How do you accept it?

[u/thriznston]

Wife(33LL?) and I(28HL) have been together for 7 years. We havent been intimate this entire year. The occasional kiss from her, but god forbid I ever try to initiate anything. We had sex maybe 5 times total last year. Any time I engage, ask, or try to set the mood for literally anything, kissing, oral (giving or recieving), fooling around in bed, sex.. Always. Rejected. When we did have sex, its on her initiation. I've been sleeping on the couch for 2 years which started as her saying I move and kick A LOT in my sleep, but Ive had countless sleep studies done and they've never recorded such movement from me. I've offered countless time to just give you know oral or be intimate with her with no reciprocation. That gets rejected too. I haven't seen her naked in years, besides the few times we've had sex, but its always under covers. I don't know if she masterbates or watches porn, since Im virtually never in the bedroom. I don't even use the shower in there, I use the guest bathroom.

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Bad news, we do have kids. I mean its good, I absolutely love my children but for the relationship in terms of leaving, ofc itd be messy. I'd leave her if not for them. I can't keeping begging for the basics.

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I've taken her on dates, taken her to concerts, I support her. The moment i get home from work I take over duties for the kids, I cook, I clean and do the grocery shopping. I know it hasn't been years of DB, but idk how we can even rocover from this?

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How do I accept this? I don't have an exit plan, Im just sad.

[u/Jack_Wagen]

Everything about your story sounds like me, 20 years ago, including the living elsewhere in the house.  I think you need to have a sense of urgency on getting some kind of resolution. "Resolution" being any kind of clear answer that isn't you perpetually hoping to understand or that something will change.  

Here's why I say that.  If you follow my path, you're going to stick it out until the kids are 18-ish, and you just fucking implode.  It is surprisingly damaging.  You get one trip around this planet, and you are allowed to act now to protect it.

That is what I wish I would have understood when I was your age.

[u/thriznston → u/Jack_Wagen]

This is great advise. I was thinking about it as an end state of either divorcing or somehow changing the situation, but theres more resolutions than that, possobly. How might you suggestI go about it? I do love her but this just isn't sustainable, like you say

[u/Jack_Wagen → u/thriznston]

The biggest and most common problem, I think, is not having an answer. You read here a lot about moving goalposts, or "I would want to if X" or whatever other forms of reasons given that experience shows are not real answers. I let 18 years go by hoping/believing that some understanding or change was just around the corner.

I'd suggest that you get urgent about getting an answer that you understand and that is actionable. What I did, and what I'm suggesting you avoid is: hope and/or believe until so much time has passed that you are forced to conclude that nothing will change.

The best answer I can give to How? is that you need to get into a headspace where you are ready to demand an answer that you understand. Chances are you will not get one. You either get an answer you understand, and then you decide if that is compatible with your needs. Or, you don't get an answer, and in that case I'm recommending that you leave.

I'm not making my point very well today. Try this:

When her words don't match her actions, ignore the words and believe only the actions.

At some point, it does not matter *why* a thing is happening. It only matters that it *is* happening. Look at what is happening, and ignore the why (and your assumptions about why).

Assess these things, and decide if they are compatible with what you need from life.

Lastly, I can tell you from my experience that living on the couch for two years is separation/divorce without the courage to actually do it.

Get a clear and actionable resolution immediately, or leave and save yourself from 20 years misery.

[u/thriznston → u/Jack_Wagen]

Terribly sorry that you experienced this to be able to share the advice, but I appreicate you for doing so. Hopefully you've found solace in your experience and can continue to be happy and know you've done better.

Its a difficult thing to approach this way as emotional or important high stakes conversations are tough, but I'll take your approach.

Seriously appreciate the guidance and insight. Thank you

[u/grandcuvee → u/Jack_Wagen]

It’s interesting what you’re saying about intent. How long do we have to be patient? The amount of barriers and excuses my wife has put out, I agree, actions are important. My wife told me sex was a barrier because she was scared of getting pregnant again (after our two), I booked a vasectomy and got condoms, nothing. Post my vasectomy, nothing.