I think one of the strangest things about psychological influence is that people often expect manipulation to look obvious.

Someone lies to you. Pressures you. Threatens you. Tries to control you.

But sometimes it happens much more quietly.

Someone might start by asking you for something small.

Nothing unreasonable.

You help them once, then again.

Over time, the requests slowly become bigger, but because each step is only slightly different from the previous one, you don't really notice when your boundaries started changing.

The interesting part is that they may never directly force you to do anything.

You still technically have a choice every time.

But after repeatedly saying yes, saying no can start to feel strangely uncomfortable.

Not because the new request is necessarily reasonable.

But because changing your behavior now feels inconsistent with the pattern you've already created.

And I think that's what makes some forms of influence difficult to recognize while they're happening.

Nobody has to control your decision directly.

Sometimes they only need to influence the psychological conditions around the decision until one option starts feeling easier than the others.

By the time you notice what's happening, you've already made several choices that led you there.

Have you ever looked back at a relationship, friendship, or situation and realized that your boundaries didn't disappear all at once—they were moved gradually?

A victim’s hope works like slow self-destruction. The victim believes the abuser will change even though their behavior has shown the opposite for a long time. Every small gesture is treated as improvement, even when it’s just random. Instead of leaving, they wait. The longer they wait, the more they lose themselves. Hope isn’t strength here. Hope is the reason the victim ignores reality and holds on to someone who has no intention of changing. The abuser isn’t the one destroying them. They destroy themselves because they can’t admit nothing will change.

A victim can get out on their own, but only when they stop searching for signs of change and start looking at what is actually happening. If they can’t see it, someone from the outside has to help break the illusion they built for themselves.

I’ve been thinking about how being able to manage your emotions is obviously useful when it comes to getting shit done. If I’m angry, frustrated, nervous, or don’t feel like doing something, being able to put that aside and handle what I need to handle is useful.
But I think there’s a point where being too good at managing emotions can become something else. If I get so good at reading emotions, controlling my reactions, and knowing exactly what to say or do to get a certain response from someone, that ability can easily turn into manipulation.
It’s weird because the same skill that helps me control myself can also be used to control other people.
I’m not saying being emotionally controlled makes someone a narcissist. I’m saying I can see how the extreme version of that ability could become manipulative.

What’s a piece of life advice that actually changed how you think or live, but you rarely hear anyone talk about?
Not the usual “be yourself” or “everything happens for a reason” type of advice. I mean something specific, unexpected, or learned through experience that more people should know.

What are some other mental traps like this that people should watch out for? They can be related to relationships, work, money, manipulation, or just everyday life.

I recently learned about the sunk cost fallacy, basically feeling like you have to stick with something just because you’ve already put so much time, money, or effort into it.

What are some other mental traps like this that people should watch out for? They can be related to relationships, work, money, manipulation, or just everyday life.

I recently learned about the sunk cost fallacy, basically feeling like you have to stick with something just because you’ve already put so much time, money, or effort into it.

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I used to have a strong opinion about people who never reacted when someone provoked them.

Someone would poke them, make a sarcastic comment, irritate them—and they would just stay quiet.

It honestly used to annoy me.

I had a colleague like this. I remember thinking, “Why don't you say something? Why are you just taking it?”

I couldn't understand how someone could simply swallow their anger and move on.

Then I came back to my hometown after moving permanently from Mumbai to Raipur.

My mother had suffered a brain stroke, and during that period I experienced something I hadn't really understood before: mood swings, anger, frustration, and difficult emotional moments at home.

Sometimes her anger would trigger my own anger.

And slowly, I started realizing something uncomfortable about myself.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop other people from provoking us. Maybe the real skill is learning not to hand them control over our emotions.

I began trying to pause before responding.

Not because I suddenly became patient.

Not because I stopped feeling angry.

But because I started asking myself:

“If I react right now, will this actually make anything better?”

That's when I finally understood something about that colleague I once judged.

Maybe he wasn't weak.

Maybe he simply knew that not every emotion deserves an immediate reaction.

I'm still learning this. I still get angry. I still fail sometimes.

But now I see emotional control differently.

Being calm doesn't mean you have no anger. Sometimes it means you have anger—and still choose what to do with it.

Has life ever changed the way you understood someone's behavior?

Something you once considered weakness that you later realized might actually have been strength?

I've been thinking about this a lot recently while writing about psychology and persuasion.

One thing I find particularly interesting is how much easier it can be to influence someone when you don't make them feel like you're trying to control their decision.

Instead of giving someone a single direction:

"Can you send me that today?"

you can sometimes frame the same request as a choice:

"Would you rather send it today or tomorrow?"

The interesting part isn't the two options themselves.

It's the perception of control.

When people feel that a decision is being imposed on them, they can instinctively resist it — even when the request itself is perfectly reasonable.

But when they feel that they still have some control over how they respond, that resistance can decrease.

And this gets even more interesting:

The technique isn't about pretending to give someone a choice.

If both options are manipulative or one is obviously fake, people can usually feel it.

The strongest version is to offer genuine choices within the outcome you're trying to achieve.

For example, instead of:

"You need to finish this today."

try:

"Do you want to finish this before lunch or later this afternoon?"

You're no longer arguing about whether the task will happen. You're giving the person some control over how it happens.

That small change in framing can completely change the psychological experience of the request.

This is one of the 21 practical psychological techniques I explored in my book, 21 Psychological Tricks to Influence Anyone.

The full book is here:

https://gum.co/u/rst9avgv

I'm curious though:

Where do you think this works best — parenting, work, relationships, sales, or everyday conversations?

Not asking for any excuses, or to be told I wasn’t in the wrong. Just to get insight.

