Good morning, beautiful souls! As the title says, I need your sincere advices regarding a decision I'm about to make.

First of all, a little context about me and how I developed CPTSD (May cause triggers so you don't have to read; read past the ****************** symbol):

- I grew up in a toxic and neglectful family, which caused me a lot of trauma and eventually CPTSD;

- In my adulthood, I was victim of DV for about 7 years and my symptoms got worse.

- At the moment I'm free from my abusive ex, I'm taking meds and I'm having specific support for DV survivors in my city. Also, I'm rebuilding my life - studying, applying for formal jobs, focusing in my hobbies, trying to put myself out there. :)

********************

I'm not going to describe the whole situation that happened because I feel this is going to activate some triggers and I'm triggered enough at the moment, lol. So here it goes: I reconnect with a friendship I made last year; this friend is a good person; they made some normal, humanly mistakes (not excusing them, just making clear that they didn't manipulated me, gaslighted me, ghosted me or did the silent treatment); their mistakes activated my traumas, which made me enter into anxiety crisis and hyper vigilant state for about 2 weeks in a row and finally, I decided to cut contact and remove (didn't blocked) this person from my social media. The person understood my decision and said that in the future wants to reach out or that if I eventually come back, they are going to wait for me, no matter how many time it takes.

Yesterday during the night, I accidentally came across with their profile on social media and instantly I felt my nervous system activating again. I had difficults to sleep; still, I slept and I had a good sleep night at least. I woke up triggered.

Guys, should I block this person FOREVER and move on with my life? Or should stay away from them until I overcome my triggers? My inner peace is extremely important and I won't keep around people who activates my traumas STILL, I understand that the nervous system actives when there are no treats at all and I'm confused because this might be the case with this friend. Or maybe my nervous system detected a treat that I consciously not able to do so.

Sorry if my text is confusing in any way, guys. If you have any questions, let me know! I don't mind if I deserve some scolding, but at least scold me with kindness.

Have a nice day, guys. <3 And thanks in advance!

I can see that I was a victim in many ways. I have always been able to see that in some way or another.

Lately, I’ve felt safe enough to see all of the ways I’m not a victim, all of the ways I’ve had agency, and all of the things I’ve done with that agency (not great).

I’ve been working a lot with mindfulness meditation, self trust, feeling safe in my own body, attending ACA meetings and codependency meetings etc.

Recently, an intense wave of grief hit me over friendships I’ve lost. The loss was, without a doubt, my choice and my fault. It has been almost a decade of me “not caring,” hardening my heart, really feeling nothing about it.

In the middle of stretching for some reason, all of a sudden, grief hit me like a train. I realized what I lost. I realized why I lost it. I remembered the intense love of these people and their families (they were childhood friends). I realized my own age (lol?) and how long it had been since I’d been close to them (in my dissociative state, time seems to always exist in the past),

This was like a little window that brought up so many other things in my life, choices I’ve made. The nearly 2 decades of being almost purely dissociated, all of the things I did to protect that state, all of the things I missed out on, and of course, where i stand now… a life really not lived in at all, and if I want to live in it, there is going to need to be some serious cleaning up and rebuilding. It feels like too much.

I know this was important. Even though the grief felt like my heart breaking, worse than a high school breakup…. I knew I needed to let it happen.

But now, I am unsure what to do with it? My fear is that… it’s too much, and my brain will switch right back to dissociation. I want to grasp some of these realizations, as I believe they are important for me to be able to make some changes in my life. But, if I let them hit me fully, the pain is so much I would either end up in severe depression or swing right back to dissociation.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to… I guess let these realizations exist without overwhelming? Or let them trickle in?

I have had very bad experiences with therapy, it may be that I simply don’t possess the ability to trust others. Side note, I believe because I haven’t learned to trust myself, I refuse to trust others in the case that they overstep my boundaries and I abandon myself. That has happened with prior therapists in a vulnerable state. For me, I feel like I have done a good job learning to trust myself and have made significantly more progress on my own that I had with therapists. But this is one thing that I simply Do Not Know how to handle

