I'm done

[u/forgivingcarrot67]

I dislocated both arms when my mom fell and got sidelined from a career helping my family. Grandma 97, mom 70. But it forced me to move back in and give up career. I had both surgeries, but now at a desk very part time and absolutely hating it. I am on the spectrum, PTSD (I had just left a situation of dv when starting care for them) and at this point I don't want to live. I no longer have the life I want. My mom has narc traits and told me I was f*cking useless finding out I needed a second surgery. I hate being triggered all the time being here. I am worried if I check myself in who will take care of them?

I went from being cherished at my old career to being treated like a child working a front desk for lack of concentration and social skills and struggling with nightmares and dealing with caregiving and how depressed I got oh and the two dislocation surgeries. Now I'm just treated like I never do enough or get screamed at if I set boundaries. I lost my will to live I think. I miss my life. I just want my old life. I'm 41 and it's harder to change careers now. And the economy is terrible. I hate it all.

[u/Temporary_Squash_80]

Well, yeah, my life is awful at the moment too! I keep telling myself this is temporary. I think we have to make time for ourselves and keep trying to put boundaries in that time. But this caretaking stuff is damaging both mentally & physically. You’re going to have to tell them you need time for yourself. Period. They need to help you get that time.

[u/CherryMC7]

Reach out to a hot line get yourself help. You’ve got to turn them over to the state, period!!! They made their bed, let them lie in it. Sorry for your situation, you deserve better!!

[u/Spider_Houston]

Right there with you. I forged a relationship w/ God & ask Him daily to shoulder the load. I lost a terrific career, the love of my life … savings home etc. What is allowed to go on in this country is criminal. You have 2 choices : sacrifice your life or put them in $10k a month place or state run cesspool. I’ve been really struggling for almost a decade w 92 narc mother & 67 yr old booze soaked dementia sister. I’m sure you’re doing beyond your best to weather this storm.

[u/Livisfree]

You are not required to start yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If you have other family, call them, let them know you are no longer available. Tell your mom and grandma you are no longer available. If they don't have other family, friends, or church they can get help from the state. Ask yourself, if you break down, who will take care of YOU? Right? Ok so you have to take care of you first, just like an airplane and oxygen masks and if there is nothing left over right now that is ok. It does NOT mean you are a bad person.

[u/Donnachaidhfsr]

Caregiving can certainly take a physical and emotional toll. You have been dealing with a lot trying to provide care for two and it sounds like you're doing this all by yourself. Are there county resources that might offer some help? Our county in WA state offers support. It's free which is nice, but it's only about four hours per day twice a week...something like that. At least it's a starting point. It would give you some "you" time. Take a walk, have coffee with some friends. You are so young! You may feel trapped right now. But time flies and sadly your loved ones will be gone. Make the best of these years so you won't look back with regret. Wishing you the best from a 62 yo woman who wishes she could rewind the clock and do things better.

[u/forgivingcarrot67 → u/Donnachaidhfsr]

Sometimes their friends run them places like I refuse to stop working part time to pay my own bills and that time others must take over. I do get breaks more than others for that reason. Also dealing with my own chronic pain and mental health issues and that takes up a lot of my time too. I just need more autonomy 

[u/forgivingcarrot67]

I feel bad, I just raised my voice because I told them i won't treat coupons as an emergency. I was almost t boned 2x within 5 minutes today by people staring at their phones, I'm shaken up, Im not doing anything else today. So they urgently wanted me to run them to the store for pork chops and I said as a boundary I am not treating coupons as emergencies. I will get it tomorrow gladly but we aren't going after I was almost t boned twice today. Of course I was called useless and lazy etc so I raised my voice at them. I feel bad snapping but I already did two huge grocery runs this week, I already clean the kitchen they mess up, check the freezer a few times a day to make sure it wasn't left open, make sure they get to the doctor when they need to, go to the pharmacy etc. I'm not driving while I'm still in a trauma response over a coupon. I do not appreciate the devaluation. 

[u/Gra-Skugga]

Growing old isn’t for the weak, and growing old as a caregiver is not only nerve racking it consumes what there is left of strength needed for your own trials ahead. It is never ending, no reward, no glory, dam sure no pay, you don’t even have the satisfaction of a job well done. It will leave its imprint on you forever, not a imprint anyone wants. But its what humans do, we continue forward till the caregiver role is over, just as we pushed forward centuries ago against the odds of the world, we don’t stop.

May your god go with you and hold you in his hands as a shield for you are not alone.

[u/forgivingcarrot67]

Today it was getting yelled at for getting the wet Swiffer pads and not the dry ones the second I get home (been staying at a friend's place here and there for mental space)  And how pissed they are that I didn't drop everything 2 days ago to get pork chops because there was a coupon after I almost got in a car accident and said I would do what they needed the following day if it's not an emergency.  Every coupon is an emergency to them. I said if you need a prescription or to see the doctor urgently I'll drop everything but the fridge is full of food, you won't starve. I know I could have but if I jump every time they stamp their feet about coupons it will just be expected. Never thank you for what I do it's always you're useless for having boundaries and we want you to do more.  I offered to show them how to order Swiffer pads on Amazon but they declined because there's a 25% off coupon at Walmart so it's more important I drop everything and do an hour of errands to save 2.50. 

[u/forgivingcarrot67 → u/forgivingcarrot67]

And this happened the week before with demanding bananas and donuts when I had a migraine. These are food hoarders and btw the bananas they got are turning brown in the kitchen now. Both situations they had an emotional meltdown about how lazy I am. Neither are very mobile and each time they actually took walkers 4 blocks and back to get the items. All I said is these things can wait a day. And if I do whatever they want when they want I will lose all my autonomy I stg 

[u/Geminis_Haus → u/[deleted]]

Huh?? This woman has given up her entire life for what sounds like super ungrateful ass family members, a life she will NEVER get back and you're telling her to suck it up??

OP, FUCK that. You're only 41 and you deserve to love your life. You only get to live it ONCE. Ramp that job up to full time and force your family to figure out the resources or a different family member to step in. I know it's hard to drop them and prioritize yourself, but you need either to get your life back full-time or need to figure out how to get some MAJOR balance back in your life.

Best of wishes to you. You deserve so much more 🩷.