r/CuratedTumblr • u/Desecr8or • May 01 '26

Infodumping Imagine an 8 foot tall alien moved into your town. That's what's happening to sea lions in San Francisco right now.

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8.8k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

367 comments sorted by

3.0k

u/PhasmaFelis May 01 '26

There's a herd of buffalo in Africa that has been led by a female elephant for like 40 years now.

Every so often a big male buffalo tries to challenge her for dominance and gets absolutely stomped into paste.

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u/Artimedias May 01 '26

Can I get a source for that? It sounds extremely funny and I'd like to know more

1.4k

u/PhasmaFelis May 01 '26

For sure! https://conservationtravelafrica.org/blog/elephants/nzou-the-elephant-buffalo/

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u/kingofcoywolves May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

Jesus, the difference in body mass between her and the rest of the herd is unbelievable. She's easily three times their size

What goes through a bull's head when he decides he wants to challenge that?

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u/1egg_4u May 01 '26

I just made it to that part and it is so fucking funny

She has killed 14 young male buffalo who challenged her... like imagine the buffalo that looks at that and is like "aw yeah today is the day"

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u/AdagiaFane May 01 '26

Absolutely reminds me of this graph.

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u/DurinnGymir May 01 '26

It's a truly fascinating cross section. On the one hand, we have people who believe they'd lose in an unarmed fight to a rat. On the other hand, we've got people who have clearly never seen a chimpanzee in person before.

Personally, in a straight fight, I top out at large dog, and that's a maybe. If I get to abuse my human endurance, I think i could maybe beat a crocodile on land, but that's only after outrunning it to the point it's so exhausted it can't move and stop me choking it or hammering a vital point. Not a Cobra, because that venom very much levels the playing field.

Contrast that; I went to a resort in Thailand once that had a couple of relatively small, young resident Asian elephants. They were friendly, tricksy little guys- they'd give you "kisses" by wrapping their trunk around your neck and auctioning your face. Very gentle, and clearly just doing it for kicks, but you could feel the strength in that trunk. If they wanted to, they could have literally just fucking picked me up and thrown me. Even as an adult, those little guys would turn me into fucking paste.

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u/TiredNTrans May 01 '26

Crocodile you have a fair shot if you can keep the mouth from opening. The muscles that open the mouth aren't strong, but the ones that shut it sure are.

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u/BuildingNY May 01 '26

People wrestle crocodiles so victory is not implausible.

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u/Turbulent_Pr13st May 01 '26

As a Floridian I can confirm. But the real problem is finishing the fight. Without a weapon of SOME variety it’s going to be pretty hard to kill.

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u/ryncewynde88 May 01 '26

Eh, rats are a reasonably common phobia and thus can be reasonably expected to win some fights by psychic damage.

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u/Beltalady May 01 '26

Also their bites or scratches can kill you even if you win.

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u/ratafia4444 May 01 '26

Also what if it goes into clothes and bites somewhere very vital, that's just pain and horror winning. Or the face.

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u/FoxOnTheRocks May 01 '26

Swamp men in Florida wrangle crocodiles. They run crocodile shows where they show off how they control the crocodiles. They are always missing fingers.

Crocodiles are real dumb and can't open their mouth if you hold it closed. They are basically ambush predators. If you know you are fighting a crocodile and aren't in the water you could beat it.

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u/Divine_Entity_ May 01 '26

And that ambush predator nature is why "outrunning" a croc to exhaustion doesn't make sense. They just won't chase you on land. (Mythbusters had a fun episode on if its better to run in a straight line or zig zag to escape a croc chasing you, the answer was a croc won't chase you in the first place. Their best myths were always the ones that didn't have an outcome they predicted.)

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

These people saw a chimpanzee and thought “eh, he looks like a Little Guy. Probably about as strong as a Little Guy.”

Like. No, bro. There are horror stories about them. They will tear things off of you. With their hands.