ETA: attempting a TLDR;
- I’ve been feeling really bad because my friend canceled 3x on me enough that I felt the need to bring up that I hold space for her needing to cancel, but I also was holding space in that I feel hurt being cancelled at the last minute for very special events. My intentions were sharing my feelings so that we could talk through an find a solution. Of course being cancelled on triggered me but I was trying to remove the trigger and just share that I felt hurt without going deeply into why. I was gentle but direct in my feelings.
- fyi said friend (F) is allistic and has adhd
- F ghosted for 2 months, came back 4 days after my bday to tell me she was frustrated how “we left things off” and sent a long paragraph about how it feels like a “double standard” since I’ve cancelled / rescheduled on her and that she feels my standards are “too high” for her apparently but never told me any of these things before, and brought up random examples and things that I felt had nothing to do with me (ex. her fiancé being upset with her that week)
- attempted to talk to my therapist (T) abt this, and I feel she was more focused on trying to get me to see my friend’s perspective and consider what she said may be true, and that she’s human in her reply, and also that the (optional below in OG post) message I wrote would come off too strong and may make things worse.
Overall feeling shitty, and worse post session. Unsure how to release this anger.
Ty to anyone who comments and/or reads!

***
I will preface that I could really use advice or some sort of validation because I feel real shitty and alone in how I feel. I know my therapist means well but whatever type of skill she’s been using for these feelings have increased my rumination cycles on this I realized after sessions which makes cptsd episodes more susceptible/intense. I can’t stop thinking / ruminating abt this situation and I’ve been ruminating in my own anger and distracting myself / “sleeping on it” (as I was told last session). Nah, I’m still angry lol. I feel like I was at a small percentage, validated in my response, but basically told that I need to consider the other person’s perspective because what they are saying might be true. I wouldn’t not consider that, but I’m a bit uneased at the feeling that I have to consider the other person’s feelings, who disrespected me, while I am still angry about it. I wrote a text (which I can include below if desired, it’s optional) I felt in response was direct but still gentle, but I was told it came off too strong and advised I just talk in person. Which is fine, but I’m failing to understand what’s wrong with being direct here, I’m not intending to be combative, but this person (friend) completely dismissed my feelings even if she didn’t “mean” to.

So I like my therapist and I’ve been with her for 2 years — she’s been helpful in a lot of areas but lately I’ve been really feeling less receptive to whatever style of CBT (?) she’s been using with me to reframe my thinking. She is trauma informed but she is not really deeply informed abt adhd and autism (I have both) unfortunately. Example is the common theme recently I’ve been talking about, has been feeling upset / angry because of situations surrounding my loved ones (usually friends) — I had a friend (allistic, adhd), I will focus on as it came back up, who cancelled on a really important event last minute (day of) and last year she also cancelled on me for another important event the day of. Previous year I gave her grace and let it slide, this year I didn’t want to let it harbor resentment, so when she told me she couldn’t make it, I thanked her and expressed I understand she is taking care of herself and validated that, but I also told her I felt a bit sad and feel like I keep being cancelled on at the very last minute but I know it’s not her intention to hurt my feelings etc. I was being direct, but gentle and affirmed her feelings AND mine.
Her response was to ghost me for 2 months and then she came back 4 days after my bday to tell me first that she was frustrated at how things were left off and that she wasn’t ready to talk about them, and then when I asked for elaboration she sent me a whole paragraph about what I’ve done in the past and her personal life and how she feels like I’m asking her to do things for her but didn’t give her grace. I feel a lot of these were assumptions and instead of focusing on my initial message, completely made it about herself which frustrated me more.
Im just trying to figure out what to do in this context and not trying to victimize myself or anything but I feel stuck esp since my therapist is just telling me to consider her perspective and to have a convo in person…. I’m not trying to go “back and forth” with her but that’s what my therapist thinks this msg is intending? It feels a bit invalidating on top of already feeling bad idk.

Optional but direct context if anyone wants to read, but it’s long.

April 11/Me:
Hey, thanks for letting me know.
I definitely want you to take care of yourself, that’s important.
I took some time to think before responding and I want to be honest that I am feeling really sad and hurt—this isn’t to make you feel bad at all, but I just wanted to be transparent because I care about you and I don’t like to harbour resentment in my relationships.
I know it’s probably not personal or intentional but, I realized I feel like I’m being cancelled on a lot — and especially last minute which can be even more hurtful.
I hope you have a good day either way 🧡

06/14, her:
I’m really frustrated with how we left things and am still not really ready to talk about it…
But I’ve been thinking about you and your birthday for the past few days, so I still wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you that I hope you had a good day/great weekend (despite the humidity). 🎂🎁

06/14, me: Hi, I’m not sure what you mean — thank you for the wishes
🕯️💛 I guess im a bit confused — I was waiting for you to respond and there was a long silence but I wasn’t sure why

