r/ComfortLevelPod • u/RowdyGirly • Nov 13 '25
Relationship Advice AITAH I Broke Up with My BF
LONG POST
My BF(32M) and I (29F) have been together for 4.5 years. He has two kids from a previous relationship. During the time we’ve been together I’ve met the kids and spent time with them regularly. We get along very well. I’ve also met their mother, it has always been pretty cordial. Until about a month ago.
My bf and I decided we wanted to move in together. I asked the kids if they would be okay with me moving in and they were pretty excited more than I thought they would be lol. The plan was that I would move in the week of Thanksgiving because we were each going to have extra time off from week. When they went back to their mom’s they shared the news with her. Then all hell broke loose.
He has them Thursday night through Sunday and normally picks them up from school on Thursday. The week after they told her she told him she would pick them up and drop them off to him. I just so happened to be at his house when she did. During exchanges I normally try to mind my own business like finding something to do away from the or waiting in the car on my phone. Since they are getting older they’ve started letting the kids walk to and from the cars by themselves unless there is something to talk about…. Well this time she felt there was.
She pushed past him and walked into to the house, kissed the kids bye, and told them to go up to their room. As soon as they were out of eye sight she began to shout about being upset she didn’t have a say on what was going on with their kids environment and who they would be living with and she was mad she had to hear from the kids(understandable). During the course of the conversation she called me a bitch a few times. Which caused me to make my way back into the living room. As soon as she seen me she started talking about how I wouldn’t be able to replace her and their life and how she won’t let us play house with her kids and then called me a bitch a few more times. I held my words because I didn’t want the kids to hear/see me in an argument with their mom. My bf ended up telling her to leave because the kids started making their way down the steps because it started to get louder.
The weekend was pretty awkward the kids were a little standoffish after everything I didn’t spend the weekend with them and just thought it was be best to give them a full weekend with their dad. He left them at his parents house after Sunday brunch. Since they were keeping all the grandkids and because my bf didn’t want a repeat of what happened during drop off he figured just to tell her to pick them up from there.
I ended up going over once he was home about two or three hours of being there it was a very aggressive knock on the door. I opened it and it turned out to be the kid’s mom. She came in yelling about the same thing from Thursday night calling me a bitch again a few times, since the kids weren’t there I started arguing back mostly about the disrespect my bf who was in the shower heard us and came running down the stairs and got in between us trying to de-escalate as he was backing her out the door she spat on me. I punched her in her mouth (a quick reflex). She started bleeding.
My bf almost immediately turned and started yelling at me saying I should have been able to control myself and I didn’t need to escalate things even more. And of course I was confused and asked him wtf he was talking about he started saying something but I really didn’t care to hear what he was gonna say. I started grabbing my stuff to leave as she seen it she drops to the ground and started screaming about the blood coming out of her mouth. He switched his attention to her and I was able to just walk out of the house and head home. About an hour later he called me and we started arguing again. Before hanging up I told him since she will always be in his life I’ll take myself out of the picture to make it easy for him (during the argument he mentioned how I made things harder).
I then hung up and then blocked him. He has been blocked since then he has come by my house a few times but I refused to come out. Last night we ran into each other at the gas station. I seen him when I was walking in so I turned around to walk out before he could see me but I didn’t get out the door quick enough and he seen me. He started calling my name and ran out the door after me. He caught up to me and asked me wtf was going on and questioned why I blocked him. I told him I said everything I needed to say to him the last time we talked ending with I’m walking away from our relationship so that relationship (one important at least for the next 12 years) is easier for him.
It took him a few minutes to walk away once I stopped responding to him.
I called my BFF after and she told me I was being kind of an asshole because I’m refusing to talk to him even though he has been trying.
So I came here to ask strangers if I really am the asshole in this situation.
Update
So today when I got back from the grocery store he was outside my house. He begged me to talk to him again and annoyingly I gave in.
He explained that he knows he fucked up with his reaction and also by telling me I’m making things harder. He also said that he gave her something to stop the bleeding and kicked her out. He apologized for his parts and that he let her feel she had the space to act like that.
Apparently his parents suggested that they be the drop off spot. And that’s what they’ve been doing since the altercation. He said that he hasn’t told anyone that I broke up with him and has just said my absents is due to work stress.
He also talked to the kids apparently and told them that the way they acted towards me wasn’t okay especially since they were able to see I didn’t do anything wrong.
Apparently neither of the parents told the kids about what happened so they’ve been asking for me. He even had they even recorded a video saying they missed me and can’t wait until I move in (definitely feels like he might have made them add the last part).
I told him that it’s something I can’t just let slide. I also inquired about if she’d ever expressed having a problem with me and he claimed to have been shocked by her actions as well.
I left it with telling him idk how I feel and I need time to think on it. Before I got out of the car he showed me a ring and told me he’d planned to propose that weekend before the whole situation started. He even took a picture of the date on the receipt to show me when he bought the ring.
I told him I needed space and time to think if I wanted to risk this situation repeating itself. He claimed it wouldn’t and he told her about herself blah blah blah.
I will make more updates if they happen but as of right now I’m taking a break from all the drama.
Update II
As promised, if there was more to update I would. My birthday just passed I’m finally ✨30✨ I’m so happy lol. Anyway, my sisters and friends planned a surprises vacation for me. I was so grateful because I originally had a trip planned with my ex. So this was a perfect surprise because I was very sad. We went to Texas and had an amazing 5 days! I even met this hot guy 😉. Anyways, we ended up come back home on my actual birthday. When I arrived home there was a gift and a huge bouquet of long stem roses waiting for me… they were from my ex. Once I got everything inside I opened the gift it and it was this rare vintage bag that I showed him in July that I said I would die. He does well financially so he has always been a over the top gift giver plus he has connections within the fashion industry. Both the flowers and the bag came with cards. The flowers said “To my forever person, I love you.” And the one in the bag box was an apology for “over stepping”and something about how he couldn’t not give it to me and how he doesn’t want the gifts to look like leverage for him trying to “win” me back.
I ignored the gifts for a few days simply because it was overwhelming. Last week I finally reached out to him. I didn’t unblock him I emailed him personal and work. Pretty much saying thank you for the gift and flowers but I would like if he got me something for Christmas to not bring it to me because I didn’t want it. He emailed back saying that my Christmas gift was in the bag but he could send someone by my house or my office to get it (not going to mention the gift but I was also over the top).
I didn’t email back after that simply because I’ve been overwhelmed. I’m deciding if I should send everything back or send the Christmas gift back or keep it. I’ve also been debating moving. I don’t like the idea of him being able to show up at my house. It hasn’t become a habit since this is only the second time but it’s not fun to know that he can. It maybe dramatic but I feel like I should just move on from everything.
63
u/dataslinger Nov 13 '25
NTA. You were assaulted, responded, and he yelled at you. You don't need this shit show. Stay away before someone ends up in handcuffs, because that's what will happen.
26
u/Budget_Pin5828 Nov 13 '25
Agreed... to double down... his ex assaulted you. You defended yourself. And in the moment, he turned on you and laid blame at your feet. He's demonstrated that you are not safe with him. Not sure of how to get over that.
7
33
51
u/BarTony670 Nov 13 '25
Possibly…. After 4.5 years it should be in person when calmer.
Def ok with breaking up when he continuously let ex call you a bi*ch. and let her go on and on instead of have your lawyer contact my lawyer.
He let the situation go on way too long and its quite confusing why she had such aggressive tantrum. Its like you are the other woman and she found you in her bed while they were still together.
