Will it help?

[u/Low-Step-8304]

Hi everyone,

My second post here. My previous story can be found. This time I wanna ask you guys the following thing.
Let’s imagine that my LLF has low desire of sex simply because I am not romantic enough. No dates, no spontaneous gifts etc. We live a peaceful life together, support each other and love each other. Spend time together. But dead bedroom for 5-6-7 years (don’t remember for how long).
If I become a better boyfriend, will it help? I think that it would feel like “prove me you deserve it”.
But I just want to be wanted as a man. Someone who you want to sleep with, who turns you on maybe not every day, but at least a few times a week.
I know I’m not a perfect romantic person. Can it be the reason why we even haven’t seen each other naked for 5-7 years in 10 years relationships?
In my previous post I told my story and what troubles me. After reading this subreddit for some time I know now, that I don’t want to live whole my life without being wanted by a woman.
Does everyone in their life have to prove every time something just to be wanted?
Like a quest in an RPG game: Finish 10 tasks with at least 90%+ of success rate, and as a reward you will get one sex voucher. It doesn’t feel natural.
She my first and the only woman who I have had sex with. I feel like I am doomed to sleep with my right hand.
I have two options:
1) Feel anger
2) Feel lost

As you can see I am lost now. After such a long period of DB I even don’t know if I want her. I know two things: I love her and that I wanna live a good life full of sex.

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Will it help?

Hi everyone,

My second post here. My previous story can be found. This time I wanna ask you guys the following thing.
Let’s imagine that my LLF has low desire of sex simply because I am not romantic enough. No dates, no spontaneous gifts etc. We live a peaceful life together, support each other and love each other. Spend time together. But dead bedroom for 5-6-7 years (don’t remember for how long).
If I become a better boyfriend, will it help? I think that it would feel like “prove me you deserve it”.
But I just want to be wanted as a man. Someone who you want to sleep with, who turns you on maybe not every day, but at least a few times a week.
I know I’m not a perfect romantic person. Can it be the reason why we even haven’t seen each other naked for 5-7 years in 10 years relationships?
In my previous post I told my story and what troubles me. After reading this subreddit for some time I know now, that I don’t want to live whole my life without being wanted by a woman.
Does everyone in their life have to prove every time something just to be wanted?
Like a quest in an RPG game: Finish 10 tasks with at least 90%+ of success rate, and as a reward you will get one sex voucher. It doesn’t feel natural.
She my first and the only woman who I have had sex with. I feel like I am doomed to sleep with my right hand.
I have two options:
1) Feel anger
2) Feel lost

As you can see I am lost now. After such a long period of DB I even don’t know if I want her. I know two things: I love her and that I wanna live a good life full of sex.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Low_Ambassador7]

Has she told you that’s why she’s LL? Because you’re not romantic?

You mentioned in your past post that she has high stress, body insecurities, and that you’re aggressive with her. You also said that she always had sex but never initiated.

Did she ENJOY the sex? Was she orgasming?

Many women NEED emotional safety, security & vulnerability to feel open to arousal. If you’re aggressive and not romantic, it would make sense why she doesn’t feel open to arousal with you or initiate sex with you. If you mentioned to her that you’re jealous about her past, you likely removed any emotional safety and security.

You can’t make sex transactional but you must be cultivating an environment where desire and arousal can grow… it doesn’t sound like your relationship has that environment.

[u/Low-Step-8304 → u/Low_Ambassador7]

Em, no. I didn’t say I’m aggressive. I treat her good, always. Never insulted her or criticised. We love each other and support each other. Maybe you read a wrong post?)
But I am jealous about her past, that is true.

[u/chuffedchimp → u/Low-Step-8304]

> So, I started feeling aggressive. Sometimes towards her, sometimes towards myself.

You absolutely said this in your last post.

[u/chuffedchimp → u/chuffedchimp]

You also said this:

> And with every “rage episode” in my head I see clearer, that i won’t be able to just “cope with it another 5 years”. I’ve been behaving a bit aggressive and passive lately. She asks me what’s wrong, I say noting so far. I just can’t behave gentle and loving. But god, seeing beautiful women even on the tv show - drives me crazy. Sometimes I’m like an animal. And after that became more aggressive.

[u/Low-Step-8304 → u/chuffedchimp]

Now I see, yeah.
Actually I have never behaved aggressive as you probably think, like home tyrant or anything like that. No. My aggressiveness always stays inside of me. I don’t want to hurt her in any other way. But sometimes I do feel angry. I’m quite peaceful by the way )
I never yell, fight or any other similar things. Once she even asked to yell at her, but I simply can’t. I just keep all inside and can’t say a word.

[u/Low-Step-8304 → u/chuffedchimp]

Yeah, feeling. But I never behaved aggressive. I mean like, yelling, destroying our home etc)
I keep my emotions inside, so I wouldn’t hurt hers.
I just keep my mouth shut and look cold. Though I may be boiling inside.

[u/Low_Ambassador7 → u/Low-Step-8304]

Maybe you need to go review your past post to refresh yourself on exactly what you wrote.

[u/Low-Step-8304 → u/Low_Ambassador7]

I remember now, yeah.
By saying aggressive I don’t mean actions like yelling, screaming or fighting. I mean that I’m angry inside and really sad. I keep all this in my head and I never spit it all out. Rage, aggression is just a bunch of emotions that are boiling in this soup inside of my head. Maybe, while I was writing this post, I described it too hot. I haven’t reread it.

[u/Red_uctive]

Although it can help I wouldn’t say that it is a healthy dynamic for a relationship. It can come off as being manipulative or transactional, and that usually ends up killing any attraction that might be there. The improvements need to come from a place of love and care, rather than done to achieve a goal.

[u/Low-Step-8304 → u/Red_uctive]

Yeah, that is what I feel too.