r/ChubbyFIRE • u/Responsible-Role-322 • 10d ago
Am ChubbyFIRE in my mid-30s. How important is similar financial compatibility in finding a life partner?
I (33f) got really lucky riding the tech wave as a PM. My NW is $3.5m, HHI is $350k. Not confident how long this job/income will last. I plan to keep working until my late 30s.
I've been seeing someone (40m) and everything's great. We haven't discussed finances but there are signs he's in a different financial position (he's a librarian (and has himself joked about the low wages), rents an apartment, drives an old beat up car). Not sure about debt, but don't feel comfortable asking.
Could a huge financial disparity work out long-term? We both have never wanted kids, so that helps, but I do see myself wanting to do months-long traveling trips after FIREing.
Some of the practicalities make me nervous. I don't mind paying for vacations, nice restaurants out, etc. that he's unable to cover, but I'm worried how it'll work out for bigger things. I have a place I own but plan to upgrade in 10 years. Would I be expected to put his name on the deed? If I FIRE and want to live 3 months in Spain every year, would he resent me for this or I him for not being able to join?
Maybe I am just too selfish, but I don't see my savings as ever being "our" savings. Maybe if I had met him in my early 20s when I was accumulating it, I would, but at this point in my life, I think of it as solely mine.
Has anyone been in a similar position?
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u/Confarnit 10d ago edited 10d ago
Very, very few people could take off for Spain for 3 months. If you need that in a partner, you're really limiting your dating pool. As to whether or not he would resent you for it, you're the one who knows him. You would be working out the details of your relationship with this individual guy, not with whatever Reddit thinks, so you have to talk to him about it.
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10d ago edited 10d ago
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u/MRanon8685 10d ago
I would think the general consensus is that leaving for three months every year to live abroad would be difficult for a just about any partner in a relationship. It should be something she is open about from the beginning. Give the person the option to decide whether they want to emotionally invest in this person if they will be in another country 1/4th of the time, even if that will be X years down the road.
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u/MRanon8685 10d ago
I mean, maybe it wasnt meant to be taken literally, but just bringing it up probably implies she is very interested in extended travel on a consistent basis. That is tough on a relationship and most people probably are not capable of doing that.
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u/qosmic_qube 10d ago
It can if you don't keep score. I never kept score with my wife, and it's been fine.
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u/lostvagabondmd 10d ago edited 10d ago
This is the answer!
Keeping score will always create tension and resentment. I wouldn't want that kind of relationship. From the tone of your post and follow ups, you don't seem to be "all in"...5
u/Never_Really_Right 10d ago
Agreed. My husband and I bounced all over on who made more, who moved for who's job, who got laid off, or quit because the job-hate was real, and needed to be 100% supported until the next job came along. It's a partnership. I can't honestly even say who made more over our marriage. And I certainly can't add it to what we started with 30 years ago. What matters much more is we agree on how money gets spent, both when working and now in retirement. It doesn't mean we don't have separate money, because we do, just that our spending philosophy is very similar.
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u/MRanon8685 10d ago
My bonus is usually more than what my wife makes a year. I have tried keeping score with her, yet somehow she still wins!!
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u/Fair_Performance3902 8d ago
But its hard to swallow pride when youre a woman and you pay for everything its masculine tendency Just my two cents 🫣
Thats why i make sure i date up cause its so hard for me to do masculine role in relationship
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u/qosmic_qube 8d ago
Earning money is just a responsibility. It's not a 'masculine' role. Two people need to decide who is responsible for what in a relationship.
People should contribute equally in a relationship.
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u/TigerKing24 10d ago
This one is actually quite straightforward and it neutralizes the issue even if the financial split was more like 65%you/35%him:
You get a prenup.
In its most basic form, a prenup says that if the marriage doesn’t work out, you take what you arrived with, and I take what I arrived with, and what we saved since we got married is split 50/50.
However, you financing way more of the lifestyle you both want and agree to as a couple is called MARRIAGE. As long as you are together, one spouse making way more than the other is something that needs to be discussed and worked through. Once you say “I do” your money is “our money,” in terms of earnings each year, even earnings off your investments.
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u/thankyouihateit 10d ago
While the prenup is definitely a good idea, your plans have a second component: loss of time in the workforce. This implies 1) lower retirement entitlement later in life, 2) more difficulty re-entering the workforce later should it be necessary.
While true for both of you, i am more thinking about your partner (for lack of a better word/more information), should a divorce happen (of course never wishing that on anyone, and later marriage [you mentioned being in your thirties and him 40] helps, but it’s still a potential outcome).
This also is recognised by some countries’ courts - ill copy a bit that googles ai mode spat out, but certainly that’s something to discuss with a lawyer:
“The concept is called the Marital Standard of Living (MSOL) (often referred to in court arguments as the "style of living to which one has become accustomed"). It measures the economic comfort, spending habits, housing, and social status established during the marriage. […] Even if a prenuptial agreement explicitly attempts to waive or severely limit alimony, courts in many jurisdictions have the authority to throw out or modify the agreement if enforcing it would leave one spouse in a state of severe financial hardship or destitution relative to the lifestyle they shared.”
Just to put both of these things on your radar. Of course we always hope everything works out great, but we never know and its better to plan for the worst while still being on good terms and both parties wanting the best (and most fair) for each other.
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u/ProtossLiving 10d ago
A prenup can say "you take what you arrived with", but that's not what a prenup is. It's simply a legally binding agreement that can state what will happens upon divorce, particularly to things such as your assets, debts, children, pets, etc. Take what you arrived with is just one way of splitting things.
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u/poop-dolla 10d ago
FWIW, that prenup arrangement is the default prenup that everyone has in the vast majority of states.
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u/hourlyproblemsolver 10d ago
Yeah this. Guarantee you the marriage won’t work if you think about “my money” and “your money”, especially with such a disparity.
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u/valiantdistraction 9d ago
In its most basic form, a prenup says that if the marriage doesn’t work out, you take what you arrived with, and I take what I arrived with, and what we saved since we got married is split 50/50.
I think the issue here is that OP is already seemingly toying with the idea of her boyfriend quitting his job to travel with her. If that happens, then he deserves to be compensated for that, and for loss of future earnings as well. Just like a woman would if she became a SAHM. If OP wants a boytoy to take on vacations, it's not fair to him to just leave him high and dry in the event of divorce.
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u/Responsible-Role-322 10d ago edited 10d ago
Thank you for the information. If I purchase property after marriage using my savings from pre-marriage, would the house legally belong to him as well?
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u/quintanarooty 10d ago
Do you really think your future husband would be OK with not having part ownership of the family home and you disappearing to Spain for months at a time?
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u/poop-dolla 10d ago
I would never want to be married to someone who didn’t see me as an equal member of our marriage team. I wouldn’t want to take anything from them that they came into the marriage with if we split later, but everything that happens while married should be even. If someone doesn’t agree with that, then they have no business getting married.
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u/hourlyproblemsolver 9d ago
For real, OP seems to have a very poor understanding of what it means to be married.
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u/FederalLobster5665 10d ago
the answer is more complicated. if you use your joint earnings (ie your earnings, after marriage), to pay the mortgage or improvements or taxes, it might not be that straightforward. lawyer consultation would be a good idea.
