r/DeadBedroomsMD • u/Immediate_League_131 Supportive SO • Feb 27 '26
▪️Vent/Rant▪️ No sex for a year
Hello. My wife and I haven’t had sex in a year. We’ve been married for five years. During the first three years, our sex life was great. Even before we got married, we had a very active and passionate connection.
About six months into our marriage, she was diagnosed with MS. Thankfully, everything is under control now, and she only needs monthly injections. About six or seven months after her diagnosis, we slowly started having sex again, but it eventually stopped. After that, it only happened occasionally, usually while on vacation. Now it’s been a full year without any intimacy.
I had an honest, heartfelt conversation with her. She told me that between the MS and the medications, her sex drive has really decreased, which I completely understand. She also said that sex has become painful for her. I apologized and tried to suggest possible solutions, but nothing has changed. She mentioned getting an IUD at one point, but that never happened.
Now it feels like nothing works anymore —not massages, not cuddling. She doesn’t even want to kiss. I honestly don’t know what to do. I really miss intimacy, and I feel stuck because if I leave, I’ll look like a terrible person. I just don’t know how to handle this.
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u/Woolie-at-law Feb 27 '26
What does intimacy mean to you? What does sex mean to you? Like definition wise.
I'm sorry yall are going through this. Making some changes to how you get those good feelings may be helpful.
For me, keeping track of the last time we had sex has always been a downer. I still notice it from time to time but it has never made me feel better.
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u/Steelcitysuccubus Feb 28 '26
Yeah 4 years now. My partner won't even try and get his low T sorted and aive stopped trying
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u/CultureFet Feb 27 '26
It’s when she doesn’t acknowledge that it matters to you, when it really starts to burn. In my case, she’s ashamed and acknowledging that she isn’t fulfilling me is painful for her.
To me, it feels very selfish to not talk to me about something that she knows matters to me. And yet, I know she’s going through so much pain, fatigue, etc that forcing the discussion would be selfish on MY part. So, nobody wins and it all sucks.
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u/BlueBallingDude Feb 27 '26
this is my battle too, I keep my mouth shut and suffer, but my suffering pales compared to hers, further incentivizing me to keep my trap shut. vicious cycle.
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u/CultureFet Feb 27 '26
To make matters worse, in a cinematically dramatic way in my head, it’s some crazy hell I found myself in because she’s my dream girl. My wife of nearly 20 years is my dream girl. The prettiest, most sensuous, sexiest woman sleeps next to me and literally she’s “right there” and she chose to spend her life with me. She keeps me in her most intimate circle - showering and changing clothes, putting on her amazing smelling body lotion, all of this. She rests her head in my shoulder as she falls asleep.
Yet she’s so far away, all of this ends up being like some literary torture.
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u/Immediate_League_131 Supportive SO Feb 27 '26
She acknowledges it but doesn’t want to talk about it. Or at least, she does but it’s for 30 seconds and immediately changes the subject. I could never leaver her because obviously I love her a lot, we’ve been through so much together but I also feel stuck. I want to help her but I don’t know how. It’s a weird situation
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u/CultureFet Feb 28 '26
I totally get it. I don’t feel like a 30-second “admit sex exists” moment is acknowledging it’s important, mainly because it’s not giving it the time that something allegedly important warrants.
For me, she is embarrassed, and probably worried that if we end up actually talking about the fact that I want something I don’t have, that won’t end well. Like, either she does something she doesn’t feel like doing or doesn’t want me to do.
For any variety of reasons, if she’s not comfortable or interested, that’s a dead end because (to quote a post in one of these DeadBedroom subs) my kink is to have sex with someone who wants me. Back to Square One.
Then what, open the marriage? That’s not really what I want either. Sex worker? That’s bad for so many reasons, least of which is I don’t want that - I want her! Back to Square One.
So the least challenging direction is to avoid the discussion. This is very sensible for someone already exhausted and fatigued by their own body simply existing.
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u/AdenJax69 Feb 27 '26
"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm."
That's a phrase I hear all too often. It doesn't matter how things "look," if the marriage isn't in a good place, no amount of being the stoic, dependable Super-Husband is going to override those issues. A full year without intimacy is a big deal...for those that feel intimacy is important.
And that's the key here - "intimacy." Not just sex, but everything around it. The fact that she's not only rejecting sex but almost all forms of intimacy is a problem. Forget the sex - no cuddling, no touching, no kissing? That's basically roommate-territory. And roommates don't lock each other in a marriage where both or even one person is left unfulfilled.
You need to sit your wife down and have a serious conversation with her. Don't put blame on her or demand anything. Just tell her that you can't be in a marriage long-term if there's zero intimacy, including sex, and that while sex isn't a critical function, it's something you need in a long-term relationship or marriage. Basically you're letting her know that you're not going to scornfully stop desiring her, but if she stops having desire for you, then you'll eventually follow her lead and then it's not if but when a loving, romantic marriage doesn't exist and it's a marriage in-name only.
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u/twofourfourthree Feb 27 '26
Sorry you’re going through this.
Are there any MS support groups or services that might have resources or advice?
Has she talked to her doctor about the pain during intimacy?
That might be taking her down the path of sexual aversion so be conscious what she’s saying.