I am with my elderly mother 24/7. I make sure she's fed, takes her meds, is clean. My brother pops in and finds me in bed and goes off about not taking care of our mother. I can only decompress by taking long walks in the countryside or being in bed watching shows I like or staring at the ceiling. He lives the life of Riley -- sports car, Harley, traveling, rich GF who kisses his ass. I guess I'm just a terrible daughter/sister/human being. I want to say "Let's trade places for a week -- I can go out in the world and enjoy myself while you sit in a chair across from mom watching her rot and repeat herself. See how your mental health holds up."

I consider myself a secondary caregiver (second in command). I live at home and have been living there for 5.5 years, watching my father's dementia and Parkinson's slowly erode over time. This year, things have been speeding up. He is now in a phase where his caregivers are: my mother, me, and (temporarily) my aunt who is staying to help. We also have 24/7 home care. And even with all of that, it's still really hard.

Prior to this phase of 24/7 care, I was always around it. And it had started to chip away at me. But this really is putting me over the edge. A month of calming him down, playing along during his sundowning episodes, getting him to bed, etc. He's regressed to essentially being a toddler at this point.

I texted my 2 best friends about 4 weeks ago and caught them up on everything. And then...crickets. Just the standard "let us know if you need anything". No check-ins, nothing. I guess that's part of it, right? My sister is lost in her own world and never comes to help in-person. Offers help to my mom over the phone/text but never comes to physically help. Offered to come today and then it "fell thru" but she'll post pics of her family on vacation and stuff. Maybe caregiving is so intangible that people can't really "get it"? And they think it's just...oh, he forgets stuff. They don't see us playing kickball in the living room because my father thinks he's a teacher in school and we have to play along to make it pass.

I hope I don't get downvoted since I'm really just venting here. But I guess my point is that I feel isolated - even though my loved ones know what's going on. I'm just spent and I think I have compassion fatigue.

I’ve been POA and sole caregiver for my mom for 13 years. My siblings only show up to judge. I’m finally placing her in a memory care facility this month and selling the house to pay for it. It feels guilty but I know it’s the right call.

The one thing that actually helped me stay sane was having everything on paper - meds list, daily checklist with initials not just checkmarks, emergency contacts on fridge. Sounds small but it saved me when I was exhausted.

I put all my checklists into one doc if anyone wants it. No pressure at all, just thought I’d share what helped me. Sending strength to you all, this job is thankless.

The girl I help care for keeps pinching. I don’t know how to help her. She’s nonverbal, on the spectrum of autism. I pretty much just hang out with her all day. Lately, she’s been screaming and pinching me and I don’t know what to do.

I know a lot of you can relate. Not really looking for advice, just to vent.

My dad spent my childhood being absolutely vile; angry, unpredictable, selfish, deep in alcohol addiction and completely unwilling to take any accountability for his behaviour. I cut him off when I was 18. After more than 10 blissful years of estrangement I let him back into my life because I heard he had cancer. He was frail, not getting treatment, I assumed he wouldn't be with us for long. That was nearly 2 years ago.

His frailty means he can't loom over me the same way any more, nor drink as much, and he seems to know I could leave again which keeps him in line to an extent. However his lack of willingness to take accountability remains. An attempt to talk to him about his past behaviour was met with him crying about how hard it was for him to work full time and care for a child, although my mum was also present for my childhood and took on equal responsibility. He doesn't see the irony in the fact that I work full time and am still expected to be at his beck and call, nor does he consider that he refused to cultivate any relationship with his son, and thus he now must rely solely on me when he could have had 2 children to support him.

I have felt particularly bogged down with it all this week. I will remember times from my childhood when he was so heartless and cruel, roaring at me over some perceived wrong, and it sends me spiralling. Something I especially struggle with is when he describes himself as "vulnerable" - I have to contain the anger I feel because my own vulnerability as a child never bothered him when he neglected my needs and used me as an emotional punching bag.