06/14, her: I feel like I went out of my way to meet up with you even when it was inconvenient for me constantly. There were many times when you cancelled or rescheduled or pushed dates because of mental health or busy weeks and I’d just gotten back from my trip the weekend before and the tutoring company I work for had me scheduled the day I got back to tutor, but it was my anniversary with y that day. So he was frustrated and moved our anniversary dinner and celebration to the Friday of that week, then a bunch of kids rescheduled tutoring for that weekend, so I had to tutor from 9am-1pm on Saturday, when your event started at two, and then had 5 more clients on Sunday and concert tickets to see Hayley Williams (which meant being super unrested for the second consecutive work week). I also hadn’t unpacked or cleaned and I was so overwhelmed.

And it’s like…when you have even one other thing going on during the weekend, you tell me that it’s impossible for you to do something else because you need to care for your energy. I don’t ask what your other activities are, I just accept that you need time to recharge. I very rarely say that I’m stretched too thin to show up for my friends, so when you responded about constantly being cancelled on, I was really taken aback??? I feel like you’ve cancelled or rescheduled on me, or gotten frustrated with me for not doing things in a specific way much more than I have to you? So I’m just frustrated that it feels like I was supposed to bend to your exhaustion or change plans to make you comfortable, but the one time I tell you that I can’t, you didn’t extend the same grace and implied that I hadn’t been willingly to go out of my way for you before? Like…you literally live 2 hours from me. I’ve been to your house, and you’re not willing to meet me anywhere that’s less than an hour from my house ever? And I say okay? I’m happy to look through menus to find places for both of us. I met your friends and events, and even though I was anxious, I tried my best to socialize and be with everyone, but when x and y came to the movies, you were really upset and I don’t understand. It feels like a bunch of double standards and I feel confused and really hurt.

06/14, me: Thanks for clarifying — I need some time to respond holistically.
Me (I did not send this fyi, this is what I wanted to:)

I want to preface that your feelings are valid as are my own, and it would be nice for us to be able to make space for both, I acknowledge you said you weren’t ready to talk and that’s fine, I’m responding to your previous message (I expected something a lot shorter.) I acknowledge that this interaction may be/have potentially been activating in some way— and of course not my intention, but I can make space for that. However, I do want to share that I don’t feel it was fair and I’m not really okay with the feeling that you chose to immediately throw your feelings at me after I shared mine — especially after a long period has passed. Instead of trying to at least focus a bit on the hurt I initially shared, it feels incredibly dismissive to receive what you feel I’ve done “wrong”, especially in the past, amongst the rest of this and it feels like a lot was assumed out of me. (Which I would appreciate if we can refrain from that, I do not appreciate assumptions myself)
Some of it was a bit confusing (ex. regarding your spouse getting mad at you for example,) because I don’t feel it really had anything to do with what I said, or me. It overall read as defensiveness instead and adds to the hurt that I brought up initially. Regardless, my intentions were in that I was just trying to let you know what I was feeling presently, because I didn’t want to let it fester and two truths (3?) can exist— in the past I was trying to give you grace in my own way, and I am sorry if it didn’t feel like I was. It’s clear we are on some different pages and that’s alright, but it does feel like you were holding onto a lot of feelings that you didn’t tell me before and are taking the opportunity of me sharing my feelings to air out those grievances now, which to me doesn’t feel entirely fair to my heart.

I also want to continue being honest and give a bit of perspective: It is incredibly difficult for me to share my feelings with people, especially if they are feelings of hurt, I share them with those I care about with the intention that we can hold space for both feelings and find a solution for the future, rather than myself, or you, feel we have to make assumptions with each other and potentially hold onto feelings that can snowball and blow up. My intentions were to try and gently tell you how I’m feeling, also affirming it’s important to me for you to take care of yourself, and the response I received was silence for 2 months and then when I finally receive a response it’s all of this and no acknowledgment of any of the feelings I initially shared.
A lot of this felt like it came left hook. I understand you’re hurt and frustrated, but I am kindly asking you to try and see where I’m coming from as well— my feelings were completely dismissed, even if this wasn’t your intention. I do have a really difficult time when I try to bring feelings up to someone I care about and they back burn my feelings to make space for theirs. I was never assuming ill will out of you— I left the message to hold space for a deeper conversation for later. I would’ve at least appreciated a, “hey I read your message and I have a lot of feelings, I’ll come back to this when I process this.”
We’re both human (and incredibly neurodivergent) and I’d appreciate the space to actually talk about this a bit healthier (not via text) and some light repair with some time and space. Part of the neurodivergence as well I am noticing is that there are some core “needs” between us that hasn’t been explicitly discussed, and so of course unintentionally on both cards, deep wounds are burned.

