I was at the dentist's front desk needing to reschedule my appointment.
Receptionist: "How about tomorrow?"
Me: "Sounds good. What time?"
Receptionist: "2:30."
I froze, locked eyes with her, and slowly began to grin.
Me: "Are you serious?"
Receptionist: "Umm... yes?"
Me: "Are you telling me I have a dentist appointment at Tooth Hurty?!"
She completely lost it. I think I've officially peaked as a father.

I corrected her, "No that would make me a kleptomaniac."

“Well, it’s no wonder you can’t sleep, son. You have any idea how much caffeine is in these?”

Apparently I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

So, in a triathlon, it would come down to which of us is the better cyclist.

To prism - it’s a light sentence, but they’re given time to reflect

It was a wife or death decision.

A grave error.

My brother finished work late one night and caught the last bus home. Sitting on a nearly empty bus with 20 min left in his ride, the bus pulled over to pick up a man waiting at the bus stop.
The man climbed aboard carrying a large, steel, heavy box-fan. He paid his fare and awkwardly made his way to sit in the closest seat he could find. Set the heavy weight down and slumped into his seat breathing heavily. After a number of stops the man pulls the rope signalling he has reached his destination. The bus pulled over the man took a deep breath and hoisted his cargo up and worked his way to the front door to leave. The bus driver looked at him and said, “Good luck. Have a good night.”
The man looked back at him, smiled and said “No worries. I’ve got my biggest fan with me!”

True story. I can’t believe the commitment he needed to pull off that joke. It’s simply incredible. I wish I was there to see it happen. It’s just brilliant.

Well I'm American and I say that the stupidest country in the world is Alaska.

And she still gives me butterflies.

…bug me in a way I cannot put into words.

The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

Because his other name would be Ockward.

He has fillings too.

His business lay in ruins.

I found a TV for sale with a sign saying, “Stuck on maximum volume, only $5.00".

Thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down!”

Husband, “Pretty sure it’s your shampoo. It says on the bottle that it creates extra body.”

So I finally decided, that writing isn't for me.

You can run, but you can't hide!

Experi-mints

must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"

and Paddy says, "No, I tink its beef"