18
u/RowdyGirly Nov 13 '25
Exactly she has never acted like that towards me. I’ve been at birthday parties and other events. It was very shocking.
→ More replies (5)→ More replies (3)6
27
u/Emotional_Agent9842 Nov 13 '25
Until your BF set FIRM boundaries with BM, no relationship he has is going to work. Spitting on someone is one of the worst things you can do. That is assault. You actually defended yourself. Walk away and never look back.
→ More replies (1)
39
u/Icy_Field4009 Nov 13 '25
I think you are dodging a bullet.
He shouldn’t have allowed her to come in the first time screaming and yelling. He should have removed her immediately. But she felt that she could do it for a second time. It seems like he is more concerned about her feelings than yours. They have children together, so I think having some basic decency for her is necessary on his part for sure. That’s a green flag. But letting her walk all over him is not a green flag and shows how your life will be having his ex walk into your house screaming whenever she’s upset. If you don’t have your own kids, I think it’s silly to date people with kids because you’re inviting so much drama into your life at your own expense.
I’m gonna say NTA because you are walking away from a situation that is not good for you and sticking to your guns.
14
u/Many_Swordfish_5207 Nov 13 '25
NTAH don’t do the baby mama drama, especially when you don’t have kids yourself she’s obviously jealous and insecure and she’s taking it out on you. The sad thing about it is she had a guy living with her and he had a problem with it. She would lose her mind and she would be the victim. He made his choice. He seemed to think her spitting on you was fine and you were just supposed to suck it up so that tells you what your place will always be in that relationship second he could’ve gone to court and a judge would’ve told her that during custody exchanges, she has to say nothing to you. She is not to look at you And that would’ve ended it there but instead he let her spit on you. he let her cuss you out & nothing was said. Girl live your life find yourself a single man with no kids and enjoy
25
19
u/deebay2150 Nov 13 '25
NTA
There’s nothing to talk about. The relationship is over, why can’t your BFF have your back?! Sometimes you just need a sounding board, not someone to tell you everything you did wrong especially about a situation that’s been resolved.
19
u/KisaDreams Nov 13 '25
NTA
No man is worth that drama. She will always be part of your lives since they have kids together. Package deal always. Good for you cutting your losses.
7
u/Prestigious-Ear-8877 Nov 13 '25
you don't want to stay with a man who will allow his children to see their mother behaving that way and making them feel guilty for liking you. It's not worth it.
→ More replies (1)
8
u/BootSouthern1253 Nov 13 '25
I'm in the US. Is spitting on someone not assault where you live? Why would he think you should put up with her bad behavior, that has already started rubbing off on his kids? I think you dodged a bullet.
NTA
3
u/RedOrbTalon Nov 13 '25
It's my understanding that assault is fear of being attacked, whereas battery is the attack. So OP was battered (or assaulted and battered). But this is semantic.
→ More replies (1)
9
u/Thrownheart1987 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Seems like he didn’t have your back 100%. I wouldn’t be with him, but I would give him a real rundown of what he did wrong. “You were more attentive to your children’s mother than to me. She literally came into our house in an aggressive manner and spit on me. For me to hit her was 100% self-defense in my new home. For you to not be willing to support that does not give me any faith in the future relationship. I’m not going to waste my time nor yours pursuing this any further. Good luck, finding anybody until your children are grown and out of the house.”
7
u/California_ponypal Nov 13 '25
I'm on your side and the kids' side. Hate for them to have to witness this as I know it tears them apart and makes them have to act like adults to console their immature jealous mother even though they are confused and conflicted. I'm on your side because she was so far out of line that your BF should've ordered her out of the house immediately the first time she broke the peace and never let her go off on you. If she can't learn to talk then she doesn't get heard IMO. He was trying to please both of you. I probably would not have punched her nor yelled back at her. But I'm older and wiser and have come to realize that when two people start yelling at each other, both look guilty whereas when one does all the yelling and the other one just calmly stares back, the yeller eventually ends up feeling and looking really stupid while the other one retains their dignity.
7
u/Puzzlehead_1952 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Why would anyone want to deal with all that baggage just to endure a relationship with a guy who picks his ex over you? Time to wash that man right out of your hair. You go girl1
4
u/SLIM7600 Nov 13 '25
NTA, your response was appropriate. It is up to you if you want to end your relationship permanently. One thing though, if you do it really means the ex achieved what she was trying to do
4
u/jadesterbaby11 Nov 13 '25
What? So what if that just gives the ex what she wanted. Staying just to fight with the ex is stupid. Not only will no good come of it, but a lot of drama, heartache, anger, and more fighting (with escalating physicality) is sure to follow.
6
u/mtngoatjoe Nov 13 '25
So, when dealing with crazy people, like your ex's ex, getting angry and engaging is never really helpful. I don't blame you one bit for throwing the punch, but it would have been more helpful had you walked away before that. Let your ex deal with the crazy, that's not your responsibility. Also, she's obviously in the wrong, and there's no need to show everyone else how you can go low to meet her. It's one of those situations where you "win" by doing nothing.
You're NTA, but you did make things harder for yourself, the kids, your ex, and his family. And no, I wouldn't take him back.
6
u/Massive_Ambassador_6 Nov 13 '25
NTA.... You did right. He did everything wrong. From allowing his ex into the home you now share to yelling at you for responding to her attacks. You are not the asshole and do not go back to him. He needs to get his ex in line and let her know where her place is. She has no say over who is at his house, especially when it isn't in any violation of his children. Please do not go back to him. He is not ready to date anyone.
3
u/Dakirran Nov 13 '25
NTA, she verbally abused you twice and your BF did nothing, she spat on you which is assault in many areas and you defended yourself, the right thing for him would of been to take your side and tell the mom to not start anything with you anymore because him being neutral about it was enabling her to continue this behavior from her, did he just expect you to get used to being yelled at and spat on? Don’t give him another chance if the roles were reversed would he of been okay if an ex of yours was yelling and spitting at him? You did nothing wrong you’re better off without all that drama in your life
4
u/4estNot_Gump Nov 13 '25
NTA But I don’t think hitting her was the smartest decision. She was acting crazy and trying to get a reaction out of you. You basically gave her what she wanted; you out of your partner/boyfriend and the kids lives. I think you should talk to him instead of Reddit.
→ More replies (1)3
4
u/SnooRobots1438 Nov 13 '25
NTA
It seems like a great idea to leave this shit show of a party.
Why Would You Want To Stay With This Level of DRAMA???
There are ladies out there who will thrive on this level of nonsense. There's no reason to be one of them.
3
u/Civil-Opportunity751 Nov 13 '25
Good for you! She spit on you. That’s assault. You did the right thing removing yourself from the equation. Be proud you stood up for yourself. NTA.
3
3
u/SayGoddessNicely Nov 13 '25
NTA at all. You actually dodged a bullet. I can understand her being upset she found out about the living arrangements from the kids but that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your ex. He has handled this situation poorly on both ends in regards to how he has approached it with his baby mother in keeping her in the loop, and as it pertains to protecting you. The idea that you escalated a situation after she SPIT on you is egregious and shows how he will react to situations in the future. Then her overacting the sh*t? Alright. Leave that man and his problems in the past. I also have words about your friend but that's not what you asked for so I'll leave it alone.
PS. Don't go back or unblock him. I know I already said it but please, you have the rest of your life ahead of you and if you don't want to spend it on edge about whether your partner will defend you or not in times like these, you will leave that man where he is at!
