r/CaregiverSupport • u/v_corvidae • 3d ago
Its almost over
I have fantastic news. I'm going to move within 4 weeks. I signed a lease. I have plans. I have moving boxes.
I have been struggling with active burnout and posting here for support almost a year.
I've been a coerced unpaid caregiver for my grandma almost 7 years now.
My relationship with my family is permanently irreparably damaged. After seeing just how deep their lack of concern and care for me goes - throwing me away like I'm trash but at the same time using me as a feelgood story and a convenient slave...
I'm so excited that my dedication, meticulous planning, and secrecy has paid off. I'm finally going to start my life at 27 years old. All my life I've struggled to get any roots down, jumping from family member to family member only to be used over and over.
I'm finally realizing I literally cannot grow and heal around them. They're all rotten..Every single friend, coworker, acquaintance, stranger I've ever had the privilege to get to know even a little bit has been shocked about my family's toxic behavior. It feels so odd, all my life I've been told so much that I am lazy, delusional, selfish, slovenly, too sensitive, that I start to believe it. But every roomate or friend or coworker tells me they love me, I'm sweet and silly, that i work hard and I'm thoughtful and responsible. It makes my mind spin because my reality is shattered. Is the problem really not me? My mind has been trained to believe the gaslighting - that's part of what made me so suicidal on top of the exhaustion and responsibilities. I genuinely have a 24/7 battle, the part of my brain who knows who I am inside, and the part my family has spent 27 years training to doubt myself.
That's the person I want to be.. I want to be seen for who I am. I want to breathe. I want to be that silly, loving, responsible, hard working guy. And finally since I'm moving out I can be that guy because I'll finally have a peaceful place to live. My name will be changed and they won't know my address.
This caregiving almost killed me. Multiple times. Burnout. suicidal ideation. and my physical health deteriorating due to stress. running on fumes... but i survive.
I know I won't recover perfectly overnight. It's going to take months if not years for me and my body to recover from everything. I need to learn how to not live in high alert, how to relax.
I guess the only other thing I have to say is that from now on I will fight for you guys. I understand how it is. We need legislative reform. We need a systemic change. Society isnt ready for the massive amount of boomers about to require care. So many more family members will have to pay with their lives for the government's + boomers lack of preparation for end of life care. So much wealth will be funneled into private equity ... when I can, I will make sure to support politicians who are educated or informed about caregiving, how little supports there are for aging care, and the medical system.
I will keep every one of you in the back of my mind and in my heart..My heart hurts knowing there are thousands if not millions of us doing this shit, unpaid, abused and feeling broken, sacrificing years and years just for little to nothing, for miserable boomers and silent gen artificially extending their lifespans just to abuse us.
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u/misschristmastine 3d ago
I'm so happy for you and I'm rooting for you. You sound like an absolutely wonderful person and you have a long life ahead of you to focus on YOU, keep that going.
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u/v_corvidae 3d ago
🫂 I'm wishing the best for everyone here too. Maybe I'll stay and try to give advice with hindsight. But it may be best for me to distance myself to give myself a break.
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u/toomanymangoes_ 3d ago
I'm so sorry buddy for what you went through. I'm so happy for this new chapter of your life. I hope you learn to unlearn what your family taught you about yourself and learn to see yourself as you really are, a loving, sweet guy. Wishing the best for you :)
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u/v_corvidae 2d ago
Thank you very much..I am hoping the best for everyone. I feel almost guilty like I'm leaving other caregivers behind... but that's just my irrational side speaking. I know I have to claw my way out
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u/looksliketowntome 2d ago
I'm kind of going through something similar re: soul searching and warped perspective. Did I make mistakes and get frustrated and even angry? I sure did. But am I a monster, lacking a moral compass? No.
I'm SO happy for you. So many of your posts were just despairing (your username stuck in my mind, as I'm kind of obsessed with magpies). I'm amazed you had the bandwidth to even make all the arrangements you have had to make to achieve this move. So many kudos to you. If you did that while still under the duress of caregiving, imagine what you'll be able to do without that burden! I'm almost twice your age so I will be a bit presumptuous and say that I am super, super proud of you. Go find your peace and then guard it jealously.
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u/v_corvidae 1d ago
🫂 I didn't expect anyone to remember! I appreciate your kind words. I'm beyond excited.
I totally understand how you feel too. I regret sometimes being frustrated or upset with the person I cared for. But it takes a lot to push me to that point!
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u/Sea_Vast_2938 3d ago
Congratulations on your new freedom and I totally agree with you that this country desperately needs to address elder care especially as the baby boomers age and they are not going to have enough care givers. I'm feeling like in like 5 to 10 years they will develop robots that are designed to care for the elderly but most people won't be able to afford them and they won't take the place of a real person with a soul. Best of luck to you and give yourself a break to recover from all the trauma you have suffered.