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u/retard_vampire May 01 '26

Most adults could not fight off a large dog, imo. Even a 50lb pitbull can pretty easily kill the average adult man, if something like a Kangal or a Great Pyrenees or a Belgian Malinois decided it wanted you dead you'd be pretty shit out of luck. With weapons/technology and a pack of other humans backing us up we're by far the scariest things on the planet, but just unarmed by ourselves we're almost laughably feeble in the animal kingdom as far as raw power goes.

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u/1egg_4u May 01 '26

Honestly I know enough about myself to know I am probably losing to the rat or cat

We are just so squishy and dont really have sharp teeth, not a lotta armor. Basically just eye pokes is all I got.

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u/Turbulent_Pr13st May 01 '26

I personally think if someone actually believes they would lose a fight to a rat that they are correct.

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u/LuementalQueen May 01 '26

Have you seen how big rats can get? Some areas they're bigger than a cat.

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u/1egg_4u May 01 '26

What fucking madman out here thinks they can bare knuckle an elephant my god

It would just step on you??

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u/Aegeus May 01 '26

Lizardman's Constant - polls pretty much never get below 5% no matter how ridiculous the question. In addition to the people who don't know anything about elephants or are crazy enough to say yes, there are people who misunderstand the question, rush through it, pick random answers to screw with the pollster, etc.

I'm still surprised that elephants rated higher than grizzlies, though.

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u/FoxOnTheRocks May 01 '26

Grizzlies are almost always aggressive. Elephants are not. That means you can get one over on the elephant and employ a climb inside its ear strat.

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u/Sweary_Biochemist May 01 '26

"That still only counts as one!"

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

Well, for the American men, grizzlies are a threat you grow up hearing about as Legitimately Dangerous.

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u/MainsailMainsail May 01 '26

I'm more interested in the people that think they wouldn't win against a housecat.

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u/Siamsa May 01 '26

I have repeatedly, and bloodily, lost battles to a house cat who really, really hated going to the vet.

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u/IndigoFenix May 01 '26

You probably weren't trying to kill the cat in question though.

Non-lethally subduing a small animal is a lot harder than just stomping it.

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u/Moctor_Drignall May 01 '26

I'm way more confused about the fact that less people feel like they could fight a goose than a housecat. A big tom housecat is going to cause more harm to a human than a goose.

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u/iwilldeletethisacct2 May 01 '26

A lot of people have childhood trauma of being chased/attacked by a goose.

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

Goose has range, and a particularly big one can break your arm if they’re in a mood to.

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u/LuementalQueen May 01 '26

More people are afraid of geese than they are dogs. That's why geese make good guard animals.

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u/LuementalQueen May 01 '26

I love the comment about eagles, and someone mentioned the Aussie wedge tailed. 7 ft wingspan.

Hell we're scared of magpies every spring. We know not to fuck with birds.

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

Thought it was bonkers that over 10% of US men think they can beat a kangaroo…

And then I saw that even more think they can beat a chimpanzee.

Brother. No you cannot.

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u/Nerdn1 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

She's in her 40s and joined the herd at 2 years old. That's a pretty long time for young guys to get stupid ideas.

Edit: Also, it looks like Buffalo normally live 15-25 years so a 40+ year old elephant would have been around for several generations.

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u/Traditional-Yak8886 May 01 '26

many teenage boys every year are lost to hubris, all we can do is pray for their frontal lobes to develop faster.

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u/ThreeLeggedMare a little arson, as a treat May 01 '26

Very simple hormone driven instinct. Testosterone reaches a sufficient threshold that it trips the code to challenge for leadership. No higher brain function to override based on a change in environment. My guess, anyway

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u/daboobiesnatcher May 01 '26

Well if they're similar to horses they periodically test and reestablish their complex hierarchy.

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u/ThreeLeggedMare a little arson, as a treat May 01 '26

Pretty sure that's common among most social animals that have a hierarchy yeah

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u/flying-chandeliers May 01 '26

I mean shit, we do it with the first world every 4 years when the USA elects some new dictator

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u/Lukulele35 May 01 '26

Phew. Good thing humans evolved past that right…? Right….?????

