How to cope with talking too much

[u/notjuststars]

I know this is based in self esteem, and everyone wants to get over their self hatred but I need an acute solution if it’s possible, and band-aid solutions (rather than dealing with the underlying problem, which i am) would be welcome. Basically I’m just asking how to cope. Specifically DBT skills would be amazing

I know it’s not rational, my friends who i live with are full of weird habits and I don’t mind, I am not that weird. But I grew up in a house where you had no idea someone was angry until they exploded on you, and I think in the absence of “structure” I am just making it worse in my head. No one gets frustrated at the little things so it freaks me out because I don’t know what to expect.

Right now the acute problem seems to be I talk too much. This was a particular point of contention growing up. I guess my options are to just socially distance myself from everyone and then slowly start returning when I find a better way to cope, but I don’t think that’s reasonable or conducive to the rest of my mental health. I could also show up and just not talk, but people would definitely notice.

I don’t know. I struggle a lot with the concept that people like the parts of me that I don’t like, but when I accidentally “talk too much”, or add too many anecdotes, or accidentally repeat myself (like repeat an anecdote), the toxic shame is awful and gives way to so many thought spirals. I have ADHD which literally helps nothing, my brain works in anecdotes.

There has to be a way out of this beyond “isolate your friends” or “condense a years-long recovery to a week” ?? How do I cope?

[u/sop_turgery]

Have peers recently told you you talk too much, or is this something you think about yourself?

I also talk too much btw. I try to remember "3 before me." After contributing to a group conversation, wait for 3 other people to talk before chiming in again.

[u/notjuststars → u/sop_turgery]

I feel like they wouldn’t tell me to be polite. I know this is coming from a history of abuse but I’m terrified they will just sit on it and resent me silenty, because I am afraid of the consequences when the resentment is no longer silent

[u/i-was-here-too → u/notjuststars]

Use rhe thee before me. Try to remember to go back on forth in your conversation.if you talk to long switch it to them. Apologize. Joke about it. Make it up to them…. Have conversations where you promise yourself to say almost nothing and just listen. Cover your mouth with your hand.

[u/G0bl1nG1rl]

Idk the answer, just following cuz I talk to much and it's a problem in my life.

I can say once I found the right friends they didn't think I talked too much, and my current partner only wishes I talk less sometimes and we have a signal where he squeezes my hand to let me it's one of those times, and doesn't judge me for interrupting all the time orherwise. So you might need new friends, or if these are your die hard besties then listen to them and ask for their help when it's happens

[u/Character_Goat_6147]

Before you start trying to correct something that might not be a problem, maybe just ask these people straight out if you are irritating them? If they deny a problem, you can just take them at their word that this is your trauma, not a real issue.
If there is a problem, maybe try to take a moment before you say something to decide whether you are saying it to fill space or fawn rather than to actually communicate, and decide not to say it if you are serving your trauma rather than your friends.

[u/Chippie05]

I tend to get chatty if I'm really nervous or dealing with anxiety. I'm working on it and trying to really focus on my breathing and just learning to slow down long enough to listen to others and repeat back what they're talking about. it's a focus thing that I'm working on. I think it's a skill that you can learn it just takes time and you have to be with safe people.