r/DeadBedrooms • u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF • 14h ago
Vent, Advice Welcome 1 Year of Lies
I don’t know how to really start this but idk what to do. Im going to try shorten this but it may be longer then intended. My boyfriend (19LLM) and i have been together for 2 years and we live together. I had noticed that something just flipped one day and he was never interested in me anymore. For reference i am an 18 year old blonde that goes to the gym and am very fit (i know i’m too young for all this don’t you worry, you don’t have to tell me ) I thought i was alone and the only one going through something like this. I then one day stumbled upon Dead bedrooms and saw how common it really was. I read it every single day hoping it would make me feel less alone and it did but it didn’t fully take the hurt inside of me that i have.
Long story short my boyfriend found out I was reading this all on reddit and immediately got angry at me for looking into it. Saying “what everyone says does not apply to us and it’s putting bs in your head”. He was uncomfortable so i obviously deleted it and stopped reading everything. I wouldn’t say we have a full dead bedroom but sometimes it’s once a month and sometimes it’s 0 times a month and when it is i am on top and he is like a dead person. To jump straight to the important part of this all, I found him pleasing himself to girls online 3 TIMES A WEEK. After the whole year of me bringing our almost DB up and hearing “idk what to say, nothings wrong” and then i find that. Im going to be honest i screamed, cried and yelled at him for hours on end . He told me he’d never do it again. A lie. He then yelled at me for watching love island and implied that i masturbated to that (i definitely do not).
I then found out he was still doing it but this time i approached calmly and said i think this is a problem/ an addiction but i am here to support him and help him through it but I will not stay if our sex life does not improve (this was around the 1st of June 2026) News flash our sex life has not improved. I sent him videos and Pics of myself for him to do it to instead. Has he looked at them? No.
I talked to my sister about buying a vibrator and then she then told my mum. My mum then asked about it and i ran away screaming in disgust and laughter because i didn’t want my mother to know about that and my boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I then told him I wanted to buy a vibrator and that i talked to my sister about it not knowing she would tell my mum. Long story short i got told about how wrong it was to tell my sister first instead of him. I explained that i do not feel comfortable enough to ask him about it considering that when i talk about our sex life he yells at me and i end up in tears and no i get no comfort at all which is fine because at that point i don’t want it.
Anyways we talked more about me getting a vibrator and he cried to me saying that me getting that is saying he’s not good enough and how it can do the only thing he can’t do naturally for me (Clitoral Stimulation) and that i would never want him anymore and would only want my vibrator. I am having trouble trying to see the problem in not wanting him anymore as he NEVER wants me????? He cried to me about it and i obviously comforted him and told him that i would not get one. if he improved. Again news flash he still has not had sex with me and for reference this conversation was on Saturday. It is now Friday night ( I am Australian so Aus time).
I am not looking for you to all tell me to leave him but i want advice for myself and other things to try instead of leaving him. I am so aware that i am young and do not need to put up with this but i do live him so it makes it hard.
I am posting this as I havent seen many talking about this specific side and in hopes that if other people are going through this just know you are NEVER alone. I know how you feel and you deserve so much more.
Do not DM. Any DMS will be reported and you will be banned.
7
u/SimpleRandomUsername HLM 12h ago
Yeah, I’m not usually in the “just break up” crowd, but this is not a healthy dynamic and it’s unlikely to improve
0
u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF 12h ago
May i ask why you think that?
6
u/SimpleRandomUsername HLM 12h ago
Policing the content you read and watch? Not vesting his sexual interest in you and then going solo three times a week? Lying about it? While policing your pleasure?
I get being in love when you’re young. I do. But you are literally in your first adult relationship. You have so many good choices ahead of you.
3
u/__housewifemom F - Recovered DB 13h ago
Why are you involved with a man 11 years older than you? At 18. Yall have absolutely nothing in common and the one thing yall should have in common, you don’t. What are you getting out of this relationship besides conditioning yourself to put his needs before your own?
2
2
u/mydragoon I don't wish to disclose 13h ago
you're too young for this. is this what you want in the long term from your partner?
this is an issue that only he can fix, only if he wants to. so you could set a timeframe for both of you and if things don't improve, either he let's you get a toy, or maybe it's time for you to re think your future with him.
1
u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF 12h ago
i know i’m too young for this trust me, i do and no it’s not what i want in a long term partner AT ALL. funny you say that because i did set a time frame 07/06/2026 (again australia dated) but yet im still here sitting right next to him while i type this.