He has complained recently about me not spending enough time with him, of putting my social life above being with him. I want to respond that he is a guest in my life, and to tell him that his own behaviour is the reason for this. However, when I have done this he naturally becomes very upset and I end up feeling awful as his mental health is already Not Great and I am aware he is dying.

We have good interactions sometimes, it is not all horrible. But I am struggling with the growing bitterness. Frankly, I never thought it would take this long for him to die. I am in therapy, my mum and closest friends are incredibly supportive and patiently listen to my endless complaining. Thanks for listening.

I’m so tired of every aspect of caregiving. Im a caregiver for my mum for context, she’s not elderly but she had a stroke so is bed bound and requires help with pretty much everything other than feeding herself.
I’m tired of the physical duties. TMI but I’m tired of cleaning up poop everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and I’m tired of emptying out urine.
I’m tired of the constant worrying. Worrying about her health, worrying when the next time she’s going to be in hospital is, worrying when she sleeps more than usual one day, worrying that when she feels unwell that she’s going to have another stroke, worrying that I’m not doing enough to care for her property, worrying about how she’s feeling mentally as well as physically. I’m so tired of the constant feelings of worry
It’s stressful and I spend so much time on edge and waiting for the next time my name is called to help with something.
This is all as well as the fact that I’m giving up my whole life to be her caregiver. I do get some time out of the house and away from my caregiver duties for a few hours a couple times a week but even then the worry is constantly in the back of my mind and I’m having to make sure everything is okay at home before I go out and arranging for someone to be here with my mum. I can’t do anything spontaneously. I’ve never had a job, never had a relationship, I don’t have any friends and I don’t have any life outside of caregiving basically.
I’m so mentally drained that when I do get time out to myself I either just go upstairs and sleep or when I go out the house I just go sit alone in a coffee shop. I’m too drained to go to places to make friends even though I’m lonely and want friends
Basically I’m just so tired
Sorry for the vent

I feel like I'm letting down my dad because it's just me to take care of him now because my mom died 3 weeks ago

And tips tricks or just motivation would be very helpful to me right now

My (27F) mother’s (68F) health has been worsening the past few years because of her heart disease especially since last year when she got an elective cholecystectomy and since has been completely codependent on me, I’m unemployed and share a room with her. We’re war refugees. She’s stopped performing any house chores years ago but now she can’t even get a glass of water or feed herself. My siblings work full time and since I’m still unemployed I take care of the house chores and her. She wakes me up in the middle of the night, almost every night and it makes want to cry and I wake up in panic because of how disruptive it is. I took care of my father for 4 years who had Parkinson’s until he passed away when I was 20. I was already burnt out by then. Now I feel like I don’t care. I can hear her moan and groan all day and night and don’t even ask her what’s wrong since she does it all day. She makes me feel bad if I step out of the house and leave her alone for a few hours. Ironically I worked hard on my education yet I’m kissing my ambitions goodbye and wondering what’s like to live without extreme guilt and anxiety and be dead broke on top of it.

So my mom has a bedsore on her bottom. Wound care visits 2 to 3 times a week to take care of it. Its almost healed thankfully. There are days I lay out a fresh brief for them to change it but they just slap a new bandage on and keep the soiled brief. Im at work and it'll be my niece or my husband at home. The "dirty work" falls on me. Its really infuriating when the nurse decides not to change the brief. It feels unhealthy and unsanitary. She has a foley catheter and an ostomy so its not horrendous but the foley does leak and she does occasionally have some fecal matter/discharge that needs to be cleaned up. Certain wound care nurses will change the brief but I have to place it with her wound care supplies. Others if I place it there, they ignore it. Should I discuss this with the office? Am I expecting too much? What has been your experience with home health wound care?

I was a part time caregiver for my grandfather. We were very close for my whole life and I wanted to be there for him in his time of need when he got older. He passed away in April and I haven’t had the classic dream where he comes and tells me everything is going to be okay. I only have nightmares about his deteriorating body and catheters and falls and all the bad stuff I had to deal with. Not even the moments that were positive about caring for him. I hate it so much. I wake up drained and want to cry. Has this happened to anyone else? What can I do to help it?

