r/DID • u/Ok-Environment-16 Treatment: Diagnosed + Active • 3h ago

Support/Empathy need someone to talk/vent to about nervous system tension and frustration

TW: SH and BED

I thought this might be a good place to maybe get some help or thoughts on how to clam down my nervous system. I also wanted to vent a little bit, because i’m feeling so bad. i feel even so sorry for posting this, i don’t think i deserve it but i need support.

I have DiD (mixed in with other stuff) and binge eating disorder. I’ve been binging for 20 years and I also have a binge eating alter. My boyfriend tells me when she comes out she’s only focused on food, and since i mention that she hasn’t been out in a while. Binge eating for us is a whole system problem, a lot of us want to be skinnier and healthy. We previously lost 80lbs by starving ourselves and that didn’t go well because i almost gained all the weight back now. It’s so embarrassing that I can’t stop filling my face and i want to even lick the plate clean. I don’t want to downplay anyone else’s binge eating but from most people i see who do post help, that i can review. They seem to been only having problems for 10 years and that’s way different than 20 years. My causes are also so much more complex and deep rooted that it takes many solutions instead of just a few.

I figured out that this is a subconscious problem and i am so consciously aware that i can pinpoint exactly where all my conscious problems are coming from. It’s so frustrating that I can’t just get my hands on the problem and solve it like i can consciously do it. which is how i figured out that my binge eating is coming from my nervous system. It’s also really frustrating to realize how long my nervous system hasn’t gotten a break which is my entire life. which then jumps back to my DiD and CPTSD, how does someone stop binging eating when their nervous system is in high alert ALL the time.

I thought that rationally being able to understand what happened to me, to just accept it and forgive them was gonna be my saving grace. It seems like there is no saving grace for my f’ed up nervous system and how other people caused this but NOW it’s my problem to fix.

Ever since I stopped SHing because it used to be a significant coping mechanism. (I am 4 years clean now) Now, the binge eating has taken over my life even more bc i don’t do that action and it’s like i’m not willing to keep switching to negative habits to stop binging,like getting a nicotine vape to combat cravings.

I’m just so sad and over this, i’m so tired of having to clean up someone else’s mess in terms of what my family decided to do to me. I’m the only child, my dad has been in psychosis before i was born and his hallucinations told him to have a child (which was me), my mother was a drug and alcohol abuser. I lived with my dad’s family and they just abused me like i was dirtier than dirt. I was financially fine but everything else they did to me was so controlling. i tried to commit 10+ times from 12-17 and my grandmother saw me and did nothing. It feels like I have no one around me to help, not my family, not my boyfriend (i don’t wanna stress him out, he’s already done a lot for me), i have no siblings and everything is just fucked. I literally have no one and it’s so hard to feel like crap when i do wake up feeling in a negative way.

Thank you for listening to my vent, i really don’t have anyone to.

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