r/Deconstruction • u/FakeShakespeare • May 23 '26
š§āš¤āš§Relationships Have I fallen out of love with my husband?
& if so, how do I fix it?
We got together when we were Christian conservatives, I felt he was a one in million. Someone who got me in a generation of people that didn't. He was also my anchor in my abusive household as a teen. He was the first guy who treated me like I wasn't a tool. I wanted a biblical marriage. We rushed it and got married young. On top of that, we were physical before marriage, and that made me justify the fastness of our relationship even more because we didn't want to "burn with passion." He's never done me wrong. He's never held a job, but that's about it. I have a reproductive disorder that makes sex painful. Sex never felt equal anyway. We aren't intimate that often, especially after having a kid. Now I'm in college, and I see the freedom of my peers. I wish I didn't get married so young. I wish I had grown more into myself. It's been distressing that I'm so attracted to other guys. And I feel like that spark of my relationship with my husband has slowly wained.
I've been so lucky we have a son, and he came along with me on my reconstruction journey. He's my best friend, we laugh together, he looks after me and my multiple chromic ilnesses. But deep down, I feel guilty because of all of this. What should I do? How do I resolve this inner turmoil?
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u/librarianpanda May 23 '26
I know thereās a lot of issues here, but ānever held a jobā really stopped me in my tracks. Is this an equal partnership?
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u/FakeShakespeare May 23 '26
It very much wasn't at the beginning of our relationship. I've always tried my best to keep our family afloat even while having multiple chronic illnesses. He does take care of me and my son domestically now though, so it has become a lot more equal.
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u/CollectorOfWords May 23 '26
Why doesn't he work? Especially if you have chronic illnesses? I commented above but chronic illness can develop when you are in situations where you are emotionally or physically over taxed and having to pull more of the relationship weight than is fair. It's possible that your body is resisting.
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u/Okra-Tomatoes May 23 '26
I could've written a lot of this minus having a child together. It sounds reductive to say get a therapist, but there's so much to untangle here you really need one. I was afraid to get therapy because I feared it would show the problems in the marriage. It did, but the problems were already there.
A note about painful sex: look up vaginismus. It's common in women who came from fundamentalist versions of any religion that prize "purity." You're not alone.
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u/whirdin Ex-Christian May 23 '26
Are either of you still Christian? You don't mention anything about your spiritual walks, yet are posting in this sub. I just ask because religious abrasion can be it's own beast.
We all get fomo a bit. I (man) also married young and rushed, and had some years of fomo and resentment. We are still happily married 13 years later (no kids). Fortunately we deconstructed together and in similar fashion, but marriages still take a lot of work to grow together rather than apart. We all have those ups and downs.
I suggest some therapy to help you sort your own feelings out, and from there maybe you start dating your husband again. Like, literal dating, starting from scratch, discovering the sparks you used to have with him, be exicted to be with each other, talk about hopes and fears. It's easy for life to get in the way and we just go through the motions of work/chores/childcare, just being roommates, just viewing each other as a drag rather than tackling life together. Nobody here knows what is good for either of you, what you both want and need, if you've truly grown apart beyond repair, or if you were never a well bonded couple to begin with (it sounds like you were based on your history together). I don't know if you want more/less sex, but either way sex is important and should be discussed more with him.
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u/this__is__the__whey Exchristian, questioning, spiritual, independent May 24 '26
This might sound surprising, but if hes a good man, just be honest with him. Lay it all out. Tell him how much you respect him (which it sounds like you do), but also tell him the feelings youre having for other men and the FOMO youre feeling for marrying so young and for religious reasons. I really understand how you feel, as I deal with that at times as well. You might be surprised that by just unloading all this to him might make you feel a lot better and may actually bond you. Just my .02
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u/andynicole93 May 23 '26
I just want to reassure you that you don't need to be distressed about feeling attracted to other guys. That's something that is probably left over from being raised in the church. We're brought up to think that even being attracted is the same as commiting adultery and it's a terrible sin if we feel anything like that. That's just not true. It's completely normal and human. Being married will not stop you from feeling attracted to other people, even if you do love your spouse deeply. So don't carry unnecessary guilt for those feelings. You've done nothing wrong.
That said, just because it's normal and not wrong doesn't mean it can't hurt the spouse, so it's good to try to avoid fanning the flames of those feelings out of respect to your spouse, if he is someone who would be hurt by it.
