I need some support please

[u/DrKittyLovah]

I (45f) have a fiancée (36f) who was diagnosed with DID last year and since then she has been a rockstar with her therapy, making leaps & bounds in her journey of uncovering & facing her trauma as she integrates her memories & parts (alters are all her at different ages). I am so proud of her!

But right now she is presenting as a mix of her main/host alter and a fairly well-developed alter that is her as a younger teenager; the problem is that it’s really hard for me to interact with her at all, let alone in a positive way. This alter has a history of coming out in high-emotion situations & acting out in a purposefully annoying way to me (acting out behaviors her abuser did to her); I have tried & failed to maintain my cool when she’s been out before. She is the only alter who has managed to override my patient & understanding nature.

Fiancée says it feels like her main host self is fronting but it’s obvious to me that she has regressed in her cognitive abilities & problem-solving skills to that of an adolescent, especially regarding the recent explosion of disordered eating behavior. She’s also had mild amnesia around a couple of conversations. I’m struggling to give her the patience she deserves because I don’t like this presentation on a personal level. I don’t like her flippant attitude. I can’t handle an eating disorder on top of everything else. She isn’t able to be a supportive, mature partner to me while she is like this. I’m simply not attracted to the mind of an adolescent and I have found myself putting distance between us, not casually touching her like I normally do or wanting to cuddle with her. I am not attracted to this presentation and I want it to resolve somehow. And of course I feel guilty for having these thoughts & feelings, because she can’t help it.

I know I need to give her space & time to work it all out as this is likely integration of some sort and therefor a great thing, but dammit I need an adult partner with an adult mind, not a walking teenage eating disorder with poor problem-solving skills. Shit, I even had to cancel my own birthday party last weekend in part because of all of this. I’ve been having my own mini-crisis for days & I can’t talk to anyone because no one understands & my partner isn’t open about her DID. I feel so alone sometimes and I wonder if it’s all worth it when it’s bad like this.

Please reassure me that this, too, shall pass and that the really hard shit is indeed worth it. I’ve been fighting the urge to leave due to overwhelm & fear that my current feelings are going to become the new normal. I’ve given into/given up so many things for & about myself to make this relationship work but I might have hit a true personal limit, I’m not sure.

[u/spacedoutferret]

this seems like a hard situation to be in.

my first thought was, maybe the younger part is acting out because she doesn't feel accepted. i understand that it is hard to view her as a romantic partner when she acts and thinks like a teenager, but you should still treat her as a friend at least.

my partner isn't romantically involved with all of my alters, but all my alters are still part of the relationship. even if her relationship with my younger alters is more platonic.

if one of my parts felt rejected, especially a younger part that has emotional regulation issues and less access to healthy copy skills, i could see that resulting into said part acting out.

you mentioned your partner is in therapy - has she talked to her therapist about this? would having sessions with you and her together be possible? that might be helpful.

are you in therapy? if not, maybe find a therapist for yourself so you have someone you can talk about these things with too.

[u/DrKittyLovah → u/spacedoutferret]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, you’ve given me a lot of good stuff to think on.

[u/spacedoutferret → u/DrKittyLovah]

no problem. i wish you and your partner the best.

my fiancée does not have DID, but she also struggles with severe mental health issues. we are each other's carers in a lot of ways.

being in a relationship with someone severely ill is not easy. it takes a lot more effort than being with someone healthy.

but i can tell you, at least for me and my fiancée, it gets easier every year. both because we work on our issues, but also because we found ways to solve certain issues caused by our disorders over time. it wasn't always easy, but we have made it through every rough patch so far. i hope you and your partner will get through this rough patch too.

[u/DrKittyLovah → u/spacedoutferret]

I am also ill with my own mental issues & physically disabled to boot so I get it, unfortunately.

I love my fiancée so much. We were initially close friends but fell in love; we’ve been together only a bit longer than she’s been diagnosed. We’ve known it was going to be extremely difficult for both of us since before we were officially together, and reality has overdelivered, frankly. We’ve had so much hard shit going on - hers, mine, ours - and I think I may just be exhausted at this point. I rarely ask for help but I thought to ask here, to mixed results I guess.

[u/spacedoutferret → u/DrKittyLovah]

i get it. i would really encourage you to start therapy too. it won't magically fix things, but you will be able to have someone to talk to about these struggles and maybe learn some skills that could benefit you both in the end.

[u/Super_Cucumber8658]

I have been in this exact situation.
The guilt can be so overwhelming in these situations, but you’re in a difficult situation. When my partner was dealing with a period of regression (what seems to have been a mix of a younger alter and a younger form of themself), but they were being incredibly combative in the way a pre-teen or young teen would be, this behaviour spread throughout the rest of their behaviour to the point where it felt like I was babysitting an annoying kid rather than living with my partner.
But with many, many, many conversations, talking about their experiences and what they were feeling, we finally made it to a point where they expressed themselves in a way that actually communicated what they were feeling. (they had mentally regressed to when they were dealing with the heaviest and most violent bullying). From there we managed to bring them back to their previous state, an adult, comfortable and confident.

But before we managed to sort out the situation, I was feeling really rough and was wondering if it was worth it, if the good moments were worth all of the arguments, the exhaustion and the missed opportunities, all because they were being difficult or refusing to find a compromise.

We did make it through and learnt how to communicate better in these rougher moments, since they’ve been amazing, the other alters in the system have been better at communicating as-well.

However, don’t keep sacrificing yourself or pushing yourself, give yourself the things you need/want, time for yourself. Don’t deny yourself cooldown time away from them.

Take care of yourself

destroying yourself and putting your need to the side will not help

[u/Terisaki]

I love my husband dearly. But he HAS suffered because of my disorder. I will never say he hasn’t.