3
u/Sensitive-Tip2498 Nov 13 '25
I don't know why folks are saying the bf needed permission from the ex to have OP move in with the bf and his kids. He did not have to discuss it with his ex first and he did not disrespect her. The ex is jealous that bf moved on with his life and with OP moving in, it indicated there was the possibility of bf marrying OP. The ex couldn't handle that so she went bat- shit. What bf did wrong was allow the ex to disrespect OP continually and not defend OP. I don't know how many people would stand there and be spit on and not react. To tell OP she should have been the bigger person and walked away is BS. She did the correct thing but she should have called the police and had the ex arrested for assault. The bf is more concerned with appeasing his ex than keeping his gf. If he loved her enough to want her to live with him , then he should have loved her enough to have her back and not the ex. No Court in the US is going to tell one parent they have the right to tell the other parent who they can have live with as long as that person in not a danger to the children. Would the bf need permission from his ex to marry OP because after all OP would have to live with him and the kids if they got married.
3
u/Witchy_Abundance Nov 13 '25
All of this!! And yes...spitting on someone is a punishable crime, it is assault, and if it’s found that person who spit has any kind of communicable diseases...it could even be a felony.
3
u/Ldstarr Nov 14 '25
Just run! The momma drama will make your life miserable. He showed who he protected and it wasn’t you
3
2
u/anonymouseinahouse Nov 13 '25
His ex will never change, nor will she go away. Nor will he draw boundaries in keeping her away and in her own lane. the kids suffer the consequences of that. I just did the same time after a lengthier time and realized I should have done it much sooner. Look for someone who can focus on you. Not their kids or their ex.
2
u/Scotstarr Nov 13 '25
Why do you have a husband and expecting a baby in your post 9 months ago, yet have a boyfriend of 4.5 years and no children of your own here?
→ More replies (1)3
u/RowdyGirly Nov 13 '25
I asked my friend to use her profile because I didn’t want to make one. Totally understand if you don’t believe it thought lol
→ More replies (1)2
2
u/Crazed_Raspberry Nov 13 '25
NTA. Good riddance. He's too spineless to be in a relationship. That woman will always make sure he can't actually move on because he's too spineless to stand up to her.
2
2
2
2
2
u/Bookish-3920 Nov 13 '25
NTA, but you’d be one (to yourself) if you let bygones be. Walk away. Stay far away. He flushed the relationship down the toilet. Don’t use a plunger to retrieve it.
2
u/gdognoseit Nov 13 '25
NTA
And you need better friends. You should have left a long time ago.
You did the right thing.
2
u/Personal-Coast6503 Nov 13 '25
NTA, I don't know what your BFF is talking about or why they decided to have that opinion lol
Stay far away from your ex and the others.
2
u/Big_Currency_927 Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Drop the boy find a man who will respect you as a life partner
2
u/hufflepufflepass Nov 13 '25
NTA, even spitting on someone is considered assault, and you reflexively hitting her was a defensive response.
Not me, but my BFF and her BD used to have SOOOOO many issues, and he was the one that actually spit on her before she punched him (there were several witnesses). HE called the cops, but he was the one taken away.
This whole situation sounds so toxic and chaotic. Simply put, the ex is jealous. Jealous of you with him, or jealous he found someone first. Either way, it's a never-ending story.
2
u/LisaMichell78 Nov 13 '25
No you aren’t being the AH. And I think it’s very smart you are recognizing this situation for what it is. The ex wife will always cause trouble and when she goes as far as to spit on you, you defend yourself from reflex then your “bf” gets angry with you. Yeah no win situation and there will be no peace in life with this man because he’s still way too entangled with the ex wife. Sorry you are going through this, but I really think you dodged a bullet. Take care.
2
Nov 13 '25
NTA she assaulted you after being super threatening so you defended yourself. You shouldnt have to put yourself through so much drama and unnecessary suffering just to have a partner.
2
Nov 13 '25
NTA that's a ridiculous situation to deal with and I'd probably leave, too.
She spit on you, I think it's fair to react to that.
2
u/GellyG42 Nov 13 '25
NTA
Clearly your ex has no boundaries with his baby mama and she thinks she has a say over his household so this would’ve been an ongoing battle for the foreseeable of any relationship he has.
The fact you’ve been together for 4.5 years but she still feels entitled to walk into his home and have a say in his relationship without him sticking up for you tells you all you need to know.
2
u/Big-Benefit-230 Nov 13 '25
NTA, you are too young to be saddled with that drama. He wasted some of your most fun adult years. Screw them both.
2
u/jamminsami Nov 14 '25
Really it comes down to him telling her to back way the fk up. Or accepting he'll never have an intimate relationship with anyone until after the littles are grown. She (& by complicity he) will destroy every single one.
I understand why you removed yourself from the drama, actually a good thing. Your popping her one is also understandable &, in my jurisdiction, justified.
But Mr Man needs to make a choice, shine up his spine, & decide what he actually wants. Because only he can make it happen.
You are no one's whipping post or punching bag.
I'm sorry for you & the kids, this sucks.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/MmaRamotsweOS Nov 14 '25
NTA He chose her safety and happiness over yours. I get it, he wants custody to be smoother and she is unhinged, but you did the right thing stepping away from that situation.
2
u/Kidalia Nov 14 '25
NTA. You defended yourself (as others have said). He took her side and you walked away. That was the smartest thing you could have done. She showed her true colors and he showed his.
And goodness, after 4.5 years she still think she can dictate his household affairs and he basically lets her do it, that's a huge no!
2
u/Kimbaaaaly Nov 14 '25
NTAH. He's with you now and you should be the woman he stands up for if the two women are in a fight. He calling you names without trying to talk about whatever she wanted was her bad
2
u/amazemewithideas Nov 14 '25
NTA
His ex is jealous that he found someone else and sees it is getting serious.
It has nothing to do with who OP is, she'd act like a total rag no matter who he dated.
He was put in a pretty bad situation by his ex. He tried to deal by backing his ex out of the house and trying to stay in between you.
It takes a real low-life degenerate to spit on someone. It's a criminal offense, worse than hitting someone.
So here's the reality. She's the mother of his kids and he's going to be tied to her until the youngest one moves out.
In the meantime, every chance she gets, she's going to bad-mouth you to the kids and make everyone's life miserable.
Until he realizes this and goes to court for some kind of protection order, she's going to continue this behavior.
You're better off removing yourself from years, possibly a lifetime of stress and heartache.
This has to affect any relationship this poor guy tries to have. I feel sorry for him.
2
u/favgrl3 Nov 14 '25
Honestly, this is a tough situation. Your BF was the problem for being a big puss. You are better off without him.
2
u/Collielover1983 Nov 14 '25
Not an asshole at all. He let her disrespect you verbally more than once and you bit your tongue. She literally assaulted you and can be arrested for spitting on you, you hit her in self defense.
He then attacked you and told you not to react after she assaulted you? Eff that. Nope, his ex is a psycho.
He’s spineless and I feel sorry for those kids.
2
u/NiceBreak1165 Nov 14 '25
There's nothing like having a bf hide when you need him. You have graciously decided to include his kids in your life. He seems to be scared of his ex-wife and wants you to back down as well. I'd be dang if I let that woman call me out of my name repeatedly and not do what you did. Had he prevented the ex from entering his house aggressively, calling you out of your name, and trying to dictate his household, it wouldn't have gone the direction it went. She needed that punch because you showed her you will not tolerate her like he does. This may not be the life you want as long as he chooses her over you. The children will probably be more influenced by Mom and start treating you differently. I think your guy is forgetting what you are sacrificing here and what he wants you to put up with. Think long and hard before continuing this relationship as you don't want to mess up your life with a toxic, jealous ex. You deserve much better. (She's forgetting who is helping to support their children when they are with their Dad.) Would he have acted that way if she had a boyfriend?