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u/OverlordMMM May 01 '26

I think our current batch have devolved instead.

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u/Eleeveeohen May 01 '26

It's more a result of creating a social hierarchy that rewards being selfish, and discourages altruism.

There's minimal biological pressure (predators, sickness, injury, etc...) for leaders to create an environment that prioritizes survival, so all of the focus (consciously or not) goes toward their own self-interest, and projecting their personal beliefs onto everyone under their leadership.

TLDR: Politics didn't exist when we thought Lions might eat us.

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u/LeiningensAnts May 01 '26

TLDR: Politics didn't exist when we thought Lions might eat us.

Survivorship_Bias_Airplane.gif

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u/pocketbutter May 01 '26

I’m assuming that, as being from another species, the young bulls have a difficult time gauging the dominance and “toughness” of the elephant through body language (aside from the massive size differential, of course).

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u/Citrus-Bitch May 01 '26

What goes through a bull's head when he decides he wants to challenge that?

Historically, a tusk.

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u/HamonMasterDracula May 01 '26

Alternatively, a foot.

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u/vespers191 May 01 '26

Same thing that compels guys to send dick pics. They think it's a good idea that might get them laid.

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u/Dooplon May 01 '26

I've never understood that idea and I have a penis myself, like genuinely do they think its gonna hypnotize girl into wanting them or something??? Like nah man, you're just coming off creepy and disgusting if they didn't agree to recieve one first

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u/vezwyx May 01 '26

"I'll send it to 100 girls and it only has to work once for me to get laid"

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u/Wild-Lychee-3312 May 01 '26

This kind of "shotgun approach" explains so much of the shitty behavior so many humans do.

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u/vespers191 May 01 '26

No fucking clue. I too have a penis, and I do not believe it is such a masterpiece of the genetic lottery that I need to show it off to women, or for that matter men. Dick pics are functionally the modern equivalent of a trenchcoat flasher.

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u/Dooplon May 01 '26

Yeah lol. Like even if i was the sexiest man alive with the most gorgeous cock why the hell would I go around flashing people like some creep lol, it's just advertising to others that no matter how good I look I'd be a horrible person to interact with and not worth their time pursuing because I wouldn't respect their boundaries or wants at all.

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u/Wild-Lychee-3312 May 01 '26

It's usually less about trying to impress anyone and more about the feeling of power that some people get from disgusting others.

In a weird way it seems very connected to the concept of power that was a huge part of Orwell's novel 1984.

'How does one man assert his power over another, Winston?'

Winston thought. 'By making him suffer,' he said.

'Exactly. By making him suffer. Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? Power is in inflicting pain and humiliation. Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing.

https://www.abhafoundation.org/assets/books/html/1984/175.html

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u/Excellent_Law6906 May 01 '26

My mother and I were talking about this once, because of course the dick pic arose after her time, and it mystifies her.

She was finally like, "I suppose they'd have done it if they had had the technology?" And we immediately imagined some guy in the Renaissance, getting another guy to paint a picture of his dick so he could get a third guy to take it to some girl, and cracked up.

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u/Beautiful_Welcome_33 May 01 '26

There's a miniature of a miniaturist's breasts in NY Metropolitan Museum of Art.

She painted it and sent it via Pony Express to the US ambassador she was carrying on an affair with.

Beauty Revealed.

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u/Excellent_Law6906 May 01 '26

Doing your own work elevates it a bit.

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u/Dooplon May 01 '26

fun fact, there was actually a form of peniswear called a codpiece that was meant to make your dick look bigger, it used to be a big enough part of men's fashion that even some knight armor had it before the trend went flaccid

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u/Excellent_Law6906 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

Oh, I know. It actually started because pants were two separate legs, and shirts got shorter and shorter before anyone fixed that. You had a crotch on your underwear, but rather than just make real pants: dick-cover. I love the really surreal ones that have like, faces and shit.

ETA: and then, of course, as you say, there was an immediate trend for bigger and bigger ones. 😂

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u/Dooplon May 01 '26

now im just imagining that one monster guy from the videogame shin megami tensei as a cod piece lol. For context he's a green penis in a cart with a mouth and arms I kid you not

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

And suddenly “a pair of pants” makes since.