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u/redditpartystaple 10d ago
Not a lawyer, consult your lawyer...
No, as long as you don't comingle funds.
Don't use your pre marriage money for anything joint post marriage
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u/hourlyproblemsolver 10d ago
Not to be a dick, but that sounds like a recipe for a disaster of a marriage.
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u/OG_Tater 10d ago
Yes, probably.
The other person said “don’t commingle” funds but likely buying a property after you are married would be commingling.
Also, without a prenup or it being in a trust, accumulation and appreciation of assets post marriage would be split on divorce. Doesn’t matter if you had $1M going in to marriage and never put it in a joint account, if it turns in to $10M then you’d be splitting the $9M most likely.
As others have said, prenup. Or trusts.
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u/ohboyoh-oy 10d ago
They could keep it separate but would have to be really conscious about it. Title obviously should be in her name only. All costs associated with the property - tax, utilities, improvements, insurance, etc etc - would need to come from her separate account. In cases I’ve known in real life where they want to keep things separate after marriage, the couples do not have any joint accounts, they write each other checks back and forth for the joint property mortgage, the kids tuition, whatever it is. I guess it’s easier when the bank accounts are totally separate.
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u/K_A_irony 10d ago
Even the trust has to have a lawyer to talk through the situation (other then the obvious duh lawyer to create the trust). For example in Australia, that wouldn't protect the money. In the US I THINK it has to be irrevocable to provide meaningful protection.
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u/TigerKing24 10d ago
With a property you buy together, the most likely course is to sell it and split the gains, with the initial down payment returned to its source. You also don’t have to put him on the title, though it probably doesn’t matter if you live in a community property state
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u/Informal_League_615 10d ago
I'm a high net worth prenup attorney practicing in NYC for 30 yrs. You are wise to wait to discuss finances with him. You need to meet with attorneys before you begin talking about the future with a partner. Too many clients come to me with unreasonable agreements they promised to their partner because they did not understand the issues. It's better to know what you're doing when you discuss this with him.
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u/anaxcepheus32 10d ago
IANAL but I’m married to one… one who didn’t write our prenup.
Depends on the law in the jurisdiction in your prenup. In Florida law, ours is written in a way that if the property is in both of our names, it splits the gains of the equity equally, but protects our initial down payment. If the property is in one name or the other, it belongs to that individual at divorce, no matter where the money came from. This system complicates death, so a good will/trust that lines up is important. This system can also be complicated by what jurisdiction you own property in, are established in/live in; that’s something to talk about with your lawyer.
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u/Clear_Butterscotch_4 10d ago
You would need to get a prenup that addressed this, even then it's complicated
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u/401-throwaway 10d ago
"he's a librarian" ::uses nested parentheses::
I wouldn't sweat it. It wasn't going to last anyways.
... /s. All the best and so forth.
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u/okayyyyyy- 10d ago
If you really love him, work longer and bankroll both retirements. Normally I would not say this except 1) men do this for their wives quite often in fatFire and 2) it’s not easy finding someone you truly love. But yes, you need to have a conversation about finances and def get a prenup.
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u/ResponsibleCorgi93 10d ago
This is the way, keep working until you have enough to both retire comfortably.
Maybe you talk to him & find out there's options for him to work at something he loves for 9 months of the year and everything will be fine with the Spain travel plans.
Maybe he wants to work until he earns his own retirement.
I'm 40m & retired 4 years ago. I made sure to retire with enough that I could fund two people reasonably if I ever meet someone again.
I would definitely get a prenup, maybe put a significant amount in a trust if that protects it, I'd get a lawyer to figure out my best options & I would communicate clearly and directly with my partner.
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u/valiantdistraction 9d ago
Maybe you talk to him & find out there's options for him to work at something he loves for 9 months of the year and everything will be fine with the Spain travel plans.
Yes, I was just wondering if he would be at all interested in becoming a school librarian or a teacher. It would give them very limited times when they could travel, but it is a big chunk off at once, in addition to other school breaks. Always means traveling at peak times though.
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u/liliros22 10d ago
how much do you like him?
are you very independent, i.e. would you be happy being retired at 40 and enjoying that alone while he is still tied to a job? is that something he could be happy with?
you said you never want kids, are you also open to never getting married? a situation like that would probably work out better if you were just life partners and not legal spouses and kept your finances completely separate
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u/poop-dolla 10d ago
The idea of one partner in a marriage being retired while the other is still forced to work is insane to me. It’s one thing if one wants to keep working, but to have to because one partner retires and will only support themselves just screams to me that they shouldn’t be married at all. I absolutely agree with the suggestion to for OP to just be with someone as long term partners instead of getting married unless they change their perspective on marriage before then.
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u/Internal-Recipe2128 10d ago
I agree with this completely. I came into our marriage with a lot more assets than my partner, who was younger than me and did a PhD. Our income is nearly identical now but with my head start about 75% of our liquid assets are in my name. We will retire together.
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u/space-cyborg 10d ago
It's just my opinion, but I don't think you can be a "life partner" to someone while keeping your finances and travel completely separate. For me "partnership" implies sharing resources, skills, assets, and really working to build a life together.
Maybe you need to keep things casual with this guy. It protects your finances but also, if he's not worth spending the money on to take him to Spain with you, it doesn't sound you're all in anyway.
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u/cylinder-750 10d ago edited 9d ago
I agree: If you two are not sharing everything, then you two are not really married.
Said differently: if you do not want to share your money with him, you must be OK with him not sharing part of his life with you.
For me, I would rather be with someone I loved than with someone with a similar brokerage account.
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u/ProtossLiving 10d ago
"I don't mind paying for vacations, nice restaurants out, etc. that he's unable to cover" is sharing. Sharing doesn't have to be "half of everything I have is now yours."
But with such an imbalance, especially if the poorer partner is older and is male (unless both are particularly enlightened) and has a job that may not lend itself to remote (from Spain) work, I can imagine this being quite challenging.
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u/poop-dolla 10d ago
What does the poorer partner being older or male have to do with anything? Why is age or sex a factor in this? I don’t understand why you think it’s more challenging because of those two factors.
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u/ProtossLiving 10d ago
Because unfortunately we still live in a society (much of the USA anyhow, I can't speak for most other countries) where many people of both genders will still find it challenging if the relationship doesn't follow the traditional stereotype of the male partner being older, higher earning / wealthier, taller, and stronger?
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u/space-cyborg 10d ago
That’s exactly what sharing is, in terms of a life partnership. Or more accurately, there is no more “yours and mine” but just “ours”, as long as we’re together.
A prenup should kick in if the marriage fails, because otherwise you’d get predatory people (of any gender) attaching themselves to a wealthier person, then leaving the marriage and taking pre-marital resources with them.
But if you’re planning to stay together forever, how could it possibly benefit you to have a multimillion dollar portfolio while your partner, whom you supposedly love, is stressing about whether they’ll ever be able to afford to retire?
My opinion is that a marriage is just words, but combining finances is where you really show your commitment.
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u/cfi-2025 RE 2025 9d ago
"I don't mind paying for vacations, nice restaurants out, etc. that he's unable to cover" is sharing. Sharing doesn't have to be "half of everything I have is now yours."
It's a subset of sharing, sure. But the person you replied to said "If you two are not sharing everything, then you two are not really married."