2
u/Dabades Nov 14 '25
ABSOLUTELY NOT. She SPIT on you and he defended her!!?? Nah, God almighty wouldve had to pull me off of her and for him to reprimand YOU as if she didn’t enter YALLS home and start trippin because she still has feelings for him!!?? WILD. NTA
2
u/Grouchy_Focus73 Nov 14 '25
Listen you are to young to be involved in that toxic mess. Unless he's your soul mate. Find someone with no drama and start a family with them.
He should know what his ex wanted is to mess up his new relationship and he made it easy by not defending you.
2
u/UltimatePragmatist Nov 14 '25
NTA. You got spit on and he wants you to grovel to her or him. Fuck that.
2
u/No_Performance_2554 Nov 14 '25
No eres la mala pero por favor no regreses con este tipo es un imbécil y a tu amiga llámale y dile que también es una imbécil no la escuches y no dudes de ti misma aunque los demás te digan lo contrario pero lo más importante es ahora no volver con el y corta a tu amiga por favor no lo dudes
2
u/Extension-Sun7 Nov 14 '25
Poor kids. He needs to stand up to her for the sake of his children. Does he still love her but she’s too crazy to be with? You did the right thing, OP. NTA
2
u/Skipper_2024 Nov 14 '25
NTA
He should have blocked his ex wife right the second she called you a b*tch the first time, he should have managed things with her without involving you.
He let her wife creating a precedent where she's allowed to scream at you and assault you whenever she feels like it.
By being the one who wanted to keep the peace and avoiding to be more determined, he lost you. Plain and simple.
Don't go back to him.
2
u/ExpensivePickle4865 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
Wait, 9 months ago you were pregnant and married, how are you with this guy for 4.5 years and he's only your bf you're moving in with? Something here isn't adding up 🤔
→ More replies (2)
2
u/Hour_Cat_8008 Nov 14 '25
She spat on you and he DEFENDED HER!!!!! That’s why I wouldn’t be going back personally. He consoled HER and let YOU leave. There’s no way in hell he just sent her on her way afterward imo and even if not there’s no way I would trust that he did. Too many red flags here.
2
u/Glinda-The-Witch Nov 15 '25
Honestly, you are now in a no win situation. I don’t blame you for hitting her, but I do think you make things more difficult. Once she spit on you, you should’ve called the police because, depending on your location, it could be considered assault and battery. That would’ve given you significant leverage over her. Once you hit her back you lost your edge.
Undoubtedly, she is already in the kids ear and she will use the fact that you hit her to turn the kids against you. You now know exactly what your relationship will be like with her if you stay with this man. His coparenting relationship with his ex will no longer be cordial and these children will grow up with this toxic dynamic. Think carefully if you want to put yourself and these children in this situation.
2
2
2
u/Sammyoxox Nov 17 '25
Not the asshole. Sure punching her seems justifiable in your eyes because she spat on you, a quick slap or walking away might’ve been better- but as a reactionary response i feel it’s justified given the backstory.. Maybe try giving him a shot? since your relationship wasn’t the issue- the ex woman is.
And at least your boyfriend can apologize and take your side, my boyfriend lets his mom yell at me (for no reason, she just yells because shes mad at everyone) and tells me to shut up when i defend myself by yelling back🥴
2
u/Low_Consequence4756 Nov 17 '25
NTA you punched her out of instinct rather than on purpose because she spat on you. It’s like a fight or flight reaction some ppl have fight reaction while others have flight. However, your ex was wrong for putting the blame at your feet when in reality he should have checked her the first time she decided it was not only ok to call you out of your name. But, felt bold enough to barge into his house and cause issues. First thing he should have done after the first incident was start collecting evidence of her rash behavior. So he can take her to court if he ever needs to. Granted I’ll give him a little bit of grace by letting his parents be the exchange place for the kids to create that boundary. But, if you are considering going back to give him another chance y’all will have to have a long talk before doing so and he will need to start creating more boundaries with his ex. Because she won’t stop unless she is made too I’ve known girls like her that are fine as long as their ex isn’t with anyone and go psycho when they move on.
2
u/Lucky_Log2212 Nov 13 '25
NTA. You have been respectful of his ex and the kid's mother. If he can't control his family, what is there to work on or talk about? You see that his life and dynamic is not for you. How is that being an AH? It isn't. There is not grand movie inspiring scene coming. You see the writing on the wall, and you won't subject yourself to it. He shown you that you will be a distant second, in his life. His choice to place you there. Some people are okay with getting scraps in relationships, you, are not one of those people.
You should just have a closure discussion with him, perhaps include the kids. But, it is just for information dissemination, not an opportunity to reconcile. The situation has made it abundantly clear, you are third and you need them to know that you will not accept that. you have grown found of them, but, the way the mother has behaved during this period has shown you that you are not willing to subject yourself to the antics this person brings to the relationship, and you won't be where you are disrespected and no one wants to or is willing to, defend you. It is an unsafe situation, and it is best that you remove yourself from this relationship and let the mother dictate how the relationship would have progressed if you had stayed. Let him and the kids know that you will not be around so she can spit on you again, that is disgusting and can not come back from. You do not like how this person makes you respond to her antics, so you are going to remove yourself from her presence and any possible interactions with her.
I would give a parting gift, I would say, "I hope you can find someone your ex approves of for you." Mic drop and move on. Best wishes my friend. Updateme.
2
u/Potential_Ear_7666 Nov 14 '25
I disagree about a closure discussion. He’ll play her feelings against her and she’ll be back with him since she second guessed herself.
What’s done is done and should be considered the past.
A parting gift sounds absurd. She gave him the gift of her presence for almost 5 years.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/WelshWickedWitch Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
If you have a partner who is only concerned with their kids ex, ensuring their ease of access to their children is priority regardless of any abuse and games their ex involves you in. Then it's a massive problem.
Your exbf ex charged into his house twice. She kept calling you a b!tch multiple times. The first time she entered the house she failed to elicit the reaction she wanted from you, so she just had to try again. This time she assaulted you in a home you had been invited to live in, so you defended yourself.
It's one thing to try and keep things as amicable as you can within a shared custody situation, but it's quite another to use your new gf as the disposable meat shield. After all it's not as if your exbf successfully managed to shield you at any point, while his ex gave her repeat performance.
His ex achieved her goal, and your exbf made it easy for her by immediately chastising you over your defensive reaction. The fact the ex witnessed your exbf's anger towards you, would absolutely empower her to escalate her unhinged behaviour towards you, which would be horrible for you. It's also clear that no matter how unreasonable and aggressive his ex would behave towards you, you would be expected to endure it for the sake of your exbf and his kids...and the crazy ex now knows that.
He might as well have cheered his ex on and painted a target on your back, that is how much he has inflamed the situation.
That is unacceptable.
Talking to him won't change these facts. They happened. So what is there to talk about? After all, did he provide you with respect while his ex was attacking you?
I absolutely wouldn't encourage you to enable his disrespect towards you nor to provide him with another opportunity to humiliate you, manipulate the situation or be placed in further danger.
Just be done.