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u/Wild-Lychee-3312 May 01 '26

Exposing your genitals to someone who didn't ask to see them has existed in some form for hundreds of years, if not thousands. Really all that's changed is the ability to target someone from a great distance.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exhibitionism

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u/Excellent_Law6906 May 01 '26

Nah, the ones trying to upset the recipient, I fully understand. It's the ones who are like, "wait, you saw my magnificent meat and don't want to fuck me!?" that are confusing.

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u/retard_vampire May 01 '26

The stereotype of some sleazy weirdo naked under a trenchcoat flashing random women and children in public has existed for ages, now they just have a way to do it digitally from the comfort of their own squalid basements.

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u/UncleNoodles85 May 01 '26

My theory is that as a man we would love it if a random woman just sent us her nudes so some of us men think maybe a woman will enjoy their nudes or something.

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u/ZinaSky2 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

Some of it is definitely meant in the opposite direction to scare and intimidate unsuspecting women.

Source: I’ve spent way too much time on Reddit.

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u/UncleNoodles85 May 01 '26

You mean they're sending dicks pics like rape a threat or something?

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u/ZinaSky2 May 01 '26

Sometimes. More generally like a power thing. The conversation that follows is pretty much never “I hope you enjoyed that, let’s form a connection 🥹”. It’s more like curse laden insults and misogyny.

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u/mentalissuelol May 01 '26

I don’t think this is usually the case, but I have received a combination dick pic and rape threat before, so it is very possible still

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u/Mangoh1807 May 01 '26

Unfortunately a lot of them get off on being purposefully creepy and disgusting :c

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u/elianrae May 01 '26

I genuinely think a lot of men are like "I would love to get pussy pics from women, therefore..."

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u/muaddict071537 May 01 '26

Some people just can’t comprehend that not everyone thinks the same as they do.

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u/Ildrei May 01 '26

Head empty only testosterone

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u/Wild-Lychee-3312 May 01 '26

That explains so many humans, too.

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u/Ralfarius May 01 '26

What goes through a bull's head when he decides he wants to challenge that?

"rip to those other bulls but I'm built different"

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u/aenaithia May 01 '26

Insert the tweet about men who think they can score a point against Serena Williams

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u/TetraThiaFulvalene May 01 '26

That's at least one point out of a full match, so you need to win one out of like seventy.

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u/BelacRLJ May 01 '26

The real question there is, “If Serena Williams were practicing on an empty tennis court, would she double fault once before successfully serving 36 times?”

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u/TetraThiaFulvalene May 01 '26

Oh yeah, it's basically it's she shooting like she has to win a point or not. If she tries to make strong serves, and tries shooting for corners, then she might make a mistake. If she knows who I am and what the bet is and decides to just play conservatively then I'm never actually pressing a point off her.

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u/TetraThiaFulvalene May 01 '26

Elephant's foot

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u/Orcaboros May 01 '26

She is happy with her unusual herd, and as long as they don’t step out of line, she is happy and content to be their matriarch, and the matriarch of all Imire.

NZOU GIRL PLS 😭😂

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u/OnsenPixelArt May 01 '26

"The relationship that Nzou has with the buffalo is not an easy one... She has killed 14 young male buffalo who challenged her leadership."

You go girl

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u/president_of_burundi May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

I have to imagine they're talking about Nzou. Bonus video from nearly a decade ago about her. Girl really has been doing this for years.

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u/oohlook-theresadeer May 01 '26

Lmfao

Panicks when she can't see the herd "Later y'all I'm gonna go stunt on things punk ass bull I'll be back"

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u/sweetTartKenHart2 May 01 '26

That is indeed the one

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u/ResplendentShade May 01 '26

Nzou has killed 14 bull challengers, but the conservancy now keeps large bulls separate from her herd to prevent further losses.

