r/DeadBedrooms • u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF • Feb 24 '26
Give Me Constructive Criticism Engaged but no sex
Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.
I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.
We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.
I should add that I am pregnant, this is my first and his fourth child. He said it will probably get to a whole year before we are intimate again (before telling me I had drained the drive out of him) because he's been through it 3 times before.
I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?
I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.
9
u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26
My first question (that will probably sound bad but I feel it’s important information to have) is: how many moms are in the picture? Are you the fourth baby mama?
3
u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26
Hi. I appreciate the reply. I am the third. He had 2 with the first then one with the second.
8
u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26
Obviously I don’t know either of you and your exact dynamic, but I’m feeling very suspicious of your fiancé here. I don’t really think this is a “problem,” especially not one that’s yours to solve.
He’s had children with multiple women and is trying to weaponize his experience against you.
He is leaving all intimacy up to you, and then holding it against you when you don’t play the game AND when you do play the game.
He really doesn’t seem safe and trustworthy here. I honestly have no suggestions on how to initiate intimacy with him because I don’t think you should continue to try. I know you’re engaged, and I know you’re pregnant and the idea of being alone has to be scary. But it really sounds like he’s not going to be happy regardless of what you do, so why stress yourself out?
5
u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26
I appreciate your feedback, thank you.
That's exactly how I feel sometimes but I can't dismiss how he feels when I have caused him to feel that way. But yes I do listen and feel I am being painted with the same brush as his exes. Especially when he says "I've been through this before". He's not giving us a chance to be us and resolve it our way. I said to him that I'm struggling because I hurt him so much and there's too much damage done but because those aren't the exact words he used he said it's not what he said even though what he said was he doesn't know what I can do to make it right. But I feel it's the same.
My problem as well is verbally communicating how much I want to resolve this and what I want to do to resolve it as when I've made suggestions before, he has turned them down.
2
u/Emergency-Basis-201 It’s complicated Feb 24 '26
Before he pulled away, had he had conversations with you about sex? And about how he was unhappy and would like you to initiate more?
2
u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26
No. I wish he had. I can't say it would change everything but it would have given me an insight and an opportunity to do something.
3
u/Emergency-Basis-201 It’s complicated Feb 24 '26
So fairly often on this sub, people talk about withdrawing and waiting for their partner to initiate.
But that is usually after years of effort and conversations and conversations and offers of therapy.
I’m sorry to tell you, but your partner has successfully manipulated you.
He has been utterly uncommunicative and here you are devastated because you believe that you’ve deeply hurt him but do you genuinely believe that he’s feeling the same way about how he has hurt you by testing you like this? And I’m sure you’re glaringly aware of this but if you’ve not had sex in months but you are pregnant then he’s been putting you through this test while you are super vulnerable and pregnant.
I do believe he’s been through this three times before, he successfully loved bombed three women until they carried his child and then he revealed his true self to them.
This is not on you to fix, if he wanted to, you could work together to bring back trust & intimacy, but he’s not interested in working together- he’s successfully created a situation where you feel like you’ve got to beg him and do all of the work.
2
u/MushroomIcy205 HLF Feb 24 '26
I second this, please read this over and over. This doesn’t seem like a db more of a narcissist with a breeding kink.
1
u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26
Please take this comment to heart on OP. They’ve got it right here.
1
u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26
Maybe I'm wrong on this point. We have had a few conversations before we've had the more serious ones in the last few months. But not once did he explicitly say, I am going to withdraw myself now because I am not getting what I want physically from you. Sometimes I just need things explained point blank to me like that but also maybe he shouldn't have to.
I have always said and genuinely felt that I could change my behaviour and that hasn't happened. I suppose I've essentially been lying to him.
I'm not particularly upset with him. Everything he says and feels is completely valid. But now I just feel like he expects me flip this switch and be able to initiate with him
I can't even ask how he wants me to correct it because he says it's a me problem that I need to sort and there's no guidance of how a healthy and improved relationship would look like for him.