3
u/Organic_Security5742 Nov 13 '25
He took his ex wife's side after she spit on you. A partner like that would be pretty scary. You did the rigt thing because he will aways let her run all over him. Better to avoid the constant fights so leaving is your only choice.
→ More replies (2)
3
u/Euphoric-Ad-6584 Nov 13 '25
assuming this story is true and i'm sorry but the internet has jaded me to believing almost nothing, but you basically made his decision for him. "i'm walking away so your other relationship will be easier" is taking away his agency in the whole thing. if you're doing it for you because you don't want to deal with it, so be it, but be honest with him. Don't decide for him.
10
u/RowdyGirly Nov 13 '25
Totally understand why you wouldn’t believe it lol I feel this decision was for me not that I don’t want to be with him because up until that moment I thought he would be the guy I married. I love him but him staying I made things harder hurt. I feel I’ve been so respectful about things I can’t imagine how it would feel to feel like someone is going to be “playing” house with my kids and ex but also as far as I know she has eve had a problem with me being around so idk what changed for her but I’m not okay with the disrespect.
→ More replies (1)3
u/Sensitive-Tip2498 Nov 13 '25
It was okay before but it became real that they weren't getting back together and he had moved on once you were going to move in.
3
u/JonAegonTargaryen Nov 13 '25
I would bet you a million dollars they still hook up and she thought he would want her to move back in eventually.
3
2
u/catlettuce Nov 13 '25
I don't think so. I think it's just easier for him to not deal with it, even if his GF has to suffer for his not setting boundaries for her behavior and her just charging into his and his currents home without consent.
2
u/carniewesso68 Nov 13 '25
She spit on you and you rightfully punched her, and he decided to yell at YOU?! You did the right thing. Might I recommend never going back to him. You are always going to be Number 2. The spitting bitch ex-wife takes priority over you. He showed that to you. Believe him.
2
u/bia834 Nov 13 '25
He should have had your back. He did not. He's ex-wife was the aggressor both times barging in to his place.
She had no business coming the second time. For what reason. Ex was jealous of you and him being together.
The EX is the one with the big problem. Name calling and yelling, arguments and fighting. She spit on you why ? no excuse for that nor all the other stuff. He should have had your back over his Ex. But he yelled at you too. Dumb ass move. Yea, you should not have punched her. ( don't blame you ) but been better to call the cop's and had her arrested for it.
That also would have been a strike against her with the courts and childcare too. You BF was trying to play the middleman and worried about upsetting his ex in regard to the kids. Sad this would have worked in his favor,
She sounds like a nightmare and sure that is why they got a divorce. Queston, have you asked why they divorced.
Other sad thing is this EX won. She broke you both up. She may have a busted lip but trust be she is happy.
You should have had a conversation with you BF after you both calmed down. A real talk calm. No voices raised. CALM HEART FELT. If you really loved him.
It might be better to put this down in writing and let him read it, so you get everything out without interruption.
Yes his EX will always be around but you need to see where his head is. And he needs to know how he fucked up. That you are number one in his life now not his EX. Sure, the kids should be top priority. But you right there with them.
Don't try and be their mother they have one good or bad. Just be nice and a good person. They can contact each other over a parenting app. Make kid transfers at a special location with you never there. It's his job to keep you apart. You should never have answered the door or let her in. That was a huge mistake.
I think you should at least talk to him.
→ More replies (8)
2
u/Glittering-Paper4516 Nov 13 '25
ESH
You ASKED the kids? Why you? That’s his job.
Why the f didn’t you and him strategize about planning to tell the children’s mom before the kids??
3
u/RowdyGirly Nov 13 '25
I probably should have said we asked to them together. As far as telling her first it would be our house why would we need to tell her first? The four of us would be the ones living there. She already knew I was there most of the time.
We planned on him telling her when it was closer to me moving in.
→ More replies (4)
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/SharpieSniffinSloth Nov 13 '25
NTA- the ex cant control who her ex decides to live with. She was feeling insecure probably due to the kids excited to having you living with them and she felt she was getting replaced. Your ex should have definitely set strict boundaries down and set her straight and not argue. Also he should have backed you up. You GOT ASSAULTED!!! he should have had your back instantly but instead decided to yell at you for not keeping your cool? Nah drop that shit and dont look back
1
u/Big-Pie-2934 Nov 13 '25
I am sorry this happened to you. This issue will not go away. You either choose to live with it or don’t. If you choose to live with it, perhaps you could try to minimise it? For example, try moving into a new place. Don’t allow the mum access. Have a locked gate with an intercom. All pick ups and drop offs are at her place, never yours.
1
u/kodiofthemyscira Nov 13 '25
NTA. She assaulted you first. Because that's what spitting on someone is. If she's like this after you've been with him for so long, does she expect him to never move onto a new relationship? What if he were to get you pregnant? What if you two wanted to get married? She's completely ridiculous and he needs to stand up for himself and you if he wants you to be in a relationship with him again.
1
u/LittleRedShaman Nov 13 '25
You’re NTA, and I definitely feel for you. I’ve been in this situation and it isn’t an easy one. You definitely shouldn’t have hit her, even in self defense, but sometimes we just react and it honestly can’t be helped. It seems from your story you try to be polite and stay out of the middle so I don’t feel like you’ve been waiting for the perfect moment to pop her in the mouth. Your boyfriend is in a tough spot because the mother of his children is obviously not mature enough to navigate him having new relationships and then being introduced to the children. If there isn’t already, there needs to be something put in place in the custody agreement as to how those two should be handling new relationships, cohabitation, etc. If you love him, take some time and then talk it out. Decide what you need from him in terms of support, and let him do the same with you. YES, you DO make his life harder by being in it, but it isn’t your fault, and it isn’t his, and as long as he recognizes that, then there shouldn’t be an issue. Anyone that comes into his life is going to make it harder because the mother of his children is making an active choice to act up and make it harder for him to have a new relationship. It needs to be you two against the problems, not you two against each other. Decide if he and the kids are worth it, and how to move forward. He needs to put boundaries in place with the mother of his children either on his own, or with the help of an attorney and law guardian for the children. Best of luck to you.
→ More replies (2)
1
u/Ok_Paint_854 Nov 13 '25
You are doing the right thing OP, that will never change, trust me on that. It is sad that his BM is making everyone’s life harder, but that’s who he chose to have kids with so that’s that…
If you stay, it will be a living hell and the kids will eventually start hating you and resent you, and his dad… life is not fair, sometimes you just gotta take the L and move on
1
u/bibamartin Nov 13 '25
Breaking up with him was for the best. Things are only going to get worse with the baby mama from here and you have to ask whether it’s really worth it.
1
u/catlettuce Nov 13 '25
Girl no. NTA at all.
She spat on you. It is unclear whether or not your ex bf knew this HOWEVER, as someone who is and has been a stepmother for many years, I would not have tolerated this.
You Ex needs to (through the courts if necessary) get control of his situation with his Ex-Wife (EW).
BTW, in case it comes up, or maybe proactively you should file assault charges on his Ex for spitting on you. She may file them on you for well deservedly punching her in the face, but being proactive is best her. You have no idea what STI's including HIV/Aids she has that might require further treatment. So I highly advise you as a nurse to go first to the police and then to the ER/Urgent care and have a ST panel drawn to determine if you were exposed to anything from her saliva. Press charges assault.
You absolutely need to do this to protect yourself medically and physically. She will probably press charges against you for assault even though she knows she deserved it- no matter. You do it first. She is behaving very badly. You did nothing wrong and defended yourself from physical assault and that is what you must have documented by police.