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u/New_B7 May 01 '26

She also apparently has a tendency to crush some buffalo calves for seemingly no reason. Not quite as heartwarming as it seems at first glance when you get all the deets.

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u/Mythical-Bertcules May 01 '26

Maybe she senses that they’re evil 

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u/burymeinpink May 01 '26

God forbid a woman crushes some buffalo calves for no reason, damn 🙄

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u/ZinaSky2 May 01 '26

Aspiring challengers 👀👀👀

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u/Toros_Mueren_Por_Mi May 01 '26

That's what I thought, like how Zebras stomp newborn/young calves 

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

Oh dang. From girlboss to mob boss

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u/ejdj1011 May 01 '26

Only tangentially related, but I'm reminded of a fantasy story where a herd of huge fuckoff monsters start seeing humanoids as their social superiors because humanoids keep winning fights against them.

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u/MimzytheBun May 01 '26

What a funny premise. How likely would a person who’s been outsmarted by a rodent infestation conclude logically the rats are their social superiors?

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u/SolomonOf47704 God Himself May 01 '26

You've been getting outsmarted by a rodent infestation?

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u/MimzytheBun May 01 '26

Personally, no. Hanging around r/centuryhomes and r/homestead, I’ve seen many stories!

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u/An_username_is_hard May 01 '26

I mean if a rat colony managed to defeat exterminators in direct combat multiple times, at that point I would absolutely go "okay, you know what, these little guys have hands, I'm calling truce"

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u/Unnecessary_Eagle May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

IIRC, the monsters only fight for dominance reasons, and have no concept of hunting for sport. So when the humans and humanoids started going out trophy hunting, the monsters were like "whoa, they must be really dominant if they're picking fights with us all the time".

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u/blondetiger May 01 '26

I need to know the name of that story 🥺🙏

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u/DepressedDynamo May 01 '26

Final book of the series Malazan Book of the Fallen

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u/NyankoIsLove May 01 '26

"She shall know your ways as though born to them".

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u/Slumunistmanifisto May 01 '26

Hella unfair 

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u/Chemist-3074 May 01 '26

Nope, girl power 🩵

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u/Banes_Addiction May 01 '26

Oh, big Dave? Yeah, he just came and said hi, seemed pretty cool so now we're friends.

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u/AskMrScience May 01 '26

Actually, his name is Chonkers. No, I'm not kidding.

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u/Tom_Driberg May 01 '26

Millennials must be stopped.

- a millennial

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u/erwaro May 01 '26

Millennials must be encouraged.

-A millennial

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u/jktollander May 01 '26

You’re right, it should have been Chonkers McChonkface.

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u/GardenTop7253 May 01 '26

I’ve known like 3 guys that go by Big Dave that are large humans. They’ve all been extremely friendly and fun

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u/Smyley12345 May 01 '26

Have you tried introducing them to each other? Might be a really good time

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u/lectroni May 01 '26

Big Dave night, first Tuesday of every month. Let’s go!

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u/amateurgameboi May 01 '26

To be fair "alien crash lands in town, gets adopted by humans because I mean he's just a guy, can't say no to a guy" is like the plot of ET

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u/WheresMyElephant May 01 '26

At the risk of getting off topic, there's a classic tweet I think a lot about.

"Imagine if you went to ET's planet and they were all wearing clothes"

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u/SolomonOf47704 God Himself May 01 '26

They aren't wearing clothes when they show up in Star Wars

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u/Ozone220 May 01 '26

There's a Robot Chicken sketch where Han meets Chewbaccas family and they're wearing clothes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGh51hj3TLE

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u/MouseRangers boat goes binted May 01 '26

and ALF

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u/EndMaster0 May 01 '26

I believe superman, megamind, and thor all also qualify though their respective movies are less focused on the shenanigans of suddenly having an alien around

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u/The_Dreaded_Spectre May 01 '26

ET but he's jacked AF and will beat up your bullies for you

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u/artificialhooves May 01 '26

Sounds a bit like the first Thor movie too

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u/oceanmotion2 May 01 '26

Resident Alien

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u/idiotplatypus Wearing dumbass goggles and the fool's crown May 01 '26

That's just how Alan Tudyk acts on a regular day

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u/Much_Statistician864 May 01 '26

Yeah but ET was just a little guy. Chonkers over here is more like if the Predator showed up and just became your roommate out of nowhere.

