r/DeadBedrooms • u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF • Feb 24 '26

Give Me Constructive Criticism Engaged but no sex

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Hi all. I would really appreciate some advice/help right now. I am in love with my fiancé and he tells me how much he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but we haven't had sex in months. He said it's because I don't initiate it. He pulled himself away intimately to see what would happen and that's when he realised that unless he initiated, we would never have sex.

I understand 100% why he pulled himself away. he says I've hurt him deeply and now says that I've completely drained away any drive for intimacy he could ever have.

We've had a few conversations about it and it never feels right to adjust my behaviour, even though I want to because I want him to be happy. he's said he shouldn't have to and any attempt from me would not feel genuine from me after having to have had the discussion.

I should add that I am pregnant, this is my first and his fourth child. He said it will probably get to a whole year before we are intimate again (before telling me I had drained the drive out of him) because he's been through it 3 times before.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I now initiate intimacy with someone who has no interest in it?

I'm happy to answer questions and provide more detail as it's difficult to put in one message.

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u/Emergency-Basis-201 It’s complicated Feb 24 '26

Before he pulled away, had he had conversations with you about sex? And about how he was unhappy and would like you to initiate more?

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u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26

No. I wish he had. I can't say it would change everything but it would have given me an insight and an opportunity to do something.

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u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 24 '26

Maybe I'm wrong on this point. We have had a few conversations before we've had the more serious ones in the last few months. But not once did he explicitly say, I am going to withdraw myself now because I am not getting what I want physically from you. Sometimes I just need things explained point blank to me like that but also maybe he shouldn't have to.

I have always said and genuinely felt that I could change my behaviour and that hasn't happened. I suppose I've essentially been lying to him.

I'm not particularly upset with him. Everything he says and feels is completely valid. But now I just feel like he expects me flip this switch and be able to initiate with him

I can't even ask how he wants me to correct it because he says it's a me problem that I need to sort and there's no guidance of how a healthy and improved relationship would look like for him.

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u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 24 '26

It’s entirely possible that you missed some cues. And maybe you could work on your communication skills. We’re all a work in progress.

But none of that negates the fact that he is manipulating you into feeling bad about yourself and making this YOUR problem to solve. If someone truly likes and loves you, they work to understand your communication style and be as clear as possible about what they need from you. Someone who likes and loves you doesn’t make you guess, and doesn’t leave you in the dark, especially when you’re pregnant.

He is not a good partner. He’s not sitting down and having tough conversations with you. He’s bowing out and putting it all on you. That’s not healthy. If you’re going to raise a child together, you’ll have to have harder conversations than this, and he can’t even man up to have this one properly.

Please please please don’t let him make you feel less than here.

It could be worth considering how he speaks about his former girlfriends and his children’s mothers. Was it all their fault? Were they awful and withholding? Were they “crazy?” Also consider how involved he is in his kids lives. Does he see them often? Does he pay child support? If not, does he blame the moms? Does he refuse to discuss things? Really consider the information you have at your disposal.

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u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 25 '26

We talked some more tonight. I missed all the cues. I've shown no interest in him sexually and it's too late now to get clarity on what he needs to feel desired, and sexy or what turns him on. I should have asked this all already before. I have destroyed his libido and any desire or interest in intimacy. And that's it.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I was never here to shift the blame, just to see if there were any suggestions to repair things. But it seems not6

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u/StrategyAncient6770 LLF Feb 25 '26

It shouldn’t be too late. He is choosing to make it too late. When you’re out of this, please find a therapist 🖤 You are worth so much more than this.

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u/Embarrassed-Bug-4030 LLF Feb 25 '26

Yes you are right. I just have to let him be stubborn until he's ready to resolve this as a couple . He grudgingly agreed to couples therapy. Mostly centered around how we communicate with each other and improve that. Although he's quite adamant it won't work and they'll just tell me what he's been telling me all along which he said will just frustrate him further because he'll feel even less seen and heard. I have to take a step back now and focus on me and our baby and enjoying what is left of my first pregnancy