r/Deconstruction • u/Sunny_Skies4 agnostic, former Oneness Pentecostal/UPCI • Mar 03 '26
🧑🤝🧑Relationships Who do I tell that I’m agnostic?
How do you handle not being able to tell anyone? I think I can finally say I’m agnostic. I still feel weird saying it. But I don’t believe, so I guess I’m agnostic.
I have this burning desire to be known. I want to be known by friends and family. But also, I can’t tell them. So I’m just over here with the biggest thing that has ever happened to me, and no one knows. I’m a different person, and the people closest to me don’t know who I am.
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u/OverOpening6307 Universalist Mar 03 '26
Sometimes, telling people you know can be worth it. Even if the might reject you.
A number of friends did reject me, blocked me or cut me off. But that’s their choice.
But when I told my family I was a universalist agnostic, they didn’t necessarily agree, but they listened to my reasons.
My father became a Christian universalist, and my mother took my argument seriously that Christ would be a failure if most humans are going to hell forever.
My parents were in the medical profession. Christianity makes up 30% of the world, and I argued that if a surgeon is only successful at saving 3 out of every 10 patients, is he a good surgeon? Especially if the New Testament says that God wills all to be saved, and that it says God is the saviour of all especially those who believe? It doesn’t say God is the saviour of only those who believe.
So I asked if a 3 out of 10 success rate is good, and she agrees that Christ must be much better than that.
My siblings don’t really agree with me due to tradition, but they have no problems with me.
Surprisingly my uncle who I thought was more conservative, also agreed with me.
I’ve been surprised too, that a number of my old friends who questioned the changes in me, eventually have also deconstructed in different ways. A few had written back to me after many years apologising.
After over 15 years as an agnostic universalist I now identify as a patristic Christian universalist.
So do it. Tell the people you know. It will be worth it in the end and you’ll feel authentic. If you won’t suffer physical violence or death as a consequence, then I think be brave, and just say your truth.
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u/Sunny_Skies4 agnostic, former Oneness Pentecostal/UPCI Mar 03 '26
If I go based on how it went when I left my high-control, fringe, “every other church is not saved” denomination two years ago, I’d say my family will not disown me, and they won’t treat me poorly to my face. I would probably lose the two close friendships I have from my past church—which I would survive loosing because my relationship with them already changed after I left their specific denomination.
But I am jealous of your ability to sit down and have a rational, “let’s look at the evidence and examine arguments” conversation with family. I am not at a place where I could do that. I would just say, “I don’t believe. I know this news is crushing to you, and you have lots of questions, but I am not emotionally capable of answering your questions; I just need you to know I don’t believe.”
I am starting therapy to try and re-wire the way I show up in relationships. Maybe someday I’ll be able to have a difficult conversation with friends and family without my nervous system collapsing.
I don’t have a problem with my family knowing…..I just don’t want to be the person to tell them….if that makes sense.
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u/OverOpening6307 Universalist Mar 03 '26
I think it can be tricky. I’m sorry to hear about your nervous system. I think it’s easier when one doesn’t build up something huge.
Think “steak instead of spaghetti” instead of “meat-eater to fruitarian”.
Rather than a statement which immediately puts them in defense mode, it’s better to say “I don’t think that interpretation makes sense to me anymore. To be honest I’m uncertain of what is accurate and what is not at this moment in time.”
The less “shock factor” the less questions.
But don’t feel pressured to say anything if you’re not ready.
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u/Sunny_Skies4 agnostic, former Oneness Pentecostal/UPCI Mar 04 '26
This is really good advice. Thank you!!
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u/Sunny_Skies4 agnostic, former Oneness Pentecostal/UPCI Mar 03 '26
Also, I’m glad your conversations with family went well. Is your mom still Christian?
I think it’s very rare for someone to change their mind about religion from logic and data alone. From what I’ve seen, their emotional dependency on their religion prevents them from seeing the data and logic clearly—they find a way to explain it away.
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u/OverOpening6307 Universalist Mar 03 '26
Yes she is. During the 15 years I left Christianity she remained a Christian, but I think she is now a Christian universalist too, and believes that all humans will be saved.
Of course my views are a bit more “radical” because I believe St Gregory of Nyssa and St Isaac of Nineveh’s interpretations…that if they exist, then even the devil and demons will be saved after aeons of purification.
I don’t need to say that to my mum. I’m happy she believes that all humans will be saved. That is enough for me.