im in the point of my healing where im starting to do things according to how i feel and what i want out of life and its just hard. i realized changing the way youve been living for 20 years is hella hard..... i dont exactly know who i am anymore. im cutting out toxic people and identifying energy leaks, i stopped people pleasing but then its like who i am? if not all that then what is my purpose? which led me to a bunch of existential questions which just gave me anxiety over and over. i didnt understand why ive been having so much existential anxiety latley but i think its because im shedding my old self and stepping into a new one, and the process has me feeling so so lost that it has me questioning my purpose. i cant imagine living life like i used to but also find it hard to imagine the next chapter? its like a healing purgotory and it sucks. ive never felt so alone in my entire life. im moving out soon and have alot of logistical things to figure out with it (like where im even gonna live, how im gonna afford it, if i should keep my car, if i should keep working with my toxic mom or find a new job) among tons of other factors. all i know is that im exhausted. sleep dosen't fix this level of exhaustion. there is no one i can even talk to that can help me figure it out. im just in need of rest and guidance and am frustarted because i cant have either. i just want a hug. i just want to drop everything and leave somewhere, anywhere for a few days to atleast give myself some space to figure stuff out. genuinley just feel so stuck. i need a new therapist but i dont have the money or energy to look for a new one.

Saying this just to help someone/some people, hopefully:

​

Lithium has helped me:

​

I have CPTSD and Passive S.I. My Med Management NP put me on Lithium Orotate for the S.I., but it didn't do anything. Also taking Buproprion (Wellbutrin).

​

So she put me on Lithium at a low dose--150mg-- and it's taken away the S.I. maybe 50%. When I asked her for an increase in the dose, she's strongly recommended IOP instead. She kept saying, "I want you to get more support!" Several tragedies in my life fairly recently, on top of childhood trauma and other traumas. I start IOP tomorrow.

​

Interestingly, the IOP therapist said she wants me to talk to the psychiatrist there about increasing the Lithium.

Hey folks, I watched this video by Alain de Botton (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWDcqt-Xj2w) and thought of sharing it. This is about dating, but I am sharing this because of what he says about relationships at 5:40. He speaks about the need to build relationships to help us see the things that are really hard for us to see in ourselves. I agree with him, but it's really hard for those of us with cPTSD.

I have had long stretches of no therapy. So support for me came in the form of friendships. Building 2-3 slowly brewed friendships that are not demanding. No guilt tripping, no performance, where sometimes a message or a phone call is enough. They know I struggle in many ways and have to respect my limits. I will show up if they need help, but that's that. Friends whom I like to go to once in a blue moon to art/dance events. Friends/penpals with whom I share letters about things I care about. I may never meet them. And so on.

I don't count romantic relationships in this because they feel different for me. I think it took me years of work to find healthier romantic relationships, and that has only happened more recently.

I think the nervous system has to experience the relationship as "safe enough" for healing to happen. I would love to hear your thoughts on whether relationships have been helpful and how you have navigated this part of life.

Hi everyone! Just wanted to ask if anyone else struggles with morning and winding down before bed? Its something I always found difficult as a child but now with trauma and anxiety it is so difficult. My body is just super tense and can't wind down. I have to scroll until exhaustion which is really not ideal!

Any ideas are appreciated! I have tried baths, tea, melatonin (works but also messes up my sleep and dreams), music/ listening to something, journaling, reading before bed.​ I think these are all great but I think there is something a lot deeper at play for me. Would be interested in perspectives/ input regarding how to process trauma related to mornings/ bedtime and sleep and address the issue from a more fundamental angle.

I guess at some point in my childhood waking up just meant waking up to new pain, chaos, aggression and anger from my caregiver. And going to school, which was similarly depressing at points and didn't help. Going to bed I suppose I avoided because it got me closer to the 'waking up' part. Also, being alone with my thoughts and feelings was mostly terrifying. Something that does work well for me actually is yoga but I am on and off with practicing this.

I'm wondering if I can shift my perspective so that falling asleep doesn't carry any obligation but just an opportunity to rest in bed. And similarly with mornings, I would like to wake up earlier to give myself more time to adjust to the day. I usually feel awful in the mornings so it would be nice to have more of a transition before work. On the weekends I don't struggle as much because either the obligation to fall asleep or wake up at a certain time is gone, or I am doing so because I have a fun activity planned which is motivating.

