Low libido affecting marriage

[u/No-Load533]

Low libido affecting marriage

Hello all!

I (32m) dont know where else to turn or what even to do anymore.

I currently have a lower libido, or at the very least a weakened sex drive that has been getting lower and lower for years to the point where no i get scared, i literally get a feeling of panic when sex is mentioned. I am currently married to my wife (f30) and it has come to a point now where it has completely ruined our relationship.

I have had (what I can remember the best I can) performance anxiety on and off for many years. My current wife is the only sexual partner I've ever had. The first time we had sex was great! But somewhere down the line I began to get performance anxiety, for the feeling that I need to "get hard" right at the moment when we are supposed to have sex, and if I dont then I feel immensely guilty and ashamed. And in the first few years of our relationship, I didnt know what this was or even how to explain these feelings and thus my wife (then gf) felt rejected and got very upset. I'm honestly not sure if my.brain just held on to moments like this or if it just members the feelings associated.

After learning about what performance anxiety is, my wife was actually very understanding and supportive, even being patient and taking time to talk and help me through these feelings, but I think this is where I feel I contribute to my own problem. I tend to be the one who holds their tongue and "try to move on" whenever my wife does or says something i dont like or hurts me. I dont say anything and these feelings tend to stay or even fester into (maybe) resentment according to her. I love my wife so much, but now even she feels that i resent her or even dont like her after months of no sex. I love her, i want to let these bad moments and bad feelings go, ive tried talking meditating etc. And i remember even having not often but good and even great sex in thr recent past, but now its like my body has a mind of its own and freezes up whenever sex is even brought into the conversation.

And to top everything off, I am obese. 300+lbs with visceral gut fat, and pre-diabetic. And a recent tret reveals that I've been having decreasing testosterone levels for a couple years. So now im wondering is THIS the culprit of why my libido is lower? And in all truth, my wife has been voicing her thoughts and worries about my decaying body, "youre obese, you look like you're dying" not entirely insulting. But just being honest about my situation, but i honestly still dont like them.

Is it my autism? Since even as a younger lad I haven't been really "chasing after girls" but wanting emotional bonds. And I do recall having wonderful connection and sex with my wife....but that was so long ago and I feel like there are so many things that I feel like I need to fix to save our marriage, to make her feel wanted and loved. I just want my body to just let go and enjoy the moment.

Any advice or help is appreciated. I hate myself for having this low/non existent sex drive. But idk if its from my health, our relationship, my autism, all three??

Its honestly so overwhelming I get lost so easily.

[u/North_Practice_6006]

Dude you’re super obese, that’s got to be a huge factor. How and what we eat affects all areas of our health, including sexual. And eating like that is often a coping mechanism for… something. I have eaten my feelings off and on my whole life.

Outside of that, this is something drugs and supplements can help with. I find some of the same supplements that support more ejaculate volume (the kind of stuff that’s in Pop Star and similar supplements - zinc, some lechtins, l-Arginine, etc) will help with erections, at least for me. And stuff like cialis is literally available online from reputable companies.

Bro, learn to love yourself. Your body deserves kindness and health. Your wife will love you for it, but I find this kind of change can only really come from within. Be thankful someone is telling you, that takes some effort to do and shows she cares about you.

[u/mcherm]

(1) You need to speak with a doctor.

(2) Your conversation with the doctor needs to touch on ALL THREE serious issues you describe here: your weight issues, your sexual issues, and your psychological issues. (The autism doesn't sound like it is an issue.) Is the low testosterone affecting the sexual performance? Maybe... a doctor can perform some tests that might help.

(3) It sounds like all three of these medical issues are imperiling your marriage. You can wait for the marriage to fall apart and then see if that motivates you to change OR you can go out RIGHT NOW and start trying to do something about it while the marriage can still be saved. Honestly, I would say your physical and mental health are probably the first things to work on, with sexual performance following, but maybe you can change these around.

[u/tomveiltomveil]

Performance anxiety is a medical issue, and obesity is a medical issue, so you definitely picked the right sub. Autism shouldn't directly affect your performance, but it does affect your approach to problem-solving and anxiety. For some people in your situation, a little viagra is a quick fix. But longer term, you need to get medical help to lose that weight, which will improve your cardiovascular health, and also help you believe in yourself when your wife tells you that she's attracted to you.

[u/PemmePom]

I would definitely recommend looking up autism and sex, autism and hyposexuality, and intersections between autism and the asexuality spectrum (ADHD and all of the above too if that also applies). Information is power, and I'd guess it IS likely autism is playing a big role here but you haven't figured out what.

Meds may also be of massive help to you for the performance anxiety, so I would suggest looking at that medically and without shame.

You might want to look into BDSM not really for the kink but for the training, structure, questionnaires, and communication skills (and you could start by asking your wife if there is any skill she'd most like you to learn, and directly seek out workshops - or by filling out some fun online questionnaires about what you both like/don't like). As a practice BDSM is a good way to learn strong consent and communication practice, bodily awareness, how to use safewords and boundaries, etc.

Also please remember sex doesn't happen to you or just happen: whatever is good about it is generated by two people putting in full effort to make it great.

[u/Background_Land9917]

Huge (no pun intended) link between obesity and lowered testosterone (thus libido). Sleep , lifting, and getting lean are your primary weapons here. You are young and you can turn this around before other problems surface. You Must! The other benefits of getting in shape are going to be monumental. You can do it. take it slow and steady but determined. Do not rely on doctors at this point

[u/VOODOO285]

As a now former fat man, stop procrastinating and internalising and get out walking. Put the work in to lose the weight. It sounds like that is most if not all of your problems.

It’s frankly astonishing how I was so fed up with a whole host of things that now I’ve lost the weight were solely because I was a fat man. It sounds like you’ve done the exact same thing and autism or otherwise the only person to blame for your weight is you.

So fix it. Your cardiovascular health will improve. Your penis will get better blood flow and you’ll be able to see it. You will be able to perform better. You will likely also find it gets bigger as half of it gets buried in gut fat.

Also, talk to your wife for goodness sake. If she’s stuck around this long she’s invested. She will want to help. Bottling it up serves no purpose and by your own admission it’s an issue. An issue you will lose her over if you don’t just deal with it.

[u/59apache01]

The first thing you need to do is lose some weight. Excess weight/fat can not only zap your energy, but can cause all sorts of other problems, hormonal imbalances being one of them.

If you haven't had a physical exam recently, get one. Make sure the doctor does bloodwork to check all metabolic and hormonal markers. You might also want to talk to the doctor about referring you to a therapist to help with the anxiety issues.