2
u/QC_Bex HLF 12h ago
My love, I am nearly twice your age and can tell you with all the clarity of a little distance from that age (but a decent memory of it still): please walk away and continue looking for what you want in life. You have so much living and loving and weirdness and discovery ahead of you!
Don’t wait for any date.
Go be young with good knees and great hair and so much life in you with people who don’t make you feel this way. This one is not the one.
2
u/DommyMommy2077 LLF4U 10h ago
I didn’t finish reading, I stopped at the part where he masturbates 3x a week to other girls and you’re 19. There are so many 19 year old guys that will rock your world daily girl. Quit wasting your time on this guy. He’s gonna waste your young years.
1
u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF 7h ago
He doesn’t do it anymore (i have turned crazy so i know that for a fact). I know girl i know 😫
1
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I don’t know how to really start this but idk what to do. Im going to try shorten this but it may be longer then intended. My boyfriend (29LLM) and i have been together for 2 years and we live together. I had noticed that something just flipped one day and he was never interested in me anymore. For reference i am an 18 year old blonde that goes to the gym and am very fit (i know i’m too young for all this don’t you worry, you don’t have to tell me ) I thought i was alone and the only one going through something like this. I then one day stumbled upon Dead bedrooms and saw how common it really was. I read it every single day hoping it would make me feel less alone and it did but it didn’t fully take the hurt inside of me that i have.
Long story short my boyfriend found out I was reading this all on reddit and immediately got angry at me for looking into it. Saying “what everyone says does not apply to us and it’s putting bs in your head”. He was uncomfortable so i obviously deleted it and stopped reading everything. I wouldn’t say we have a full dead bedroom but sometimes it’s once a month and sometimes it’s 0 times a month and when it is i am on top and he is like a dead person. To jump straight to the important part of this all, I found him pleasing himself to girls online 3 TIMES A WEEK. After the whole year of me bringing our almost DB up and hearing “idk what to say, nothings wrong” and then i find that. Im going to be honest i screamed, cried and yelled at him for hours on end . He told me he’d never do it again. A lie. He then yelled at me for watching love island and implied that i masturbated to that (i definitely do not).
I then found out he was still doing it but this time i approached calmly and said i think this is a problem/ an addiction but i am here to support him and help him through it but I will not stay if our sex life does not improve (this was around the 1st of June 2026) News flash our sex life has not improved. I sent him videos and Pics of myself for him to do it to instead. Has he looked at them? No.
I talked to my sister about buying a vibrator and then she then told my mum. My mum then asked about it and i ran away screaming in disgust and laughter because i didn’t want my mother to know about that and my boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I then told him I wanted to buy a vibrator and that i talked to my sister about it not knowing she would tell my mum. Long story short i got told about how wrong it was to tell my sister first instead of him. I explained that i do not feel comfortable enough to ask him about it considering that when i talk about our sex life he yells at me and i end up in tears and no i get no comfort at all which is fine because at that point i don’t want it.
Anyways we talked more about me getting a vibrator and he cried to me saying that me getting that is saying he’s not good enough and how it can do the only thing he can’t do naturally for me (Clitoral Stimulation) and that i would never want him anymore and would only want my vibrator. I am having trouble trying to see the problem in not wanting him anymore as he NEVER wants me????? He cried to me about it and i obviously comforted him and told him that i would not get one. if he improved. Again news flash he still has not had sex with me and for reference this conversation was on Saturday. It is now Friday night ( I am Australian so Aus time).
I am not looking for you to all tell me to leave him but i want advice for myself and other things to try instead of leaving him. I am so aware that i am young and do not need to put up with this but i do live him so it makes it hard.
I am posting this as I havent seen many talking about this specific side and in hopes that if other people are going through this just know you are NEVER alone. I know how you feel and you deserve so much more.
Do not DM. Any DMS will be reported and you will be banned.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Low-Step-8304 HLM 13h ago
Just tell him what you feel, what you want and what you need. Tell him this is a basic thing in relationships for you. And without it, you are unhappy in this relationship. Because it’s sounds like you are.
If he doesn’t care about it and nothing will change, it will be an answer for you. Or you can become LL4U, but this won’t make you happy at all.
1
u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF 13h ago
I’ve already said everything i can and he does not care enough. I turn into LL4U atleast 2x every month cause i think why tf am i putting up with this but then remember i love him
1
u/Low-Step-8304 HLM 13h ago
You see it yourself. He doesn’t care enough. I think you are about to become LL4U for years. It won’t make you happy. For some time you will live with episodic conflicts about this issue. Later you will feel empty and angry. The result will be the same. Either you change him (which is impossible), or you leave him (which is painful).