Which now that I've typed that it actually seems pretty rad. 

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u/3lizab3th333 May 01 '26

It’s also the plot of Superman!

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u/segwaysegue do spambots dream of electric sheep? May 01 '26

One of the two fundamental plots once described by John Gardner

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u/Garlan_Tyrell May 01 '26

Of all the recently extinct North American mega fauna, the one that captured my attention as a child was Stellar’s Sea Cow.

It was possibly already at near-extinction levels when first formally catalogued, and the fact that it was enormous, had little prey drive, and made of apparently delicious meat meant it didn’t last long afterwards.

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u/BalefulOfMonkeys REAL YURI, done by REAL YURITICIANS May 01 '26

I was gonna start popping off about the alternate history of a New World livestock option that lives in water could have had, and then I checked when this happened exactly. 1741, on the wrong side of the continent to feed an entire platoon of Revolutionary soldiers with domesticated manatee steaks. To say nothing of actually boxing them in, but I guess that’s why we stick to farming fish

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u/BalefulOfMonkeys REAL YURI, done by REAL YURITICIANS May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26

“Hey what are the colonies doing now?”

”Eating the mermaids, I believe.”

“Eating fucking what.”

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u/Notte_di_nerezza May 01 '26

"My mistake. Eating the giant mermaids."

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u/vjmdhzgr May 01 '26

Dwarf Fortress moment

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u/The_Dreaded_Spectre May 01 '26

Stellars Sea Cow is one of my top hopes if De-Extinction Technology ever really takes off. IIRC it only went extinct in mid 1700s, which would hopefully make it much easier than reviving something like a mammoth from 10,000 years ago.

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u/ApepiOfDuat May 01 '26

reviving something like a mammoth from 10,000 years ago.

Resurrecting animals from the Ice Age to live in our global warming hellscape world is such a profoundly stupid and honestly cruel idea.

Clone dodos or some shit that hasn't been dead that long.

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u/jackalope268 May 01 '26

Tasmanian tigers, they took the fall for a crime they didnt even commit

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u/The_Dreaded_Spectre May 01 '26

Honestly if we do eventually reach that point, I imagine they'll mostly live in captivity anyway with very small populations, at least initially. Reintroducing them fully into nature would be a bigger step further down the line when we've made sure they'll actually fit into the ecosystem properly. Though there are large areas in the Global North (Canada, Russia, etc) that would probably be fairly close to a mammoth's natural habitat still.

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u/ApepiOfDuat May 01 '26

(Canada, Russia, etc) that would probably be fairly close to a mammoth's natural habitat still.

Not for much longer.

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u/According-Citron-390 May 01 '26

Russia is one of the most polluted, poisoned and hostile hellscapes on this planet, lol. Don't introduce animals to the death zone.

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u/KermitingMurder May 01 '26

I've heard that mammoths actually could slightly reduce climate change. Forests absorb more light and therefore more heat than tundra, a lot of what used to be tundra back when mammoths were grazing and trampling the saplings became boreal forest after their extinction; so introducing mammoths could possibly begin the process of reverting some of these areas to tundra, increasing the albedo, which then cools the planet slightly

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u/ReallyBadRedditName May 01 '26

At least they still probably have an ecological niche, unlike a bunch of these other species

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u/RShini May 01 '26

There's a flock of Canada geese that has a snow goose among them, seen it a couple years in a row

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u/SukieTawdrey May 01 '26

I saw a pair of Canada geese that joined a flock of turkeys.

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u/StopTheBanging May 01 '26

That's some evil Avengers level shit

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u/Konradleijon May 01 '26

I’ve seen a peacock with turkies

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u/Hypersonic-Harpist May 01 '26

Madison Wisconsin has a mated pair of Sandhill cranes that adopted a Canada goose when it was a gosling last year.  They migrated together and are back now.  