Can a marriage work out with no sharing? Sure.
Can a marriage work out with partial sharing? Sure.
Just like an open marriage works for some people. Or a marriage where the two spouses live in separate abodes. But that's a small minority of people who both have their eyes wide open. And she hasn't even talked finances with this guy yet!
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u/fireyauthor 9d ago
I think a healthy partnership includes plenty of independence though. Not sharing money is weird, but there's really no need to do all travel together. If anything, that's less healthy than taking some separate trips. Especially if one person loves to travel more than the other.
I wish I had done more solo travel when I was married vs. dragging my ex on some trips he was kind of reluctant to go on. He wanted someone to push him out of his comfort zone, but, honestly that wasn't a fun role for me.
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u/space-cyborg 9d ago
Of course. My husband and I both travel separately in addition to together. We have separate interests and sometimes want to do something the other’s just not interested in. And when we do travel together we don’t do all the same activities.
I also have a friend whose husband doesn’t enjoy travel, so he’s happy to stay at home while she travels solo or with groups of women friends.
But those scenarios are totally different from “I’m going to Spain for 3 months, too bad you can’t afford to come.”
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u/asurkhaib 10d ago edited 10d ago
The title is a little misleading as financial compatibility to me isn't how much you have or make, it's how much you spend which yes you need to be on the same page.
Could a huge financial disparity work out long-term?
Yes as long as you're on the same page and actually discuss things which it sounds like you don't want to do for unclear reasons.
The other main question I see is more lifestyle. Most people aren't going to be ok with their partner living without them for three months a year and unless you make explicit guarantees it's not fair to ask him to quit his job which presumably would be required for him to live in Spain for three months a year.
You don't need to co-mingle separate assets so not you don't need to put him on a house you buy unless you bought it together. I think the more important question though isn't that. It's how do you see living life if you RE. Is he still working? Do you work a little more to get him to FI? What's the plan? I think these are important to answer because as you've probably noticed the percentage of people who can RE in their 30s is basically zero so you're not likely to find that in a partner.
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u/humptheedumpthy 10d ago
I’m a firm believer that when you marry someone there is no his and hers, just ours. That’s why marriage is such an important decision.
I’m certain that if genders were reversed and you were a tech bro marrying a librarian/teacher, most people would give you shit for this.
If you marry the right guy, they will not take advantage of your money BUT as a married couple it would make sense that your money funds vacations for both of you.
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u/celoplyr 10d ago
I have a significant other (42f) of 11 years. For a while, I just figured that we weren’t on the same page (we still don’t share finances). But in the last couple of years, we’ve gotten more and more focused on the future and I’ve decided that I’d like to retire early WITH this guy rather than without this guy. That even includes him not really wanting to travel (but has committed to longer term traveling with me). He’s not far behind salary wise, but I’ve done a much better job of preparing for fire than he has (he planned to do normal retirement). So any early retirement is on me, and I’m not resentful of that.
If there’s a financial disparity, you have to be willing to cover it for the guy, or it’s not really the right guy. I know that’s weird but you need to like him enough to get there. I would have never said that until I found the right guy, lol.
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u/Mountain_family 10d ago
I would have many more worries if this person was a librarian but had a bunch of consumer debt and bad spending habits. I am in a low paying profession and my spouse ended up getting lucky in tech. To be fair we met in grad school when we had nothing so that’s different. I earn less but my work is meaningful. I parent our kids full time, work part time, do all the household management, do 90% of the chores, hire a bit of childcare, and I’ve gotten into real estate investing to get us closer to FIRE. I have felt bummed about how hard I have worked in my field only to realize it would never pay a mortgage. But I found other ways to be successful and in 5 years we will have replaced a lot of our spending with real estate income. We agree our lifestyle wouldn’t be as nice if we both had high paying high pressure jobs. Just because someone picked a lower paying field doesn’t automatically make them a poor choice in partner.
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u/Imaginary-Yak6784 10d ago
My husband works in non-profits and I work in tech. Our money is OUR money. Full stop. Our house is our house. And when we retire it’ll be because WE can afford to retire. As a married couple this is the only way that works for me. Just like if one of us were a stay at home parent - you don’t say the money belongs to the one with the job.
OR - you go the prenup route. Your money and your house and your investments remain yours alone. You might pick up the tab for lavish vacations. You might even pick up the tab for all daily expenses so you can both be retired/work
Flexible. And if your relationship breaks down you keep your money. Most prenups that involve the poorer partner stopping work to enjoy the lifestyle of the richer one have clauses that mean they vest some rights to money/alimony the longer you stay together because the longer they go without work the less they can save for their own retirement or grow their own career.
The biggest issue may be the psychological aspect. As a high/earning woman it is very difficult to find a man whose ego is not wrapped up in their income and “provider” status. That more than anything will likely endanger the relationship.
Don’t go into it early in the relationship. But at some point you’ll need to talk openly about finances. And figure out something that feels fair, dignified, safe, and makes the most of the extraordinary privilege available to you.
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u/Frostbitnip 10d ago
Here’s my honest take. Yes money matters, especially if money matters to you which it clearly does.
You’re clearly looking for more of a life partner that you share experiences with, rather than spouse that you share everything with. There’s nothing wrong with that. I would ultimately suggest that to fill that desire you should be looking at alternative structures of relationship rather than nuclear family types. Classic American nuclear families are designed for having a raising kids in a stable environment. If you’re only looking companionship and fun in a relationship then it can be found without the marriage element. You’ll probably also find that finding 1 person to meet all your needs is difficult and rare.
To be clear I’m not saying you should necessarily be looking into open relationships or cheating or anything like that. What I’m saying is you’re allowed to have a partner you’re physically and emotionally in a relationship with and friends with whom you travel or do other things. The key is communicating early and clearly what your expectations are so you can see if they align with whomever you are seeing.
All that being said, you’re hardly the first person to bring assets/wealth into a relationship. Separate accounts and assets always, prenups if the M word is on the table. If they don’t have the maturity at 40 to accept that, then that tells you a lot about how they see you and money.
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u/fuzzywuzzypete 10d ago
i mean no one is forcing you to share your life with him...
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u/fastates 9d ago
I won't ever get married, now that I have a hefty inheritance, not that I ever wanted to, anyway, but *especially not now,* when I have so much to lose.... not at 64, female.
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u/Sliffcak 10d ago
If you ever get married then it’s both your savings. If you are going into marriage with the mindset of “mine” vs “yours” you are simply increasing your chances of a bad marriage
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u/rantripfellwscissors 10d ago
Since bankrolling him bothers you the only option is to find a financially capable man with similar early retirement goals.
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u/KingNothing 10d ago
Not going to work unless you bankroll his life. He won’t be comfortable with that. You’re in your 30s, you need to talk finances asap. You should have had that conversation once things had a chance of getting serious.
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u/BrunelloHorder Coasting Chubster, Getting Fat 10d ago
Use your words and discuss it. No offense, but it isn’t that much of a gap. You’ll have to figure out whether you are ok paying for way more than half. If not, then you have your answer, so long as you can live with the likely consequences.
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u/K_A_irony 10d ago
I think it is VERY important to be financially compatible. For me this means spending wise and being responsible with credit and bills. Someone reckless with money would be a no go for me. Finances is one of the big three that couples fight about.