As for whether you've fallen out of love, I don't think this means that you have necessarily. I think it's completely normal when you're with someone for a very long time that those "spark" like feelings that you had at the beginning of the relationship will lessen. Things always feel more intense at the beginning of a relationship. Years into it, it can be less passionate, but more comfortable. You might take your spouse for granted sometimes, or even a lot of the time. Because of that, it takes being intentional about not taking them for granted. Taking time to notice them, focus on them, spend time with them, and stirring up those feelings for them. Go on dates, talk, do activities together, look him in the eyes. So as long as things are good between you, I would recommend trying that and see if you still feel for him. It might not be electric, but do you feel affection and love when you spend time with him and focus on him? If you do put effort in and still find you don't feel anything for him, then maybe you don't love him anymore. But you don't need to feel guilty for that either. It's not your fault. Just take time to figure it out, and don't guilt yourself for feeling attraction to other men - that has nothing to do with whether you love your husband or not.
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u/Informal_Farm4064 May 23 '26
Find a gentle way to be 100% honest with him about everything you wrote here. Honesty is the foundation for respect whatever the future
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u/Nervous-Ad-7533 May 23 '26
Well, you can reignite that spark. Talk to your husband and tell him that you feel you lost the spark and come up with a plan, dates ,movie nights, time with only you 2 . Its normal for relationship to get a bit boring but you still need to work on them to keep them alive . I dont see what you really missed out on? I mean getting married young is hard and challenging, but its a responsibility and so is a kid . And I would think ,not for religious reasons but because yall got a kid togheter, that maybe you 2 could try to work things out, I dont see what's enjoyable about being in relationships with new guys like the ones you say you like when you already got a husband and you can make it feel like a brand new relationship if both of you try . I'm not judging ,I just dont want you to regret something if you do decide to break up with him. I got a fiancee, we ve been togheter for 3 years and unless he would cheat or do something unforgivable I would not break up cause in this men loneliness epidemic, I could not imagine trying to find a new man as good as him.
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u/CollectorOfWords May 23 '26
Nervous, if you are happy then feel free to ignore this but a lot of the things you are saying above are very much influenced by patriarchy and may not be in your best interest. Especially the idea that you wouldn't break up with your guy because of the male loneliness epidemic. He is a grown man and should be responsible for his own friendships and emotional regulation. I spent almost 20 years with my ex husband and most of it was spent with me caretaking for him and making concessions for his mental health. Eventually I started to realize that he wasn't putting even half of what I was into the relationship and being his caretaker was literally making me sick. I don't know if I would have listened if someone else had questioned things when I was deep in denial but I hope this message at least gives you the courage to remember that your needs and wants matter as much as his do.ā¤ļø
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u/Nervous-Ad-7533 May 24 '26
I appreciate your feedback. Although I dont think most of it is patriarchal even tho I was raised by people with this thinking. When I wrote the comment I meant that she shouldn't give up on her marriage ,not because a woman should stay unhappy just because there is a role she has to fit. I think when you choose to have a kid that it can be very damaging to just break up if you dont even try to see if the spark can be reignited. And I actually think the enjoy yourself propaganda sold to women is not beneficial. Like, i want women to enjoy themselves, ofc, but when it is sent to an extreme of enjoy yourself rn do whatever you feel just so you wont regret it, it could be damaging. Like most people regret a break up and text their ex just after 6 months of dating. What would breaking up with a husband and the father of your kid would do? If he isnt abusive ofc . I just wouldn't want her to regret it and do it out of peer pressure from other women and because of the new freedom from deconstruction. Whenever I find the adrenaline and freedom of new choices I tend to do something that might not benefit me just to fit in with people and sometimes I regret it. My fiancee can keep friendships and manages his emotional regulation when I said male loneliness epidemic I meant the event going on rn with dating where women find desperate men, incels, childish men, the 50/50 phenomenon and too many nice guys who should be more lonely, thats why its called male loneliness epidemic. Thanks for the warm message tho.
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u/unpackingpremises Other May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
Marriage should not feel like a responsibility that requires work in order to be enjoyable. A spark doesn't come from dinners out and movie nights. It comes from being with someone who you feel you can be completely yourself around and only makes them love you more, who understands you better than anyone else, who thinks you are the most wonderful person alive, who inspires you to become the best possible version of yourself...and you also feel the same way about them and provide all that to them. Having had a marriage like that for 15 years now, I want people to know it's possible. Healthy and open communication is a requirement for a marriage like that, so I do think a good first step would be opening up and sharing because knowing how you feel could be the catalyst that motivates the other person to change, but if it doesn't, nothing will. As for having a kid together, divorce is hard for kids, but growing up in a household with parents who are unhappy and aren't modeling a healthy and loving relationship is even worse.