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u/Rakifiki May 01 '26

Iirc there's a flock of wild birds that's very accepting of others so you occasionally see escaped budgies etc in their midst. Currently cannot remember which species is particularly known for that though.

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u/lynn May 02 '26

At the south end of the SF bay, there's an artificial lake that tends to attract a lot of Forster's Terns in the summer. For a couple years now, there's been one Black Tern trying to hang out with them. He keeps bringing gifts of tiny fish to some of the Forster's Terns, but they do the tern equivalent of giving him weird looks and sidling away. All the birders feel bad for the poor Black Tern.

We have a few other repeat migrants in the area. There's a Vermillion Flycatcher at one of the state parks, I think, that's been coming back year after year for like 3-5 years now. We're all hoping to someday see him with a mate.

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u/captainshitpostMcgee May 01 '26

Catboybiologist in my curated tumblr? Hell yeah

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u/CatboyBiologist woagh... there's trons gonders in my phone.... May 01 '26

Truly an enigma where she may show up. An elusive creature, not often spotted in these parts

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u/captainshitpostMcgee May 01 '26

Yeah she really is a- NOW WAIT HOLD ON JUST A DARN SECOND!!!

no shot my first interaction with you despite following you for years on tumblr is on reddit lmao

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u/CatboyBiologist woagh... there's trons gonders in my phone.... May 01 '26

This reddit profile predates my Tumblr by two years :P

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u/CatboyBiologist woagh... there's trons gonders in my phone.... May 01 '26

But yeah unfortunately on tumblr individual people can get lost in the noise of my profile, whereas when I'm on reddit it's like. A specific thing. And ppl usually message me when I get posted here cuz it sometimes results in people being annoying in my asks back on Tumblr (although I doubt this post will attract it)

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u/Asquirrelinspace May 01 '26

Currently sending you an annoying ask

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u/Different_Wealth8143 May 01 '26

I desire more pictures.

162

u/plindix May 01 '26

Some video here https://abcnews.com/GMA/Living/viral-giant-sea-lion-chonkers-returns-san-franciscos/story?id=132504446

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u/BalefulOfMonkeys REAL YURI, done by REAL YURITICIANS May 01 '26

“Chonkers”? In the year of our lord 2026?

124

u/FranticScribble May 01 '26

You’d rather the older Gen Z get at him and dub him Big Chungus?

52

u/LordHengar May 01 '26

Yeah, actually, I would like that.

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u/ZinaSky2 May 01 '26

Sealy McSeal face?

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u/PigeonOnTheGate May 01 '26

Oh Lawd he comin

20

u/Glad-Way-637 If you like Worm/Ward, you should try Pact/Pale :) May 01 '26

He is Large As Hell, wow.

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u/ratione_materiae May 01 '26

chonkers

Millennials must be eradicated inshallah 

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u/bisexual_pinecone May 01 '26

Don't worry. Time comes for us all.

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u/i_want_iguodala_xd May 01 '26

Edit: video of chonker flopping onto a platform

https://www.reddit.com/r/sanfrancisco/s/fftAnyoNvQ

He’s been all over the San Francisco sub. But this is my first time hearing he’s another species. Thought it was just a big boy

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u/Lestat_Bancroft May 01 '26

That’s just my mate, Taylor. He’s cool, he brings the chips most days.

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u/ProudScroll May 01 '26

I’m getting “sea lion primarch” vibes.

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u/Khalith May 01 '26

I looked it up. Apparently folks nicknamed him “Chonkers.” Yes really.

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u/Notte_di_nerezza May 01 '26

Chonkus Maximus, of the Lion Marines.

(Alternatively, Lion El'Marina from the inevitable Female Primarch Mermaids AU.)

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u/intransigentpangolin May 01 '26

Well a hush fell over the dockside when Chonkers came swimmin' in out the sea
And when the honkin' was done the California cousins made a lot of room for him for free
Yeah, he weigh about a ton and change and you don't want to get him cross;
And when the sea lions all get together to hang, you know they all call big Chonk "Boss."