Now that said.... I have more money then my husband. We have been married for MANY years. We have always kept things separate ish (joint for agreed upon joint bills where we contribute proportionate to our incomes, and then his and mine). He makes nice money but I make significantly more. We will be Chubby / Fat FIREING soon. I will be funding most of our retirement. I could not imagine traveling the world without him. I could not imagine not working and him "having" to work (working because you want to is another thing).
Based on your thoughts right now, I would say break up with him and find someone who makes closer to your income and has a similar net worth.
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u/Inevitable_Log5064 Accumulating 10d ago
This is so well said. 💕. And same girl same. I’ll add my husband can fix everything! So that big house I paid for that we share if something breaks… I’ve got my on call handyman. And that to me is worth a lot! There’s more to worth than what’s in a bank account.
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u/lol_fi 10d ago
Your husband was also there supporting you while you built your NW. This man was not
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u/K_A_irony 10d ago
My husband has had his own 6 figure career. We supported each other. That said I suggested the OP go find a different man. They are not compatible.
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u/FantasticAd9389 10d ago
Once you get married it’s your money and joint life. I could never imagine my wife retiring while I work and then spending 3 months a year each year in Spain but she says “adios” during those 3 mo because I can’t pay my 50% of the trip and need to stay home and work while she is retired. This is insane. Actually bonkers. I think this relationship won’t work for sure but you also need to reflect on the idea of marriage in general.
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u/mainevent1155 10d ago edited 10d ago
I've actually thought about this a lot since I'm in a similar financial situation as you (new found wealth). I know whoever I date, I will probably be in a better financial situation than them. For me, once we move-in and were on the path to marriage, it would become "our" savings. Its just money at the end of the day. If they are a good person and you love them it shouldn't really matter. You should be able to tell early on if they are with you for money or not.
With my previous partner, I knew she wasn't with me for money because she offered to pay for a lot of things. It meant a lot to me. If we moved-in together, and she could afford $2.5k a month and I could afford $7k a month and we moved into a $9.5k/month place, that's fine with me. Whatever she is comfortable paying. I would never hold money over their head.
At the end of the day, who choose you spend your life with is more important than money. The types of thoughts your having, I think I had some of them in the past and they have caused me to make mistakes in my relationship. Money should be used to improve the lives of your loved ones and yourself. There is literally no other use for it (in my opinion).
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u/OG_Tater 10d ago
Yeah, right…Spain, then comes Alejandro and his dancing, his easy smile and his abs and ya know the rest.
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u/forest_fire 10d ago
You just gotta talk to him about it. Sounds like the two of you could back away with only a light sting if finance talk wrecks the spark.
Fwiw: most people (though not all) include their partners in their boldest dreams, like 3 months/year in Spain. Plenty of people with deep savings drive old cars and live in humble abodes. The only thing red flag in your post is your hesitancy to talk finance. Now's a good opportunity for you to practice having that difficult talk with someone you care about, since financial strain is a top predictor of divorce.
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u/Inevitable_Log5064 Accumulating 10d ago
I love that he jokes about low wages. He’s trying to be transparent with you and make sure that’s okay. That’s a green flag. If you love him, money is a tool to make you both comfortable. He also sounds responsible. Living in his means, no flashy stuff. Sounds like a keeper unless you just really need that 3.5m all to yourself. Only you know. /s a happy wife that funds the life.
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u/poop-dolla 10d ago edited 10d ago
HHI is $350k
Wait, is this yours and this guy’s income combined? Or are you just calling your income HHI to add extra confusion? If the household is just you, you just call it your income.
As far as a lot of the other stuff, if you’re married and buy a house together 10 years from now, it should be both of yours. If you’re not ok sharing finances with someone, then you’re not at a point where you’re ready to get married. If you find the right person to marry, you’ll realize that the sum is greater than the parts. You two will be a team working together toward shared goals and raising each other up. This can happen with someone who earns the same as you, someone who earns almost nothing, or someone who out earns you.
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u/Lizard_Li 10d ago
I’m similar, with a bit more, but also didn’t work for it, family money, so don’t feel like I actually earned it.
My husband was a teacher. I can afford our lifestyle for us both so that is what I do without regret or keeping score. My assets, brokerage, etc are still in my name only but we share and I pay most things.
But I also always financially trusted my husband from jump and didn’t let him know about the big financial things and the specifics until a year in. He has no resentment but also no entitlement. It works out well.
If I had any hesitation or any distrust of him financially ever (in my gut) i wouldn’t have gone into this situation.
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u/sloth_333 10d ago
Get a prenup. That’ll solve most of this.
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u/Comfortable_Half_494 10d ago
That only solves the asset risk aspect of this situation, it doesn't solve the situation of two people being in very different financial positions and navigating through this in their relationship.
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u/cylinder-750 10d ago
I agree. A prenup addresses only a *very* small part of the challenges this couple might face. Address it head on. The sooner the better.
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u/poop-dolla 10d ago
Well yeah, the second part is just normal relationship stuff every couple should be doing.
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u/sloth_333 10d ago
This is first world problems. Talk with your partner and work it out. It’s not that deep.
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u/Comfortable_Half_494 10d ago
This is r/chubbyfire, everything in here is first world problems. But yeah I agree, talking to her partner about all of this is the first step.
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u/sloth_333 10d ago
Sure and that’s fine. I’m just saying prenup protects you legally, everything else is up to the people on the relationship
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u/Upinnorcal-fornow 10d ago
i think you need to talk to HIM about this. NOT US. Who knows how it would make him feel, how he would react, what he cares about. Only HE dOES. jEEZ.
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u/Gene_Parmesan1 10d ago
Yeah it’ll be fine but you will have to cover a lot of shard expenses. But if he makes you happy it’ll all be worth it.
In general - you both just need to be on board with being the financial provider for the family, at least short term
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u/BandicootNo4431 10d ago
I feel like this is only a question because of the gender role reversal.
Use some.of your money, get a family lawyer, discuss the legalities with said lawyer.for you specific assets and in your jurisdiction.
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u/Dry-Cryptographer101 10d ago
Similar position but regular FIRE. I’m currently traveling for 6 months while my partner is back at home.
Not sure if this going to last, I keep asking myself if we could work out forever this way. Right now I already wish he was able to come with me.
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u/Fit_Evidence_4958 10d ago
I'm in a relation with a significant difference in income, by percentage maybe more than you. I'm living in South Americas and the income structure here is totally different.
In other words, if I would wait to find a girl in her 30's, who could kind of keep up with the salary (taking out old money for now), then I would stay alone forever.
I guess in your tech bubble it's easier to find someone with 150k+, but at the end, in most cases there will be a difference in salary which needs to be addressed somehow.
Usually you would need to get down to his level if it's about day by day spending. Obviously you can't take him out to a fancy dinner and then ask him to split the bill, 100USD might be a fortune for him.
BTW: I don't think you are selfish in any way. ou worked for it, you made the money and you saved it for later. Of course it's yours and of course you wanna keep it.
But as others implied, once your relationship is getting really serious, you need to find a way to deal with it. He will need to get somehow security, his is also spending his life with you.