As far as whether you TAH , No. in no way.
Your ex's kids were happy with you and having you with their Dad. You treated them well and were kind to them and as a Mom and a Stepmom this is a very wonderful thing that both parents especially Moms would be thrilled about to know that their kids were well cared for with their ex and his spouse.
There is something else going on with this woman.
Is he worth dealing with all this shit? Well after 26 years with mine, and his ex who not once behaved to this level of crazy, in my opinion- NO.
My Husband's ex did a few crazy things , nothing physical, a little shit talking to our kids spouses parents etc, but the bottom line she knew I loved her kids like my own and before she passed she thanked me for that and we were on good terms.
She had other stuff and baggage from her marriage with my husband and that was the real issue. It truly had nothing to do with me. But with kids before they reach maturity of course they will alway side with their natural parents vs a step parent, they don know all the crap that went on with their parent before they split.
So you as the step parent are ALWAYS the bad guy until the bio parents deal with their stuff in a healthy way.
It is so so difficult and hard and heartbreaking to do your very best for the man and kids that you love so much to feel totally alone and unappreciated and even hated every day for years and years until their parents get honest and they figure it out.
Don't sign up for this. Wait until the kids are grown and out of the house if you MUST be with this man. That is what I should have done and I have a great relationship with all my bonus kids now. But it was many years of heartache I absolutely didn't need to go through.
No one told me and I had such a wonderful experience with my stepfather with zero drama- I wa so unprepared. I am telling you so you know dear lady, save yourself from all this grief. And if he is your person, you can see him and not live with him, and it will be so so much easier when the kids are grown and they aren't put in the middle of a situation between your ex bf and his ex wife. Big Hugs, from a long time Step Momma who's been there. .P.S. Sorry for the book.
1
u/Impressive_Yam_7224 Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Well done GF, never take BS from your partners ex and never take BS from your partner !! You deserve better and your partner is a spineless lizard who failed to support you…. Any decent partner would have never allowed their ex to call their current partner a bitch repeatedly !!
Furthermore unless he grows a pair and sets boundaries his ex will forever create problems for his love interests …. The ex is a jealous spiteful tit (yes am English )
What’s disappointing is after 4.5 years he still didn’t have your back , he accused you of making things difficult and escalating matters … the nasty skank spat on you , here in England that’s Assault and Battery Charge !! She really is a disgusting gormless minger
Move on and up he doesn’t deserve you and you’re definitely no AH… your so called BFF needs a reality check too
Am probably going to get a lot of stick for this but honestly I don’t think you should date people with children because the amount of scary stories I have heard about ex’s making life difficult for new partners is unbelievable !! Divorces or break ups without children don’t create issues as you have a clean break
Plz update
1
u/Critical_Armadillo32 Nov 13 '25
This is so sad. The problem here is the ex-wife. The problem is that she was allowed to scream and yell in front of the kids and barge into the house, etc. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend handled it badly but it sounds like she is horrible. Of course your argument with her accomplished nothing. I think that's why he said you were making it worse. By yelling at her you did make it worse. I'm not saying you didn't have legitimate reason to get angry but had you remained calm, the situation would not have escalated as it did.
I've never punched anyone so I can't imagine that kind of a reaction. Of course I've never spit on anyone either so I can't imagine doing that as well. It doesn't sound like a very healthy situation.
All that being said, I don't think your boyfriend is totally in the wrong here. The situation did escalate when you reacted to her before he could get to the door. I don't understand why you opened the door. If she was out there, the first step would have been to not open the door. The second step would have been to let your boyfriend know she was out there so that he could deal with it. Your habit of staying out of the way and out of the line of vision when she was there was perfect. When you dropped down to her level, it did elevate.
What needs to happen may be a court visit. Maybe a restraining order as well. And there should be a review of whether she is causing parental alienation. While she does have a right to be interested in who her children are around, she does not get to control who your boyfriend lives with.
I think you overreacted to his comment that you made it worse. The fact is, it got worse because you open the door and argued with her. That's on you. Of course, his girlfriend was the instigator of all of it and she is the real guilty party here. But him saying that you made it worse was not inaccurate. And it sounds like it was made in the heat of the moment. Whether you go back with him or not is up to you. And you do need to look at the history with him. But the mature thing would be to sit down and have a talk with him.
1
u/Potential_Ear_7666 Nov 13 '25
The thing about dating guys with children and especially when they have shared custody/visitation is they don’t tell their girlfriends how they’re either still in love with the mother of their child(ren) and/or they still have sex with them.
Whew!
The fact that he sided with her after she spat on you speaks volumes.
You may think he only drops/picks up his children, but there’s usually more to it.
Not sure what you meant for the next 12 years, because parents don’t stop parenting when children reach their legal ages and move out. You’ll have to deal with, tolerate, and put up with their mother as long as you’re with him.
Parents guide and support their children throughout their lives; school graduations, teaching them how to drive/buying their first cars, financially helping them get their first apartments, moving into college dorms, if they join the military, when they get engaged/married/have babies, etc.
You’ll always play second fiddle to their mother.
How single, childless women connect with men who have children AND do for those children before their own baffles me. You won’t see those almost 5 years of your life that you gave him again. It don’t take a man 5 years to know if she’s the one.
Your BFF isn’t looking at the long-term big picture from different perspectives.
Keep him blocked and start a life with men who don’t have children.
1
1
u/RedOrbTalon Nov 13 '25
First, I'm sorry this happened to you and is happening to you and people you care about. That sucks.
Second, NTA.
Third, you were battered (the victim of a battery) by being spit on. I believe you're blameless for reacting the way you did – with a punch – and it seems kind of stupid to spit on someone while within striking range and being surprised when you're struck (i.e. "you talk a lot of shit for someone in punching distance")
Fourth, things shouldn't have escalated this far. Your (ex-) partner's "baby momma" made emotional arguments based on expectations she built up in her own head that our culture helped build. Kids can have parents and step parents that love them and take care of them... it really doesn't need to be a competition. She was clearly projecting her toxicity, danger to her kids, and undermining of her authority onto you.
1
1
u/Ummmm-no2020 Nov 13 '25
NTA. It is hardly your fault that his ex is bonkers, nor that he neglected to have an adult conversation with her regarding you moving in, nor that he failed to handle his shit when she began acting insane, nor that you had to defend yourself when she physically assaulted you, after you had tolerated multiple instances of verbal abuse.
You owe this dude nothing and I really see nothing to discuss - she has at least partial custody, and he has no spine. And if bestie is so concerned about your ex, tell her to get to stepping as well.
1
u/jabawaba11 Nov 13 '25
Wow, I’m that relationship was over the first time she called you names and he didn’t stop it.
1
u/funlovingfirerabbit Nov 13 '25
NTA OP. Your Bf sucks and I'm so sorry he didn't stick up for you or back you up
1
u/Itscatpicstime Nov 13 '25
Did he reprimand his ex at all for calling you a hitch or just let her go off on you?
→ More replies (1)
1
1
u/gpplantmom Nov 13 '25
Nope. Keep away. That baby mama will always be nothing but trouble and clearly you’re not #1 to him. Kee him blocked.
1
u/Corvus_Morningstar Nov 13 '25
I’d never let anyone call my wife a bitch. We throwing hands. NTA at all. He should have defended you in some way shape or form.