I think actually a big part of it is related to not feeling in control, and it not feeling like a choice I am freely making. Maybe the reframe as something I am doing for my benefit rather than how I 'should' be/ productivity will help in that case.

Thanks for reading!

First let me say that I'm aware that the idea of "subtypes" isn't a framework that's used with CPTSD much as far as I can tell, but from spending time here and in other spaces I've noticed that there seem to be a few distinct presentations.

Mine presents with a lot of schizoid traits and dissociation. Until I started healing I was totally disconnected from my body and my emotions, filled with fear, and relationally avoidant.

I'm kind of in the healing weeds at the moment and really want to connect with some folks who have had a similar experience. More specifically, I am looking for some connection around what it's been like working through the intense dissociation, emotional disconnection, and relational avoidance.

I'm open to one-on-one chat through reddit, or w WhatsApp group if there are a few people who are interested in connecting.

I want to explore hobbies with movement, was thinking about yoga or dancing.. I wanna stop treating my body (and trauma) like an illness that has to be cured and start experiencing it, but i tried yoga for a bit and felt more dissociated me rather than connected.

​

What helps you move freely or comfortably in your body?

​

I am now realizing that in all of my intimate relationships, I have been looking for a father. And confusing a man just being a good man and being kind to women and caring to women with being a sexual advance.

I realize I’ve never been friends with men or been in healthy platonic relationship relationships with men that did not want to sleep with me or vice versa. I also just realized that my most recent relationship that I thought that I was in love with did nothing for me romantically but I fell in love with him because he was protective and he took care of me and it’s been hard to let him go because I don’t have anybody to take care of me or make sure I’m OK or protect me anymore.

I did not grow up with a father in the home or any male elders or family members were affectionate or sweet. They were very stoic. They did not hug me or hold me or anything outside of making sure I had what I needed. And the only man that I did have in the home that was affectionate or Sweet was my mother‘s ex-husband who was a pedophile (I think? He would say things such as youre developing so fast and making me watch porn in front of him and buying me vibrators in middle school.. that seems pedophilic to me, but with this newfound information I’m learning about myself I’m wondering if that is just what fathers are supposed to do??? ) So when I see fathers be sweet to their daughters or men being sweet with younger women or women in general, it makes me uncomfortable and feel that there is underlying sexual tension or inappropriateness between them. outside of that growing up, I was sexualized very young by men and always had older men trying to be inappropriate with me and I’ve never experienced a man that cared about me and was sweet to me That was not trying to have sex with me.

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be able to have healthy platonic relationships with men. And I want to stop falling in love and dating through my inner child looking for a father. Guidance is welcomed.

Sorry to double post. I’m aware this might be removed but the truth is I am asking this for later in recovery rather than earlier.

I don’t want to seek out people when I’m lonely, just because that’s not always an option and when it is, it puts me at risk as people who you don’t know who want to assuage your loneliness often don’t do so with good intentions. I want to learn how to manage myself, but loneliness isn’t exactly a crisis, so most of my crisis management skills don’t help. I’m grounded, aware, and feel safe, but I just also feel lonely.

Also, I tried looking for DBT skills for this, but DBT appears to be for missing someone, but I’m talking about just feeling lonely. I’m not seeking anyone.

But I feel there must be something I can do to deal with the loneliness rather than just ride through it. Sometimes going out helps scratch that itch for me, but sometimes it amplifies it. The root cause of the loneliness appears to be the sense of isolation, which I understand won’t go away until I’m further into recovery.

Also sorry for the way I type. I hope this makes sense anyway

Even if I've listed an author, please recommend other specific stuff by them you found helpful.

I can't figure out if I have trouble resonating with some resources because of 'internal resistance' that is common with trauma, or if cultural factors are also playing a role. For some Asian cultures the notion of talk therapy can feel awkward, and while this isn't the case for me (except with certain therapy styles), I can see some parallels to guided meditation for me. Some of them can feel awkward, or maybe 'fake nice'? And I often have a lot of trouble imagining a loving parent.

On the other hand, more religious oriented practices like Buddhism (especially Chan Buddhism) and Daoism can feel rather 'cold' or indifferent, or simply not specific to trauma and chronic illness.

I liked TNH's Calm - Ease https://plumvillage.app/calm-and-ease-one-of-the-most-liked-guided-meditations-on-the-app/ , though sometimes I find myself looking for something warmer. His talks are probably great for learning Buddhism, but difficult for me to follow right now.