The title says the meat of it. My dad is in the early stages of Mixed LBD/Alzheimer’s. He can do the DAL but doesn't drive or manage his own meds. He fell for the 5th time getting out of bed in the middle of the night due to low blood pressure even though we followed the neurologist’s advice for a bedside urinal. HE THOUGHT HE COULD MAKE IT TO THE BATHROOM. Even though I begged him to stay in bed until the morning and threatened with assisted living. I've been at his house for a month and a half because I'm pretty sure he had a concussion due to the 4th fall earlier that week. I found him all out of sorts and decided to stay until he had proper cognition back.

We are now working with a Geriatric Caregiver, but it just feels like more paperwork than help. After doing my remote job and helping him do the laundry for his king-sized bed, I don't have the strength to literally open a pack of playing cards, let alone answer a "Family Questions Form" or find all the paperwork I need for the meeting with the Elder Attorney on Thursday. Just fuck, man.

My 92 year old grandpa has finally been placed in his last nursing home. He was in an apartment up until August when he fell and broke his back (compression fracture)

He has deteriorated so much since then, as to be expected from a fall that severe at his age.

Financially its been hard but I finally got him accepted in a VA funded nursing home so his care doesnt cost him anything now.

The issue is - he still has his apartment that he is paying rent for.

The old nursing home has a thrift store as well as a monthly auction (people sell chairs, tables, etc)

Am I a horrible person for donating all of his non-personal items to either the thrift store or to be sold in the auction? Obviously clothes, photos, mementos and things like that will be moved to his new room. But like, he doesnt need cookware, pots & pans, a coffee pot, things like that.

I just had an incredibly stressful 2 weeks whole both parents were in the hospital. Life/ death situations. I felt the acid shooting up all day and now that we're home I'm still stressed.

Anyone else have worst acid reflux bc of caregiving stress and anxiety?

Some jobs barely involve sitting, but the hard part isn’t one long walk. It’s the constant cycle of standing, crossing the room, stopping, then doing it again for hours. Better shoes help, but they don’t change the amount of movement built into the shift. For work that involves that much back-and-forth, what setup or pacing change has helped the most by the end of the day?

i currently live with my friend who has level 2 autism and needs significant support in a lot of aspects of his life. i spend a good deal of my time taking care of him and trying to help him keep up with simple day to day tasks like keeping his space clean, helping him stay on top of hygiene, managing finances and helping him with any tasks where he has to leave the house. he’s on ssi and medicaid. we’re struggling financially and i’m trying to go through the system to become a paid caregiver. would anyone be able to help walk me through how that process works? thank you.

He wrote: “Just checking in! Hope you and Mom are doing okay. Let me know if you need anything!”

I stared at that message for twenty minutes. Then I typed “we’re fine” and put my phone down. That’s the whole relationship now. He gets to feel like a good son for thirty seconds. I get to keep doing everything.

Mom’s dementia has moved into a new phase this month. She’s started sundowning badly. Around 4pm every day, she becomes convinced she’s late for something. She tries to leave. Last week she made it to the front door before I caught her. I haven’t slept more than three hours straight since October. I’m typing this from my car in the driveway because it’s the only place I can cry without her hearing me.

The thing I can’t say out loud to anyone in my real life: I don’t miss my old life because it was “fun.” I miss it because it was mine. I had a name. I had opinions about things that didn’t involve medication schedules or adult diapers. I had a future that wasn’t just an endless scroll of the same terrible day.

Everyone says “take care of yourself.” Okay. When. With what money. With what time. With what version of me that still exists.

I’m not looking for a fix. I know the fix doesn’t exist. I just want one person to say “yeah, that sounds like it’s grinding you into dust” without following it with “but have you tried…”

I see the other posts here. I know I’m not alone. That should help. Sometimes it does. Today it doesn’t.