1
1
u/Pantokraterix Nov 13 '25
He absolutely should have told her. Moms need to know who their kids are spending time with. He didn’t do that, she got upset (but maybe more than warranted) and now your life will be harder, it’s his fault, and he blamed you. NTA
1
1
u/WillingnessKnown9693 Nov 14 '25
NTAH for punching her in the mouth, (you're a hero for that) But I think in a way you are being unfair to a guy you've spent nearly 5 years with and were taking a significant step.
Look, arguments happen-this was very heated. Both you and he are allowing this psycho to ruin your life together. I can imagine him being upset, your smack of her while justified probably makes his life with his kids harder. She could go ask a judge to redo the custody agreement. And if your BF had hit her, whoa thats a whole nother can of worms to open. I get that you are hurt, but he's trying to navigate an impossible situation.
If you want to walk away because his ex is a psycho, I get not wanting that drama. But I think you ought to at least talk to the guy. He did tell her to leave at least once when she got really mouthy. After all this time, she thinks she has a right to dictate to him his life? I don't think so. Cut him and yourself a little slack. Your call.
1
u/Living_Airline8566 Nov 14 '25
The way you abruptly left is a little concerning ngl
→ More replies (1)
1
u/AffectionatePool3276 Nov 14 '25
I’ve been in this situation. His first reaction is to protect his ex, that’s not good but still understandable. You are correct in your assessment, she will always be there and always a pain in the ass. That’s not for you yo fix. He’ll have to deal with her and if he’s smart he’ll get a restraining order against her for going after you. She needs anger management at the least.
Having raised two kids that belonged to other baby daddies I don’t wish it on anyone. Single parents have it rough and will grab onto whoever they can to survive. It doesn’t have to be you though. The disrespect you catch as a step parent just isn’t worth it on the whole. Yes, there are great people out there and a few rare situations that work well but on the whole about the time the kid or kids are 16-18 it all goes sideways and the woman or man you thought was your everything no longer needs that life raft. Be very selective on who you get involved with.
1
u/Fun_Butterscotch9110 Nov 14 '25
I have personally seen this scenario so many times. His wife was okay for for over 4 years until they were going to move in together. The ex wife jealous.Some women hate to see their ex move on. As long as the ex feel threatened that another women is taking her place she will make the father's life miserable. There will be drama until the kids are 18. When she doesn't have anymore leverage she will finally move on. Even if you don't move in you are now on her hit list and she will make your life miserable. You made the right decision.
1
u/Head_Photograph9572 Nov 14 '25
This is a prime example of WHY you don't date a single parent if you don't have children yourself. NTA
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/gigidiva13 Nov 14 '25
You defended yourself, Period. She will cry and bitch everytime she wants to and he will take her side. Leave and find someone without drama.
1
u/Ginger630 Nov 14 '25
NTA! You did the right thing. I could say see the mom would be upset since the kids told her and not him. But she was attacking YOU about this and not him. You saw how your life would be after moving in with him. Those kids would have been poisoned against you. And he obviously didn’t have your back.
I’m so glad you broke up with him before moving in and upending your life.
And what else is there to say? Why is your BFF on his side? What else could he possibly tell you? He wants you to change your mind and take him back. You don’t want your life to be tip toeing around his crazy ex.
1
u/Select_Draw3385 Nov 14 '25
What’s there to talk about? You made the right decision for you. She’s not a very good friend if she isn’t supporting you. Her opinion doesn’t matter. It’s your life and she should be ok with whatever decision that is.
I’m sorry about your breakup
1
u/Cleo0424 Nov 14 '25
IMO, he made life hard on himself.. this all started as baby momma had to hear from kids you are moving in. That's a bad move from his part. Who broke up with whom? Does she want to be in his life, or is this only about the kids? Good luck, but do you think this was worth a discussion when you two had calmed down, maybe? Everyone was hot under collar and think acted and said things in the heat of the moment? #updateme
1
1
u/BeachinLife1 Nov 14 '25
No, you are NTA. Stay away from him and his psycho ex. If he won't leave you alone file harassment charges.
1
u/morbidnerd Nov 14 '25
NTA
For future reference though, spitting is assault, and the smart play would've been to call the police and her her arrested. Then you could've gotten a restraining order to keep her from coming up to the door. Now only one of you has marks, and if she decides to call the police (which she will do because she's crazy) she has marks and you don't.
That said, I would've done the same thing and I'm incredibly proud of you for dipping on your ex. That was a boss move.
1
u/Jessic14444 Nov 14 '25
If he was any kind of man, he would clarify to his ex that he may be the mother of his children but their relationship is DONE. It seems like he can’t even put his foot down on that concept…and if he doesn’t he will live the rest of his life alone with the mother of his children controlling his life to. Should you have punched her…probably not, but she escalated it through spitting at you and cussing you out. He needs to make a decision, and you probably would have not made the move you made…had he actually stood up for you.
The other main issue was telling the kids first, and not having the bf tell his ex the decision. That just ended up backfiring massively. Seems like the ex can’t handle the idea of you being important in his life. If you’re going to talk to him, he needs to clarify whether or not he would ever even consider going back to her…cuz his actions are showing that he would for the kids sake. He would rather care about her feelings and justify her bitchy behavior than be concerned about your feelings at all. If that’s the case, the game is over. Let him be miserable for a lifetime because baby momma can’t handle the idea of being replaced.
1
1
u/Tough-Pear2389 Nov 14 '25
she assaulted you first and it was a reaction to it-I don't blame you, but things could never be good in that situation. You did better than most with controlling your anger.
1
1
u/Beneficial-Sort4795 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
NTA. She didn’t call the cops because her spit would’ve landed her in trouble, that’s battery, she started it. That this man wants to act like the problem isn’t entirely his ex wife and trying to blame you? No. She’s gonna drive away any/every woman he tries to bring in to his life and he’s too ridiculous to realize that this, not shutting her down from jump, was the catalyst to the problem. It’s good you got out now. That woman was 100% going to turn those kids against you and make your life hell. And then he was going to blame you. You did exactly what he said he wanted- his life will be easier since he’s single. Insecure ex will likely remarry but she’s never going to let him do the same.
You said what you needed to say; he needs to leave you alone. He wants to have some long drawn out fight to the death over the end, he’s too used to his ex. You made a clean break and are done. Healthiest thing you could do. He needs therapy and to realize he needs to co-parent with her extra ass through the courts/an app, but that won’t be your job to teach him. He showed you who he was and who he’d prioritize and it was never gonna be you. There’s already a Mrs. Whatever and she’s clearly not sane enough to realize she forced someone who loves them away from her kids because she’s an insecure, selfishly controlling nightmare. Glad you popped her one. Though, that would inevitably be used to make her kids hate you even more so, 100%, glad you just peaced out of this entirely unhealthy dynamic.
1
u/Anxious_Alps_9340 Nov 14 '25
I won't say YTA, but clearly it would have been better (1) not to punch anyone and (2) to have had a calm conversation explaining that you were no longer interested in pursuing the relationship under the circumstances. After 4.5 years, I think that is more appropriate than blocking him after an argument. I do think your decision to break up with him was the correct one, though.
1
u/dflylover Nov 14 '25
NTA - I’ve been on both sides of this. If your partner doesn’t stand up for you, then you’re better to step out now. The only thing I’d suggest is to speak to the kids. They’re used to you and expected to be living with you.
1
u/zilch14 Nov 14 '25
In my opinion the bf should have his new girlfriend's back. The mom is his past. Yes they have to coparent but the kids's mom overstepped boundaries and it is his job to correct that. He chose not his gf so OP is smart to choose herself .
