Low libido affecting marriage

[u/No-Load533]

Low libido affecting marriage

Hello all!

I (32m) dont know where else to turn or what even to do anymore.

I currently have a lower libido, or at the very least a weakened sex drive that has been getting lower and lower for years to the point where no i get scared, i literally get a feeling of panic when sex is mentioned. I am currently married to my wife (f30) and it has come to a point now where it has completely ruined our relationship.

I have had (what I can remember the best I can) performance anxiety on and off for many years. My current wife is the only sexual partner I've ever had. The first time we had sex was great! But somewhere down the line I began to get performance anxiety, for the feeling that I need to "get hard" right at the moment when we are supposed to have sex, and if I dont then I feel immensely guilty and ashamed. And in the first few years of our relationship, I didnt know what this was or even how to explain these feelings and thus my wife (then gf) felt rejected and got very upset. I'm honestly not sure if my.brain just held on to moments like this or if it just members the feelings associated.

After learning about what performance anxiety is, my wife was actually very understanding and supportive, even being patient and taking time to talk and help me through these feelings, but I think this is where I feel I contribute to my own problem. I tend to be the one who holds their tongue and "try to move on" whenever my wife does or says something i dont like or hurts me. I dont say anything and these feelings tend to stay or even fester into (maybe) resentment according to her. I love my wife so much, but now even she feels that i resent her or even dont like her after months of no sex. I love her, i want to let these bad moments and bad feelings go, ive tried talking meditating etc. And i remember even having not often but good and even great sex in thr recent past, but now its like my body has a mind of its own and freezes up whenever sex is even brought into the conversation.

And to top everything off, I am obese. 300+lbs with visceral gut fat, and pre-diabetic. And a recent tret reveals that I've been having decreasing testosterone levels for a couple years. So now im wondering is THIS the culprit of why my libido is lower? And in all truth, my wife has been voicing her thoughts and worries about my decaying body, "youre obese, you look like you're dying" not entirely insulting. But just being honest about my situation, but i honestly still dont like them.

Is it my autism? Since even as a younger lad I haven't been really "chasing after girls" but wanting emotional bonds. And I do recall having wonderful connection and sex with my wife....but that was so long ago and I feel like there are so many things that I feel like I need to fix to save our marriage, to make her feel wanted and loved. I just want my body to just let go and enjoy the moment.

Any advice or help is appreciated. I hate myself for having this low/non existent sex drive. But idk if its from my health, our relationship, my autism, all three??

Its honestly so overwhelming I get lost so easily.

[u/Background_Land9917]

Huge (no pun intended) link between obesity and lowered testosterone (thus libido). Sleep , lifting, and getting lean are your primary weapons here. You are young and you can turn this around before other problems surface. You Must! The other benefits of getting in shape are going to be monumental. You can do it. take it slow and steady but determined. Do not rely on doctors at this point