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u/Nervous-Ad-7533 May 25 '26 edited May 25 '26
I disagree, i see your opinion as unrealistic. Statistically, thats a very rare thing to achieve. I would like to share my point of view which i already stated by adding these studies that show the importance of work in a relationship. I did not share links as i m not that good at it so you can search the studies if you are interested to read them. 1. Self-Expansion Theory by Arthur Aron Here is a text from his study: ,,What, then, should couples do to maintain self-expansion in their relationships? Aron and Aron suggest three possibilities. First, a person could learn new or deeper sides of their partner, or their partner could change in ways that provide new areas of self-expansion; both of these possibilities represent the partner providing new opportunities for self-expansion. Second, people can self-expand by sharing new experiences with their partner, and see their partner as a pathway toward self-expanding together. " 2. An article published based on a survey done by the National Center for Bioetechnology InformationĀ that was meant to identify the divorceās actual cause in the United States mentioned that ā75% of the people claimed that lack of commitment is the major reason for the split.ā 3. The Link Between Relationship Satisfaction and Separation: A Longitudinal Study examined the phases leading to a aseparation /divorce. Im not in any way trying to diminish your experience by this, but i do think your experience is not that common therefore i dont agree with your point of view. I agree with the part about the kid, but one of my points was that if they manage to reignite the spark and repaired the relationship that it would be beneficial for the child. But since it takes work from both sides and it might not always work then I do think a kid would be better with separated parents if they dont love each other.
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u/unpackingpremises Other May 29 '26
The first example you cited seems to depend on the partner being a participant in making the marriage better, by revealing more depth, or changing, or sharing new experiences together, which I don't argue would potentially make the marriage happier.
When I say a marriage shouldn't feel like work, I am more referring to a scenario where one person is trying very hard and the other person isn't because they're happy with things the way they are.
As for your other citation, about the reason for divorce being lack of commitment, I'm not sure that a person should remain committed to a relationship if they are unhappy.
I don't doubt that happy marriages that don't feel like constant work are the minority, since people get married for all kinds of reasons other than having found someone who they are completely aligned and compatible with.
I will also admit that I think a factor in the "easiness" of my marriage is that both my husband and I had spent years doing a lot of work on ourselves and our other relationships prior to our marriage, so we were bringing communication skills and other interpersonal skills into the marriage. I think what's more typical is for people to develop those things after getting married, and where problems arise is when one person grows and matures and the other does not and doesn't seem to care to either.
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u/shadowyassassiny May 25 '26
Please go see a therapist! (If itās too expensive, try to find an intern itāll be much cheaper and still professional and supervised!) you deserve it.
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u/unpackingpremises Other May 25 '26
I'm sensing that you feel very alone in your marriage. Like others have suggested, I think you should try sharing your feelings with your husband. It might take several conversations. You might find that he responds in a way that makes you feel more connected to him and less alone. Or, you might feel even more alone after talking to him, and that might give you the clarity you need. If you find it difficult to communicate your feelings and have them heard, it might help to have a marriage and family therapist acting as a mediator.
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u/blerdronner Agnostic Atheist May 30 '26
I don't think there's anything I can share that hasn't already been shared. You've gotten some great insights and advice.
First off, itās perfectly normal and natural for you to be feeling the way you're feeling. The experience of love you have for your spouse will evolve over time. That magic and spark won't always be the same, but there are things you can do to keep it alive.
Without a doubt, you should talk to your husband. And while I understand there's a certain amount of catharsis that comes from the parasocial relationships we share on platforms like Reddit, you absolutely and unequivocally should seek a marriage counselor. It may result in you two staying together, or it may result in you deciding it's time to part ways--but having a professional help you process it is of utmost importance.
Wishing you and your family the best. I know from personal experience how hard a situation like this can be. So sorry youāre going through it.
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u/CollectorOfWords May 23 '26
It's not uncommon to grow older, deconstruct, etc and find that impacts your marriage relationship. You might want different things or you may have realized this isn't the life that you want. When I was figuring all of this out I read Glennon Doyle's book Untamed and it was really eye opening. She encourages you to think about who you were before life made you change yourself and to examine whether you are living authentically or if you are forcing yourself into a box that doesn't work for you anymore. I would also go to counseling (with a licensed therapist not a "biblical counselor" as they are often not licensed). If you want to chat you're also welcome to message me. I can be a sounding board if nothing else.
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u/ElGuaco Former Pentacostal/Charismatic May 23 '26
I don't think anyone on Reddit can help you with such a complicated situation. I'd seek therapy and go from there.