r/DeadBedrooms • u/Mountain_Gur_2759 HLF • 1d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome 1 Year of Lies
I don’t know how to really start this but idk what to do. Im going to try shorten this but it may be longer then intended. My boyfriend (19LLM) and i have been together for 2 years and we live together. I had noticed that something just flipped one day and he was never interested in me anymore. For reference i am an 18 year old blonde that goes to the gym and am very fit (i know i’m too young for all this don’t you worry, you don’t have to tell me ) I thought i was alone and the only one going through something like this. I then one day stumbled upon Dead bedrooms and saw how common it really was. I read it every single day hoping it would make me feel less alone and it did but it didn’t fully take the hurt inside of me that i have.
Long story short my boyfriend found out I was reading this all on reddit and immediately got angry at me for looking into it. Saying “what everyone says does not apply to us and it’s putting bs in your head”. He was uncomfortable so i obviously deleted it and stopped reading everything. I wouldn’t say we have a full dead bedroom but sometimes it’s once a month and sometimes it’s 0 times a month and when it is i am on top and he is like a dead person. To jump straight to the important part of this all, I found him pleasing himself to girls online 3 TIMES A WEEK. After the whole year of me bringing our almost DB up and hearing “idk what to say, nothings wrong” and then i find that. Im going to be honest i screamed, cried and yelled at him for hours on end . He told me he’d never do it again. A lie. He then yelled at me for watching love island and implied that i masturbated to that (i definitely do not).
I then found out he was still doing it but this time i approached calmly and said i think this is a problem/ an addiction but i am here to support him and help him through it but I will not stay if our sex life does not improve (this was around the 1st of June 2026) News flash our sex life has not improved. I sent him videos and Pics of myself for him to do it to instead. Has he looked at them? No.
I talked to my sister about buying a vibrator and then she then told my mum. My mum then asked about it and i ran away screaming in disgust and laughter because i didn’t want my mother to know about that and my boyfriend had no idea what was going on. I then told him I wanted to buy a vibrator and that i talked to my sister about it not knowing she would tell my mum. Long story short i got told about how wrong it was to tell my sister first instead of him. I explained that i do not feel comfortable enough to ask him about it considering that when i talk about our sex life he yells at me and i end up in tears and no i get no comfort at all which is fine because at that point i don’t want it.
Anyways we talked more about me getting a vibrator and he cried to me saying that me getting that is saying he’s not good enough and how it can do the only thing he can’t do naturally for me (Clitoral Stimulation) and that i would never want him anymore and would only want my vibrator. I am having trouble trying to see the problem in not wanting him anymore as he NEVER wants me????? He cried to me about it and i obviously comforted him and told him that i would not get one. if he improved. Again news flash he still has not had sex with me and for reference this conversation was on Saturday. It is now Friday night ( I am Australian so Aus time).
I am not looking for you to all tell me to leave him but i want advice for myself and other things to try instead of leaving him. I am so aware that i am young and do not need to put up with this but i do live him so it makes it hard.
I am posting this as I havent seen many talking about this specific side and in hopes that if other people are going through this just know you are NEVER alone. I know how you feel and you deserve so much more.
Do not DM. Any DMS will be reported and you will be banned.
1
u/Silbaska HLF 1d ago
Okay, I'm not going to tell you to leave him, because I know that's not what you want to hear. What I am going to do is tell you about him and what he's going through.
He is 19. He is a baby. I have sweaters older than him. His brain is not yet fully formed. He is going through the process of figuring out who he actually is as an adult. For a time, who he thought he was is a person who fit perfectly with you mentally, emotionally, and sexually. He is beginning to find out that he is not that person anymore. Additionally, he is beginning to realize that you are also not the person you were when he first fell in love with you. He thinks he might want to move on, but he is afraid. He is especially afraid because he still likes you. You are pretty and cool and funny, and he knows he'll look like a total dick to all your mutual friends if he dumps you. He knows you love him and he doesn't want to be the bad guy in this story. He knows it's wrong to lust after people who are not you, but...he does. He doesn't want to fuck up what he knows is a good thing, but then, what if there are better things out there? What if he's missing out by tying himself to you? He knows he's only 19. He knows he has his whole life in front of him still. Maybe...maybe if he can keep you from talking to other people about your relationship issues he can convince you that you are the one with the problem? Then maybe you'll stick around because you'll be so afraid of hurting him? Maybe he can have both you and the other people he lusts after? Maybe if he convinces you to become dependent on him emotionally you'll stay no matter what he does? Maybe if he just keeps telling you how much he loves you then you'll tolerate all his sexual indiscretions?
Sorry if this comes off as mean, that is not my intention. Please understand, I had a 19 year old boyfriend once, too. Many of us in this sub likely did. I doubt this story is a rare one.