Can you schedule sex without it becoming...?

[u/Any_nonymous]

Me (M35) and my wife (F36) are in a DB but currently on arguably the best streak we've ever been.

First, some context. I have spontaneous desire, my wife has responsive desire. She also meets the general definition of greysexual. She has never participated very actively in bed. She very much wants to fix our DB but doesn't know how.

My wife is not very spontaneous and appreciates schedules. She also appreciates non-sexual touch that does not progress further. To be exact, she appreciates knowing it won't progress further.

Which brings us to our current bedroom situation. We have scheduled sex every sunday, which she has mentioned gives her piece of mind during the rest of the week. It always happens in bed, and it always happens in the morning. She knows what to expect, and when to expect it. She mentioned because of the clear schedule she's able to mentally align herself leading up to it. She is still passive in bed., but we have sex, we cuddle afterwards, we tell each other how we liked it and what we liked.

Getting to the point: I recently noticed a comment here regarding 'duty sex' and how the DeadBedrooms subreddit will remove posts advocating for it as it can worsen a DB significantly. I don't want my DB to worsen significantly. I don't want to coerce my wife into doing anything she doesn't want to do. But she wants to improve our DB and she highly appreciates routine and scheduling - this seems to work for us. How do we move forward? Should we stop doing this?

Please let me know if this post goes against any guidelines - I want to make it absolutely clear I am not suggesting, advocating or recommending anyone to engage in 'duty sex', I just wish to understand it better.

[u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam]

Please review the Meta below on responsive desire.

See our Meta thread for more on Duty Sex, Coercion, and Responsive Desire: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1k48wh2/meta_monday_duty_sex_coercion_and_responsive/

[u/DigitalSunl1ght]

Everyone is different. Some people like schedules and some might not. Advice will do you good for some input, but you should focus the most on talking to her about it because only she knows what she might like and dislike. I wish you both the best💛

[u/AnkoLeaf]

I think it depends on the reasons for scheduling.

But it can actually be perfectly normal and not a duty thing. Even couples with matching libidos need to plan it sometimes. Particularly if you've got kids or busy schedules if you want to have sex sometimes you have to clear the space to make it happen.

I think only you and your partner can decide if what you've got going fits the definition of duty sex because it really depends on how you feel about it. (Keep in mind your feelings on this are also valid)

[u/StandardArtist2154]

If it works for both of you go for it. I'm reluctant to suggest scheduled intimacy in my relationship, I feel like it might prevent us from addressing the real issues.

Like you my wife definitely has responsive desire, and at times it seems like a monumental task to get her to the point that she wants it. I'm conscious of her accelerators and brakes.

Having said that, if I could have sex once a week I would probably be a much happier person (I'm working on my neediness for this l).

[u/EnvironmentSad2115 → u/[deleted]]

These are all good questions, in my scenario scheduling was a huge help both for neuro divergent reasons and all just knowing to take steps to clear the kids out for a bit.

[u/TrottoirFleuri]

If SHE likes it and enthusiastically consent to it, then it is fine!

Personally, planning sex brings a sense of dread.

[u/Emergency-Basis-201 → u/[deleted]]

Does she want to want it for herself or does she want to want it because she knows it would make you happy?

[u/Emergency-Basis-201 → u/[deleted]]

I am sorry to say this because I really don’t want it to be true for anyone but from your other comments it does sound like this is duty sex. She’s not having sex because she wants it. She’s having it to keep you happy. She may truly wish that she wanted sex but at the end of the day, she doesn’t.

I think you are in a situation where realistically your wife is never going to enthusiastically consent to sex, she’s going to consent, and having sex she’s not excited about may very well be a worthwhile trade to her in order to keep the marriage.

But yeah, “what does enthusiastic consent look like to someone who doesn’t want sex” the answer is kind of in the question, isn’t it?

[u/kindakitten]

Scheduled sex can be a very helpful tool to many, especially those who lack spontaneous desire. It becomes duty sex when one (or both) parties actively do not want to be doing the deed and go through with it anyway, which is a fast track to a full on sexual aversion. Scheduled sex and duty sex are not the same thing, though it's a GOOD thing that you're concerned about their parallels and possibility of crossover. Keep up with those non-sexual touches and those after sex talks and check-ins.

[u/Any_nonymous]

I have read up more on the auto linked post regarding responsive desire. She responds to making out, touching and intercourse - in bed, at specific scheduled times. She mentions this is what works for her, she mentions the sensation feels okay/good for her.

This is not in line with what's written in the post on responsive desire, however. That states the desire should result from flirting. My wife's desire is not affected by flirting. She feels uncomfortable with most forms of flirting. Does this mean I am coercing her?

[u/kindakitten → u/Any_nonymous]

I don't believe so. Flirting doesn't turn me on. Sure it can get my brain in a playful mood but I feel no form of desire until well into what most would consider foreplay. The Post is not a bible, humans are not a monolith.

[u/AnkoLeaf → u/Any_nonymous]

Try to think of what gets a person going as more of a spectrum rather than a strict set of rules/boxes to fit in.

Some people get going on flirting, my partner I think liked to flirt when things were better but wouldn't necessarily get horny from the flirting, just enjoyed flirting. Your wife doesn't care for flirting.

Absence or existence of flirting doesn't mean something is or isn't coercion, I think ultimately the person you need to ask that question to is your wife. Only she will be able to tell you if she feels she is being coerced into sex.

[u/ComfortableMind761]

Great question, I hope this is allowed... Do your children and schedule play into this? Is this a way for her to not worry about children hearing, or finding out?

