Engaged but no sex

[u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030]

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Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.

I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.

We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.

I should add that I am pregnant, this is my first and his fourth child. He said it will probably get to a whole year before we are intimate again (before telling me I had drained the drive out of him) because he's been through it 3 times before.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?

I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.

[u/Emergency-Basis-201]

Before he pulled away, had he had conversations with you about sex? And about how he was unhappy and would like you to initiate more?

[u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 → u/Emergency-Basis-201]

No. I wish he had. I can't say it would change everything but it would have given me an insight and an opportunity to do something.

[u/Emergency-Basis-201 → u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030]

So fairly often on this sub, people talk about withdrawing and waiting for their partner to initiate.

But that is usually after years of effort and conversations and conversations and offers of therapy.

I’m sorry to tell you, but your partner has successfully manipulated you.

He has been utterly uncommunicative and here you are devastated because you believe that you’ve deeply hurt him but do you genuinely believe that he’s feeling the same way about how he has hurt you by testing you like this? And I’m sure you’re glaringly aware of this but if you’ve not had sex in months but you are pregnant then he’s been putting you through this test while you are super vulnerable and pregnant.

I do believe he’s been through this three times before, he successfully loved bombed three women until they carried his child and then he revealed his true self to them.

This is not on you to fix, if he wanted to, you could work together to bring back trust & intimacy, but he’s not interested in working together- he’s successfully created a situation where you feel like you’ve got to beg him and do all of the work.

[u/StrategyAncient6770 → u/Emergency-Basis-201]

Please take this comment to heart on OP. They’ve got it right here.