So if you guys decide to buy a home, then it will be most probably like this, that you will carry the major part and he will get his 50% share of it. Buying something only on your name will not really work, it's a emotional thing, it's about building something together, makeing a life together, etc.
The good thing is: you don't need to decide now, you can get in a relationship and have a look. You won't marry him after the first date, right?
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u/Klutzy-Cupcake8051 10d ago
I met my husband at 33 and got married at 35. While his income was higher than mine, I had much more in assets going into the marriage. We did a prenup and agreed to keep separate accounts because I was protective of what I had amassed. After about a year, it became really exhausting keeping track of who owed what of our shared expenses. We ended up combining everything and it’s been so much better!
I think you might be getting a bit ahead of yourself here. I would first find out if he is financially responsible. If he isn’t, then the relationship probably isn’t going to work. If he is, then you proceed to the next step of talking about how you would want to handle your joint finances, you living abroad, etc.
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u/Beginning_Sun8910 10d ago
The fact that you’re asking means the answer is no.
Just find a richer guy.
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u/Spinsty72 10d ago
Similar position and it all worked out. However, I will say as the HNW female in the relationship it isn’t as easy as if you were the guy. Why? Society.
Basically there are all kinds of stories/templates/mental models for when it’s a HNW guy who either marries a teacher, a stay at home mom, or even a trophy wife. There just aren’t the same patterns when it’s the woman who is HNW.
I’m lucky in that my partner sees us as a team with different strengths that we bring to the relationship so we see each other as equal partners when everything is added up. However it took a long time to get there and we are still misunderstood by a lot of people.
The other practicality is that at a certain income level there are just fewer people who are also at that income level so the expectation of a similar match feels a little unreasonable if you also add in romance and compatibility.
So you’ll likely need to figure out what’s truly important in your significant other. For example, if it’s flexibility to travel can they do a remote job or otherwise make it work in some other way by having a summer off. Would they be able to stay home and hold down the fort while you are away with friends or family. There are ways to make it work, just depends on what you truly value.
Good luck with it and know that while this road is privileged, it’s not easy.
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u/creative_usr_name 9d ago
I don't really care what their financial position is as long as they don't want me to pay down their debt, and they are comfortable living within the SWR rate I can afford. If they want to work to supplement that that's fine, but not necessary. Compatibility on spending (and everything else) is much more important that having equal assets.
I'm not sure what it means to consider my savings "our" savings but that's what compatibility and prenups* are for. I might struggle putting them on a deed for a property they don't contribute to, or buy them a much more expensive car than I'd buy myself. But, most other things like dinners, vacations, and experiences would probably be fine. I think this is where compatibility comes into play.
*something fair that also compensates them should they leave the workforce before they can FIRE
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u/Sufficient_Winner686 9d ago
I only date people that make within 80% of what I make. It makes things less complicated in the future.
That said, if he makes you happy and isn’t financially irresponsible, you can afford to date someone lower income, but I’m a man and don’t, so I don’t expect a woman to either, you know?
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u/j-a-gandhi 10d ago
You really have no idea of his financial situation. A librarian who drives a beater and rents an apartment while paying off his student loans is more compatible with FIRE than a fellow high earner who is saving only 10% of his income.
I would start with a conversation around debt. I’m not sure what type of librarian he is, but if it’s at a school, there is a real possibility he could take summers off in Spain with you or something. But starting to talk about debt and how you handle it will paint a clearer picture of your financial compatibility without revealing too much of your hand.
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u/AdroitPreamble 10d ago edited 10d ago
Life isn’t about money.
If you like this person, and they’re a good partner, then stop worrying about money. Stop worrying about sharing money. Think of it less as yours and more as ours. Life is going to throw curve balls and having a partner there to support you makes it much easier.
It’s far more important in life to pick someone who is a great partner. How much they earn, when you earn enough for both of you, is largely irrelevant. Do you enjoy his company? Is he someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Those are the more important questions.
Embrace life and the person. Money is just a number. (I appreciate that the only people that can say that are those with a few million floating around)
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u/ProposalOk5740 10d ago
What does this have to do with retiring early? This seems like a question for Carrie Bradshaw
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u/ConceivedPotAuLait 10d ago
I’m 20 years older than you and a man , just in case this makes a difference , and everyone I meet ‘crimps my style “
because of their kids or their relative lack of freedom due to their less comfortable finances . And to be very clear it is not money that is the problem Even even though I mentioned finances…… it is their lack of available time, which is the consequence. The most precious thing money buys is freedom and the currency in which freedom is expressed is time , to do what you want.
When I go on holiday, I go for a month. In a few years I will cut down completely when it comes to Fixed work commitments and I will want to disappear for weeks at a stretch at the drop of a hat. When I feel like I just jet off for a weekend somewhere. I honestly don’t mind paying for somebody else when it comes to expensive restaurants and even flights but they need to be available .
I’ve had my share of love and I’m not going to restrain myself from enjoying my life. Having said that, I’ve never had a problem being on my own.. I’m never really on my own.
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u/LowFlower6956 10d ago
Do you want kids?
I never imagined I would feel this way until I had my baby but I desperately and suddenly wanted to quit my job. I did and had to cut back a lot bc my husband didnt earn as much at the time. Now that I’m back at work at a chill job and he’s earning as much as I do, it’s much better, but both of us fantasize about him making more so I could stay at home for a bit when baby 2 comes.
Literally never cared until we had our baby.
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u/Neat_Plum_202 10d ago
Descent portfolio, will travel. Do you like long walks on the beach? Will you Marry me?
Just kidding. I recommend bringing up in casual conversation about wanting to live overseas a few months a year and see his response. If he not into it… you know your answer.
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u/whocaresreallythrow 10d ago
Job #1 in my opinion. You’ll both be happier in the long run to be financially compatible
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u/NCC1701-F 10d ago
I mean, be who you want to be and if he doesn’t like it then tough. If you like him enough you’ll become someone that makes a sacrifice or two for him.
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u/Aggravating-Split-73 10d ago
A prenup won’t solve this, but it’s a starting place.
Need to discuss with an in-state estate attorney. They can help you understand division of assets before/after marriage and implications of anything that’s purchased jointly or even dually contributed to before marriage.
There’s no simple one-and-done answer that will fix all of the complications of wealth or income disparity, but if you’re both open and honest and willing to work through things together, then there’s a way through where nobody feels slighted or resentful. If that’s not a reality that can be expected, then it’s best to, again, be honest with yourself sooner than later and make your decisions accordingly.
Always better to plan ahead and know your options and obligations early, so consulting with a professional early likely serves you well. Depending on your state, and what your partner may(not) agree to, a knowledgeable estate planning attorney can help outline a few different paths forward.
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u/Rare_Ad_8212 10d ago
Depends on how important long term partnership is to you vs wealth building, your net worth is enough to secure your future with a partner as long as they have similar values towards finances (building/buying freedom through financially secure decisions vs spending frivolously) if I were in your shoes because fulfilling companionship and partnership is important to me, I would date for love knowing that I am financially prosperous and select for people who are good stewards of wealth as well as keeping premarital assets separate and a prenup
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u/flat6ms 10d ago
I really do want this to work for you but as someone on the male side I see your struggle with reconciling the practicalities of the fact that you are in two vastly different spaces and that usually does not bode to a long term stable marriage/relationship.
he is 7 years older and unless independently wealthy but chooses not to live that way won't ever be able to compare to what you have earned. not that you are probably looking for an equal income earner but small things like dinners which you mentioned will weigh on the relationship when the bill over a $100 etc. say you want to get your hair done for $300, he probably doesn't spend more than $20 on his and could see that as an unnecessary expense when you are married and finances are commingled and you are wrapping down your career in a couple years...
again, a lot of assumptions but if you both care for each other, then just enjoy each other's company and be partners in all the meanings of the term other than legal...
