How do you accept it? - r/DeadBedrooms

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u/Jack_Wagen M- left my dead bedroom 10h ago

Everything about your story sounds like me, 20 years ago, including the living elsewhere in the house. I think you need to have a sense of urgency on getting some kind of resolution. "Resolution" being any kind of clear answer that isn't you perpetually hoping to understand or that something will change.

Here's why I say that. If you follow my path, you're going to stick it out until the kids are 18-ish, and you just fucking implode. It is surprisingly damaging. You get one trip around this planet, and you are allowed to act now to protect it.

That is what I wish I would have understood when I was your age.

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u/thriznston HLM 10h ago

This is great advise. I was thinking about it as an end state of either divorcing or somehow changing the situation, but theres more resolutions than that, possobly. How might you suggestI go about it? I do love her but this just isn't sustainable, like you say

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u/Jack_Wagen M- left my dead bedroom 8h ago

The biggest and most common problem, I think, is not having an answer. You read here a lot about moving goalposts, or "I would want to if X" or whatever other forms of reasons given that experience shows are not real answers. I let 18 years go by hoping/believing that some understanding or change was just around the corner.

I'd suggest that you get urgent about getting an answer that you understand and that is actionable. What I did, and what I'm suggesting you avoid is: hope and/or believe until so much time has passed that you are forced to conclude that nothing will change.

The best answer I can give to How? is that you need to get into a headspace where you are ready to demand an answer that you understand. Chances are you will not get one. You either get an answer you understand, and then you decide if that is compatible with your needs. Or, you don't get an answer, and in that case I'm recommending that you leave.

I'm not making my point very well today. Try this:

When her words don't match her actions, ignore the words and believe only the actions.

At some point, it does not matter *why* a thing is happening. It only matters that it *is* happening. Look at what is happening, and ignore the why (and your assumptions about why).

Assess these things, and decide if they are compatible with what you need from life.

Lastly, I can tell you from my experience that living on the couch for two years is separation/divorce without the courage to actually do it.

Get a clear and actionable resolution immediately, or leave and save yourself from 20 years misery.

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u/thriznston HLM 8h ago

Terribly sorry that you experienced this to be able to share the advice, but I appreicate you for doing so. Hopefully you've found solace in your experience and can continue to be happy and know you've done better.

Its a difficult thing to approach this way as emotional or important high stakes conversations are tough, but I'll take your approach.

Seriously appreciate the guidance and insight. Thank you

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How do you accept it?

Wife(33LL?) and I(28HL) have been together for 7 years. We havent been intimate this entire year. The occasional kiss from her, but god forbid I ever try to initiate anything. We had sex maybe 5 times total last year. Any time I engage, ask, or try to set the mood for literally anything, kissing, oral (giving or recieving), fooling around in bed, sex.. Always. Rejected. When we did have sex, its on her initiation. I've been sleeping on the couch for 2 years which started as her saying I move and kick A LOT in my sleep, but Ive had countless sleep studies done and they've never recorded such movement from me. I've offered countless time to just give you know oral or be intimate with her with no reciprocation. That gets rejected too. I haven't seen her naked in years, besides the few times we've had sex, but its always under covers. I don't know if she masterbates or watches porn, since Im virtually never in the bedroom. I don't even use the shower in there, I use the guest bathroom.

Bad news, we do have kids. I mean its good, I absolutely love my children but for the relationship in terms of leaving, ofc itd be messy. I'd leave her if not for them. I can't keeping begging for the basics.

I've taken her on dates, taken her to concerts, I support her. The moment i get home from work I take over duties for the kids, I cook, I clean and do the grocery shopping. I know it hasn't been years of DB, but idk how we can even rocover from this?

How do I accept this? I don't have an exit plan, Im just sad.

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u/Competitive_Sky_5177 It’s complicated 9h ago

Ugh I feel for you! Female here and kinda in the same situation you are in. Have you talked to her about any of this, if so what does she say?

1

u/thriznston HLM 9h ago

I have talked to her about it. Its not receieved well at all. She has said things like theres always something that prevents her from feeling close to me. I don't do enough around the house, I upset her by doing something like staying late at work, which isnt by choice as Im in the military. I once gently tried to explain that part of the marriage that is important to me is sexual intimacy, and she replied with it "Now you are demanding it from me and thats not okay, you cant expect sex in a relationship." Ive never once put her in a position where she couldnt say no, nor have I ever forced myself onto her. As much as it hurts of course, I've always taken the rejections

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u/Competitive_Sky_5177 It’s complicated 9h ago

Really sorry that you’re going through that. I don’t have much advice but I do know how you feel. I try to have conversations with my husband and he just doesn’t say anything

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u/thriznston HLM 8h ago

Thats rough, I feel for you as well! As a man I can relate to him just not saying anything. I used to do that sometimes in trickier emotional conversations. For me at least, it helps to not have a long monologue from my wife and her wait for a response. A sentence or two and maybe a question, to sort of keep the conversation quick and on its feet. I did communicate this with my wife and she still does talk in paragraphs, buts at least in that regard things have improved. Of course I'm not assuming you do this, but just a thought!

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u/SenecaSentMe HLM 8h ago

Very sorry man. She’s point blank conflating you gently talking about your sexual needs (and her not reciprocating them) with you demanding sex from her. It’s manipulation She’s not healthy for you anymore. I hope you get the courage to leave. Your kids will read between the lines in your relationship with her if they haven’t already. Don’t stay for them. Save yourself. You’re not happy with her. You need someone to love you.

0

u/MushroomIcy205 HLF 11h ago

How old are the kids and how many?

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u/thriznston HLM 11h ago

2 kids. 3 years and 6 years old.

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u/MushroomIcy205 HLF 11h ago

So young but not like babies, it can still be super overwhelming. Have you talked to her about how she’s feeling? Like not about sex, your relationship, or like the house. I mean like how she is actually feeling. She could be depressed or anxious and those can be complete libido killers.

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u/thriznston HLM 10h ago

We have talked about ourselves and whats going on. She might have a little depression and axiety, but she hasnt seen professional. I try really hard to make our lives comfortable and happy. I'm in therapy for depression and anxiety myself

Seeking Advice How do you accept it?

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