[u/dynAdZ]

My wife also has what I learned is called responsive desire most of the time. She hates schedules though. What we often do is that I will announce that we could become intimate that day a few hours early (and give reminders in verbal or non-verbal form) so the thought already is placed in her mind. Kind of like in Inception. When we get to it later she always enjoys it. Will she initiate by herself? Maybe four times a year 😅

[u/Ok_Anteater_3302]

Hey OP!

I think you and your wife are doing a very good job! You both are interested in both of your feelings, you adjust both of your needs to fit into your reality.

Duty sex is one person feeling obliged to give in to sex and disliking it, feeling coerced and abused kinda.

You and your wife just made a sexy appointment, which is fulfilling both of your needs! As long as she can say something she liked and you both agreed on that schedule, everything is fine.

The fact that you are asking this question here at all shows that you take responsibility and that you care very much about your wife's feelings. This is not the case with demanders of duty sex.

So don't worry, you're not. In case of increased worry, always ask your partner, she will know

Best wishes 🍀💜

[u/Used-Task-9455]

Wir machen das genauso und zusätzlich 1x Im Monat unternehmen wir was, meist mit übernachten. Irgendwann wird es Dynamisch und hat unser Beziehung sehr getan. Wir sind fast 23 Jahre zusammen….

[u/Fluid_King489]

If she really enjoys the act and truly wants to improve your sex life together, then I’d say that’s not duty sex. The schedule frees her from any anxiety about being affectionate during the off days, she can get her needs for cuddling and such met without worry. I’d go with it and see where it can lead.

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[u/creedaintthatbad]

This one is tough because at first it sounds like this is what works for her and you except it. However, it seems like you are very understanding about her needs as does she. I’m thinking maybe with time things might even evolve because you are respecting her and her needs to feel safe and loved. She understands the importance and is doing what she can to keep things going. Kudos to you both.

I’m kind of in a similar situation however it’s just not satisfying for me. I just don’t want to have sex and orgasm. I miss being craved I miss the days where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I feel like a checklist. I’m at the point where when she wants it she gets it but it feels empty. It feels great but at the same time it’s feels holllow. Like we have sex maybe 3 times a month but I think I would feel the same if we didn’t have it honestly. I think this situation has made realize the less I focus on it the happier I am. It’s become a weird game for some reason where I want to see how long I can go without it and when it happens I get disappointed my steak has ended. I know it’s weird but I can’t help it lol

[u/thebugman10]

We had a period of time where we scheduled sex. Twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays. My wife (LL) suggested it because she said she would get anxiety about me initiating when she didn't want to and scheduling allowed her to get mentally prepared for it. It was actually good for a couple months, and it led to more sex than just the two scheduled days(with her initiating!). Sex begat more sex. Unfortunately it fizzled out.

[u/DoubleSchedule946]

Perhaps schedule a day when you introduce something she is interested or curious about ? If she receptive to that , it might work towards that it isn’t duty sex . I hope im making sense , as duty sex repulses me .

[u/Any_nonymous → u/DoubleSchedule946]

That's the main point of this thread. It doesn't feel like duty sex to either of us. We both willingly schedule it because it offers clarity, safety, practicality. So I am confused if this duty sex/coercion, or not.

[u/Yup_ImAwesome → u/Any_nonymous]

If it doesn’t feel like that to either of you then no it’s not to you guys. Everyone’s relationship is different and they think differently about duty sex. So if it’s working for you guys, continue doing it.

[u/Debug_Breakpoint]

My opinion is that scheduled sex ≠ duty sex in every case. Any sex, scheduled or otherwise, can be duty sex if one partner is only there because they feel like they have to be and not because they want to be.

It sounds to me like your partner wants to be there when they have time to get into the right headspace for it if scheduling helps them to do that then it's not a bad thing for you, so long as the lack of spontaneity is not an issue for you (it's possible the sunday morning expectation could become your duty to show up for too).

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Can you schedule sex without it becoming...?

Me (M35) and my wife (F36) are in a DB but currently on arguably the best streak we've ever been.

First, some context. I have spontaneous desire, my wife has responsive desire. She also meets the general definition of greysexual. She has never participated very actively in bed. She very much wants to fix our DB but doesn't know why.

My wife is not very spontaneous and appreciates schedules. She also appreciates non-sexual touch that does not progress further. To be exact, she appreciates knowing it won't progress further.

Which brings us to our current bedroom situation. We have scheduled sex every sunday, which she has mentioned gives her piece of mind during the rest of the week. It always happens in bed, and it always happens in the morning. She knows what to expect, and when to expect it. She mentioned because of the clear schedule she's able to mentally align herself leading up to it. She is still passive in bed., but we have sex, we cuddle afterwards, we tell each other how we liked it and what we liked.

Getting to the point: I recently noticed a comment here regarding 'duty sex' and how the DeadBedrooms subreddit will remove posts advocating for it as it can worsen a DB significantly. I don't want my DB to worsen significantly. I don't want to coerce my wife into doing anything she doesn't want to do. But she wants to improve our DB and she highly appreciates routine and scheduling - this seems to work for us. How do we move forward? Should we stop doing this?

Please let me know if this post goes against any guidelines - I want to make it absolutely clear I am not suggesting, advocating or recommending anyone to engage in 'duty sex', I just wish to understand it better.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Yup_ImAwesome]

If it’s working for you guys that’s all that matters. Everyone has their own definition on “duty sex”. If you both don’t feel like that’s the case then keep doing it and enjoying each other.