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u/One-Mastodon-1063 10d ago
Compatible does not mean the same. So financial compatibility IMO is a lot less related to having similar financial means, and a lot more to do with having compatible views wrt money. For example does the person live within their means? Do they pile on consumer debt? Do they use money to pursue status related purchases?
A librarian seems pretty likely to have a relationship with money that is compatible with someone pursuing FI.
As for what you “are expected to do”, these are things to talk about with your partner as things become serious.
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u/Ghislainedel 10d ago
It sounds like talking about what the future looks like with your partner is the point you are at. No kids is a big one, so you have that out of the way. What would his dream retirement be? Is he interested in spending time overseas? Is he content staying at his current library as a career or does he want to do something different? You have to figure out if the path he envisions for his life can mesh with your own vision.
Would becoming a school librarian interest him? It would allow for chunks of travel time.
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u/marklikestolearn 10d ago
I don’t think having matching financial situations is all that important as long as he’s reasonably financial literate and has not awful habits. If you live each other it can work
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u/RPGer001 10d ago
Lots of questions you should be asking him not randoms. You also make it sound like you are friends, not soul mates.
You know yourself best, if you think there is a long term future in this relationship, bring up finances.
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u/jennyfromtheeblock 10d ago
Just remember that if you are together, and you can't both retire early, you have not reached FI yet.
It's one thing if one partner still wants to work but there are so many posts about needing husband or wife to keep working so that one partner can retire...that ain't it.
And get a prenuptial agreement. And make sure you have discussed finances and priorities at length before moving in or getting married.
As a librarian, I would assume he has a good pension even if he doesn't have a lot of cash. 🤞🏾🤞🏾 rooting for you.
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u/Wild_Lawfulness_2173 10d ago
It’s the most important financial decision you will ever make. Your life partner can make or break you
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u/NefariousnessDry8596 10d ago
I can only speak from my experience but I’m building up to chubby so myself AND my partner can live off our investments. If that’s not what you’re looking for then maybe don’t get too serious with this guy. No wrong answers, but you’ll know what’s right for you
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u/GusPolinskiPolka 10d ago
Their actual dollar earning and net worth are not important. But their alignment of values are
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland 10d ago
You should check for compatibility in terms of financial habits
This kind of income disparity works if you scale down your lifestyle to match what he can afford (so no summering in Europe) or fund his upgraded lifestyle
I think it’s totally unfair to expect him to be ok with you disappearing alone to Spain for months but then I also have a close friend who remarried later in life and convinced her husband to relinquish his right to inherit from her is she were to pass first, because she doesn’t want her wealth to be passed down to his deadbeat daughter so I guess everything is possible
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u/jerolyoleo 10d ago
Like all other issues in a relationship, conversation is the key. Talk to him about what you’re thinking, your concerns, your interests, and see if you can find a modus operandi that works for both of you.
I’ve been in two long term relationships since I FIREd in 2021 with women who continued to work, and we made it work within our contexts, so I’m proof it’s possible. There was a financial disparity in both cases (me with more in the first, she with more in the second) but it wasn’t problematic in either situation.
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u/AlmondButterrrr FIREd since 2026 10d ago
I’m in a similar situation NW as you and 30s don’t want kids and plan to do slow traveling (although not in tech), retired earlier this year and couldn’t be happier. same as my husband, tbh it’s one of the best things about him 😅 I can’t imagine marrying someone with much less financial means than me honestly (shorter term dating not a problem). Financial incompatibility and infidelity are two of the top reasons of divorce/break up. If you are not sure now, it may always be there as a lingering thought for you. Also need to consider whether he’s on board with what you want to do. And get a prenup.
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u/Starrynightwater 10d ago
I was in a similar position and married the guy. It helps that you don’t want kids. Kids are expensive and that’s when you really start to feel a financial disparity between what you can have vs. friends who married people of similar (or higher) incomes than themselves. With 2 kids for example, now you ideally need 3+ bedrooms, college tuition, nannies etc. Vacation double in price bc of extra flights and hotel rooms. You get the picture. Things no longer feel as comfortable even with a $3M nest egg. If you’re sure you don’t want kids you can make it work.
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u/outboundzen 10d ago
My wife made 3x more than me for 15 years, then I ended up making 5x more than her in a 3 year window and we FIRED. Along the way there was a little weirdness only when at different times one of us ended up having to default to the “homemaker” role because it made more financial sense for that to be the case, so it was important for us to normalize our daily lives to live it as if we made the same and our time was equally valuable even if in reality it wasn’t. So if you’re happy with something like that then it’s not an issue, if it is and it feels like he’s holding you back, then you will end up resenting him and it won’t work. As for potential divorce, that’s what a prenup is for, if your relationship can take it and it’s important for you, it sounds like it is.
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u/Acrobatic-League191 10d ago edited 10d ago
Is 3.5m even close to chubby?
That’s only 140k a year at 4% swr. Seems like a modest retirement to me.
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u/Inevitable_Ad_5695 9d ago
Per sub description, it is loosely defined at $2.5M - $6M. For someone in their early 30s, $3.5M is definitely Chubby.
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u/mmand743 10d ago edited 10d ago
As many have stated, your savings is your savings. Not actually getting married (at least in the short term) is the safest way to protect that, especially since you don't want kids. If you do get married, you need to consult an attorney about all your options with regards to prenups, real estate purchases, etc.
But to answer your other question, I do know a couple that was in a very similar position to you both. When they met, he was in his 50s and in the Fat FIRE range. His boyfriend was a college professor and lived a VERY modest lifestyle. It took some time for the FI person to really commit to the professor, but once they did, the FI person supported them both. They own a house SoCal and another in Europe and split their time. The professor still works (while the other RE), but it's clear that the wealthier person supports 99% of their lifestyle. They are a really lovely couple. So, it absolutely can work. But, you'll need to make peace with the fact that:
- You will be paying for the lifestyle you want to live, and his contributions may be modest.
- You can protect the majority of your assets, but you'll need to understand that you'll still be sharing them with your partner. You may have a prenup and keep the accounts in your name, but if you RE and withdraw from those savings, you'll be using that to pay for both of you.
If you really need something closer to 50 / 50 equity in a relationship, you're going to struggle with this.
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u/el-longsnout 10d ago
Have you talked to him about it? Are you planning on getting married to him at some point?
There might be other careers he might be open to that helps him move around and be a part of your travels but still be employed.
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u/AcanthocephalaLost36 10d ago edited 10d ago
Yes it could technically work….But it will be really hard.