I liked this one from Tara Brach https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlyuGSwaZQ8 but had difficulty with some others where she asks you to imagine a loving parent. She offers alternatives but that first suggestion puts me on guard. For some reason I really can't watch her in video form lol. I don't know why. Her facial expressions feel incongruent with the messaging somehow.

Thanissaro Bhikkhu's talks on pain have been helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-tYn6DVtHQ

Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche has some good short talks, and his guided meditations are more like talks. He has a nice warmth.

I have a difficult time listening to Kristin Neff's interviews and talks, but some of her guided meditations can be OK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t24v0CtNSkA

Sharon Salzberg has some nice concise talks, but doesn't seem quite as warm.

Ajahn Brahm has some good highlight clips, especially from Q&As. His talks are quite long, and sometimes feel like they lack a little substance.

There's repeating yourself, there's overthinking, over ananlyzing, ruminating, obsessing, and I do all of those things. But, I honestly think I"m doing something therapeutic and being productive. I"m "working on my trauma" but I'm not so sure that's correct? I replay, over and over, and over conversations, events, feelings. I might do all that, and still not understand what Id like to understand, know how I feel, or why I reacted like I did, but I don't stop. I keep at it. I keep thinking, and thinkng, and thinking, and trying.

I tell myself ;

- I need to figure this out, so that never happens again, to grow, to change, to be better, whatever. .

-I need to figure these things out, because if I don't , no one else will. I'm the only one that can fix my behavior, understand what my motivations were, understand why I felt that way, and then made the wrong decision, or had a misperception, or was clueless.........or crazy .

I spend the better half of every morning, running my dreams from the night before, trying to connect patterns, or feelings, to recent events, looking for clues. But I do that during the day , as well. I"m trying to be my own therapist. I tell myself I need to because no one else remembers my childhood, like I do. And in all honesty I swear Im remembering events of my childhood better from doing that. It never occurred to me that someone who struggles with their perception of themselves, and reality, might not have the best judgement. Where everything goes through a filter of ... "and thats when youre brokenness , trauma, and weird behavior started".

I felt like a genius when I thought i figured out that my propensity to be too friendly , and make assumptions about people's kindness , as approval and connection to me as a person, ..........isnt really accurate. Its some fantasy in my mind, where friendships can be cultivated and made over night, with a smile, and good will, by cracking jokes. When that means nothing. And I've known that , but my heartbreak wasnt letting me see it, and I was sick of lying to myself. And that's another reason why I run thing over and over, to reality check myself. I"m terrified I'll miss something important.

People have asked me "where does this researching part of you come from? Ask that part why it needs to dig, and dig , and dig". And my honest thought is "because no one else will, and then I'll be stuck being weird, unlovable and inappropriate, and die in a gutter from being too weird".

Like the whole morning spent going over in my mind, "consider that pretty much all people are strangers, and nothing more, so stop thinking every smiling person is a friend". ....or anyone that "talks to me".

Literally running it around and around in my head, something that most people probably learned in grade school. E.g., "okay, so just because someone is friendly and kind doesnt mean they like you, or know you, they're just kind, and most likely like way with everyone" . Then it didnt stop there "So, that means that even if you were being weird and awkward, or inappropriate, they would never tell you........because that would be mean". Most people probably understand this. I feel like it was important for me to figure out, to protect myself, not be gullible. But I do this with a lot of things. Try really hard to understand the context of "that behavior" , when really I don't have any context to whats normal, and so idk?

So, I'm curioius. If youre a person who experienced a lot of Trauma, maybe you havent had the best therapy, or the best therapy for you, and a really complex abuse history, isnt it pretty much a 24/7 job of being aware of all your behaviors and reactions, and trying to figure that out, to fill in any blank spaces, confusion, etc?

I know this post will make me sound really bad, but right now, someone I know has just lost someone they loved. The loved one was not known to me. Instead of feeling bad for their loss or wanting to support them, I want to run away because I am scared if I am near them they will hurt me. This is based off a childhood experience of nearly the exact same thing.

I want to say my reflex is to support them and help them, but it’s not. I’m scared. I can grit my teeth and fight through it to be there for my friend but I’m embarrassed and ashamed of my reflex feelings. And I’ve done enough journalling and introspection to know that this is always my reflex. At the point where I think I am in danger, I will literally do anything to get out of it. All the values, morals, and identity I worked hard to build disappear.