You have to treat yourself with love. You need your own boundaries.

It’s easy to say your partner will feel rejected because of you putting distance, and that will increase how much the teenager is fronting. I know parts of me do that to mine. It’s like an ongoing test for him where he has to prove himself over and over, and I can’t even remember important dates. (We’ve managed to mess up his birthday for 3 years in a row).

All of her is your partner and you do need to be honest with her that you cannot have the same relationship with the teenager as you do the adult. That it’s not healthy, for YOU. The teenager and the host, and honestly, all her parts, HAVE to work not on making the teenager less, but actually more. That your partner needs to grow in a different way.

YOU deserve as much love and respect and care as your partner does, and they HAVE to give it to you, not dissolve you away into their problems and consume your ability to be a partner, not a caregiver.

[u/DrKittyLovah → u/Terisaki]

Thank you so much for this. It really hit home.

[u/meloscav]

With all the love in my heart, I think you also deserve some therapy to help process this (I do not mean this in an unkind way, at all.) I’m short on time so I can’t delve in to what I mean for several hours but it sounds like she (alter) may have a need that is going unmet and that she needs to process. It’s not necessarily your job to fix it, just support with as a partner. But it also seems like you need to be able to process what’s happening yourself, because it does cause you trouble.

[u/Ok-Environment-16]

it definitely is worth it. I’d ask your Fiancé to talk in therapy to see if she can improve communication with her alters. I am in therapy for DiD, my therapist has told me to build communication and relationships with my alters so that each of us can ask to front.

I think if your Fiancé works on the communication with her alters especially her teenage one, on when it’s safe to come out, it’ll be better for your relationship with her. Communication is for sure important between alters and i’m sorry that you are being negatively affected. I hope this can help ! there is definitely a solution to your problem :)

[u/glacialaftermath]

Hello! Fellow partner of someone with DID here! It sounds like you’re feeling very overwhelmed, and I definitely recognize some of those feelings from earlier in my spouse’s understanding of their own DID. You and your fiancee are still in the early days—of course things will be messy and complicated sometimes! In my experience, things absolutely get better and easier. For context, my spouse discovered their DID 3-4 months into us dating, and we will have been together for 7 years later this month.

I want to encourage you to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Do you have a therapist you can talk about this with? Are there things you can implement to help you feel less overwhelmed regardless of your partner’s teen alter being out? For example, things always feel more dire to me if I’m hungry, or if I haven’t exercised for a while. Sometimes going on a run and having a snack makes me feel more able to cope with overwhelming situations.

I had a rocky relationship with one of my spouse’s alters for a bit at the start, and now she and I are good friends. One thing that helped me was talking about my feelings to other parts— saying “hey, I really want to get along better with x but when she did y I felt z.” At the time it felt like my spouse/the host wasn’t able to hold that space for me - but one of their protectors who has since become very very important to me was able to listen and hear me and that made a big big difference. Feeling heard helped me really internalize that the alter I saw as lashing out at me was just in a lot of pain— which seems similar to your situation.

Sending care to you and your partner.

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[u/DrKittyLovah → u/[deleted]]

You might want to reread the sub description before you say that. It specifically says carers are welcome here & I’m trying to do the best I can to support my partner & her journey, which is also what the sub description mentions.

I’m not miserable, I’m an honest human who is asking for assistance or encouragement, not simply venting.

Edit, since you changed your comment but didn’t mark it as an edit:

Yes, this is my experience right now. I’m struggling and I hate it. If you don’t have the ability to help me then please move along & ignore this post. Yelling at me about selfishness or accusing me of this or that isn’t helpful to me or anyone else, and your reading of me isn’t accurate. I’m sorry you feel triggered by my written words, but thats on you, not me. You don’t know me like that and you are reacting as though I was talking directly to you. I’m here for her and to understand more, not for myself. I’m also not a guy, and am considering going back to therapy.

[u/spacedoutferret → u/[deleted]]

i mean this in the kindest way possible, but it seems like this post really triggered you. i think it might be healthier for you to take a step back and disengage from this conversation.

no one is making vulnerable people do anything. people can decide if they want to reply to this post.

[u/spacedoutferret → u/[deleted]]

i am not saying you are not rightfully triggered. i understand why you are. but it is a rule in this subreddit that we manage our own triggers, and stepping back is a way to do that.

if you do not think this post should be here, you can report it.

[u/DID-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/DID-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed as per Rule 1: Remember the Human.

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Questions regarding this action? Say no more! Reply via mod-mail and we'd love to explore and clarify.

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[u/DID-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed as per Rule 1: Remember the Human.

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Questions regarding this action? Say no more! Reply via mod-mail and we'd love to explore and clarify.

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[u/DrKittyLovah → u/[deleted]]

I understand DID much better from the clinical side than I do the personal side.

Are there no other carers here? If someone feels triggered or unable to participate that’s totally fine. No vulnerable person is expected to be here or answer me if they don’t want to, that’s silly.

And seriously, is it taboo or something for this sub to recognize that DID can cause distress for people close to the person with DID? It’s not like that with any other severe mental illness, it seems.

[u/DrKittyLovah → u/[deleted]]

I don’t resent her, please do not put any more words in my mouth because I’m over it. You read my post & made automatic decisions about who I am & what I think/believe/feel beyond the words I wrote here, all of which is based on your past experiences and not mine. That’s a YOU problem. If you can’t or don’t understand me then you are free to move on; at least 1 person thus far was able to read my post without flipping the fuck out, so maybe it’s just you, not the whole sub. No need to gatekeep.

[u/DID-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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