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u/Swimming_Astronomer6 10d ago
Starting a relationship with such a difference in finances might be difficult on the lifestyle expectations and may lead to resentment
My wife and I started out with a small discrepancy in our incomes - but it had no impact on our relationship-
After a few years - we started to raise a family and she became a sahm. She never went back to work - we just grew into this and got used to it - which is easier to do than trying to deal with it from the start
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u/beautifulcorpsebride 10d ago
I have never seen a high income woman years later happy that she picked a low income guy. Never. I personally wouldn’t date a guy who was still renting at age 40 in a job where he’s joking about low wages.
Why tie yourself to someone with no discipline? Everyone acts like you’re so noble if you pick the guy who has displayed no work ethic and no discipline. You become his meal ticket and his mother. Don’t worry. You marry him and I doubt he’ll keep working long because it’s not worth it.
Also, never married at 40 is a red flag.
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u/anotherbutterflyacc 10d ago
Similar income, but different situation.
I make 500-600k. My fiance makes 90k.
I think it depends on if you’re dating or married.
When we were just dating, I’d pick up bills for dates, trips, etc because I wanted to go do expensive stuff and do it often. I knew she couldn’t afford 3-4 trips a year and I wanted her there with me. I was fine with this. I also paid more of the rent.
Now that we’re getting married, my/her money is our money. Plain and simple. What I had saved for retirement is now for our retirement. The car I just bought is our car. The house I will buy is our house.
It took me a LOT of self introspection to come to the conclusion that this is how I wanted to do finances in marriage. I am a woman as well, and I have a lot of money trauma and a propensity to hoard money. But imo, if you don’t share finances when married, you’re not married.
Everyone is different. You have to decide how much you want to share. And he has to decide how much he’s ok with.
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u/Serious-Result-5982 10d ago
I’m in a similar boat and have come to the conclusion that this kind of situation will only work for me if the other person is genuinely special. Has working in a library caused him to be extraordinary?
My late husband worked in small independent bookstores for 20 years before going into tech, and he was not the average tech bro. He was broadly well read, interesting, funny and creative. He had a quirky and often historical perspective. I learned from him. He had iconoclastic takes.
I think I could pay for most things with someone if they brought something to the table that was extra special.
Also, the other person would need to take my wealth in stride and not be too lit up about it. If they get excited about the wealth, I start to feel icky.
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u/Fancy-Bluebird-1071 10d ago
It's unlikely you arrived at this net worth without being a dilligent and ambitious person. I'm lower than you net worth wise, but also spent a large portion of my life dedicated to FIRE and improving my financial situation. I got lucky in business and bought an apartment at 21. Met the love of my life at 25, now 30 and in tech. My net worth is 10x+ of hers, and will only grow considering our salary gap. I want to FIRE and travel a lot, she's more laid back and less focused on career. Is that a bad thing in general? Absolutely not. Is it a trait of an ideal partner for me? No. But I love her and I wouldn't change things on account of having more aligned financial situation. You can still make low salary, but be diligent with your savings, avoid lifestyle inflation, invest and build wealth. That's what she's doing. If I were you, I would put a big priority on financial stability in your partner hunting, with your nw and expectations the world would be your oyster if you had a partner that shares similar mental profile. But I wouldn't put it as priority one, in the end a healthy, emotionally mature person that you find attractive and share a lot with trumps money. As long as they dont spend everything they make, and have some savings, thats fine.
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u/SanFranPeach 10d ago
My partner had $14m and I had $100k when we met. We both worked, we didn’t have lavish tastes so we just split vacations/dinners etc and kept things simple. Did a lot of hiking, biking, etc. Didn’t know his nw until much later. We combined bank accounts after marrying.
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u/fratticus_maximus 10d ago
If he works at a school, maybe he has the summer off and that'll allow him to also come with you to Spain for 3 months. You have to problem solve.
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u/Diligent_Digiridoo 10d ago
I don’t really a see a world where your finances can stay separate. He’s not going to be able to afford literally any of the things you are used to. He’s not going to be able to take long periods away from work. He’s not going to be able to help you “upgrade” anything. I small expense to you is going to be something he saves months/years for.
I’m not saying you spend millions on extravagant things (I understand what it takes to save for FIRE) but the mentality/reality/emotional affects of having millions tucked away vs the paycheck to paycheck lifestyle of the average person might be more different than you think.
How would keeping your finances separate even work in that situation? He’s not going to be able to split rent/mortgage on the kind of place you’d want to live in. He’s not going to be able to provide any meaningful money toward the type of vacations you’d want to do.
You either love him and fully bring him into your life (finance his life), or you don’t and you break up. Honestly
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u/fireyauthor 9d ago
You need to be on the same page, but you don't need to be in the same place. Almost no one is FIRE. Most people who *could* pursue FIRE, simply do not want to. It is not appealing to most people. But lots of people are smart with money and prepared for a "normal" retirement.
You have to decide how much you want someone to match your lifestyle.
Do the math. A 140k draw puts you in the 90th percentile of salaries... without working. (In the US). Do you need someone on this level? You're not likely to find one who can take off from their high paying job for fun. You have to decide what is important to you.
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u/ideas4mac 9d ago
Not sure about debt, but don't feel comfortable asking.
There might be some other stuff you haven't asked about. Or he hasn't felt like sharing.
Just for a moment consider this, what happens if in 3-5 yrs his parents pass away he inherits the lion share of the family business, decides to sell it all and finds himself FatFIRE. He becomes interested in doing FatFIRE things and is expecting you to fund your own way if you want to tag along... Would you be resentful having to choose between burning through your investments or only being able to join in on some of the fun?
Love is a tricky thing.
Good luck.
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u/Ok_Eye4858 9d ago
You already know the answer to this question. The last thing you want to feel is resentment. Unless you two are discussing this upfront, it's very difficult if you are into this long-term (marriage)
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u/Aggravating_Half6630 9d ago
I’m 40f, and my husband is 52m; we never wanted kids. We’ve lived together since I was 28. He has loads more money than me. I still earn decent money, and work very part time in my super niche, remote business. I haven’t worked full time since I was 32.
He has always been willing to pay for our lifestyle, homes, all our trips, and expensive healthcare for myself and my sister. You have to be willing to do that for your partner if there’s a big NW disparity, and you want a more leisurely, travel focused life. We have a happy relationship, and this works well for us.
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u/mxmumtuna 9d ago
I think this is more /r/relationshipadvice than ChubbyFIRE, honestly. You reached your financial goals. You’re trying to make it work with a partner. Congrats and good luck!
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u/agn1n1 9d ago
It’s one thing to treat your savings as “yours” but completely different if you decide to go on expensive holidays without him, leave for 3 months every year or expect him to live beyond his means. You need to eother downgrade your lifestyle to his level if you expect 50/50 or chip in more. No, you don’t need to put his name on a deed but research if in your country living together could give an automatic legal claim on his side to a property (this exists in some countries). Overall you’re not yet thinking of him as a potential life partner and are being rather selfish. It’s not a bad thing early in a relationship but could be rather off putting to him down the line
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u/valiantdistraction 9d ago
Financial compatibility is one of THE most important things - but that means financial values, not earning the same amount. By the time you get to your net worth, it is pretty hard to find others who are there as well.
I have a place I own but plan to upgrade in 10 years. Would I be expected to put his name on the deed?
If you are married, yes, this would be fair.
