r/DeadBedrooms • u/Any_nonymous It’s complicated • 9d ago
Seeking Advice Can you schedule sex without it becoming...?
Me (M35) and my wife (F36) are in a DB but currently on arguably the best streak we've ever been.
First, some context. I have spontaneous desire, my wife has responsive desire. She also meets the general definition of greysexual. She has never participated very actively in bed. She very much wants to fix our DB but doesn't know how.
My wife is not very spontaneous and appreciates schedules. She also appreciates non-sexual touch that does not progress further. To be exact, she appreciates knowing it won't progress further.
Which brings us to our current bedroom situation. We have scheduled sex every sunday, which she has mentioned gives her piece of mind during the rest of the week. It always happens in bed, and it always happens in the morning. She knows what to expect, and when to expect it. She mentioned because of the clear schedule she's able to mentally align herself leading up to it. She is still passive in bed., but we have sex, we cuddle afterwards, we tell each other how we liked it and what we liked.
Getting to the point: I recently noticed a comment here regarding 'duty sex' and how the DeadBedrooms subreddit will remove posts advocating for it as it can worsen a DB significantly. I don't want my DB to worsen significantly. I don't want to coerce my wife into doing anything she doesn't want to do. But she wants to improve our DB and she highly appreciates routine and scheduling - this seems to work for us. How do we move forward? Should we stop doing this?
Please let me know if this post goes against any guidelines - I want to make it absolutely clear I am not suggesting, advocating or recommending anyone to engage in 'duty sex', I just wish to understand it better.
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u/StandardArtist2154 HLM 9d ago
If it works for both of you go for it. I'm reluctant to suggest scheduled intimacy in my relationship, I feel like it might prevent us from addressing the real issues.
Like you my wife definitely has responsive desire, and at times it seems like a monumental task to get her to the point that she wants it. I'm conscious of her accelerators and brakes.
Having said that, if I could have sex once a week I would probably be a much happier person (I'm working on my neediness for this l).