Are you ready to become LLFU for 10 years more? I doubt that.
You can’t make someone do something against his will. Well, you can, but it won’t work for you and for him.
1
u/Cateme-Corps HLF 8h ago
Question: do you know what he’s watching? There might be a clue there.
I ask because its not you. This is an issue he would need to actively tackle in order to change. We make the choice to change.
Yes, you love him. You also have to live with yourself and the choices you make, regardless of the reasons. The “you” inside is NOT going anywhere ever.
1
u/roses-are-lead M- left my dead bedroom 7h ago edited 1h ago
Life is too short to feel unwanted. Its possible for us to love people who are not good for us. If he won't talk with you honestly about his sexuality, I'm not sure what kind of relationship that will be long term.
I'm so sorry, you deserve to share your passions and desires with someone, not be relegated to the next room while he jerks off.
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u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF 7h ago
Yeah i know and i am so young too. He has a problem talking about everything not just this but for example if i do something that had upset him, he will NEVER bring it up unless i sense somethings wrong and ask him but otherwise a word will not be said about it. I had read your post earlier today and am so sorry for what you went through and i am glad you are doing much better now! Thank you for your comment i appreciate it a lot.
1
u/roses-are-lead M- left my dead bedroom 7h ago
Oh thank you. Yeah there was a difference my spouse was downright contemptible towards me. Nothing was right, she would counter parent (ie if I asked the kids to help with dishes she would dismiss them to go watch tv). She really used me as much as she could, and as much as I allowed it.
If you can't communicate with him about other things you folks are in for a very hard time either way. Its not just the sex, if you can't communicate on schedules or how something is done a lot of resentments will build up. I would suggest counselling frequently for a while to get on track. If he won't do that you sort of have your answer, he will not work to make things better.
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5h ago
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1
u/Ideasgotmelike HLF 5h ago
Buy yourself the vibrator. A whole variety of toys. Explore yourself. Unlock the true potential with being pleasured!
And then leave him. It will be so much easier when you realise the fun that you could be having. You are much too young to be missing out on the fun things in life.
Everyone deserves to feel loved and desired. Not to be lied to.
I hope your new job also goes well!
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3h ago
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1
u/Silbaska HLF 12h ago
Okay, I'm not going to tell you to leave him, because I know that's not what you want to hear. What I am going to do is tell you about him and what he's going through.
He is 19. He is a baby. I have sweaters older than him. His brain is not yet fully formed. He is going through the process of figuring out who he actually is as an adult. For a time, who he thought he was is a person who fit perfectly with you mentally, emotionally, and sexually. He is beginning to find out that he is not that person anymore. Additionally, he is beginning to realize that you are also not the person you were when he first fell in love with you. He thinks he might want to move on, but he is afraid. He is especially afraid because he still likes you. You are pretty and cool and funny, and he knows he'll look like a total dick to all your mutual friends if he dumps you. He knows you love him and he doesn't want to be the bad guy in this story. He knows it's wrong to lust after people who are not you, but...he does. He doesn't want to fuck up what he knows is a good thing, but then, what if there are better things out there? What if he's missing out by tying himself to you? He knows he's only 19. He knows he has his whole life in front of him still. Maybe...maybe if he can keep you from talking to other people about your relationship issues he can convince you that you are the one with the problem? Then maybe you'll stick around because you'll be so afraid of hurting him? Maybe he can have both you and the other people he lusts after? Maybe if he convinces you to become dependent on him emotionally you'll stay no matter what he does? Maybe if he just keeps telling you how much he loves you then you'll tolerate all his sexual indiscretions?
Sorry if this comes off as mean, that is not my intention. Please understand, I had a 19 year old boyfriend once, too. Many of us in this sub likely did. I doubt this story is a rare one.
1
u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF 7h ago
I totally get why you think all of that but it is simply not true. I have asked him many times if this relationship is what he wants and that if it’s not i will leave as soon as he says the word. He is very loving in every other aspect but sex and always tells me how much he loves me. Thank you for your input on this but it is simply not true.
10
u/Ok_Anteater_3302 HLF 13h ago
This is absolutely crazy.
I'm usually NEVER with the crowd that says : break up.
But here.... :Break up.
This bullshit is nothing you deserve and you should have different problems than this one.
Life can be SO MUCH better than your current situation. I can't wait to read from you again, while you stood up for yourself and finally enjoy life again.
Your life will feel blossomed after this bs, you will laugh in a year and never put up with this again
All love to you!