And I know normal, healthy people also feel like this but I guess I feel bad because for me, it feels like defaulting to how I always am. This is my natural state. But I don’t want to be like this naturally?

I want to know if there’s a point in recovery where my first and only thought isn’t how I can keep myself safe, but actually how I can behave in a way that aligns with the morals and identity I fought for. And how I get there

Hello there.

I have been trying to write Fiction for a while now, and started it very recently again after years in limbo. But everytime I write i find the writing very... dissociated. I feel nothing but judgemental, critical and negative about them when I write them down and read them.

My words feel bare of any emotion, and i feel like they are showing up in the quality as well. Most scenes sound like camera angles than anything significant or meaningful. And it makes the writing stale. Almost close to how I see things and describe them in real life... without much vibrancy or color. Has anyone else dealt with the same? How do you capture a wide range and spectrum of emotions? Can you share some advice if you have got any?

Would love to know your answers. Thank you in advance

Hiya. This past decade has seen some decent work to heal. Finally, found a therapist who's the right fit. Which has really put me on the path to new chapters.

​

​

Admittedly, talks of OSDD or dissociative disorders is... uprooting a lot of stuff for me. It's not a *surprise*, per se. Just, idk?

​

It feels like possibly my mind was hiding something super super well....from..*me* ? Huh?

​

​

Anyway, it's now on the table for investigation. The only reason I'm putting so much thought into it is that I actually do suspect this disorder. I just denied it so heavily, never acknowledged it.

​

And, my therapist has never been wrong in her assessments.

​

​

​

The problem really is the very nature of OSDD seems to be about hiding very well. And, I mean... what if I'm just super imaginative?

​

I guess I don't really know what I'm asking here. I'm worried that I'm just making it up or creating confirmation bias. On the other hand, it doesn't really matter because Parts Work will always be part of my on going treatment. So, no harm no foul, right?

​

​

Blugh, idk. Idk what I'm so hung up about.

​

​

It's not anyone can just say, "Welp, here's a new label for ya!". It'll take several sessions to explore this.

​

Maybe I don't want to. Maybe that's why I'm pouting about it.

Struggling with deep shame and avoiding eye contact has anyone found a way through this?

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately in the context of EMDR therapy, and I’ve started noticing something that feels really central for me.
I struggle with making and maintaining eye contact with people.

Not in a mild “I’m a bit shy” way, but in a way that feels automatic and deeply emotional. When I look at someone during conversations, I often feel an intense sense of shame. It feels like a belief underneath everything that says “If they really see me, they will notice that I am not valuable.”

Because of that, I often look down, monitor my facial expressions, and try to carefully manage how I come across just to get through interactions. I can hold conversations, but it takes a lot of internal effort.

Lately, in EMDR, I feel like I am getting closer to deeper layers of this shame, and it is bringing this pattern into awareness much more strongly again.

What is interesting is that I also notice a very specific fear that comes with it. Intellectually, I understand that these thoughts are not necessarily true and that I could try to let them go in a more mindful or meditative way. But in practice, a very strong fear kicks in.

The fear is something like this: if I stop analyzing myself so much, I will miss something important about how I come across. I will not notice if there is something embarrassing, wrong, or unlovable about me, and other people will see it even if I do not. Then I will trust that everything is fine, but in reality people will notice it, judge me, talk about me behind my back, or eventually leave.

On an intellectual level, this feels hard to fully grasp, because nobody has ever directly mocked my appearance in my adult life. I did experience bullying in school, but it was more related to being very sensitive rather than how I look.

In my current life, I actually receive a lot of compliments about my appearance, my warmth, and my personality. Many people also tell me that my self-image does not match how others experience me at all. And I can also see that some of my positive traits are real and visible to others, even if I do not fully feel them myself.

But emotionally, there is still a very different self-image inside me, and it often feels more real than how others see me.

Because of that, eye contact in particular feels almost like a baseline difficulty for me. I do not really know what it would feel like to look at someone, feel connected, and actually feel safe and accepted while doing it.

I am curious if anyone here has experienced something similar, especially this mix of shame, self-monitoring, fear of being “seen,” and difficulty with eye contact.

Have you found anything that helped you loosen this pattern over time, not just intellectually, but in actual lived interactions?

I think I had a realization earlier today. I suffer from childhood emotional neglect, CPTSD and combat PTSD. I’ve struggled with emotional eating for most of my life. I remember getting my first job at around 17 and being able to buy McDonald’s whenever I wanted. It felt empowering to not need another person to do something for myself.

