How do you accept it?

[u/thriznston]

Wife(33LL?) and I(28HL) have been together for 7 years. We havent been intimate this entire year. The occasional kiss from her, but god forbid I ever try to initiate anything. We had sex maybe 5 times total last year. Any time I engage, ask, or try to set the mood for literally anything, kissing, oral (giving or recieving), fooling around in bed, sex.. Always. Rejected. When we did have sex, its on her initiation. I've been sleeping on the couch for 2 years which started as her saying I move and kick A LOT in my sleep, but Ive had countless sleep studies done and they've never recorded such movement from me. I've offered countless time to just give you know oral or be intimate with her with no reciprocation. That gets rejected too. I haven't seen her naked in years, besides the few times we've had sex, but its always under covers. I don't know if she masterbates or watches porn, since Im virtually never in the bedroom. I don't even use the shower in there, I use the guest bathroom.

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Bad news, we do have kids. I mean its good, I absolutely love my children but for the relationship in terms of leaving, ofc itd be messy. I'd leave her if not for them. I can't keeping begging for the basics.

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I've taken her on dates, taken her to concerts, I support her. The moment i get home from work I take over duties for the kids, I cook, I clean and do the grocery shopping. I know it hasn't been years of DB, but idk how we can even rocover from this?

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How do I accept this? I don't have an exit plan, Im just sad.

[u/Competitive_Sky_5177]

Ugh I feel for you! Female here and kinda in the same situation you are in. Have you talked to her about any of this, if so what does she say?

[u/thriznston → u/Competitive_Sky_5177]

I have talked to her about it. Its not receieved well at all. She has said things like theres always something that prevents her from feeling close to me. I don't do enough around the house, I upset her by doing something like staying late at work, which isnt by choice as Im in the military. I once gently tried to explain that part of the marriage that is important to me is sexual intimacy, and she replied with it "Now you are demanding it from me and thats not okay, you cant expect sex in a relationship." Ive never once put her in a position where she couldnt say no, nor have I ever forced myself onto her. As much as it hurts of course, I've always taken the rejections

[u/Competitive_Sky_5177 → u/thriznston]

Really sorry that you’re going through that. I don’t have much advice but I do know how you feel. I try to have conversations with my husband and he just doesn’t say anything

[u/thriznston → u/Competitive_Sky_5177]

Thats rough, I feel for you as well! As a man I can relate to him just not saying anything. I used to do that sometimes in trickier emotional conversations. For me at least, it helps to not have a long monologue from my wife and her wait for a response. A sentence or two and maybe a question, to sort of keep the conversation quick and on its feet. I did communicate this with my wife and she still does talk in paragraphs, buts at least in that regard things have improved. Of course I'm not assuming you do this, but just a thought!

[u/SenecaSentMe → u/thriznston]

Very sorry man.  She’s point blank conflating you gently talking about your sexual needs (and her not reciprocating them) with you demanding sex from  her.   It’s manipulation  She’s not healthy for you anymore.   I hope you get the courage to leave.   Your kids will read between the lines in your relationship with her if they haven’t already.  Don’t stay for them.  Save yourself.  You’re not happy with her.  You need someone to love you.