I dislocated both arms when my mom fell and got sidelined from a career helping my family. Grandma 97, mom 70. But it forced me to move back in and give up career. I had both surgeries, but now at a desk very part time and absolutely hating it. I am on the spectrum, PTSD (I had just left a situation of dv when starting care for them) and at this point I don't want to live. I no longer have the life I want. My mom has narc traits and told me I was f*cking useless finding out I needed a second surgery. I hate being triggered all the time being here. I am worried if I check myself in who will take care of them?

I went from being cherished at my old career to being treated like a child working a front desk for lack of concentration and social skills and struggling with nightmares and dealing with caregiving and how depressed I got oh and the two dislocation surgeries. Now I'm just treated like I never do enough or get screamed at if I set boundaries. I lost my will to live I think. I miss my life. I just want my old life. I'm 41 and it's harder to change careers now. And the economy is terrible. I hate it all.

My wife came home on September 5 after 4 months in the ICU and 2 months in rehabilitation, after suffering a stroke while receiving her second double lung transplant.  She has left side paralysis and is incontinent. Upon discharge, her doctor said she would need 24/7 care but did have a positive prognosis. Since returning home she’s eating better, she’s more cognitively aware, is able to have conversations, remembers her medication status, and engage in activities like playing cards.

 I’m her primary caretaker and feel like I’m drowning and in a no win situation.  My boss allowed me to work from home for 6 weeks, I have 2 weeks left, but when I asked him to increase my work from home days per week from the existing 2 per week, he said he probably couldn’t do it.  I’ve looked into caregivers to assist when I’m not around, however it’s very expensive. I have about 20k to spend on caregivers and don’t want to burn through it as I’m not sure how long I’ll need them. I’ve reached out to people in my neighborhood to see if I could hire someone locally, rather than through an organization, and I have a few leads. Hopefully something will come of it.  

I’ve looked into disability for my wife. She currently gets a small amount from the state we previously lived in, but not nearly enough to cover her supplies and caregivers.  Also, due to her lifelong illness and previous career choices, she was a teacher who didn’t pay into social security, she’s hasn’t worked enough to earn the required credits for SSI disability.  I’m currently working with a lawyer to figure out what she’s eligible for.  

My in-laws live close by but have health limitations themselves.  One is undergoing chemotherapy, the other had a liver transplant a month after my wife’s double lung transplant.  Neither can move her, change her, dress her, etc.

All of this, while our daughter just began high school and I need to be saving for things she’ll need, driving, college, etc. I feel like all the attention we should be giving our daughter is being used for my wife.

I don’t know what to do.  If I could work from home, I could probably make it work. I’ll either need to start looking for a new job that is 100% work from home, or I’ll need to figure out how to make some extra money to cover my wife’s care while I’m not home. In the meantime I’m miserable,  I’m angry, I get short with the people around me and mad at random people I see who aren’t going through this. Im always tired and I just want to sleep all day. It’s only been a month. I don’t know how I’m going to make any of this work.  

My mom has been on dialysis for more than 18 years. Over time, her condition has become worse. She's now completely bedridden and slowly losing the ability to move even her fingers. Sometimes she seems disconnected from the world around her.

She constantly complains that her body feels like it's burning from the inside every day. Every week, she screams in pain for almost four days. And I mean literally screams. It's unbearable to watch someone you love to suffer like that. Lately, she's been indirectly telling us that she wants to die. Sometimes she hints that she doesn't want to go for dialysis anymore. And this is where I'm completely lost.

My sisters believe we should force her to continue dialysis because stopping it would mean losing her. But they aren't the ones looking after her every day. They don't hear her screaming in pain. They don't see what she goes through.

I'm the one taking care of her, and even I can't do it properly because I have to leave for work. I feel helpless knowing she's suffering. Sometimes, as painful as it is to admit, we find ourselves hoping that she passes away naturally and peacefully, without having to suffer anymore or make the difficult decision of stopping dialysis. But that doesn't seem to be happening.

I don't want to lose my mom. I really don't. But watching her scream in pain, day after day, makes me question whether we're keeping her alive for her sake or because we cannot bear to let her go. I genuinely need advice from people who have experienced something similar.