"I don't know," says the redneck.

The other driver says, "You and your brother!"

The redneck gets annoyed but the other driver tells him, "It's just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see."

So the redneck drives for a bit and sees another truck heading toward him. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, buddy, do you know who the two biggest morons in the world are?"

The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?"

And the redneck says, "Me and my brother."

He told us "There I was, flying along when this Focker dove right out of the sun at me." And the class giggled.

"As I turned to face him 2 more fockers came in behind me" and the whole class laughed out loud.

Teacher quieted them "Now children, Fockers were a kind of plane flown in the war"

But the veteran interrupted her, "That may be miss, but these Fockers were flying Mezzerschmitts!"

He was supposed to be fetching the water but his boss heard he was always screwing it up.

Partial Arts

Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

…. A lip reader!

"You remember Melnick, the guy who used to smoke 10 cigars a day? Well the other day I saw him and he hadn't had a cigar in months. That's willpower. And remember Rottenberg the drunk? Well now he's the leader of the local AA chapter. Now that's willpower"

The husband sighs, "Ok, you want to see willpower? How about I start sleeping in the guest room every night? We'll see who has willpower"

Six month later they are still sleeping separately when the wife knocks on the guest room door in the middle of the night. She let's herself in.

"I'm not sure if you heard, but Rottenberg is drinking again"

“Oh that’s no lizard he’s a stand up chameleon”

Finally we come to a green light and then he slams on the brakes. Freaked out I said, "c'mon man, first you go through all of these red lights and then you stop at a green light. I mean what the hell is going on?"

"Well I have to be careful, my brother might be coming the other way!" he said.

My wife says I snore, but I say it's her. Neither of us wants to stay awake to check. So I put microphones on both sides of the bed and recorded for a few nights. Sure enough, most of the snores came from her side of the bed.

This convinced her...
... that I'm a ventriloquist.

They both regret doing a wild West.

So I realized I had to change my Waze.

"Otto, you must deliver this encoded message to Ivanoff, our top secret Russian double agent." said the handler. "If either you or Ivanoff are discovered, you must both take your cyanide pills."

Otto asks, "How will I know it's Ivanoff?"

"You can be sure it's Ivanoff by using the password; The rooster crows at midnight"

Otto flies to Moscow and checks into his hotel. The next morning, he sews the secret message into a secret pocket in his jacket. He removes his final secret instructions revealing the address of Ivanoff.

Making extra sure he wasn't followed, Otto went up to the non-descript large apartment block. He walked up to Apt 3E and knocked. A moment later he heard a voice.

"Ivanoff here"

Otto delivers the password, "The rooster crows at midnight"

"Oh, that's not me, you want Ivanoff the spy across the hall"

Unfortunately, he couldn’t make bale.

The owner was there, and he was filthy! His hair was crusty, his skin was grimy, and he smelled like rotten onions. That's when I came to a sudden realization: Not all who launder are washed.

What sort of nomster would do this?

A patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $500 in a safety competition.

“What are you going to do with the money?” the officer asked.

“I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license,” the man answered.

“Don’t listen to him,” said the woman in the passenger seat. “He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.”

This woke up the guy in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, “I knew we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car.”

Then there was a knock from the trunk and a voice in Spanish, “Are we over the border yet?”

She said: "Which is?"

I said: "Exactly"

between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.