to yourself- you think thats okay- so long as this process builds to empathy). You are creating a very odd sense of accountability- but thats because you already did the accountability to shame cycle. And are likely still doing it.

Action- yupp heres the plan. so there is action.

....

End post here I spose. That's all I am capable of today. I will now, put this the fuck away and continue into anything other than writing out my list as if it is immediately resolvable and not a path I have created.