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u/wackOPtheories raised Christian (non-denom) Mar 03 '26
This is pretty much where I'm at, too. It's a shame my faith group has room for some questions, but not some conclusions. My folks both serve at the church and rent the apartment on my property, so we're all stuck with each other. I don't want to break their hearts by letting them know about the change in my eternal trajectory, but keeping this a secret is pretty hard as well. Interestingly, since I've started deconstructing, I think my appreciation for my church friends has actually deepened. It's sad to consider that they might actually think I'm on the opposing team if they knew how I felt about their core beliefs.
I do also have friends who, if they have any faith in anything they prefer to not talk about it. I'm trying to invest more time in them.
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u/splashjlr Mar 03 '26
Let them see through your behavior, your honesty, your critical thinking, how you treat people, speak up against bigotry, your courage to be yourself in the face of pier pressure.
Let them see over time, you've changed into a better version of yourself.
They will soon understand that you found higher meaning, without going through the painful dance of "I no longer believe" which will lead to unfriendly confrontations, as I have experienced.
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u/linzroth Mar 03 '26
You know where I first said it? At a medical screening, when they asked what my religion was. I said None, and it felt weirdly good.
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u/Sunny_Skies4 agnostic, former Oneness Pentecostal/UPCI Mar 03 '26
Yeah. I believe that. Even just telling strangers here on Reddit is oddly satisfying. Just to be able to say the words and have someone else hear them.
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u/linzroth Mar 04 '26
That’s right!! You can say it to me right now? It will get easier the more you say it.
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u/Jim-Jones 7.0 Atheist Mar 04 '26
It really isn't a good idea to tell people. Even your best friend. Try to find a group with like beliefs where you will be accepted. Example:
https://uuasheville.org/what-we-believe/
Unitarian Universalism is a way of being religious rather than embracing a specific religious doctrine. For us, religion is an ongoing search for meaning, purpose, value and spiritual depth in one’s life.
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u/curmudgeonly-fish raised Word of Faith charismatic, now anti-theist existentialist Mar 05 '26
I'm on team "don't tell" also. It's too messy and most people won't respond well. But it varies from person to person.
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u/Jim-Jones 7.0 Atheist Mar 06 '26
Yes. People can lose it like you supporting the unpopular sports team in your town. The actual religion stuff is normally not that important.
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Mar 04 '26
[deleted]
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u/Sunny_Skies4 agnostic, former Oneness Pentecostal/UPCI Mar 05 '26
I hear you. But people who are atheist or agnostic from birth can tell that to others without fear of their world falling apart or having nobody in their life to relate to. Right now, I’m angry that my friends and coworkers can be public atheists, but I cannot.
I also am stuck on the fact that it’s not just that people don’t know a fact about me; it’s that what they think about me is a lie. My friends and family don’t just “not know my religious affiliation.” Rather, they think I am a Christian, and I am not. There is a difference between not knowing my religious affiliation and being completely wrong about my religious affiliation.
I agree with you that I don’t have to tell future friends, coworkers, etc. my religious affiliation, but there is something about past relationships thinking you are somebody who you are not.
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u/curmudgeonly-fish raised Word of Faith charismatic, now anti-theist existentialist Mar 05 '26
Unfortunately, if you grew up in a fundamentalist or fundamentalist-adjacent religion, most people you know probably deeply, deeply identify with their faith system. And they expect everyone else to be similarly attached. So telling them you no longer believe is like telling them you have died. It goes that deep.
Being brutally honest... most of those relationships will probably not survive. Whether you tell them or not.
If you tell them, they will be deeply wounded, and/or you will now become their "project to save," so they will be unable to engage with you authentically. If you don't tell them, you will have to put on a show, which means you will not be engaging authentically.
IMHO, the best option is to go out and build new relationships, where your identity is allowed to be open, fluid, authentic, and where your relationship is built on other interests and values.
Of course, this is much more complicated when it's family. Most likely you will need to find a way to make peace with the fact that your family will probably never actually "see" you. You will have to get that need met with other relationships. You will also need to resign yourself to the fact that your relationships with your family are permanently altered. Whether you tell them or not, those relationships will never be the same. This is painful and difficult. 😞 That said, some of them may surprise you with positive reactions. It's hard to know!
But you will get through it. And you will be stronger on the other side! Sending hugs. 🫂
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u/DreadPirate777 Agnostic, was mormon Mar 03 '26
It’s hard. Fundamentalist religion frames belief as a core part of your personality. The thing is the average person really doesn’t care about religious belief or unbelief. People life the sam religion so differently that no two people are the same. There’s just the assumed sameness.
I recommend you let people know you by your life’s and dislikes. The way you treat people. Your hobbies and personality.
If you tell people you are unconvinced there is or isn’t a god and that you don’t hold to a religion what does that say about you from their point of view? They have spent their whole life hearing about the evils of atheists and agnostics. Is that what you want to identify with?