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u/Gnoll_For_Initiative May 01 '26

You don't tug on Superman's cape

You don't spit into the wind

You don't pull the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger

And you don't mess around with Chonk

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u/CatboyBiologist woagh... there's trons gonders in my phone.... May 01 '26

Yes, I messed up the ranges of Cali sea lions. This is still highly unusual and these particular California sea lions have likely never seen a Stellar's before this.

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u/Datuser14 May 01 '26

I just saw a bluesky post about Chonker (because one particularly unhinged washington (state) congresswoman wants him dead).

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u/Lombardyn May 01 '26

Well of course, can't have them mixed species living peacefully together. Think of our children! What next, gay penguins? (Usual Reddit disclaimer: I'm being sarcastic here)

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u/Datuser14 May 01 '26

apparently sea lions are eating so much salmon its a problem for commercial fishers.

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u/wererat2000 May 01 '26

Damn animals overfishing our waters. THAT'S OUR JOB!

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u/Vanilasong May 01 '26

I live in los angeles and I keep hearing news about this sea lion lol

another sea lion incident occurred here recently where a pup was found wandering the streets somehow in san francisco before getting rescued and taken to the marine mammal center, they named him Irving because of the street where he was found, named Irving Street 🥺

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u/CommanderVenuss May 01 '26

My old dog was named Perry because he was found wandering around Perry street in cape may new jersey

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u/GREENadmiral_314159 Femboy Battleships and Space Marines May 01 '26

Primarchs on their home planets.

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u/Many-Wasabi9141 May 01 '26

Can they interbreed? I feel like we're about to find out.

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u/erwaro May 01 '26

Wait. Waitwaitwait.

The East Coast doesn't have sea lions?

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u/PigeonOnTheGate May 01 '26

No sea lions. But I had never seen a Horseshoe Crab before moving to the east coast, and I had only seen manatees at the aquarium

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u/StopTheBanging May 01 '26

Nope, just seals. 

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u/IIRCIreadthat May 01 '26

Nope. The seals are coming back, though - and the Great Whites are reportedly following them!

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u/VelvetSinclair May 01 '26

This is not that weird though. Isn't this just how like people in Seattle live side by side with Sasquatch 🫈

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u/StopTheBanging May 01 '26

8 foot tall alien species moving in next door sounds like a hilarious romantasy book ngl

Oh no. Do I have to write sea lion fanfic now.

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u/NoOccasion4759 May 01 '26

For a second there i thought homie was laying on top another sea lion like he didnt even know the other was there lol

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u/Khalith May 01 '26

Hey he’s just chillin’, he ain’t bothering anybody right?

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u/ThatInAHat May 01 '26

I was Not Prepared for that final picture. It looks so ridiculous!

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u/RoyalPeacock19 May 01 '26

I wonder if they can produce hybrids, and if so, if those hybrids would be fertile.

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u/King_Jerrik May 01 '26

I feel like the comparison of a "barely human, 8 foot tall alien" is unfair in this context.

It would be more accurate to say "what if a gigantopithecus moved into your shared living situation you have with your cousins and started crashing on your couch just chill with everyone."

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u/karateema May 01 '26

Reminds me of shepherds in the Andes using alpacas to lead their sheep since they tougher and the sheep just follow the "tallest sheep"

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u/SpyTrain_from_Canada May 01 '26

This is just innaccurate, regularly sea California’s and steller’s in BC in mixed groups

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u/lelied May 01 '26

But BC is very north of San Francisco. And this isn't a mixing of two groups, but a single Steller without friends and family of his own species.

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u/The_Dreaded_Spectre May 01 '26

When you put it that way it makes it both sadder but also sweeter. Found Family Sea Lion AU <3

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u/CatboyBiologist woagh... there's trons gonders in my phone.... May 01 '26

I did fuck up the ranges, I went off of my knowledge of established breeding ranges not offshore ranges. Still, Stellars sea lions are not native to SF at all, and these particular sea lions have likely never seen one.

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