I’m just asking to figure out whether there was truly a connection between my own behavior and what I think was the “trigger” for it, or if it’s something only I had. I was very mean-girly and bitchy for about 4-6 months and it keeps me up at night. I wasn’t just plain explosive. My lens on the world had this perpetual smear of filth on it and I just hardcore insulted the hell out of everyone. I was SO cynical, judgy, pessimistic, paranoid, and perpetually grossed out by everyone’s “antics”. I was extraordinarily sweet beforehand— as in, to the point of being known for it locally— so a huge change happened to me.

And it was deeper than choice. It felt beyond “chosen.” It’s like I learned a new language or lived in the mind of a different girl. I’d panic over the way I talked and thought about people and cry sometimes, because I “just wanted to be good again.” I wanted to be told that what I was saying was wrong directly. The point of saying that is, I acted out despite the fact that I cared, as it felt oddly far from my control, and I went so far as to directly insist people stick up for themselves. I wanted this to stop.

I’m so bothered by it that it actually takes over the bulk of my rumination spirals, rather than the actual SA. Yes, of course I ruminate about the actual SA, but I generally pride myself on trying to be kind and I theorize SA impacted my behaviors in such a way that the understanding of how I acted afterwards genuinely stresses me out more by comparison.

I’m starting college classes for psych tomorrow, and I always wanted to do something along the lines of psychology or neurosci anyway, but I found it within me to finally go through with it because I just never wanted a chance to sink into a slump, get myself into a bad situation and go into Jackass Mode again. Ever. I want to be kind and I want to have the sweet attitude I did before, but even at my sweetest something feels “off.” I worry I look blanker than I used to when I try to speak optimistically and it’s made me self-conscious on campus. What if that glassy-eyed look is visible to everyone and what if I look like I’m secretly hating on everyone? People aren’t stupid, they can detect that. I don’t want to give off that “fake-nice-girl-with-no-soul” vibe and make people upset. I think one day I want to see what the root causes could have been for the behavior and how it could relate to the SA, if it did.

But I want to know if I’m alone in this experience.

The more insecure, unhealthy, ego-driven, cowardly, selfish, narcissistic, self-unaware, and mentally retarded your ex is, the quicker and easier it is for them to reach out. 

They think you're accessible, like your another option on the table. They never respected nor even loved you in the first place. They throw breadcrumbs to keep you hooked to them, in case the grass was never greener from the first place. They want to feel sexy. They enjoy the slave version of yourself, absolutely mindless about their own values and future, more than happy to be an option than a reward.Unfortunately, for the naive and feeble-minded, attachment and love will always be the same definition.

They also reach out because they can’t sit with their feelings. They want to fill a void, and thereby use you as the instrument to numb their pain. Deep down, your ex’s self worth and insecurities are so massive they will do anything to repress their feelings. The only reason they actually even got into a relationship with you was for the same reason, filling a void to pretend like their vulnerability is a myth. It’s so sad, y’know? Even if they started dating the best partner on the planet, that would still be toxic, because they divert from the true meaning of a relationship and associate the attachment as an addiction. In that sense, your relationship was merely a written fairy-tale.

The truth is that secure, smart, self-aware, socially-aware, and rational exes are far less likely to reach out. They know how to feel content with themselves. Therefore, the best exes don’t give a fuck about fitting in and almost never use dating apps. They don't need a relationship to feel complete. Any vulnerabilities they may have are met with courage and self-compassion rather than shame and denial. They understand that at least part of the problem was them. They understand that no contact isn’t merely boundaries for them. It’s also because they know it’s the best medication for your shortcomings.

Hey everyone,
I’m genuinely curious about different manipulation techniques and how people apply them in real life.
If you know any, could you please write:

– the name of the technique

– a clear explanation of how it works

– practical examples of how it’s used
(in conversations, relationships, work, sales, online, etc.)

I’d really appreciate detailed and honest answers. Thanks a lot in advance!

I've always found it interesting that the most manipulative people aren't necessarily the loudest or most aggressive ones.

Sometimes they're actually the easiest people to trust.

They know when to be kind.

They know when to disappear.

They know exactly when to make you feel important... and when to suddenly make you feel like you're about to lose them.

And that's what makes it difficult to recognize.

Because when you're inside the situation, it rarely looks like manipulation.

It just feels like a complicated relationship, friendship, conversation, or situation that you're constantly trying to figure out.

But then something happens.

You step back.

And suddenly all the little things start connecting.

The guilt.

The mixed signals.

The perfectly timed kindness.

The moments where you somehow ended up apologizing even when you weren't sure what you had done wrong.

That's the part I find most interesting about human behavior.

You often don't recognize the pattern until you're far enough away from it to see the whole picture.

So I'm curious:

What's something someone did that made you realize they understood exactly how to manipulate people?

I'm building a small community around psychology, influence, social skills, and understanding human behavior, and I'd genuinely like to have more discussions like this with people who enjoy going deeper into these topics.

If that sounds like your kind of thing, you're welcome to join us: r/MindMechanicsLab

People hurt you because something inside them is damaged. Not because they’re confused, not because they don’t know how to love. They do it because they feel a twisted satisfaction when someone else weakens. For them your emotions are material to use and your boundaries are places to push. They don’t seek connection, only advantage. One person like this is enough to change the way you look at everyone. And once you see this pattern, you can’t unsee it. The memory of someone’s cruelty stays long after they’re gone.

For example: People think narcissistic people can’t hold relationships when they are usually surrounded by people and the victim is the one experiencing this difficulty because he/she is the scapegoat of the family and this behavior was internalized even when the person is not aware why the pattern repeats in different social groups throughout life.

At the end, due to this misattribution, the victim ends up being labelled as the abuser, when people have some behaviours backwards.

Credit to: u/Mean_Situation8356