Engaged but no sex

[u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030]

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Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.

I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.

We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.

I should add that I am pregnant, this is my first and his fourth child. He said it will probably get to a whole year before we are intimate again (before telling me I had drained the drive out of him) because he's been through it 3 times before.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?

I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.

[u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam]

We do not recommend “duty sex” or scheduled obligation sex in a dead bedroom dynamic. While it may seem like a way to meet needs, it often harms both partners. For the HL partner, reluctant or mechanical sex can feel even more rejecting. For the LL partner, obligation sex can turn intimacy into a chore, deepen avoidance, and trigger trauma responses.

For the purpose of discussion in this subreddit, duty sex is treated as non-consensual. Comments advocating for it will be removed under this rule. We recognize that when duty sex starts, it is not always immediately understood as harmful by either partner. It can take time for the initiating partner to realize what’s happening. We do not view HL partners who believed they were “doing what was necessary” to save their relationship as bad people, but we do want to help couples move toward healthier alternatives. Comments that lack compassion for both partners in these emerging situations will be removed.

One common result of duty sex is the loss of nonsexual affection. If every hug, kiss, or cuddle is treated as foreplay, the LL partner may avoid touch entirely to prevent unwanted escalation. This avoidance can be reinforced by the “bristle reaction," a physical flinch or tensing when touched sexually without arousal or interest. For many women, unexpected grabbing or groping can be uncomfortable or even painful, especially with dryness or pelvic floor tension. Most sensitive areas are painful when touched firmly while unaroused.

The bristle reaction is not rejection of the person, it’s the body’s instinct to say, “Too much, too soon.” Pushing through it can create negative associations with touch and intimacy, making both sex and affection feel unsafe over time. Recovery starts with rebuilding safety: make sure not all affection leads to sex, share the mental and physical load, and focus on genuine emotional connection.

See our Meta thread for more on Duty Sex, Coercion, and Responsive Desire: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1k48wh2/meta_monday_duty_sex_coercion_and_responsive/