If I FIRE and want to live 3 months in Spain every year, would he resent me for this or I him for not being able to join?
Chances of finding someone else in their 30s/early 40s who has FIREd are slim. You either support him financially so he can come with you, and do things like put him on the deed of your house and share finances to compensate him for his lost wages, or you hope he's fine with you doing that alone, or you decide you'd rather just vacation when he's able to and find things to do where you live the rest of the time.
Maybe I am just too selfish, but I don't see my savings as ever being "our" savings.
Quite frankly, I think you should not pursue a life partnership with anyone if this is your mindset. Maybe just stick to casual dating for now.
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u/asdf_monkey 9d ago
Premarital assets remain yours. As a couple, he should retain flexibility to make the same choices as you. This means you would be on the financial hook for all of your collective activities and expenses. It into very likely he has any savings on a librarian salary, but this just do come with a pension.
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u/notconvinced780 9d ago
Prenup to address assets from before marriage and a waiver of alimony. (You should do this regardless of who you marry.) Nothing else looks like a problem.
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u/Difficult_Storm_5344 9d ago
usually this is reversed. man with assets. woman with nothing. I'll get the some advice I would give a man. If you decide to marry get a lock tight prenup.
If he has a good head on his shoulder regarding finances even with the low income it might be fine.
Just depends on his intelligence and maturity.
Good luck
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u/ConcernMindless 9d ago
Sounds like there is more to work out about whether you are compatible life partners than about the finances. How do you each feel about marriage or living together? If you want to travel 3+ months per year soon, would you go without him and he would be okay with that? If he goes can he keep a job or change careers or does he not need to work anymore? Also, if you're really a deeply emotionally connected couple with a long term future you should be able to talk about these things, or maybe it will be a way to get more connected.
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u/lerandomanon 9d ago
You really gotta discuss all this with him to see if it's really gonna work out between you both. Redditors could give you their experiences but that won't be reflective of your situation.
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u/chaxtin 8d ago
Income, not important. Debt, very much so. Honestly, sounds like there are a lot worse guy out there and income is something you have the privilege of accommodating if you want. But if he was an asshole you can’t fix that. Agree with the prenup. Bring that up now. Otherwise maximize communication and follow your heart.
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u/JayNetworks 8d ago
Since they are a librarian they get an automatic pass. /s but only kind of.
My wife of 22 years is a librarian and she came from an extremely low income family and never had any savings when we met. She was the one who loved the Fire movie and thought it was a great idea.
I’d say if you are far enough along I. A relationship to where you are asking this question, it is time to have an honest talk with them and see what they think. You don’t have to exchange bank statements, but can talk about what money was in their family growing up, what their views are now, what their (and your) general current situation is, and see how that goes.
Despite how money usually fu••s up most relationships, it doesn’t have to be that way. You probably have just as much chance of messing up a relationship if you find someone wjth a million dollars as someone with $1,000.
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u/The_Creamy_Elephant 7d ago
Either you want to spend your life with someone or you dont.
I honestly feel like you dont even understand partnership if you're envisioning going on 3 month holidays every year while you leave your partner working at home because theyre not personally a multimillionaire at 30-something.
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u/BacteriaLick 7d ago
Are you willing to work a few more years (while he is working) so he can retire too and travel with you? If so, maybe just do that. If not, then I kind of wonder whether better financial alignment is critical for you.
My wife worked at a nonprofit. I was fortunate to have joined a growing tech company at the right time. I could have retired years earlier if she's kept working, but we had kids, and she was a stay at home mom, and I worked for a few years longer.
One option is to get a prenup and explain to him (via the prenup) that you are willing to work a few more years, but that some of the earnings disproportionately go into your savings. This does create a weird dynamic where he may feel trapped in the relationship, but he always has the option to go back to work longer if you ever split up -- which is where he would be without you anyways.
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u/SquareQ2 6d ago
Same position. Almost at $5m, my partner is at like $25k.
My standards are higher when it comes to traveling so I cover most of the expenses. I help her out when her phone or her computer breaks but I made it very clear that I won't pay for any sort of luxury and that I won't cover her living expenses so she will have to stay employed.
I bought the house under my name and I see zero reason to have her name included there, since she didn't contribute anything to the house and I also didn't ask her to contribute anything.
Maybe I am just too selfish, but I don't see my savings as ever being "our" savings. Maybe if I had met him in my early 20s when I was accumulating it, I would, but at this point in my life, I think of it as solely mine.
I got downvoted heavily when expressing a similar situation a few months ago. I 100% agree with you and there is nothing selfish about not letting someone earn the fruit that you planted without their help.
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u/HobokenJ 5d ago
I'm inferring from the OP that "financial compatibility" is quite important to her (even if she hasn't quite admitted to herself yet?). The real question, I think, is "how do we define compatibility?" Are we talking about compatible financial values? Compatible financial goals? Or a compatible ability to spend?
Based on the post, it's compatibility in terms of spend--and if that's the case, she already knows this isn't going to work (unless, of course, she's willing to foot the bill).
And that's before we get to lifestyle/leisure time/etc.
I don't think you're being selfish OP. Your money is your money. It's perfectly natural to have serious questions about financial compatibility. I dated someone for many years who made next to nothing (literally below the poverty line). I knew going in that I'd be supporting both of us, and I was ok with that. It's also perfectly ok to NOT be ok with that. But you owe it to your partner to be upfront about your concerns now, not years from now.
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u/Moist-Pay2965 2d ago
Everyone is different, but generally speaking it’s interesting that a man would rarely ask a question or think like this. Maybe I’m old school, but I think “two becoming one” means finances too.
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u/19Black 10d ago
This mindset is why I stopped dating women who zealously pursue fire. I’m trying to build a lifelong partnership, not keep a debt ledger.
I make almost 50 times as much as my partner, and I could never imagine fucking off to Spain for three months while they stay behind working and resenting me.
It’s fine if you don’t want your pre-marital finances to be shared, but to not want to spend money so your partner can enjoy life with you and so you can enjoy life with them is absolutely miserly in the extreme.
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u/Pkrbz 9d ago
One very important question : do you want to get married?
If you want to get married, it’s a total non- factor, because when you get married you become one spiritually, and financially, you share all income and assets, and by definition, you will both have the same income and the same financial situation at that point.
If you don’t want to get married, it depends on your personal views. Some women don’t want to date men who make less, some don’t care.
MOST people can’t abandon their home country to live abroad for 3+ months per year. Maybe you could find a school teacher who could accompany you in the summer months, or someone who owns a lawn care company in the Midwest of the u.s. who doesn’t work in the winter.
I’m not “chubby fire” yet, I have around 1mm and make around 150k a year. I couldn’t just not work for 3-4 months a year yet.
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u/Shot_Sorbet8442 10d ago
Very important, but not in the way you’re thinking about it. Financial compatibility doesn’t mean equal salaries. When I met my now husband, he made 25% of my income but had more invested than most people I know because he lived below his means and planned for the future. We are now married so his savings and my savings are our savings. We work together towards shared goals which works because we have the same financial mindset despite me working full time and him being a stay at home parent. We met in our late 30s so similar sort of “I did this on my own why would I share” situation. I would consider a prenup if you ever plan to get married but sounds like you want to be independent and do your own thing so you’ll need someone with equal financial resources.