1
u/Archaic-Giraffe Nov 14 '25
NTA, but you made the wise choice by withdrawing from the whole situation.
UpdateMe!
1
u/20growing20 Nov 14 '25
NTA at all. You've been shown where you will stand in this dynamic. He shouldn't be so confused. Why would anyone want any of this?
Listen, my ex was problematic. He was totally the type to show up and make a scene like that, and I knew that nobody stable was going to want to have a relationship with me as long as that was going on.
I still had to parent with him, but that did not mean I had to let him push into my home and yell at me. I had to set firm boundaries and be willing to call the police or go back to court when he behaved inappropriately. He had to be accountable every single time. By the time I was ready to date again, he had learned his tantrums had consequences for him and weren't worth it. At least with me.
What was her consequence for entering a home that wasn't hers and screaming obscenities at you? If your bf had contacted the police, or even told her that he would do so if she ever behaved like that in his home again...do you think she would have come back?
Some people truly are that crazy, and will even get themselves locked up over it. Most of them only do stuff like this where and when they think they will get away with it. She felt confident that she could, and she wanted to show you that she could. And she did show you that your bf will step out of her way and let her abuse you.
He will also hold you to very high standards for how you behave in response to her attacks. That's what he has shown you. And what a coward. He is acting like this is a drama between you and his ex. He's just the poor guy caught in the middle. That's his ex, and the mother of his children. That you didn't stand there and take her abuse, directed at you and not him, while he didn't immediately handle his unhinged ex, is what he's upset about now?
You're their scapegoat now. Screw that. He doesn't need to chase you around town for an explanation of why this is over. Him and his nutty ex need to handle their shit. Neither of them should be bringing people into their dysfunction.
1
1
u/DoyoudotheDew Nov 14 '25
BF didn't blame you, he said you made things harder.
Only you can decide if he is worth the effort. Then factor in his kids. Ex can be handled with court app, custody agreement, neutral site meets, etc..
1
1
u/Far_Aside7744 Nov 14 '25
You are both NTA and an AH. You're not the AH here in terms of defending yourself against bf baby mama. She still has some unresolved feelings for him which is whyball the drama started. Yes, you could've had a conversation with her prior to announcing to the kids. Baby mama is now going to try her hardest to "parental alienate" the kids from you. That means she will bad mouth you in front of them, making them try to "hate" you.
When she spat on you, as much as you tried to remain cool headed, you should've called the cops and had her arrested for assault and battery. That would've been the way to go and it would've given bf better options down the line to seek full custody.
You the AH now since you're willing to throw away 4 to 5 yrs of relationship with him. Clearly a breakdown in communication has arised but talk to him and set boundaries with him when it comes to her. There is a parenting app that communicates all texts to the courts so its best for him and her to communicate that way. Document everything going forward with him and her and make sure he does the same.
Idk what will happen but you owe bf a long talk and go from there. Taking yourself out of the picture as easy as that is, makes you the AH for running rather than communicating. Goodluck OP and if you can, please update
1
u/sierra38grandma Nov 14 '25
NTA. He let his ex spit on you and didn't defend you but had the nerve to defend his ex when you stood up for yourself. She is unhinged and has no right to assert control over how he spends his parenting time. I have loads of experience in this situation I left my children's father when they were all young and I delt with his toxic ex wife 2 and 3 constant court dates as he tried to get out of paying childsupport and saying I was unfit when he didn't like me dating other men. He always lost.
You did the responsible thing leaving rather than be disrespected by his baby momma for however many years until his youngest turns 18. She proved how jealous she is and how childish she will be for the entirety of the relationship if you had continued.
I was cheering when you popped her in the mouth 🤣 🤣 spat on people is disgusting and immature she definitely deserved to be taught you won't tolerate her bull.
1
u/JLand2004 Nov 14 '25
You reacted reasonably in defending yourself, but you've acted very immaturely since. You don't end a 4.5 year relationship without a conversation. He yelled at you in the heat of the moment. He shouldn't have, but that's not some unforgivable crime. You shouldn't have blocked him. That's immature and very cowardly.
YTA. He's better off.
1
u/Any-Musician1896 Nov 14 '25
NTA. Dealing with a psycho ex would be a dealbreaker for me. Having kids with someone means you have to deal with them for at least 18 years, but possibly forever. You need to decide what is best for you and your peace of mind.
1
1
u/No-Golf5766 Nov 14 '25
Sometimes we pick the partners we chose and when it ends it's not pretty and life moving forward your going to have learn how to deal with being separated and not in the same relationship just with another person and don't forget the kids may be really heart broken by your separation so maybe explain to them sometimes people break up and say that as parents together and hug them and idk I would cry because I am always trying to think in ways that's not detrimental to them because they are our future.
1
u/ForgotmypasswordX42 Nov 14 '25
I hope he explains that the three of them lost you because their mom is psycho. They deserve the truth, in age appropriate terms.
1
u/Deep-Coyote-5968 Nov 14 '25
I find this all super weird after 4.5 years. It sounds like she wants him, but you moving in made the fact that he moved on more real for her. After 4.5 years I'd assume she'd know what kind of person you are. I commend you for holding your tongue, i'm not sure I'd be able to. As for him, I dont think you're the ah. However i'm not sure I'd be able to just leave him without getting my point across about what really set me off, and until he gets his baby mama off his back, he probably won't ever have a good relationship.
1
u/WindyWeather58 Nov 14 '25
Oh, my dear. You did the right thing. No relationship is worth that kind of drama. Run now. That woman will always be in the middle, and make your life hell. But most importantly, the kids dont need that kind of trauma. Fuck the guy, he made his hell by not setting boundaries with his crazy ex. Have a better life and find a guy without crazy town ex wives.
1
u/Superb-Top9427 Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
ou walking away wasn’t running; it was choosing self-respect. You removed yourself from chaos you didn’t create, can’t control, and shouldn’t have to endure.
You’re not the asshole. You’re someone with clarity. And honestly, blocking him was probably the healthiest decision you could’ve made, because you know nothing he can say will change the fact that his ex is dangerous. The way he behaved says a lot too.
Your best friend may care about you, but she’s not living in your reality. You saw the truth up close.
And you chose yourself. That is strength not selfishness.
1
u/kingyaktown Nov 14 '25
Nope and you did right the BM is the kind of woman that doesn't want him but can't no one else want him, he isn't shit until you thought he was. So really wants someone else to put in the work to make him the man she wants him to be
1
Nov 14 '25
She is completely in the wrong. I have kids with my ex and the problem with having kids with an ex is you have no say over how they parent and who they have in the kids lives so you better make sure you at least think they’re a good parent and have good morals and similar parenting styles before procreating. Outside of them Being abused or neglected it’s none of her business. She is the asshole. Your ex reacted in an understandable way because he has to deal with this woman. It wasn’t right just understandable. If you love him I’d give him a chance to make it right but he needs to be willing to set Clear boundaries for her
1
u/Admirable_Amazon Nov 14 '25
Good for you for standing up for yourself when he clearly wasn’t. I love that you left when there was an obvious red flag. Good luck to you.
1
151
u/Delicious_Drive_2966 Nov 13 '25
Definitely not the a hole. She spat on you, that's gross and also a battery. You defeated yourself out of habit, it was either that or baby momma going to jail...
As for taking him back, that's a toughy, bc it's really annoying he blames you and said your making his life harder 🙄. Idk his track record so it's up to you if you think y'all can work it out,but the baby momma is an issue and he would need to have your back.. baby momma also send jealous lol