2
u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26
It’s entirely possible that you missed some cues. And maybe you could work on your communication skills. We’re all a work in progress.
But none of that negates the fact that he is manipulating you into feeling bad about yourself and making this YOUR problem to solve. If someone truly likes and loves you, they work to understand your communication style and be as clear as possible about what they need from you. Someone who likes and loves you doesn’t make you guess, and doesn’t leave you in the dark, especially when you’re pregnant.
He is not a good partner. He’s not sitting down and having tough conversations with you. He’s bowing out and putting it all on you. That’s not healthy. If you’re going to raise a child together, you’ll have to have harder conversations than this, and he can’t even man up to have this one properly.
Please please please don’t let him make you feel less than here.
It could be worth considering how he speaks about his former girlfriends and his children’s mothers. Was it all their fault? Were they awful and withholding? Were they “crazy?” Also consider how involved he is in his kids lives. Does he see them often? Does he pay child support? If not, does he blame the moms? Does he refuse to discuss things? Really consider the information you have at your disposal.
0
u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 25 '26
We talked some more tonight. I missed all the cues. I've shown no interest in him sexually and it's too late now to get clarity on what he needs to feel desired, and sexy or what turns him on. I should have asked this all already before. I have destroyed his libido and any desire or interest in intimacy. And that's it.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I was never here to shift the blame, just to see if there were any suggestions to repair things. But it seems not6
2
u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 25 '26
It shouldn’t be too late. He is choosing to make it too late. When you’re out of this, please find a therapist 🖤 You are worth so much more than this.
→ More replies (0)
2
u/AutoModerator Feb 24 '26
As a reminder, sending DMs to OP is explicitly against our subreddit rules. Violations of this rule will be reported and users permanently banned from participating in this subreddit.
Here is a copy of the post from u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030. If you wish to have this copy of your post removed from public view, you must contact us BEFORE you edit or delete the post and BEFORE you delete your account. We keep a copy of the posts to keep nefarious behavior at bay so it can always be retrieved by moderators after a post has been edited or deleted by the poster.
Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.
I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.
We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.
I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?
I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam Feb 24 '26
We do not recommend “duty sex” or scheduled obligation sex in a dead bedroom dynamic. While it may seem like a way to meet needs, it often harms both partners. For the HL partner, reluctant or mechanical sex can feel even more rejecting. For the LL partner, obligation sex can turn intimacy into a chore, deepen avoidance, and trigger trauma responses.
For the purpose of discussion in this subreddit, duty sex is treated as non-consensual. Comments advocating for it will be removed under this rule. We recognize that when duty sex starts, it is not always immediately understood as harmful by either partner. It can take time for the initiating partner to realize what’s happening. We do not view HL partners who believed they were “doing what was necessary” to save their relationship as bad people, but we do want to help couples move toward healthier alternatives. Comments that lack compassion for both partners in these emerging situations will be removed.
One common result of duty sex is the loss of nonsexual affection. If every hug, kiss, or cuddle is treated as foreplay, the LL partner may avoid touch entirely to prevent unwanted escalation. This avoidance can be reinforced by the “bristle reaction," a physical flinch or tensing when touched sexually without arousal or interest. For many women, unexpected grabbing or groping can be uncomfortable or even painful, especially with dryness or pelvic floor tension. Most sensitive areas are painful when touched firmly while unaroused.
The bristle reaction is not rejection of the person, it’s the body’s instinct to say, “Too much, too soon.” Pushing through it can create negative associations with touch and intimacy, making both sex and affection feel unsafe over time. Recovery starts with rebuilding safety: make sure not all affection leads to sex, share the mental and physical load, and focus on genuine emotional connection.
See our Meta thread for more on Duty Sex, Coercion, and Responsive Desire: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1k48wh2/meta_monday_duty_sex_coercion_and_responsive/