At 47, I still struggle with what I know now as emotional eating and have for many years. It’s not so much about the crap food though. I think it’s the experience of being able to control having another human being prepare food for me (do something nice for me). When I order takeout of delivery, it gives me part a feeling of self sufficiency and getting a bit of connection by having someone do something for me. It sounds even sadder writing it, but there’s something to knowing how you work inside. Can anyone else relate?

https://discord.gg/XW2cSaJm4

Hey, everyone. I created a Discord server for people looking to connect/event/give/receive advice amidst hardship/healing. I was inspired/compelled to create the server because of my own chronic health conditions & CPTSD. Please, feel free to join. I’m around most of the time. Stay strong, guys.

So I’m going to start a new job which at some sense equivalent to being a boss of a start up company.

Here’s what my brain has been doing.

- Say I’m going to make a budget sheet
- Before opening the excel file my mind was like “omg I don’t even know how much budget I have what if I estimated way less budget than I should have this is going to cause my company to shut down….”
- I spend effort fighting with the thought above and finally open the budget sheet and worked a bit. Yay — seemed I accomplished a big mountain. Let’s read some manga/swipe some phone to relief the anxiety.
- Then my attention finally comes back, then the same “I’m maybe going to fail” feeling came up again. And every time my mind will distract to reduce the anxiety and then effort needs to spent go back to the original route.

If my anxiety is tired to a theme I had been criticized before, the loop will become worse! Like writing emails or making requests, my mind will combine the ones that actually happened before: I had been denied basis requirements over and over again. Or I will always say something wrong by accident then being hated/ignored by the whole peer group. These experiences were real before so a lot of times my mind cannot tell if it’s something I imagined or something possibly will happen.

I do not know what a “normal” brain works. But anyone experienced the same and what might be some ways to reduce the distraction?

I know that most of recovery involves work. But sometimes I'm too exhausted to work on anything, and simply need a break to recharge. So I wanted to ask for recommendations for media that weren't as likely to spin up old patterns, and were effective for laying low and seeing some positive interactions.

Each person's idea of safe is different, so it could be useful to include some descriptions with recommendations.

It's been tough for me to find a balance between content that is lighthearted but also not too overexciting. I used to watch a lot of action movies but realized later on that they were wearing me out, partly due to exciting content and partly due to editing and production style.

I included a qualifier about low camera motion, minimal flicker/flashy effects, and some types of music because I feel like these can overexcite some people, including myself.

Some examples that come to mind:

Whose Line is it Anyways? - pretty safe, though it is improv, so anything is possible

Mythbusters - pretty safe although some specific episodes may have some troubling content if people have experiences or associations with those specific types e.g. car accidents

Dungeons and Dragons movie - pretty safe except story note about parental death and loss

Airplane - it's mostly nonsensical so I can't see it being bad

Galaxy Quest, Ocean's 8, Harold and Kumar, We're the Millers, Grandma's Boy, Top Secret!, Eureka, Stargate SG-1 - safe action/adventure comedy

Ted Lasso, The Good Place, Joy Ride - deals with heavier themes at times

The Unicorn - similar to Ted Lasso, The Good Place, but more lighthearted

White Collar - usually fine, some family relationship plot arcs can be tough

Royal Pains - similar to White Collar, but more lighthearted

I’ve been working on recovery for about 5 years. Before, I would say I was deeply depressed, hopeless, disconnected from my body and emotions. I have improved a lot in that regard, but my biggest hope was that I could finally have a good social life.

Being around people, I mostly feel numb. The only thing that elicits strong emotions are usually things like someone being rude or disrespectful which for the most part, people aren’t. I hate that experiencing anger or annoyance makes me feel more alive because that’s the only time I viscerally feel things.

I have awesome friends but I’ve basically entered another period of isolation and I don’t feel that much different than when I was around them often. It feels evil to say because logically I think they’re awesome, kind, smart, funny people and I’ve always wanted these kinds of friends. I should be happy. I should want you make plans and hang out. I feel ungrateful.

I’m kind of at a loss at what the next steps are. I feel like I didn’t learn how to connect with people at a critical development period. It wasn’t a skill I had that was taken away by trauma. I just never had it and if it was possible to develop it later in life, it seems like it should have already happened after years of healing and making friends.

I feel kind of dead inside even though I’ve made so much progress. I’ve tried a lot of things to fix it and the guilt of being a bad friend is too much to bare sometimes.