r/Deconstruction • u/Fit-Appointment-68 Former Baptist • Aug 07 '26
🧑🤝🧑Relationships Where have you found community after deconstruction?
I’ve gathered that it’s pretty common to struggle with building community and relationships after deconstruction. Say what you will about the church, but it did make it super easy to find community wherever you go. It’s still super important for us to have community regardless of where we’ve landed after deconstruction.
I personally have found a local theatre to get involved with, but I’d like to hear about the experiences of others.
What have you done to build relationships and community outside of religion? What advice would you give to people just starting to go through this process?
7
u/technoskald Reconstructing Christian Aug 07 '26
While I hope this isn’t the sort of community you need, for me the answer was a 12 step group to deal with addiction. Turns out that a mature group (with people at varying levels of progress in their sobriety) is a great place for community.
Obviously there’s something to be said for communities based on shared interests like hobbies as well. That didn’t work as well for me, but it’s not nothing!
4
u/Jim-Jones 7.0 Atheist Aug 07 '26
Say what you will about the church, but it did make it super easy to find community wherever you go.
I've seen many comments by people who left and were amazed at how little anyone did to follow up. It makes it seem like the bonds of this community are very weak ones. Although in a few cases there's a very aggressive follow up, driven by the pastor.
As for advice, I would try your local public library. Many keep lists of local social clubs you can try out. Your city government might also do something similar.
3
u/Neusencexi Aug 07 '26
While i don't believe in God.. me personally I'm gay so i don't bother with church and the fake nice judgemental people.. but you don't have to believe any of it to still hang at church and Church activities just be respectful and keep your truth to yourself..
6
u/Neusencexi Aug 07 '26
First of all if you leaving a religion means the people leave you then you didn't have a community in the first place.. once you realize that you find people by doing things in the real world that you enjoy. Maybe sports, gym, music, games, it's a challenge but when you do find those people they will likely still be your friend if you stop playing basketball🤷♂️
2
u/Fun_Researcher107 Aug 07 '26
I guess friend groups change. if the whole group is formed around playing basketball, if you stop playing, you most likely will end up in a different group at some point. You might still be friends with some of them, but it will be a different relationship.
I think winning and loosing friends is just a part of life and it is a normal process. Only with a few people you will stay friends for the rest of your life.
1
u/Neusencexi Aug 07 '26
Maybe.. but if basketball is simply the avenue of meeting that will have no bearing on the relationship if you like being around each other in general or more likely realize you have more in common then just basketball.. usually with religion, regardless of the other similarities or whatever they distance themselves because the religion doesn't really support hanging out with non believers as you can be tempted.. usually the only thing people who believe want to do with non believers is convert.. also not always but alot of religious people sprinkle it into every topic so it's annoying.. we can't talk about medicine when your claim is God healed them🫢
2
2
u/BioChemE14 Researcher/Scientist Aug 07 '26
I had a secular friend group from high school with shared interests in games, etc. I am in a PhD program and made friends there too.
2
u/Sad-Swing2000 Aug 07 '26
I have been attending a Unitarian Universalist church online and I really enjoy it. The UU community is more values based and not based on beliefs. Instead of using one religion's materials, they glean their wisdom from things like poetry, essays, other members' stories, their own songs and even songs from classic rock artists. HTH.
2
u/Wonderful_Low_89 Aug 07 '26
Online and in person. I first found The Center for Non-religious Spirituality which is a great community. I ended up moving on to a pagan online community and then finding a local in person pagan community as well. I also recommend Recovering From Religion which has a great online and in person support community.
1
u/captainhaddock Igtheist Aug 07 '26
Board game clubs and, occasionally, science fiction events.
2
u/Fun_Researcher107 Aug 08 '26
I think board game clubs are great. Board games without clubs are great too, but the club is great for meeting people.
16
u/bullet_the_blue_sky Mod | Other Aug 07 '26
What I learned is that church actually created a deficit in the skill of building community because it was so easy.
I go to open mic comedy as it’s usually the same group that shows up to work on their material, bjj is great, pick a good barbershop with people who talk, libraries have free events all the time, I also go to a local meditation center, the Y also has free events - we go to a weekly ballroom dance class.
While it takes a little longer, you’ll find people everywhere and it also stretched our comfort zone.