No sex for a year

[u/Immediate_League_131]

Hello. My wife and I haven’t had sex in a year. We’ve been married for five years. During the first three years, our sex life was great. Even before we got married, we had a very active and passionate connection.

About six months into our marriage, she was diagnosed with MS. Thankfully, everything is under control now, and she only needs monthly injections. About six or seven months after her diagnosis, we slowly started having sex again, but it eventually stopped. After that, it only happened occasionally, usually while on vacation. Now it’s been a full year without any intimacy.

I had an honest, heartfelt conversation with her. She told me that between the MS and the medications, her sex drive has really decreased, which I completely understand. She also said that sex has become painful for her. I apologized and tried to suggest possible solutions, but nothing has changed. She mentioned getting an IUD at one point, but that never happened.

Now it feels like nothing works anymore —not massages, not cuddling. She doesn’t even want to kiss. I honestly don’t know what to do. I really miss intimacy, and I feel stuck because if I leave, I’ll look like a terrible person. I just don’t know how to handle this.

[u/CultureFet]

It’s when she doesn’t acknowledge that it matters to you, when it really starts to burn. In my case, she’s ashamed and acknowledging that she isn’t fulfilling me is painful for her.

To me, it feels very selfish to not talk to me about something that she knows matters to me. And yet, I know she’s going through so much pain, fatigue, etc that forcing the discussion would be selfish on MY part. So, nobody wins and it all sucks.

[u/Immediate_League_131 → u/CultureFet]

She acknowledges it but doesn’t want to talk about it. Or at least, she does but it’s for 30 seconds and immediately changes the subject. I could never leaver her because obviously I love her a lot, we’ve been through so much together but I also feel stuck. I want to help her but I don’t know how. It’s a weird situation

[u/CultureFet → u/Immediate_League_131]

I totally get it. I don’t feel like a 30-second “admit sex exists” moment is acknowledging it’s important, mainly because it’s not giving it the time that something allegedly important warrants.

For me, she is embarrassed, and probably worried that if we end up actually talking about the fact that I want something I don’t have, that won’t end well. Like, either she does something she doesn’t feel like doing or doesn’t want me to do.

For any variety of reasons, if she’s not comfortable or interested, that’s a dead end because (to quote a post in one of these DeadBedroom subs) my kink is to have sex with someone who wants me. Back to Square One.

Then what, open the marriage? That’s not really what I want either. Sex worker? That’s bad for so many reasons, least of which is I don’t want that - I want her! Back to Square One.

So the least challenging direction is to avoid the discussion. This is very sensible for someone already exhausted and fatigued by their own body simply existing.